To disappoint Dh and cancel concert

[coco2891]

Hey 👋 really torn over what to do here . I bought tickets on impulse and I'm regretting it now and feeling anxious. Husband is really excited and thinks it will be a great night for us to re-live our youth. Me on the other had is already fretting about leaving the children overnight. I have 2 children , 4&5 -youngest recently diagnosed with Autism and is non verbal. My mum has stayed at ours twice in 4 years while we've had a night away for birthdays -no more than 20mins drive away. The gig is at the Eden project which is 2.5 hrs from home and we'd be staying overnight. Last time she babysat lo woke up and had a meltdown , wouldn't be comforted / consoled and she found it really upsetting -I was home in 2mins as we were at a neighbours house. We co-sleep too so he's used to having me close and without being able to talk or understand I can't reason with him or bribe him. If mum couldn't get him to settle I know she'd want me back as she can't bare it seeing them upset. Being that far away I wouldn't be able to get back tho. So I'm stressing now over what to do , I know Dh will be soooo disappointed , on the one hand I'd love to go -it's the chemical brothers and I've been a big fan of theirs since early teens but on the other I'm going to feel such anxiety while we're gone and will feel incredible guilt if he gets inconsolable in my absence. I want us to be able to go off and do things as a couple as our marriage needs it but feeling like this is too far and I should suggest a night away closer to home. What do you think? Xx

Thanks for all the replies
Still feeling split down the middle on this.
Childminder not an option, he will only stay with my mum. Can't afford to rent a cottage etc and it's too big an ask on my mum-she's having them 3 days a week during holidays while I work and I know she finds them hard work , because they are ! I'm going to broach the subject with DH and see what he says xx

I don't think I would do it, even after a dry run, because of the distance.
You may also ruin all future chances of your mother babysitting again if it is a total disaster, and it is a long way for you to come back in the middle of the night (meaning you wouldn't be able to drink or relax) if she can't cope.

I would sell the concert tickets, and with the money book a lovely hotel overnight not far from home (short taxi ride) and have cocktails and a fun evening close by instead.

At some point things may well be much much easier, and you can go then. You are not going to enjoy it, and relive your youth if you are worried sick all night.

I came on to say go, but having read your full post I don't think I would go actually.

When do you next plan to leave the DC for a couple of days? 10? 20s?

Or becoming a hermit?

In the nicest possible way OP - you are going to need to deal with this situation, you can't go on like this for ever, and this seems like a very good opportunity to do that. Use it as the catalyst that gets you to deal with your DS's difficulties being away from you - it will be beneficial for him as well as for you and the rest of your family.

What happens if there's an emergency resulting in an unavoidable, unplanned absence from him?

As others have pointed out, you have plenty of time to sort this out. There are lots of good suggestions on here already.

4/5 is a good age to start encouraging greater independence.

Well done for thinking ahead. Now make a plan and stick to it.

As a PP says be confident for your children

This is very good advice.

When do you next plan to leave the DC for a couple of days? 10? 20s?
It isn't compulsory to leave them for a couple of days! OP feeling that she has to go else she's an awful wife and a terrible mother won't help her relax.
There isn't just two kids in distress to consider but also a Mom she isn't sure will cope well and who is making a huge childcare commitment over the holidays. That isn't something I'd want to jepordise for anything.

I would get DH to go with a mate. No need to cancel.
Miney permitting, find something where I can have a night off and DH has the kids overnight.
Get Mum to have them for a day - so say 10 - 4 or later if she's able to do dinner / put to bed and go out with DH then. Get a long lunch, a walk in the park, a movie - whatever works

Tbh, and I say this as a mum to two children with autism, if he has a bad night and your mum gets no sleep and he screams murder there is no lasting damage done. Both he and your mum will catch up on sleep the next day. I'd try getting him to accept a comforter now so your mum has something to offer him when you aren't there and maybe have a couple of sessions where your mum is there overnight but I'd go and enjoy because you and dh need a break as well.

@cdtaylornats I have no plans to leave them for a couple of days at present -you may not have read this bit but my youngest has non verbal autism which in turn gives me massive anxiety, you've upset me tho with your snide comment so thanks for that -my own fault tho I need thicker skin.
Things like this just bring it home that I have a child with additional needs , I can't tell you how hard it is with a 4 year old that can't talk, and a 5 year old who gets frustrated and is forever having to get on with it
I've spoken to DH before work and he says it's fine and that he understands

In all honestly while I think it would do you loads of good to go, I don't think you'll be happy going under these circumstances. There will be other opportunities to do things nearer to home. Don't feel bad, it was a lovely idea.

