Is my sis being a bit precious about naptime or AIBU?

[Toms0909]

Ok, so I'm prepared for a flaming on here, but I'm asking as I don't have kids of my own and I'm unsure whether I'm being a bit of a walkover or whether this is perfectly reasonable and one of those things that you'd only understand when you have them sort of thing.

Dsis (step-sister, not that it matters, though might help to know she's older and a bit of an age gap). Has a 3 and a half yr old + baby on the way. Was a single parent initially as the dad went AWOL when she was pregnant, so been through some tough times. Now in a relationship with a lovely guy, hence baby number 2.

So here's the AIBU. DN has a lunchtime nap. Lunchtime nap can only be at home. Needs settling time before nap. So any meet ups have to be first thing, as 11am/11.30 is about the cut off. Now when dsis first had the baby, parents (who are over an hour away, as we both moved to our nearest city) made a point of always arranging meet ups which were baby friendly, so that dsis didn't feel excluded, which I understood. This has just naturally continued.

Im not a raging party animal, but for a while now I've found it a bit tiresome that any family get togethers have to be planned for first thing in the morning. Dsis doesn't like to plan anything for later in the day in case DN doesn't sleep well and so might be cranky, or might be sleeping later than planned and they'd be rushing. Because parents live a bit of a distance we can't do and hoc on the day, so it's always mornings.

I'd been prepared to grin and bear it, but then it occured to me that with baby no 2 on the way it's going to get a lot more restricted, even if she's blessed with another easy sleeper it's going to be another 3-4yrs of breakfast meet ups.

I've got a couple of friends who have children and while socialising is obv less spontaneous than it was before kids, I don't remember it ever needing to be quite so timetabled as this. I get that children can be massively different re how well they sleep/don't sleep, so this might be part of it. Also dsis was a very anxious new parent, which is entirely understandable for a FTP but especially for one who is unexpectedly going it alone. But I also remember that before kids dsis was quietly assertive - not demanding, but in MN style 'that will/won't work for me' so things often did end up in a way that would accommodate them best (eg things like going to venues that suited her taste/budget/preferred location).

I know that dsis is not going to change her parenting because it doesn't suit me. But AIBU if I start asking parents to meet up outside of baby friendly times? It's difficult because they're reluctant to show favouritism. But the alternative is my relationship with them suffers because I just can't tolerate another brunch!

I'm also not suggesting Dsis comes out with a cranky toddler and forego his nap. I know it would stress her out (more so her than me). But she also won't agree to anything in the afternoon (post nap) in case he doesn't nap. I've assumed there's been sleep issues for her to have become so anxious about this in the first place. I do hope for her sake that the next one is a good sleeper!
DN is summer birthday so school is next year, and SAHM (she didn't have a choice). I can imagine that being at home a lot you get used to your own routine.

YANBU - you DSS is being very precious about naps and DN. My DS is 3 and a half and hasn't napped in the day for a while - he sometimes falls asleep in the car but that's it. And if he does and we need to get out, we wake him.

The whole world can't revolve around napping - especially a child his age

🤷🏼‍♀️

Go out with your friends for whatever you’re wanting in that respect

Breakfasts / afternoon walks / late lunches / early dinners

You are being unreasonable because her preference means a change of time / venue to suit her. Your preference means her absence or your niece being over tired and uncomfortable and stress for your sis

I am surprised you even need to ask

Surely you can meet up after naptime?

Ok so if nothing in the afternoon, suggest her place
Or mix it up with a morning walk and then brunch
Or won’t be forever

I can see both sides tbh. Some people will be aghast at someone arranging their days around naps, and they will smugly proclaim “I would never allow a child to dictate my schedule”/“my children always fit in around me” but they don’t have any experience of other people’s kids; only their own and news flash: some kids do better with no naps/disturbed naps/naps on the go than others and it’s partly the luck of the draw and is bugger all to do with being a better parent than someone else. Every child is different.

I was lucky in some respects because DD would nap in the car or at home or in the pushchair. But if she missed her nap then she was horrendously badly behaved and cranky. So whilst I could have done a meet up at the park and walked her around in the pram, there would have been absolutely no point whatsoever in me keeping her up to attend another child’s birthday party because she would have cried and tantrummed and nobody would have enjoyed it. I wonder if the poster who was moaning about her friend’s child up thread would have been pleased with that at her birthday party. I can’t imagine anyone would.

