Is my sis being a bit precious about naptime or AIBU?

[Toms0909]

Ok, so I'm prepared for a flaming on here, but I'm asking as I don't have kids of my own and I'm unsure whether I'm being a bit of a walkover or whether this is perfectly reasonable and one of those things that you'd only understand when you have them sort of thing.

Dsis (step-sister, not that it matters, though might help to know she's older and a bit of an age gap). Has a 3 and a half yr old + baby on the way. Was a single parent initially as the dad went AWOL when she was pregnant, so been through some tough times. Now in a relationship with a lovely guy, hence baby number 2.

So here's the AIBU. DN has a lunchtime nap. Lunchtime nap can only be at home. Needs settling time before nap. So any meet ups have to be first thing, as 11am/11.30 is about the cut off. Now when dsis first had the baby, parents (who are over an hour away, as we both moved to our nearest city) made a point of always arranging meet ups which were baby friendly, so that dsis didn't feel excluded, which I understood. This has just naturally continued.

Im not a raging party animal, but for a while now I've found it a bit tiresome that any family get togethers have to be planned for first thing in the morning. Dsis doesn't like to plan anything for later in the day in case DN doesn't sleep well and so might be cranky, or might be sleeping later than planned and they'd be rushing. Because parents live a bit of a distance we can't do and hoc on the day, so it's always mornings.

I'd been prepared to grin and bear it, but then it occured to me that with baby no 2 on the way it's going to get a lot more restricted, even if she's blessed with another easy sleeper it's going to be another 3-4yrs of breakfast meet ups.

I've got a couple of friends who have children and while socialising is obv less spontaneous than it was before kids, I don't remember it ever needing to be quite so timetabled as this. I get that children can be massively different re how well they sleep/don't sleep, so this might be part of it. Also dsis was a very anxious new parent, which is entirely understandable for a FTP but especially for one who is unexpectedly going it alone. But I also remember that before kids dsis was quietly assertive - not demanding, but in MN style 'that will/won't work for me' so things often did end up in a way that would accommodate them best (eg things like going to venues that suited her taste/budget/preferred location).

I know that dsis is not going to change her parenting because it doesn't suit me. But AIBU if I start asking parents to meet up outside of baby friendly times? It's difficult because they're reluctant to show favouritism. But the alternative is my relationship with them suffers because I just can't tolerate another brunch!

Just meet up without her.

You have no clue why she is so attached to the naps. But I would suspect that as a single parent her only down time has been the nap times and she values it.

If she’s had to bring up the child alone for long periods then she needs and fucking medal and all the help she can get. It can be wearing enough with a supportive partner. I don’t know how anyone could do the baby years alone. I applaud them.

I suspect that if you are by yourself with a baby all the time then a routine is the only way you stay sane. I only just scrapped through DDs first year and that was with a lot of help.

I think theres two separate arguments going on here. Is she being precious over nap time? Maybe maybe not depending on how her son is if he doesn't get a nap.

But whether his routine is needed or not - it should no way be a reason to never do any adult activities or to never see your parents yourself. She should accept if she has a rigid routine that not everyone in the wider family has to change plans to accommodate it. And your parents should see you separately - if they babysit for her they're already seeing her side of the family more. They should do stuff you want as well.

I say this as someone who has to be home at 12 every single bloody day so my baby can have a nap after lunch. My choice to be so rigid but wouldn't expect it to affect others. We're always having to leave things early or one of us stay home with the baby, and I wouldn't be offended if others in my family meet up and do things we can't join in as we have children of different ages

Why are so many people being bitchy about a 3. 5 year old napping? I have 3 under 3 and I don't allow visitors round at nap time as that's my time to clean all the shit up and breathe! Must be easy for people who've had chilled flexible single children.

Couldn't you meet at her house, so it can be later and the nap can happen while you're there?

And then if they do nap and are in a good mood, you could go out somewhere afterwards if you all want to.

Someone could bring food, so the pressure's not always on her to host just because you're at her house.

3 and a half year olds shouldn't be having a nap? What madness is this?
My dd is 10, she was a dream baby and loved her sleep. She had a two hour nap everyday until she was 4!
I wasn't restricted as she slept from 12-2 so we went out and met people afterwards. She also didn't start school until she was 5 as is the norm here.
op have a chat with your parents, tell them you don't want to exclude dsis but you'd like to meet them at different times every now and then

Yanbu, she needs to loosen up a bit. She’ll have to if she ever wants to leave the house when she has another bay who will be on a completely different schedule.

Ei don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

I do think it's v strange that your parents can't meet you separately; do sis in morning and then meet you somewhere else to do something else.

If they can't bring themselves to agree to that anyway, you could tell them next time that you've got something on early but will be free come 11.30/12ish, and get round it that way.

She'll have to become more relaxed once dn starts school. She can't just not pick her up from school because the baby is sleeping.

