To disappoint Dh and cancel concert

[coco2891]

Hey 👋 really torn over what to do here . I bought tickets on impulse and I'm regretting it now and feeling anxious. Husband is really excited and thinks it will be a great night for us to re-live our youth. Me on the other had is already fretting about leaving the children overnight. I have 2 children , 4&5 -youngest recently diagnosed with Autism and is non verbal. My mum has stayed at ours twice in 4 years while we've had a night away for birthdays -no more than 20mins drive away. The gig is at the Eden project which is 2.5 hrs from home and we'd be staying overnight. Last time she babysat lo woke up and had a meltdown , wouldn't be comforted / consoled and she found it really upsetting -I was home in 2mins as we were at a neighbours house. We co-sleep too so he's used to having me close and without being able to talk or understand I can't reason with him or bribe him. If mum couldn't get him to settle I know she'd want me back as she can't bare it seeing them upset. Being that far away I wouldn't be able to get back tho. So I'm stressing now over what to do , I know Dh will be soooo disappointed , on the one hand I'd love to go -it's the chemical brothers and I've been a big fan of theirs since early teens but on the other I'm going to feel such anxiety while we're gone and will feel incredible guilt if he gets inconsolable in my absence. I want us to be able to go off and do things as a couple as our marriage needs it but feeling like this is too far and I should suggest a night away closer to home. What do you think? Xx

As I've already said I agree with pp's that we need to start getting him more used to being left , which will only be with my mother for now. He has major separation anxiety and doesn't seem to understand that I will be back , even though every time I've left him -I've come back so this is much more complex than training him to be left.

I appreciate the replies and have made my mind up on this particular event , as I said husband and I will be making more effort to have the odd date night etc

@DistanceCall ok thanks for your reply.

For me personally until his communication and understanding improves I don't want to cause him unnecessary stress. Me and Dh are ok , we have a good relationship and have been together 13 yrs.
He is making progress just much much slower than neuro typical children his age.

Op, if you wish to start doing this more often, and you've three months, I don't understand why you've already decided on this event.

Even if you went away once a fortnight in the lead up to the event, you would have more of an understanding of what stage your child will be at by the time of the concert.

Why not hold off on the decision and start doing it now?

One of the things to consider is the impact of your own anxieties on your child. If you're this overwhelmed there's no way he hasn't picked up on it and taken his cue from you.

@Becles so it's my fault ? I'm sorry but you don't know me and I do my absolute best not to pass any anxiety on to him -I could cry everyday at the challenges we face -but I don't.
We are away for 2 weeks next week and my mother away for 2 weeks after that. She's does have other grandchildren -and a life so not available at the drop of a hat

One of the things to consider is the impact of your own anxieties on your child. If you're this overwhelmed there's no way he hasn't picked up on it and taken his cue from you.

This isn't life debilitating anxiety -I work , I have another child and I keep it together.

It's down to his Autism and lack of understanding -he doesn't talk !

You're saying this is my fault. It's not

*You're saying his separation anxiety is my fault.

2.5 hours is not that far away. As long as you don’t drink, you do not need to stay over.

I understand the difficulties that autism strict routines place in the family but perhaps this is the time to start doing the transition from co sleeping to his bed. It will not be easy, but it has to be done some time so... it may be that you need to let DH go with a friend this time but hopefully be ready to join him for another in a few months.

A very high proportion of SN parents separate. I think it's important to do things as a couple.
DD has autism, and although they are all different, we never got our lives back in the same way our friends who had kids did.
It would be very useful to have your mum as a trusted person who your child can be left with.
If possible, I would put effort into that straight away, it lessens the burden on you and your marriage.

I agree with @Veterinari

I’ve worked with children with SEN, Additional Needs, Disabilities etc for over 15 years now. It’s very important you and your husband have some time for yourselves in order to be the best parents you can in this situation. It’s a really good idea to get your child used to being cared for and comforted overnight by someone who isn’t you and this is a great opportunity. A lot of the children I’ve worked with have to go into respite care at times due to how severe their needs are and the wider impact it’s having on the family whilst others have regular carers who come in to give parents an evening or night off. It’s not uncommon and it’s generally a very positive experience for the children as it builds their own confidence and they get to have new experiences outside of the family that so many children with additional needs are sadly often excluded from. It would be a really positive move for you to build up your child’s experiences of being apart from you by staying overnight with your mum.

It’s not at all rare for a child’s primary care giver to have to go into hospital for an extended period of time and the children with additional needs who have not built up positive secure attachments with other adults do really have a difficult time coping. See this experience as a form of insurance for the future.

