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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think somethings not right?

94 replies

Lotsoflaughs · 14/04/2019 19:37

Advice needed on a dating situation - go easy on me please.

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy since early December. For valentines I decided to do something nice and take us away for a spa weekend. The total cost of this was around £800. I didn’t mind paying as I had some money saved for a rainy day but a few things have bothered me.

On the way there he also let me buy the lunch. I thought given I’ve paid for the both of us to go away he could have at least paid for a lunch??!

I’ve just been looking at my bank statements online and I’ve noticed that I’ve also paid for 4 dates between valentines and the end of February. It’s only when I have sat down and gone through my finances that I’ve realised I’m paying for what I feel is way more than my fair share.

December was the same, and January too. I’ve been paying for 90% of the dates.

He also has me over to his house once a week but there is never any food in the fridge. Literally nothing apart from beer.
His answer to this is to always order takeaway or go out for food. Again, I seem to paying for a lot of it - I offer to pay as I’m his guest (in the hope he says it’s his turn) but he just respond with “ok” and then let’s me pay.

On a few occasions I’ve actually done a M&S shop for him and brought over ready meals and some of his favourite food. Again this has cost me around £40- 50 a time.

He never seems to cook and because there isn’t even basic ingredients to cook a meal, his answer is usually either to go out for food or order in a takeaway. It’s costing a fortune and I’m getting fed up.

I have raised it with him recently in as tactful a way as I can but nothing has really changed.

We are on a similar salary and both are 25.

He’s great in every other way, I have zero complaints.

Just the money, the lack of food, and the constant takeaways....

Thoughts please

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 14/04/2019 20:20

Hang on OP, you spent £800 on valentines day for you both after only a couple of months....

What did he get you for valentines day? As it certainly wasn't lunch !

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 14/04/2019 20:20

OP ...lovely lady...its April...you have way over invested in this "relationship"! This is the getting to know each other stage..the feeling fabulous.wanted,fun,happy sexy stage! The finding out about each other stage where both of you would move mountains to make each other happy....it seems all one sided to me....Where is the hearts and flowers..where is the romantic walks at midnight,where is the 3 am phone calls cos you left at midnight and are missing each other? You wont find any of those vital ingredients in a M and S ready meal..however good they are! There are times when things are tough and you move heaven and earth to join together to help support each other but that should not be now! You are a reletively new girlfriend to be adored and persued and worshipped not a mother. or a personal shopper or a bank.....he sounds way too shitty for you and you need to stop thinking by being a pushover that it will make him want and desire you more....I promise you he will look at your relationship wildly differently than you do....If hes doing all this he doesnt respect you at all...I am sorry but I think you deserve more than him ...

lboogy · 14/04/2019 20:22

Only go to his house when you're completely full and bring only enough alcohol for you to drink. If you go for a meal, again make sure you're full and drink tap water. This might give you an indication if he expects you to pay or he's generally not thinking.

All this said, chivalry is dead in young men. I'd ditch him tbh, but if you say he has sorbet good qualities then you need to be more explicit

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 14/04/2019 20:22

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Lucymumofson · 14/04/2019 20:22

I think he’s taking you for a ride. Plus I have no idea why you would spend £800 on someone after dating for little over two months. Stop paying for stuff!

Lucymumofson · 14/04/2019 20:23

Agree with above. Stop paying for stuff and see how he does

CKWattisthemanager · 14/04/2019 20:24

Send him an email saying that as you have paid for the last blah number of occasions, it's his turn to pay for the next blah number and see what he says to that.

Nannewnannew · 14/04/2019 20:24

A huge red flag I’m afraid! Walk away ASAP. I talk from experience and am still counting the cost several years later from dating a similar taker.

Bringbackbertha · 14/04/2019 20:29

What did he get you for valentines?

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 20:31

He sounds tight. You have way overspent. Stop immediately.

HisBetterHalf · 14/04/2019 20:33

We are on a similar salary and both are 25. He’s great in every other way, I have zero complaints

He's not great, he's using you and if you have no complaints why are you writing this post?

SpaceCadet4000 · 14/04/2019 20:34

Eeesh, I can't even imagine being in any serious kind of financial commitment with someone with this attitude. Not having a stocked fridge and eating ad hoc is one thing, but always allowing others to pay is a big red flag. You're doing the right thing if you walk away!

Something I learnt from dating was to always suggest going 50:50 in the early stages. It sets a precedent for joint financial responsibility, weeds out the cock lodgers, and helps you dodge the types who think they're owed sex if they pay.

