To disappoint Dh and cancel concert

[coco2891]

Hey 👋 really torn over what to do here . I bought tickets on impulse and I'm regretting it now and feeling anxious. Husband is really excited and thinks it will be a great night for us to re-live our youth. Me on the other had is already fretting about leaving the children overnight. I have 2 children , 4&5 -youngest recently diagnosed with Autism and is non verbal. My mum has stayed at ours twice in 4 years while we've had a night away for birthdays -no more than 20mins drive away. The gig is at the Eden project which is 2.5 hrs from home and we'd be staying overnight. Last time she babysat lo woke up and had a meltdown , wouldn't be comforted / consoled and she found it really upsetting -I was home in 2mins as we were at a neighbours house. We co-sleep too so he's used to having me close and without being able to talk or understand I can't reason with him or bribe him. If mum couldn't get him to settle I know she'd want me back as she can't bare it seeing them upset. Being that far away I wouldn't be able to get back tho. So I'm stressing now over what to do , I know Dh will be soooo disappointed , on the one hand I'd love to go -it's the chemical brothers and I've been a big fan of theirs since early teens but on the other I'm going to feel such anxiety while we're gone and will feel incredible guilt if he gets inconsolable in my absence. I want us to be able to go off and do things as a couple as our marriage needs it but feeling like this is too far and I should suggest a night away closer to home. What do you think? Xx

Not completely -he does have words but they are only labels like 'lion' tiger etc , no sentences or words directed at a person -he does not use any of the names of things he knows to communicate anything to us they are purely used in his narrative -his way of communicating at present it screaming and or crying. He does say one sentence actually 'LET ME GO' 🙄
I agree it will make him stronger long term to get him used to staying at grandparents-but I would NEVER turn my phone off! 🤭😮

Will your parents be able to cope when you son has a meltdown at your absence and resist the temptation to call you? I don't think it will do your son harm if you go to the concert. If you are worried that it will, perhaps you could see an expert?

Will your parents be able to cope when you son has a meltdown at your absence and resist the temptation to call you?

Sorry, are you saying the solution if they can’t cope with his meltdown is the op turning off her phone? Have I misunderstood? I don’t think that’s the answer. I really don’t.

And I’m sure the op is doing whatever she can for her ds in terms of “seeing an expert” etc. Some random on MN saying “see an expert” is probably not super helpful.

We waited 2 years to see an 'expert' on the nhs and have been given a diagnosis and left to get on with it , I have forked out a few hundred on private speech therapy that hasn't worked. So yeah

So go away for the night, turn your phone off, have fun
Sorry but who does this, even when it's a NT child it's utterly irresponsible. If you're leaving your child with a non-parent or legal guardian, you shouldn't be turning your phone off and pretending like they don't exist!

OP I really feel for you. I have a DD with asd and it is really hard. Things that other kids can cope with she simply can’t.

Mine have gone to stay with my mum but she struggles when the inevitable meltdown happens at bed time and calls me. There is nothing I can do and just means DD is more upset and I feel awful. It helps no one.

DD wants me and DH only. We do manage babaysitters but there is always the anxiety about her getting distressed and whether they will be able to
Cope.

On paper it sounds so easy to get someone to help and him used to the idea of being away from you, but the reality is very different.

This is the reality of having a disabled child. Life is harder, different and the parts of life that other parents take for granted seem like a magical land to some of us.

@LadyLuna16 yeah 😔💐

You're right, unless you're legitimately wealthy, you can't afford to have experts on call. And this is something nobody, not even experts, know about. Is leaving your child for more than a couple hours going to be harmful to him? This is your call to make.

It was insensitive to say "turn off your phone too". I was just thinking how did people cope before mobile phones? But we have them now, they are vital. Your poor mother would think the worst if she went to call you and got the could not be connected response. So if you do want to go, you'll have to talk with her and discuss how he's going to react and what's the threshold of when she should call you. This would be quite a burden to place on her I appreciate.

@Scott72 no not harmful I suppose but it's me too , I won't enjoy being away from him knowing he'll be upset . I've decided not to go and husbands supportive so plan now is to get both of my boys staying together at mums so maybe a year from now it'll be no big deal. And you're right the experts don't have all the answers because all children on the spectrum are different -I'm the expert on my child and will continue to do what I feel is in his best interests.

@DocusDiplo I meant to thank you earlier for your kind words -thank you xx