Is my sis being a bit precious about naptime or AIBU?

[Toms0909]

Ok, so I'm prepared for a flaming on here, but I'm asking as I don't have kids of my own and I'm unsure whether I'm being a bit of a walkover or whether this is perfectly reasonable and one of those things that you'd only understand when you have them sort of thing.

Dsis (step-sister, not that it matters, though might help to know she's older and a bit of an age gap). Has a 3 and a half yr old + baby on the way. Was a single parent initially as the dad went AWOL when she was pregnant, so been through some tough times. Now in a relationship with a lovely guy, hence baby number 2.

So here's the AIBU. DN has a lunchtime nap. Lunchtime nap can only be at home. Needs settling time before nap. So any meet ups have to be first thing, as 11am/11.30 is about the cut off. Now when dsis first had the baby, parents (who are over an hour away, as we both moved to our nearest city) made a point of always arranging meet ups which were baby friendly, so that dsis didn't feel excluded, which I understood. This has just naturally continued.

Im not a raging party animal, but for a while now I've found it a bit tiresome that any family get togethers have to be planned for first thing in the morning. Dsis doesn't like to plan anything for later in the day in case DN doesn't sleep well and so might be cranky, or might be sleeping later than planned and they'd be rushing. Because parents live a bit of a distance we can't do and hoc on the day, so it's always mornings.

I'd been prepared to grin and bear it, but then it occured to me that with baby no 2 on the way it's going to get a lot more restricted, even if she's blessed with another easy sleeper it's going to be another 3-4yrs of breakfast meet ups.

I've got a couple of friends who have children and while socialising is obv less spontaneous than it was before kids, I don't remember it ever needing to be quite so timetabled as this. I get that children can be massively different re how well they sleep/don't sleep, so this might be part of it. Also dsis was a very anxious new parent, which is entirely understandable for a FTP but especially for one who is unexpectedly going it alone. But I also remember that before kids dsis was quietly assertive - not demanding, but in MN style 'that will/won't work for me' so things often did end up in a way that would accommodate them best (eg things like going to venues that suited her taste/budget/preferred location).

I know that dsis is not going to change her parenting because it doesn't suit me. But AIBU if I start asking parents to meet up outside of baby friendly times? It's difficult because they're reluctant to show favouritism. But the alternative is my relationship with them suffers because I just can't tolerate another brunch!

3.5 is pretty old for a lunchtime nap!

I'm glad you bought this up OP as I have friend whose 3 year old has to go down at 12.30 and doesn't wake until around 5pm. Then they have tea, bath and bed around 6.30pm although they do wake around 6.30am. So we are sometimes invited for a very early lunch, but then that's it for the rest of the day. Ok so mine are mid-teens but I am sure I don't remember them sleeping most of the day, and being prepared to sleep for most of the rest of it!!

Also that was meant to be a wink at the end being of my post not a bottle of gin!! 😂

I have two children and was always really flexible with naps etc. I never let their naps rule our life. Worked well for us.

3.5 is a tad old to be having a “settled nap” my 3.5 yr old only falls asleep in the car if we’re driving long distances. I think she’ll find her life will soon get quite boring, lonesome if she has to stay home for naps all day!! I had friends like this and it was quite annoying at times. They couldn’t understand how mine would sleep anywhere. I know they are all different but you reap what you sow in a sense

@DishingOutDone no way!! 12.30-5 that’s insane!!

Just book somewhere for lunch, tell your Sister you are treating mum and dad, if she wants to come she can, that you will still be around after nap time, and let you know if she wants to come back out...

This winds me up too. I've got both types of parents in my friendship group.

The ones who have been very rigid have been the more anxious parents if I'm honest and the ones who prior to having children were already quite controlling and enjoy structure.

I gravitate to the more chilled friends which might not be fair but they're more fun to be around. We still go to restaurants and pubs for lunch and dinner but the kids come too. We go camping and away for weekends. The kids are very sociable, chilled and as babies and toddlers they learned to nap wherever they were. Much more fun to be around.

Some of that may well have been luck but not all of it surely?

I think a PP nailed it when they said this is a recipe for life being fixed around kids. I'm sure there are aspects that have added to this (the things I mentioned about being a single parent and anxious etc, and if sleeping has been an issue) But I also think this is part of my sister's personality, that having to fit things around a child sort of suits her and her parenting style if you see what I mean. Which is why I think it feels different to the friends who have had kids, who in general are a bit more laid back (and I mean the way both they and sis were before kids)

You just don't know whether this is true or not. You don't have sufficient information to make that call. I would definitely agree though that now is a good time to address the situation with your parents.

I actually don't think this is your sister but more your parents. There no reason why your parents couldn't see your DS in the morning and then a nap time come and see you. And yes you could all go for an early dinner at a child friendly place.

I was very anal about DD1 naps but that was because if she didn't get enough sleep during the day she woke every hour during the night. My other 2 children didn't seem to need such structure around sleep, they just woke up at 5am every day

I think this is more about the dynamic in your family than the naps tbh. I have a younger DSis who had DC before me so her youngest DC is 5 years younger than than my DC. I spent years fitting round her various parenting requirements and being told I couldn't understand. When my DC came along she was very grumpy about accommodating naps, bedtimes, potty training etc e.g. the exact same things. It wasn't about the DC but that my DSis (and my DP) sees herself as the one everyone else should fit round. I'd just please yourself if I were you. You can't reason with this sort of stuff.