Just seen your update. Good call. Can you sell the tickets and do a really nice treat near home that evening instead? One of my DC had an issue that meant we could never go far and we had to factor that in as you have. I think you are a good and very responsible mum

I think a tantrum is probably quite likely because it's new and unknown -just because a child is distressed, though, doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing. Many aspects of growing up are difficult or painful to go through, but they are nonetheless necessary. It's important your kids learn that it's not the end of the world if you're not there for a night.

Thanks for the replies , yes I agree he needs to learn to be left more but with his level of understanding it is harder for him than a neurotypical child. We can go for dinner and stay somewhere closer overnight -husband likes this idea and agrees it's something we should do more often

We can go for dinner and stay somewhere closer overnight -husband likes this idea and agrees it's something we should do more often Then do that. Consider it as much dummy runs for you as much as the kids.

Then go and see th bloody Chemical Brothers. The Eden Centre is a great venue. You'd be mad and very disappointed to miss it.

Get training, enjoy!

Coco I'm glad you have a resolution. My sister is in the same boat as you and sadly lives the other side of the country to me . I would love to be able to help her more but it's difficult. As we don't see the kids enough no way would they stay with us . However she gets a night away without the husband and vice Versa. Have a great night when it comes around

She wouldn't "be mad". The OP has to do what feels right under her circumstances.

That sounds a good compromise.

I would try to get him so at least he will sleep with someone else, or even better alone simply because if heaven forbid you ended up having to go into hospital or something that would just add further to the stress.

DS has autism, there is no way he could cope. He couldn’t be left with anyone else. Practise runs wouldn’t help they would just increase his anxiety. You know you can’t go. Unfortunately this is a fact of life of having a child with autism.

If the DC are used to Dm, couldn't you have a dry run with you staying in the house but not contributing in any way during the night.

Or could DM bring a friend with her so she doesn't feel so isolated if things don't go as planned.

I think you would feel better if you know that there are 2 responsible adults in the house.

She wouldn't "be mad". The OP has to do what feels right under her circumstances. FFS!

OP, I heartily apologise for attempting to support you in trying to gain a little independence for you and your DCs.

I can see now that y=ou should not be tempted, nay, nor persuaded, to even try to do so as this would make you/others/ someone somewhere look bad!

You know you can’t go. Unfortunately this is a fact of life of having a child with autism. Bollocks! That might be YOUR experience, but OP migth have a different one. Taking yoiur sage advice she will never know what might or moght not be possible! And yes, I do know from personal experince.

Be miserable and don't even try seems to be the watchword of the day!

A child that struggles with anyone but parents settling them is not going to settle more for a childminder than for Grandma!

The OP's concern seems to be more than the grandmother gets upset if the child is unsettled. A professional childminder will be able to deal better with an unsettled child.

I see that your child will only accept your mother. But your concern seems to be for your mother - so perhaps you could ask a childminder to come in addition to your mother, so that she will feel supported.

In my opinion, you really need to start putting things in place so you can have a sustainable way of having a normal life, including going out with your husband. Having an autistic child should not be a lifelong sentence.

I'm not sure DH going with a friend is the answer. His reaction suggests that what he's looking forward to is the chance to reconnect with his wife as much as it's about the concert. So I think it has to be both of them or neither.

Can 1 kid go to a friends and the other little guy stay with your mum?

Your life sounds tough OP , you are doing awesome and I bet you are an awesome parent :)

Does DH have a best friend he would like to go with? And you book something nice for yourself another time with a friend. And then a few local date nights :)

@DistanceCall -if you read my posts my main concern is for my child
Childminder isn't an option I'd be happy with

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you are not concerned about your child - I meant that you are also concerned about your mum, as you said:

"Last time she babysat lo woke up and had a meltdown , wouldn't be comforted / consoled and she found it really upsetting"

I understand that you find the thought of your child being distressed upsetting. But he is going to have to get upset for a while in order to get used to new things - otherwise you will be locked forever in a static situation, which I think will benefit no one: not your child, not you, not your relationship with your partner.

I understand that leaving your child with a childminder at this point is not an option you would like to consider. That is why I said that perhaps asking a childminder to come in to support your mother might be.