Is my sis being a bit precious about naptime or AIBU?

[Toms0909]

Ok, so I'm prepared for a flaming on here, but I'm asking as I don't have kids of my own and I'm unsure whether I'm being a bit of a walkover or whether this is perfectly reasonable and one of those things that you'd only understand when you have them sort of thing.

Dsis (step-sister, not that it matters, though might help to know she's older and a bit of an age gap). Has a 3 and a half yr old + baby on the way. Was a single parent initially as the dad went AWOL when she was pregnant, so been through some tough times. Now in a relationship with a lovely guy, hence baby number 2.

So here's the AIBU. DN has a lunchtime nap. Lunchtime nap can only be at home. Needs settling time before nap. So any meet ups have to be first thing, as 11am/11.30 is about the cut off. Now when dsis first had the baby, parents (who are over an hour away, as we both moved to our nearest city) made a point of always arranging meet ups which were baby friendly, so that dsis didn't feel excluded, which I understood. This has just naturally continued.

Im not a raging party animal, but for a while now I've found it a bit tiresome that any family get togethers have to be planned for first thing in the morning. Dsis doesn't like to plan anything for later in the day in case DN doesn't sleep well and so might be cranky, or might be sleeping later than planned and they'd be rushing. Because parents live a bit of a distance we can't do and hoc on the day, so it's always mornings.

I'd been prepared to grin and bear it, but then it occured to me that with baby no 2 on the way it's going to get a lot more restricted, even if she's blessed with another easy sleeper it's going to be another 3-4yrs of breakfast meet ups.

I've got a couple of friends who have children and while socialising is obv less spontaneous than it was before kids, I don't remember it ever needing to be quite so timetabled as this. I get that children can be massively different re how well they sleep/don't sleep, so this might be part of it. Also dsis was a very anxious new parent, which is entirely understandable for a FTP but especially for one who is unexpectedly going it alone. But I also remember that before kids dsis was quietly assertive - not demanding, but in MN style 'that will/won't work for me' so things often did end up in a way that would accommodate them best (eg things like going to venues that suited her taste/budget/preferred location).

I know that dsis is not going to change her parenting because it doesn't suit me. But AIBU if I start asking parents to meet up outside of baby friendly times? It's difficult because they're reluctant to show favouritism. But the alternative is my relationship with them suffers because I just can't tolerate another brunch!

I'd suggest overlapping visits as well. Brunch with your sister and parents, then all meet up at the park, then you join them for a bit, then they go home and you go visit somewhere non child friendly with your parents then have lunch with them or something.

I understand lunchtimes are hard but surely late afternoon would be ok? Surely a 3.5 year old won't be that grumpy if they dont sleep well, most have completely dropped a nap. Or her house early afternoon? Or would your parents babysit after spending the afternoon all together so you and her could go somewhere nice for dinner?

It's nice to be accommodating when people have kids as it means events aren't ruined by cranky kids at an unsuitable event, and you get to spend time all together. But that doesn't mean that every single event has to include the kids as well and it doesn't mean you cant meet separately to enjoy adult activities. It does sound like it's gone a bit far when none of the adults in the wider family can enjoy grown up activities because one of them has had a baby 3.5 years ago!

It's normal as a parent once you find something that works you want to protect it, but you have to accept that means you can't attend everything.
You might find she won't be as precious with baby number 2 as they will have to fit around first child's plans. Like having to nap in cars and buggies because it's the same time as pick ups.

I'd suggest doing the morning get together and then just saying to your parents would they like to do something after while sister takes child home for their nap. As you'd like to see them longer.

Re the age, I had been assuming that it'd relax soon, which is why I hadn't pushed it, then baby no 2 was announced! DN is in nursery but only til 12 and it's round the corner from where they live, so it's still naptime.
Parents are retired and tend to just wait till we're both free. Though I'd suspect that if I wasn't, that would be perceived as 'my choice' whereas if I suggest something that DSIS can't attend with DN I'm not thinking about what it's like to have kids.
Though I have thought about what it's like to have kids, that's why I don't have them! Sorry I hope that doesn't offend anyone, I love DN but I'm definitely only cut out for playing with them and handing them back.

