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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think somethings not right?

94 replies

Lotsoflaughs · 14/04/2019 19:37

Advice needed on a dating situation - go easy on me please.

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy since early December. For valentines I decided to do something nice and take us away for a spa weekend. The total cost of this was around £800. I didn’t mind paying as I had some money saved for a rainy day but a few things have bothered me.

On the way there he also let me buy the lunch. I thought given I’ve paid for the both of us to go away he could have at least paid for a lunch??!

I’ve just been looking at my bank statements online and I’ve noticed that I’ve also paid for 4 dates between valentines and the end of February. It’s only when I have sat down and gone through my finances that I’ve realised I’m paying for what I feel is way more than my fair share.

December was the same, and January too. I’ve been paying for 90% of the dates.

He also has me over to his house once a week but there is never any food in the fridge. Literally nothing apart from beer.
His answer to this is to always order takeaway or go out for food. Again, I seem to paying for a lot of it - I offer to pay as I’m his guest (in the hope he says it’s his turn) but he just respond with “ok” and then let’s me pay.

On a few occasions I’ve actually done a M&S shop for him and brought over ready meals and some of his favourite food. Again this has cost me around £40- 50 a time.

He never seems to cook and because there isn’t even basic ingredients to cook a meal, his answer is usually either to go out for food or order in a takeaway. It’s costing a fortune and I’m getting fed up.

I have raised it with him recently in as tactful a way as I can but nothing has really changed.

We are on a similar salary and both are 25.

He’s great in every other way, I have zero complaints.

Just the money, the lack of food, and the constant takeaways....

Thoughts please

OP posts:
titchy · 14/04/2019 19:39

He's seen you coming! Talk to him. If he apologises profusely and actually changes give him a chance. Bet he apologises or makes an excuse but never actually puts his hand in his pocket though. In which case bin him.

UCOinanOCG · 14/04/2019 19:41

He sounds like a tightwad.

Yessiry · 14/04/2019 19:42

Definitely not a keeper.

He knows you're paying and he's happy with that. He won't offer beause he knows you will.

FriarTuck · 14/04/2019 19:45

Maybe you offer before he gets the chance? Or maybe he thinks it would be considered sexist if he insisted on paying sometimes? Or maybe he's tight-fisted? Or maybe you actually need to say 'your turn to pay' / 'don't forget to get some food in' so he knows what you're expecting?
Maybe he can't actually cook!!

Quietlife333 · 14/04/2019 19:46

Stop paying. Sounds like he is letting you out because you are offering. Also he sounds incapable of looking after himself and if he is this bad now he will only get worse.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2019 19:46

He's definitely taking advantage

You seem like you're trying to 'impress him' with your money.

£800 on a Valentine's gift when you'd only been dating 2 months??

Paying for an M&S food shop for him?

Ditch him and think before you date anyone else, about why you're flashing so much cash.

You can't buy affection I'm afraid.

NottonightJosepheen · 14/04/2019 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

riotlady · 14/04/2019 19:47

Oof, I know it’s done now but £800 on a weekend away with a guy you’ve been dating for less than 3 months is intense!
I would just stop paying tbh, if he suggests getting a takeaway then just say “sure, it’s your turn to pay though!”
If you don’t feel comfortable saying that to him, I’d have a careful think about why.

Howyiz · 14/04/2019 19:47

Stop offering!

NottonightJosepheen · 14/04/2019 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2019 19:50

He saw you coming a mile off! Stop being a mug, op. This man is taking you for all you've got. Dump him immediately.

Ncasouting19 · 14/04/2019 19:50

I would walk away. Even to ask to go dutch is better than letting someone else pay all the time.

Does he have no self respect?

bridgetreilly · 14/04/2019 19:51

First, a Valentine's weekend is not 'a rainy day'. Money saved for a rainy day is for when your car breaks down or you have to move unexpectedly or lose your job. Don't waste it on treats.

Second, STOP PAYING FOR THINGS. And wtf are you doing his shopping for him? And unless he suddenly comes to his senses, apologises profusely and pays for everything for at least the next six months, dump him.

Lotsoflaughs · 14/04/2019 19:52

Yes I think you are right.

I think it’s just so bizarre that at his age he can’t stock his fridge or make a meal.

I feel like I’m his second mother

OP posts:
LazyFace · 14/04/2019 19:52

800 after 2 months of knowing someone? I wouldn't even have celebrated Valentine's.

NoBaggyPants · 14/04/2019 19:54

You're a walkover. Stop trying so hard. Stop offering to pay, preempt takeaways etc by saying "are you paying tonight?".

Stop doing food shops for him!

Unburnished · 14/04/2019 19:55

What did he say when you mentioned it? Did he just brush it off and say he’d pay next time, was he embarrassed or did he seem affronted?

NoBaggyPants · 14/04/2019 19:55

I feel like I’m his second mother

That's how you're acting, yes.

I'm sure he's capable of stocking his fridge. But why would he need to it when you're doing it for him?

Yessiry · 14/04/2019 19:56

You sound lovely and very generous.

You deserve to be with someone equally lovely and generous. This guy...isn't. trust me.

Walk run away.

SparklyMagpie · 14/04/2019 19:57

Holy moly!!!

I can't even get my head around this!!

AnnieMay100 · 14/04/2019 19:57

Is he in any money trouble or showing signs of a problem that would take up all his money? (Drugs/gambling)
I’d steer clear and end things personally he’s taking advantage of you offering to pay and making no effort with you don’t let him walk over you again

Lotsoflaughs · 14/04/2019 19:57

He said he would pay for dates from now on. But hasn’t been forthcoming.

He doesn’t see the lack of food as an issue as he just buys what he needs day by day. Mainly pre-made Tesco sandwiches for lunch and I know he eats takeaway for dinner when I’m not there. Either that or goes to his mums house

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 14/04/2019 19:58

Its bizarre that it's taken you 4 months to come to this conclusion OP???? Shock

KC225 · 14/04/2019 19:58

Get rid. There is nothing worse than a mean person. And he is the worst type of mean - mean of spirit and effort.

Why on earth would you do an M&S shop? You are behaving like a mother.

When you are invited to someone's house, they usually provide food and you take a bottle, so he should be paying for the take away. You are trying too hard.

TonTonMacoute · 14/04/2019 19:59

Thoughts please

He's a tightwad, a very unattractive quality in anyone. If he's not trying to woo and impress you at this early stage in your relationship, then it's never going to happen.

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