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Original poster

To disappoint Dh and cancel concert

86 replies

coco2891 · 15/04/2019 00:15

Hey 👋 really torn over what to do here . I bought tickets on impulse and I'm regretting it now and feeling anxious. Husband is really excited and thinks it will be a great night for us to re-live our youth. Me on the other had is already fretting about leaving the children overnight. I have 2 children , 4&5 -youngest recently diagnosed with Autism and is non verbal. My mum has stayed at ours twice in 4 years while we've had a night away for birthdays -no more than 20mins drive away. The gig is at the Eden project which is 2.5 hrs from home and we'd be staying overnight. Last time she babysat lo woke up and had a meltdown , wouldn't be comforted / consoled and she found it really upsetting -I was home in 2mins as we were at a neighbours house. We co-sleep too so he's used to having me close and without being able to talk or understand I can't reason with him or bribe him. If mum couldn't get him to settle I know she'd want me back as she can't bare it seeing them upset. Being that far away I wouldn't be able to get back tho. So I'm stressing now over what to do , I know Dh will be soooo disappointed , on the one hand I'd love to go -it's the chemical brothers and I've been a big fan of theirs since early teens but on the other I'm going to feel such anxiety while we're gone and will feel incredible guilt if he gets inconsolable in my absence. I want us to be able to go off and do things as a couple as our marriage needs it but feeling like this is too far and I should suggest a night away closer to home. What do you think? Xx

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/04/2019 00:19

When is it? Any time for a dry run?

Could DM and the kids come to a hotel? Little weekend away?

TreacherousPissFlap · 15/04/2019 00:21

God, I jumped on to say you would be totally unreasonable and just to get your shit together and go.
After reading your whole post though, I'm certain that I wouldn't go in your situation. If I knew DH was likely to be that disappointed and I had already paid for the tickets then I may suggest he went with a friend.
When is the concert? Have you the time to have a few practice runs with your DM beforehand, before you make the final decision?

MarthasGinYard · 15/04/2019 00:25

Do a dry run

Original poster
coco2891 · 15/04/2019 00:25

It's not til the end of June so yes time to practice but he's unpredictable so one night may sleep through and another wake up and stay up for a good hour or so. Hotel not really an option

OP posts:
AlunWynsKnee · 15/04/2019 00:28

Hiring a cottage nearby so it's just an evening out would be good. Could you turn it into a long weekend to familiarise your youngest a bit?

Original poster
coco2891 · 15/04/2019 00:29

I'd be gutted if he went without me but it's an idea , kids have got to come first and in this instance I think I got excited and jumped the gun forgetting that it's harder for us to do things like this, everything's harder at the moment 🙁

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/04/2019 00:30

Start the dummy runs you've got ages.

Original poster
coco2891 · 15/04/2019 00:31

If I have to come back and look after the children it wouldn't be the night off I'd originally hoped for -I know that's a compromise which I should consider but I'd be careful not to drink too much and just wouldn't be able to let my hair down

OP posts:
Original poster
coco2891 · 15/04/2019 00:32

Yes I suppose get him more used to her staying over is a good about -so not such a surprise for him at 2am 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
coco2891 · 15/04/2019 00:33

a good shout @MarthasGinYard*

OP posts:
Fatasfook · 15/04/2019 00:34

Go with a friend and leave dh at home with the kids

Imadehimlikethat · 15/04/2019 00:42

It's hard OP, I think you néed to think about what your anxiety will be like so far from home.
If Mom is up for a practise run, then def trial it.

Otherwise I'm sure he can find a friend to go with him, and maybe you can look at booking a. Night away for just you whilst he has the kids another time?

greenlynx · 15/04/2019 00:43

I would consider coming back after the concert. It might be difficult for your DM to cope with 2 small children so I don’t think you would be able to let you hair down anyway in case you’d be needed. Doing this would be better than nothing.
Or your DH could ask a friend and go without you. It’s what we usually do with my DH as our DC has additional needs as well.

MarthasGinYard · 15/04/2019 00:43

Good luck

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/04/2019 00:56

Sorry not RTWT so somebody may already have suggested this but what about renting a place nearby and having a weekend away, including your mum, so if he does struggle you will be nearby?

Stompythedinosaur · 15/04/2019 01:00

It's shit but I'd probably stay with the dc and see if your dh can go with a mate in this situation. Or if the dc will settle for your dh you flip a coin to see who goes and who has the dc.

Floralnomad · 15/04/2019 01:04

I’d go but just come home after rather than making it a night away , that way even if your mum is having issues at least she knows you will be back .

DistanceCall · 15/04/2019 01:13

Find a childminder to take care of your children.

But I really think you should go with your husband. Going on dates and doing things with your partner is incredibly important for the health of a relationship, and people tend to forget it when they have children (including children with special needs).

Keep in mind that you and your partner need to take care of yourselves and your relationship in order to take proper care of your children.

coolwalking · 15/04/2019 05:39

I agree with @DistanceCall. Too many nights we spent fretting about leaving child and didn't do anything. I feel like I have wasted so much of my marriage because I couldn't ask for and accept help.

Do a dry run and be confident for your children. They will pick up on your anxiety. Good luck!

Veterinari · 15/04/2019 06:20

As kindly as possible you need to start ‘training’ your kids to cope with your DM. I understand there are SEN involved but kids will adapt to other careers given time and exposure. You need to put some time in getting them used to being with your DM or your marriage is likely to suffer. You have time to practise!

DianaT1969 · 15/04/2019 06:50

Is the worse that could happen is they'll all have a sleepless night? If your mum can sleep the next day I'd prepare her that this might happen and practise her skills at distracting/calming him. Is there anything that he self-soothes with? iPad with favourite programme?
I think it's important that you go as a couple.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 15/04/2019 06:55

Any chance the 5 of you could make a trip of it? She stays with them somewhere nearby while you go to the gig?

Sirzy · 15/04/2019 06:59

Go. It’s so easy for parents of children with additional needs to lose all identity and just become a carer.

Sometimes you need to take the time to do something for yourself.

Do you have any siblings or anyone who could help your mum for the night?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 15/04/2019 07:07

Having children is a huge drain on a relationship - even harder where there are additional needs.
you need to make space for each other and keep your identity.

I’d prioritise your husband and yourself here. it’s only one night.

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/04/2019 07:13

Find a childminder to take care of your children.
A child that struggles with anyone but parents settling them is not going to settle more for a childminder than for Grandma!

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