I hadn't thought about how much no 2 will upset the routine actually, that could get interesting!

Just read she has a new partner, couldn't he babysit so she could go out for a last nice meal before the baby comes or something? Or take the child home for a nap after all meeting up so you can all have a nice lunch or something?

Like you said you don't have children.

I had twins that refused to nap in pushchairs or cars and would only nap in their cot. Without their naps they were hellish. I too had the raised eyebrows and the 'mine stopped napping at 12 months' 'You should stop napping them and make them fit around you' well bully for you but mine still need a nap. If your sister is anything like me, I would say, carry-on without me if I get there - I get there. Her eldest won't be too far off giving up naps now. I suspect she doesn't want to upset the apple cart as there is about to be a new baby and his routine will be thrown out soon but in a good way ....... The napping phase doesn't last long.

Why should they always yield to the step- sisters childs nap time, why couldn't she accommodate others for a change.

Perhaps OP would like to see the whole family but at a better time rather than just mornings, why should the OP and parents have to meet up separately because of the step sister.

YANBU OP, things will either go to pot when the baby arrives or she will combust at trying to get them to sleep at the same time everyday.

Prime nap time for us is after lunch. Get a good 2-3 hours. I hate missing that time which I use to clean/meal prep, do nothing ect. However every now and then we miss it and life goes on but with a very cranky toddler.

I definitely did the after lunch sleep at home, because if the lunch time sleeps goes badly then the evening bedtime routine was an absolute nightmare. That said, what is wrong with your sister meeting AFTER the lunch nap. She has the whole afternoon and early evening to see you. Insisting on only early mornings does sound very rigid even by my very timetabled standards.
That kind of inflexibility will only increase with baby number two, so any changes you make need to happen now before the newborn arrives.

I don’t understand why you can’t see your parents when you want to, why do they insist on whole family events? It seems a little unhealthy and inflexible too.

Why not arrange a dinner at your house and invite everyone and see what happens? Your sister may be prepared to attend now her child is older. A girls evening for sister and parents minus children? A spa day? You may need to be creative.
YANBU though op.
It is one thing adopting a regular good routine for your child, and quite another to expect everyone else to work around it indefinitely.

You need to talk to your parents.
If your sister wanted her life to be run around her dc’s naps, then good for her.
Your parents need to be a bit more flexible. ( although if they are older grandparents, you may just get over the grandkids nap time then it’s time for the gp’s siesta!)

I have a 3yo and a newborn. DD(3) still has a nap 1-3pm roughly. We are quite protective of nap time. What we do is a mixture of:
Meeting in the morning
Meeting after nap or invite people to ours once nap has started
Push nap forward or back, and accept some tiredness with this
Tell the rest of the family to go ahead without us e.g. my brother's 30th is coming up and we have opted out of dinner as it will be tricky. We will see them the next afternoon for cake.

Could you start by suggesting a morning meet up followed by an adult lunch. Maybe make it for a reason initially e.g. a birthday treat, to discuss something.

I think your sister is bonkers. I have a 10 month old and a 4 year old. Never ever have I restricted what I do with friends and family around naps. In an ideal world dc2 will have a nap in her cot around lunch time but we hit an ideal world once in a blue moon around here due to preschool/activities/playdates for dc1.

I have to admit to be amazed at a 3 and a half year old who naps though. Dc1 stopped day time naps around 18 months and I suspect his little sister will be following a similar pattern.

Planned naps for 3yr old? Wtf

She is being precious about nap time - babies can nap in a pushchair or even change it when there's a need. I'm guessing she doesn't have a job or anything else to do as it's simply not possible to always be at home at lunchtime

I think you are a saint for tolerating this for as long as you have. I wouldn’t have been going to early morning meet ups for years. It isn’t favoritism for them to do early mornings with her and dinner with you. On the contrary is seems to show favouritism to her restricting your meeting with them to mornings with her and her DC, where is your quality time with your parents?