I think it’s fine for your sister not to meet up during nap time. After all, it’s her who would have to deal with the fallout with a cranky horrible toddler for the rest of the day and the potential upset to bedtime, disturbed nighttime sleep and even messing up their wake up time the following morning (I remember this knock on effect to the following day if DD missed a nap and became overtired). But the rest of you also have a choice not to work around it every single time. It’s fine to do things separately sometimes. If your parents only want to meet up altogether then it’s on them really. You can go along with it or not, but if you do then it’s unfair to criticise your sister imo. She’s not forcing anyone to fit in with her by the sounds of it.

Sorry just saw your latest post. That does seem annoying then. But surely she’s aware it’s her choice to restrict herself - surely she wouldn’t get offended if you do stuff without her? I used to get pretty stressed about naps with my first but wouldn’t have minded if I missed out on stuff as sleep was a priority for us.

DH and I are the ones that don't have children in his family. We have watched his DB and DSis be unable to go anywhere after 6pm due to bedtimes, then anywhere at weekends due to ballet classes/football classes/kids parties and now it's starting to be SATs.

Meanwhile we have also noticed that his parents view all their children as characters set in stone somewhere in their childhoods: DSis is 'the sensible one', DB is treated as if he is still an 8-yr-old ruining the garden with a football and so on.

We smile and nod, smile and nod. DSis gets all the kudos for supporting DMIL even though it's actually us and mainly me who drop every thing and supported her throughout FIL's dementia and stayed 24/7 when he was dying.

Smile and nod. We have the availability to do it and like to do it. But some people with kids are nuts, and grandchildren will always be the golden ticket.

Assert you absolutely would like to see your parents separately. If this was possible then your sisters routine wouldn’t matter as much.

I am going out on a limb by saying this is a parent problem not a sister problem.
Your parents should be seeing you without everyone else, their insistence on your sister always being there is totally unreasonable and very odd. I would take up with them not her.
Do they see your sister separately?
I assume they do if they babysit, so this is all very strange how they are with you.
Have they always been like this? Have they been accused of not accommodating the gc before and have a sensitivity?
Even if this were the case it really shouldn’t be allowed to affect your relationship with them.

I think a PP nailed it when they said this is a recipe for life being fixed around kids. I'm sure there are aspects that have added to this (the things I mentioned about being a single parent and anxious etc, and if sleeping has been an issue) But I also think this is part of my sister's personality, that having to fit things around a child sort of suits her and her parenting style if you see what I mean. Which is why I think it feels different to the friends who have had kids, who in general are a bit more laid back (and I mean the way both they and sis were before kids) And its also the reason why I think I need to do something about my relationship with parents, because if it's not naps soon it'll be about school pick up times or homework routines or weekend classes....

I know sleep routines is a very emotive subject which is why I haven't said anything earlier, and let's be honest it's hardly been a huge inconvenience for me, but it was fine as a temporary arrangement yet can't become a long term one.

I'm going to start by thinking of something I can do with parents that's near to them, so that could be a reason for them to accept meeting up that isn't joint. I can understand when they come to town it could feel odd for them meeting one and not the other (though the overlapping is a good idea too)

I get the nap requirement all mine loved their naps n I loved the downtime r time to catch up on house stuff. But for occasions like family meet up I'd always flex. Either they'd sleep in the car or buggy luckily they'd do that) r I'd put them down for nap earlier or later. Especially at 3.5!! Sure she must be nearly done with naps by now.

Re how our parents are towards us, it's just down to circumstances I think.
While I'm the younger one I've always been a bit more confident, dsis was a bit of a homebody and quite traditional, wanting to settle down and start a family quite young (by today's standards at least) So it was understandable everyone rallied round when her ex legged it, it really shook her and she's struggled with it. I know we're a blended family but I don't think she ever expected that for herself and it's not the happy ever after she assumed she'd have. So our parents were doing their best to be supportive and I didn't see any issue with that, if I needed help they would help me, I've just been fortunate that circumstances would mean they haven't needed to very much!

think a PP nailed it when they said this is a recipe for life being fixed around kids.