That didn't make sense. I meant my sister's youngest is 5 years older than my DC.

Oh God, this is the antithesis of a relaxed parent like myself. I honestly can't be around people like your sister; the rigidity, and child centred everything, and expecting others to dance to their tune. Plus they often end up with inflexible kids who lose it when their routine's out of whack. It's so dull.
YANBU (if you couldn't already tell!).

I actually don’t think your sister is unreasonable. My eldest had to sleep in hos own cot from 12.30 till 3 everyday. He was an appalling sleeper and also an absolute nightmare if he didn’t sleep and he would sleep anywhere else, even in a car or buggy. I had NO choice but to be that rigid and I did it for 3.5 years. We could never take him out in the evenings, we couldn’t go out to restaurants on holiday but it was the ONLY way he would sleep and it really wasn’t worth disrupting him as he was then beyond vile.

My second and third were totally different especially the third who just fell asleep whenever he was tired regardless of what was going on around him. Unless you’ve had a child like that you have no clue

Well if her next baby happens to be like my first, who would wake at 7 am then want to nap from 9 am till 1 pm, or like my third, who would sleep until 1pm till 4 pm, she is going to be so messed up!

I was given a wonderful piece of advice with my first, from a fabulous HV in that, babies need a routine, but that routine has to suit the Mum, not the other way round.

Luckily, my babies did suit me and my life at the time!

If i hadn't, we would have had to change it. She may have to with her next one.

If he's 3.5 and summer born he'll be going to school this sept won't he?

Fair enough if she wants to be that rigid but not to impose it. Why can't your parents meet her for brunch and later you for dinner?

Dsis has said before that DN is a poor sleeper so I'd never questioned it before, she does what she needs to do. The precious bit I suppose was more about a) it still going on at this age, which I thought seemed late but wasn't sure, and b) the refusal to consider afternoons which feels very rigid.

I understand that it might seem odd about the dynamic re meeting together, I think it's just with us both moving to the city, it was natural when parents come to town that we met up together. If there hadn't been the issue of her being on her own and a bit down when DN was first born I don't think we would have cut out the grown up restaurants and the drinks, but at the time it seemed like a fair thing to do (and given id just go to those places with friends, it was hardly a great sacrifice)

I will speak to parents, and encourage them that dsis is thick skinned enough to cope with knowing we've gone for a boozy meal.
And I'll still hope that in time, dsis might relax a little but will live with it if she doesn't!

She may just need a nap. I have a 2.5 year old and he is a total monster without his 2 hour nap. He will cry and lay on the floor screaming and be inconsolable, not fit to leave the house at all and it will also screw up his night time sleeping. I will be centreing my days around his and DC2's naps for as long as I need to, I'm not going to make them miserable just because I fancy going out, it's not fair (on them or the members of the public who will come across them) and it's not forever.

I have a friend whose daughter is slightly younger than my child, she doesn't nap and is like the duracell bunny all day.

Children are just different.

Oh, I do go out in the afternoons, forgot to add that bit. It's only 13.00-15.00 that I am confined to the house.

3.5 is very very late to still be napping. He will be at school soon. September possibly depending on when he’s 4.

On the immediate matter why not suggest morning visit to park with playground then when they go home for nap do nice lunch with parents

I have 2 soon to be 3 kids and they napped in prams or baby carriers. We went out as normal to toddlers, shops, lunches etc.

I really don’t understand why nap times need scheduled as once you have more than one child and have nursery runs etc they just have to fit into your day. I wouldn’t have thought a 3.5 year old should still be napping that long unless they have health issues as they will be going to school in just over a year so need to learn to do without it. My 2.5 year old rarely naps but if he does it’s 20 minutes but he is in bed asleep from 7.30.

I never bothered much with people who expect plans to constantly fit around there kids nap times. I didn't plan my day around my own kids nap times so definitely wouldn’t do it around other people.

Its missing the point but I'm surprised she's having baby with someone whom she wouldn't trust to babysit for her 3yo

Neither of you are being unreasonable. You should be able to see your parents at times that suit you and them, but your sister is not unreasonable to stick to times that suit her and her child.

And having a child that naps on a very tight schedule is not always due to the way you parent. I have two children and one was very flexible about sleep, no schedule or anything, and the other was very strict, at one point if I missed the nap/meal/bedtime by so much as 5 minutes he'd be a screaming mess (thankfully he's mellowed out a bit now but I still have to be careful about naps otherwise life is very unpleasant!) - I parented the same but children are different and have different needs.

3.5 isn't too old to be napping anyway, where I am children take an afternoon nap until 5 or 6 years old.

God aren’t people judgy. There’s nothing wrong with a child napping at 3 and a half. Perfectly within normal range. Mine stopped before 2 (sadly) so I’m not being defensive. I have several friends whose kids still nap at 3-4 and a quick google on all the regular baby sites will tell you this is fine. As long as it’s not interfering with nighttime sleep then it’s all good.

I thought I'd be a relaxed parent but then I had a DC who absolutely thrives on routine and goes a bit bonkers if you deviate from it. Whether this is the case with your DN or not, who can say, but this is just for all the 'my child fits round me' posters
Some children just... don't.