I’m quite surprised that a child is still having a long nap at lunch time at this age. Surely they’ll be starting school soon?
You’ll have to start using her tactic saying ‘sorry that doesn’t work for me, i’ll Make my own plans With Mum & Dad’.

People like this are extremely tiresome. I make exceptions for people I really like and want to see so will work around them(I assume your sister would fall into this category), but at 3.5 that is ridiculous. She could be starting school in five months!

Arrange to meet up with your parent separately if a morning meet up is not good for you. I’m sure your parents want to see you too so shouldn’t be a problem.

Op if your sister brings the 3 year old out for lunch/ the afternoon without a nap .and they play up or cry or generally whinge and misbehave because they are tired ( which many many children do), would you give your sister a free pass as she knew her child is be tired/ cranky without a nap, or would you be posting on here about your sister ' indulging' her child and bringing up a badly behaved brat who.spoilt your get together with their behaviour. My guess would be the latter.

If the former, why not tell your sister you would love to meet in the afternoon. Could she give it a try and you will help out if the 3 year old seems cranky but maybe it will work . If you phrase it that way she may be willing to try it and see. My bet however is she knows the judgement she will get of her child misbehaves so would rather make sure she does everything she can to avoid that so is unwilling to risk the possible fall out of changing her routine.

If she's a stepsister then you don't share the same bio parents. Is the step parent who married your parent quite pushy about insisting you all meet as a group? Can you speak to your parent separately and suggest meeting up with them after they've met with your stepsister?

A lot does depend on the kid though

Mine was a pain. Nap time was a nightmare but the only red hot hell than nap time was the angry beast he became if we messed with nap time

It clearly was not genetic because I love being out and about and spontaneously doing stuff. I fought it so hard thinking he would just get used to it. But in the end he won. Didn’t quite last to 3.5 luckily, but was around 3 before he stopped dominating out lives with his bloody naps

Re the babysitting thing, it's always been our parents who babysit for dsis, just who she was comfortable with, and they wanted to support her which is fair enough. New partner probably could step in but I think with her being a single parent for the first few years she's very much the lead with DN, I'm not suggesting he wouldn't help or wouldn't be capable its just not a point she's at I don't think.

Just to be clear, while I do feel like rolling my eyes a bit at the nap thing, I respect that my sis will be doing what works for her child and I know I don't know what goes on behind closed doors to know why it's got to this point and why it's neccesary.

The AIBU is about being a bit assertive with parents to meet up separately, it'd be a noticeable change to all of us so I wanted to see whether that would be a reasonable thing or a twatty thing to do.

I think my parents still think of dsis as being as fragile as she was 3yrs ago - the dad going was out of the blue, (decided a bit late that he didn't want the responsibility, after pushing for happy families, house etc), she was the first in her group of friends to have a baby so she felt left behind by them (not intentionally, but her life changed hugely and theirs carried on the same). So I think they were trying to be sensitive, but it's gone from being helpful to quite an unhealthy habit. I'm sure none of us would have anticipated that it would have gone on this long!

Overall I would say YANBU but neither is she. Some children and parents really need a strict nap routine more than others. But on the flip side it is annoying when others have to manage arround this. In a couple of years things will be more flexible.

Wow lots of typos

But you get the drift.

She probably doesn’t love it either and would prefer to be able to hang out

If you’re unreasonable then so am I. But I have kids and have lived this, I also had twins which was even harder.

Special needs aside, being this prescriptive and specific with naps and dinner times is a recipe for having to plan your life around the kid/kids.

It isn't possible to say whether she's being precious or not because children nap completely differently. Some of them are fine out of routine, some of them don't really have one anyway, some of them are an utter nightmare. We have no way of knowing what hers is. And being pregnant, sleep related issues are going to be a priority for her.

However, I think your title is asking the wrong question. Let's assume your sister isn't being at all precious, and she's correct that meeting any time other than morning would result in a fractious small child who'd spoil the day. That doesn't mean every single social occasion has to be organised with that in mind. By all means ask your parents to meet at other times too.