You’ve got time for some practice runs. Do you have any support outside of the home with managing your child’s needs yet? Could someone help you make a picture book to show your child what will be happening on over night stays, so they can run it through in their own minds and know what is happening and what they can do. Often putting a reward at the end helps... “Mummy and Dad will come home and give you a big cuddle. Then we will go and buy you some Cake/Special Toy/ Let you watch x tv programme”.

These kind of things you would build up to surely, and have a practice run.

And to the suggestion that DH should stay home, errr, why?

I think you’re doing the right thing for this particular event and are also right that he gradually needs to get used to being left with someone else. But I think more of the nights when you know you can come back and look after him.

Let your hair down a bit, on wee nights out in the first place, but know you have the option come back and see to your dc if necessary.

Who honestly wants to get so pissed they really couldn’t be trusted to comfort their own child anyway?

Go. It is really important that you continue to do nice exciting things and keep your relationship with your dh strong and your own identity.
Youve got a while. You need to build up the relationship between your child and your mother or another babysitter in advance.

You're doing the right thing by going, OP. It's important for a couple to have time together outside of the children. And you won't know unless you try, right?! Hope you both have a fantastic night at the concert.
Oh, and it did cross my mind that 3 days a week is quite a lot for your mum. I would maybe source a good childminder with experience of ASD kids. I work 1:1 with them, and while consistency is important, so is getting them used to other people.

@coco2891 ignore the arseholes here trying to blame you or saying you should just leave him. And a childminder! Just like that 😂 some people live on another planet.
I can’t pretend to understand how difficult your situation must be as I don’t have autistic children, but you sound like a lovely caring mum. Hugs to you and well done. I hope you find a solution and get to enjoy your well deserved break and concert.

OP, I don't think that people are blaming you for anything. Children - including SEN children - are like little sponges - they absorb everything, and parent often pass on their own anxieties to them in a completely unconscious and involuntary way. If you are anxious, I guarantee your children will pick up on it. That's why it's so important to take care of yourself too.

And I don't think talking about a childminder means that you are "living on another planet" - many people can afford it, in different ways and on a more or less regular basis. And in any case, whatever your circumstances, it's important to start laying the foundations of a good, reliable, and sustainable support system. For everyone's sake.

@drinkygin

Living on a different planet for suggesting the OP explores the childminder route? To give herself or her mum (who may not always be available) an occasional break. If this is so far outside your understanding, then it's you who lives on a different planet.

Obviously I mean the ones suggesting it this close for an overnight stay when the OPs son won’t even stay with his gran. Not suggesting it as a more long term solution! 🙄🙄🙄

I know you've decided to not go Op. Just thought I'd mention there are travelodges near the Eden project. Not sure if that could be a solution for you. Enjoy your night out whatever you do

How about getting an air bnb? You can get somewhere really lovely around there for a decent price, and might give you extra peace of mind having LOs there. Sounds like you both deserve a good night out, so I hope this one works out for you.

I work with SEN children , lots who are autistic and non verbal. I help parents to try and deal with situations quite often. No magic formula and I don't want to sound like I am teaching you duck eggs but preparation really helps.
Do you use visual timetables and social stories? Happy to message you if it helps,

Mums been up today and we've had a chat about it all , she understand on some level as my brother was gravely ill as a baby so she had anxiety over him (he's a strapping 30 year old now) she thinks if I'm having doubts now then better to make other arrangements than leave it to last minute -we haven't got enough time and availability between now and then to get him used to staying there but
We've agreed that it's a good idea to start trying to get him used to staying down with them (5 mins away) so if anything does come up and we want a night away it won't be such a big deal, and he has another 'safe space' maybe this time next year it'll be a regular occurrence but for now it's baby steps . Thanks for all the replies

We've tried visual sequencing but he's not interested -or pecs -his attention span and joint attention isn't there yet-he doesn't have an issue with change in routine or unusual places etc , he doesn't have to have things just so or sensory difficulties.
His main issues are lack of communication and social interaction and major separation anxiety from me and occasionally husband.
So our main priority at the moment is minimising stress for him now and where we can. As some of you may be aware a child that cannot talk or communicate effectively gets very frustrated

Is he completely non-verbal? That's pretty serious. Its inevitable at some point that you will have to be away for a night. Now I think he's probably already developed the ability to learn to cope with you being away. He just needs to learn how to use it. In fact, the younger he starts the easier it will be. So go away for the night, turn your phone off, have fun. He won't be permanently harmed, and will ultimately become stronger as a result.