MortyVicar · 14/04/2019 20:37

Mainly pre-made Tesco sandwiches for lunch and I know he eats takeaway for dinner when I’m not there. Either that or goes to his mums house

Which tells you that he's the sort who doesn't make any effort generally - so he won't if you were to move in together. You'd be doing all the cooking, cleaning, paying, and heaven help you if you had a child together.

Time to get rid! (He can go back to his mum's to be looked after.)

Ohhellothereladyface · 14/04/2019 20:38

Stop offering to pay for things! He’s being bloody cheap and taking the piss.
Any decent person would say “hold on it’s my turn” or if money was tight for them, they wouldn’t keep on accepting things from you.
He sounds like a ponce.

helacells · 14/04/2019 20:41

You need to wake up and smell the coffee. Let him woo you and spoil you on dates. Why did you fork out 800 quid on a virtual stranger? I'd cut my losses he sounds like a miser and they're the worst kind.

Ohhellothereladyface · 14/04/2019 20:45

Also - many years ago I went out with a guy a bit like this but not quite as extreme (because I didn’t have £800 for a weekend away etc back then, I’m certain he would have taken it if I had!)
He used to constantly ask to borrow money, not large amounts but £20 here, £50 there. Used to ask to borrow my car as his was never working. Asked me to pick him up from the airport to be greeted by 3 of his mates all expecting a lift home too (and who all lived in different directions and no he didn’t even offer to fill my car up either)
Was quite happy for me to pay for pretty much whatever we did.
Always had money to go out on the town with his friends though!
I dont know why I put up with it - I think I just wanted to believe we were in a serious relationship and as such “what’s mine was his”. In reality he was a loser who used me for everything he could and took the absolute piss.
Don’t do what I did and pretend it was normal - it wasn’t!

Springwalk · 14/04/2019 20:46

Why on gods earth are you shelling out so much money to have the pleasure of HIS company? I am not saying we should be living in the 1940s where the man woos the woman, but this has gone too far the other way.....

What are you getting out of this op?

Apart from an empty bank account?

I would tell him and give him one week to turn this around, and vow not to spend another penny on him for the next twelve months at least. If he is genuinely into you, he will be happy to fulfil his promise of making this up to you, if he bails on you will know you have had the luckiest of escapes.....

He is a cock lodger in waiting.

Seriously op you should not be paying to date any man ever. As in never. Stop trying to impress him and start looking after yourself and your finances.

Ellie56 · 14/04/2019 20:46

Stop being his mummy and dump him. You can do better than this.

Ellie56 · 14/04/2019 20:50

And he's NOT great if he's prepared to continually sponge off you, and is totally incapable of shopping or rustling a meal up!

Boysey45 · 14/04/2019 20:51

Your being rinsed and hes very tight.
Drop him and with your next boyfriend make sure its 50/50 from the off. No £800 treats.

Playmytune · 14/04/2019 20:52

“I offer to pay as I’m his guest”!
Sorry op, think you’ve got it wrong there. Why on Earth would you think that if someone invites you over it’s up to you to provide the food?? If you’re his guest he pays, not you!!

What decent person allows their girlfriend to pay for everything? One who is taking them for a ride!!
I agree with pp, a £800 spa weekend is not a rainy day. He must have thought all his Christmases had come at the once when he met you. Cut your loses and dump this CF. You deserve better!

Belenus · 14/04/2019 21:01

Either that or goes to his mums house

Run. Run fast and run far.

I'm almost twice your age OP. I started dating someone back in January. Neither of us would spend £800 quid on the other. Not because we don't like each other - we do. But because we're old enough to know that a few months into a relationship isn't the time to be splashing out that sort of money. We alternate who pays for the date. He does sub me to a degree because I got made redundant recently, so he does the driving. Other than that we both chip in and we're quite open about discussing this. We also cook for each other.

I'm not saying this is some model to follow necessarily, but it is an example of how things can be. We share costs, without counting pennies. Neither would dream of letting the other one pay for everything.

I would just bale. Oh he might learn eventually, but I have a feeling he'll need to be dumped several times and reach his mid 30s before he does.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 14/04/2019 21:03

Simple- don’t take your purse or card with you🤷🏻‍♀️

Supersimpkin · 14/04/2019 21:08

Mean with money, mean with love.

You'll do way better OP once you've dumped this one.

HiItsClemFandango · 14/04/2019 21:15

What did you do for Valentines Day?

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