With children those ages - I was nap obsessed!

Now, with a 9 and 6 year old I am so different to the mother I was at those ages, when so many are tired, and a bit highly strung and very child centric. Totally normal and not an indicator for future parenting

Your sister is precious and a bit of a control freak but there’s nothing you can do to change that. Leave her to it. My sister was the same with her 2. They had to nap at exactly the same time every day. They couldn’t nap anywhere but bed not a cot, not in pram/buggy or in a car seat. She also lay beside them until they went to sleep. I found it very unusual. And at 3 and a half you would expect a bit more flexibility. She also went to bed with them every night and sneaked back out of the room when they got to sleep. Weird!!!

I’m live and let live on the nap thing, but I think your DPs are misguided to think it’s a good idea not to try and develop separate relationships with each of their DC.

It seems really strange that you have to be there every time they see her, and vice verse. If it suits them to combbbe you both on one trip, couldn’t they do brunch with her and maybe a matinee and supper with you, for example?

Would you be gutted if they met her without you one time, then another time had a grownups only day out with you?

I love when my whole family (4DC, 8DGC) get together, but that’s partly because we all have individual relationships too.

With dd I did follow the napping routine otherwise I had a very cranky child. She dropped naps by the age of your dn so bedtime moved forward. Afternoons from about 4.30 for an hour or so then became the witching hour when she was very tired and short tempered.

I think your sister is bonkers to not plan anything in the afternoon. It is possible to take her child home if they’re tired. This level of rigidity i can imagine being very annoying. I do, however, think your parents are also an issue.

I think the issue is more your parents

I’d say no to mornings, there’s no reason they can’t come to you or DS for a Chinese, or meetate afternoon, nap or no nap, DS then has a choice if she wants to attend

You are all being dictated to by a child who should’ve outgrown naps, mine didn’t after ages 2, with the odd nap here and there.

Just start saying no.

What would happen if you popped over to their house of an evening? Would they turn you away?

She isn’t being unreasonable at all with the naps, all children are different, some can simply not be flexible, yabu not understanding that. She is being unreasonable expecting people to work around her though

I have a son and absolutely have no time for parents like this. Ridiculous! At 3.5 too!!!

3.5 is pretty old for a lunchtime nap!

I'm not sure why events can't be arranged for an afternoon, she can leave for actual bedtime.

You might find she is a bit more flexible with no2 as you have to be. They have to fit in with the older child more anyway

Missing the point completely, but your sister has a child aged three and a half who still naps during the day?

Lucky, lucky, lucky woman.

Mind both gave up daytime napping the month before they turned 2. Bastards

Agree grumpy. I had a neighbour who asked the health visitor to change appointment because it was feeding time for the baby. Btw baby was bottlefed. I thought she was joking. No!!!

I think your parents are actually the unreasonable ones not allowing you solo meetups with them in case your adult sister's ickle feelings get hurt. 🙄 You're not children, geez.

She is being precious about naps though.

YANBU - but I'm not sure she is either, well maybe not intentionally to piss anyone off just to make her life easier and her toddler happy. I am one of the dreaded nap obsessed parents 😬 - I'm used to the eyeroll of the flexible babies' parents and I totally get it. I wish things weren't this way and I'm hoping things become more flexible in time.

My DD (just turned 2) was an awful sleeper for the first 12 months (colic, cluster feeding and only fell to sleep if rocked 😩) it was a tough time and then suddenly things just clicked. She started to self-sooth and sleep in her own cot and we could finally establish a proper routine - which we'd been trying for a while to do. The routine is still working and she naps on average 1.30pm-3.30pm everyday. I cherish this 'free' time (I work 3 days a week but DM and DMIL care for her on those days at my house and also continue with the routine). I am guilty of arranging things around the nap times because she, and in turn me are much happier when she sticks to the routine. I know some of my friends think it's madness, being so rigid - but the alternative is a cranky kid that I have to deal with, so unless I have to, I won't choose to alter it. I also enjoy the odd afternoon nap myself

I’m torn because my first was an absolute horrendous sleeper so nap times had to be regimented. It’s the only thing that kept us sane, and the only way she got enough sleep, because of this I bet we came across as bizarrely religious but it was needed,