With mine, if they were tired I'd put them in the pram and they'd fall asleep whilst walking to venue if tired but by 3 they'd dropped nap time 😴

I agree that neither of you is being unreasonable.

Life went better with my firstborn when he had a solid couple of hours nap in the middle of the day; so I tried to arrange my days around that whenever I could. But a family meet up would have taken precedence and I’d have just made sure the day after was a quiet day at home probably. Then I had my second, who wasn’t such a good napper, and I realised the world wouldn’t end if we didn’t keep to schedule. Looking back there was definitely some anxiety and a fear of losing control and everything going to shit if I didn’t have those couple of hours in the day. Maybe your sister feels like that too. I used what I used to call “Gina-lite”- I aimed for her rough outline of numbers of naps and feeds/meals etc but didn’t sweat too much if the timings didn’t align.

But missing family meet ups because of it (previous poster; you’re missing your own brother’s 30th birthday lunch????) seems mad to me.

Here’s an idea, OP- would your parents host a brunch at theirs for a change? You could all bring stuff. Then your sister could drive home at nap time and they could sleep in the car, or EVEN put them down for their nap at your parents?

I’d work on something like that; not every time but maybe one in two or three? Easier for your parents not always driving, too. Definitely do it now before the next baby comes.

Crikey, I can see the nap bit, but
Dsis doesn't like to plan anything for later in the day in case is very extreme. I say that as a self confessed rigid parent.

I bet the child would sleep a bit better if she dropped the nap

They're reluctant to show favouritism

How does this work, exactly? Do you mean that they are reluctant to do anything which might suggest favouritism towards you? Because everything that you have said points to subtle favouritism towards your sister; her wants and needs are prioritised above yours.

I also remember that before kids dsis was quietly assertive - not demanding, but in MN style 'that will/won't work for me' so things often did end up in a way that would accommodate them best (eg things like going to venues that suited her taste/budget/preferred location).
So this is not just about the child(ren), it goes deeper than that - it's about your sister always getting her own way, and your parents allowing it.

Parents are retired and tend to just wait till we're both free. Though I'd suspect that if I wasn't, that would be perceived as 'my choice' whereas if I suggest something that DSIS can't attend with DN I'm not thinking about what it's like to have kids.
Favouritism.

I think I need to do something about my relationship with parents, because if it's not naps soon it'll be about school pick up times or homework routines or weekend classes....
Indeed.

The situation/circumstances are different, but there's a similar dynamic in my husband's family. His sister is very insistent on everyone being present at family get-togethers and their parents go along with it. She always gets her own way with arrangements and we are the "bad guys" for even suggesting things that suit us. She spends a lot of time with them when we're not there. But if we try to make arrangements to see them without her, she hates it. The first and last time DH tried to ask his parents to let us spend a week with them without her, all hell broke loose. They vehemently deny any favouritism but of course they favour SIL and not DH. Sadly our efforts to work things out were unsuccessful and we are NC now.

Mine is an extreme example and your dynamics might not be like that at all (I hope not) but many of the things you said rang alarm bells for me, so please tread very carefully.

Can I recommend that when you talk to your parents you suggest overlapping meet-ups (as PPs suggested) and/or a balance between whole family meet-ups with everyone as well as time they spend just with you and time just with your sister and her child(ren). Be clear about the fact that you need some quality time just with them. You will probably have to "soften" this by reassuring them that you know your sister needs the same and that you are not asking them to choose or prioritise, just give time to each of you.

In our case any time DH tried to assert his/our needs and wants as a family, his parents just went on about his sister. I very much hope that yours are more reasonable.

I do find the is odd

I have 3 siblings

We manage our own relationships, between parents and each other

We don’t meet often together unless it’s a birthday/Christmas etc

When my parents were alive, my siblings and I converged on them regularly so we spent a lot of time with all of us together (friends and relatives welcome too). We also managed to see The Parents occasionally at other times separately rather than en masse, there was never a question of who saw them most or A seeing them therefore B and Cust see them too, let alone ensuring that we only ever saw them when it could be all of us. It's ridiculous.

Who is responsible ultimately for deciding that you canonly see your parents when it's both of you? You? Your parents? Your sister? Whoever it is, it's unreasonable and stupid.

At 3.5 I wouldn't expect him to be napping everyday anymore maybe the odd nap but bedtimes must be a nightmare if he is still napping at that age. She is definitely being precious you can adjust kids schedules sometimes.

Why do so many people, on a forum that's supposedly supportive of a broad spectrum of parenting styles, so intolerant of a 3 year old having a midday nap? Some 3 year olds nap, some don't. There is no "should".

OP I think you just have to accept the way your sis is parenting right now, and instead focus on you and your parents. Maybe take them out for dinner? Say you have a voucher that will expire soon if you need an extra reason.