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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think somethings not right?

94 replies

Lotsoflaughs · 14/04/2019 19:37

Advice needed on a dating situation - go easy on me please.

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy since early December. For valentines I decided to do something nice and take us away for a spa weekend. The total cost of this was around £800. I didn’t mind paying as I had some money saved for a rainy day but a few things have bothered me.

On the way there he also let me buy the lunch. I thought given I’ve paid for the both of us to go away he could have at least paid for a lunch??!

I’ve just been looking at my bank statements online and I’ve noticed that I’ve also paid for 4 dates between valentines and the end of February. It’s only when I have sat down and gone through my finances that I’ve realised I’m paying for what I feel is way more than my fair share.

December was the same, and January too. I’ve been paying for 90% of the dates.

He also has me over to his house once a week but there is never any food in the fridge. Literally nothing apart from beer.
His answer to this is to always order takeaway or go out for food. Again, I seem to paying for a lot of it - I offer to pay as I’m his guest (in the hope he says it’s his turn) but he just respond with “ok” and then let’s me pay.

On a few occasions I’ve actually done a M&S shop for him and brought over ready meals and some of his favourite food. Again this has cost me around £40- 50 a time.

He never seems to cook and because there isn’t even basic ingredients to cook a meal, his answer is usually either to go out for food or order in a takeaway. It’s costing a fortune and I’m getting fed up.

I have raised it with him recently in as tactful a way as I can but nothing has really changed.

We are on a similar salary and both are 25.

He’s great in every other way, I have zero complaints.

Just the money, the lack of food, and the constant takeaways....

Thoughts please

OP posts:

Ihatehashtags · 14/04/2019 21:15

Get rid of him for sure. He’s tight, using you, or both. Not attractive qualities in anyone. You could always just use him for some action if he’s good in the sack! Other than that it doesn’t sound like her has much going for him and you are far to good for him!

CalleighDoodle · 14/04/2019 21:27

honestly, he hasnt quote reached adulthood yet. bin him. although if youre in no hurry, id not take any money (except cab fare home) to the next four dates, then bin him off.

Margot33 · 14/04/2019 21:32

I think this is your fault. You keep offering and he accepts! £800 on a valentines gift after only knowing him for two months is maddness! You should firmly say I paid last time, it's your turn. If he doesn't pay them head home and think about knocking him on the end.

Duck90 · 14/04/2019 21:35

He doesn’t sound like he bothers to take care of himself!

What’s his cleanliness like, personal and housekeeping?

Belenus · 14/04/2019 21:43

I think this is your fault. You keep offering and he accepts!

If someone kept offering to pay for me, I'd say no. If they wouldn't take no for an answer I'd stop seeing them. Yes, the OP has contributed to a bad dynamic but it isn't her fault that this man has completely taken advantage of her naivety and generosity. If he had any pride or generosity he would insist on going halves.

What did you do for Valentines Day?

Not sure if this was directed at me, but just in case, we didn't. Too new a relationship. Met up as normal over the weekend but didn't do anything to mark the day. Both of the opinion that it's a commercial trap that's not significant to us.

bringbacksideburns · 14/04/2019 21:45

His family come from money. So I honestly think he’s just used to people paying for stuff for him and is spoilt

That makes it ten times worse.
I'd take a huge step back and see what happens when you don't go round to his with money or food.
Then dump.

mellicauli · 14/04/2019 21:46

He's really not that fussed about you..sure, he's happy to sleep with you and spend your money until someone better comes along. Cut your losses now. It's not going to get any better.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 14/04/2019 21:47

He sounds grim. Sorry to be blunt but I couldn't imagine ever dating someone who can't take care of their basic needs, buying ingredients and prepping a meal. Even if it's just spag bol!

Only advice is leave while you still have some cash and dignity in tact OP.

Tinkobell · 14/04/2019 21:49

Ask him if he actually knows how to cook?! i bet you he will say 'yeah....course I can" in which case, say 'prove it' - next date say you're looking forward to him producing a tasty home cooked meal - offer to bring the wine only and say then you will reciprocate. If he doesn't want to play ball, I'd consider ending it. Because honestly, whipping up even a basic meal for someone after 2 months isn't not a big ask is it? Maybe he needs a housekeeper / cook not a girlfriend OP?

Tinkobell · 14/04/2019 21:51

If he only ever eats ready bought sarnies and takeouts he will soon become a sluggish fat boy.

HollowTalk · 14/04/2019 22:03

Is this the kind of man you hoped you'd meet?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/04/2019 22:17

25 yrs old and dropping £800 on valentines after a few months?
I am assuming you guys make dollar in the city and are on grad salaries of £50-70k

I’d hit this on the head right now - but be warned going 50/50 isn’t going to fix this.
He needs to learn to adult.
Tesco sandwiches do not count as a home made meal

Safiya5 · 14/04/2019 22:24

Seriously OP and I don’t say this lightly. You need to dump him.

This behaviour has to be the biggest turn off imaginable, surely? How can you even ask?

At this stage most men would be paying for most dates, if not all of them. His behaviour is very ungentlemanly and he is a fool, frankly,

Raspberrytruffle · 14/04/2019 22:25

He is as tight as a frogs arse, my first boyfriend was like that. Proper cocklodger. Get rid

MooseHoose · 14/04/2019 22:54

I’d tell him outright that you find his lack of reciprocal generosity really unattractive! He’s taking the piss. My ex let me take him for three nights in a spa and his only contribution was to put in £20 of petrol - a third of a tank - when my car was running on reserve levels getting us there and back. If he doesn’t want to treat you and share costs that he can afford just as easily as you, then he’s not worth your time.

llangennith · 15/04/2019 21:19

You're a grown up. He's not.

NigellaAwesome · 16/04/2019 08:28

What are you going to do op?

Happynow001 · 16/04/2019 12:06

Hello Lotsoflaughs

Thanks all. I think it’ll be letting him go....
I'm glad you are thinking this because he's really not a good boyfriend/partner.

He said he would pay for dates from now on. But hasn’t been forthcoming.
he sounds entitled and spoiled and,sorry to say, really not that into you or he'd behave better.

He doesn’t see the lack of food as an issue as he just buys what he needs day by day. Mainly pre-made Tesco sandwiches for lunch and I know he eats takeaway for dinner when I’m not there. Either that or goes to his mums house
He still has more growing up to do doesn't he - and by that I don't mean you being his second mother.

Have a bit more respect for yourself OP and really do walk away. Aren't you worth more than this?

joystir59 · 16/04/2019 12:10

He's an entitled immature sexist twat

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