PIL want us to live with them

[Rosesaredead]

In their house. Where they live. With GrandPIL too. In India.

DH and I live in the UK where I am from and where we met while he was studying here. We are happy here. We both have jobs here. We have two children who are settled here. We simply don't want to move to India.

But it is the traditional for the son to live with his parents and they are increasingly putting pressure on us to move in. We have repeatedly told them no and at first it will seem like they've taken it on board, until the next phone call when they change their mind again and bring it up again.

We just don't understand how they don't understand! Uprooting 2 children, 2 dogs, leaving our jobs, and going to live with 4 other adults (and very often SIL and her DD who stay over at least every other week for the full week - so often there'd literally be 10 of us under one roof).

They think we should be desperate to live there because MIL and grandMIL would basically take on responsibility for our children (traditionally) and they think that this is great for us as we won't have to pay for childcare. But I LOVE looking after my kids, and I don't WANT someone else to cook for them, feed them, dress them, wash them, decide when and where they go etc. When we go and visit I have to demand to spend time with the DC and it makes me miss them so much and that's only for a few weeks! So I couldn't imagine living like that.

In India MIL spends all day working hard around the house and grandMIL does literally ALL the cooking. If they'd also insist on taking care of my kids I would have nothing to do all day. I couldn't legally work for the first year, and even when I could legally work, I've looked at jobs for mine and DHs fields and if I worked full time I'd earn around £200 a month. DH would earn around £400. As the son, my husband and I would be expected to pay for everything - food, clothes, medicine, everything - for everyone in the house too. So supporting 10 people on £600 a month -even in India this isn't a lot of money. We would never be able to go on holiday again. Our children's education would suffer. We couldn't eat out or go on fun days out or have treats like we can now. It would be really rude if we didn't treat SILs DD as our own, apparently, so we'd never be able to buy anything for our children without buying the same for hers, never be able to take them on days our without taking her DD too. I love spending time with DN and treating her when we visit, but this is just another thing we couldn't afford.

I can't drive in India. The roads are really dangerous and really scary. So I can't go out without DH. As a woman I don't feel respected. If I go to a restaurant, for example, the waiter greets my DH but won't even look at me - he will look at my DH to order for all of us, I won't be acknowledged. I know things like this arent terribly important in the grand scheme of things, but they do upset me.

Oh I don't even know why I'm explaining all of this as I'm sure you all see that the idea of quitting good jobs and uprooting an entire family to go and live on the other side of the world where our quality of life would be much lower, is ridiculous! But my PIL can't. DH is really upset a lot of the time because he keeps having arguments with them about it, or they just emotionally blackmail him and make him feel awful about it. PIL at actually lovely other than this, and in a way it's nice that they're so desperate for us to be close to them. But their constant pressuring is causing so much tension. We have explained time and time again that we won't be moving and they just won't take no for an answer! The other day MIL acted like she understood and we thought all was well, and then the next day she phoned crying that we wouldn't fly back to India for a small local festival that they're having soon. She also phones us upset every time SIL goes home with her DD and tells us how empty the house is and how sad she is.

WWYD about this? This has to stop because it's really making DH sad and making me uncomfortable, but nothing we have said so far has stopped them bringing it up.

[DaiStation]

Ah shit. My husband is from a similar culture, sucks balls doesn't it. I feel guilty when they bring up us living there all the time too. But you are doing the right thing to say no, I think. The UK isn't perfect by a long stretch but aside from the issues you mention which are all clearly valid, living in India as a woman is not fun. If you have daughters it'd also limit their freedoms and yoy'd be worrying about their safety, and if you have sons it'd be an uphill struggle against them internalising toxic masculinity. This is the main thing that stops us moving tbh. Is there any way you could split the time you spend with the family so you have a relaxing holiday somewhere else in India as well? We do this to break up concentrated family time

[Mincingfuckdragon]

OP, I know this isn't the main issue you have but you mentioned the rigmarole of driving all over the place to visit people and how exhausting it is. I am in a very similar situation and after spending 15 hours on a plane then 6 consecutive 12 to 15 hour days visiting everyone with my then-10 week old child I put my foot down. Now every time we go we throw a big party (catered food, buy in lots of drinks and mixers) at the parents house and invite all and sundry for the evening. They are well fed and watered and we see everyone at once so we don't have to rush around so much. We do still visit anyone who is elderly or infirm. Then when the inevitable "oh, come for dinner while you're here" demands/invitations come in, we use visiting the elderly/infirm as an excuse for having no time so we look extra dutiful (and people seem to respect this as a reason for not being able to visit them). We also usually do an afternoon at one of the big hotels which has a pool and everyone brings their kids and swims.
We order snacks and drinks and do nothing other than pay the bill. Might something like this work for you?

[PragmaticWench]

Mincing's suggestions could help you twofold. Firstly in making your visits more bearable. Secondly these arrangements, and you paying for them, would give your PIL something to boast about to their friends and wider family, it would show people how well your DH is doing financially.

[Holidayshopping]

I would book a long holiday on the beach this summer-just for you!

[sunshinemode]

I don’t understand why people keep talking about the PIL wanting money, this shows a complete lack of cultural awareness.
Of course you don’t have to go and live with them in India but of course they will continue to ask. They want their house full of grand children. That’s the way. Again as for the idea of family that is just how it is. We can’t imagine living with all those people but they can’t imagine us all living alone in our separate houses. They are being polite not leaving you alone.
It’s just the same with my in laws when I visit Bangladesh

[oblada]

I just have to say that whilst it is cultural they also are a bit bonkers. DH is from India and no way would my MIL subject us to this. Yes in an ideal world she would have expected him to stay living with her and bring up his family there but she understands it's not going to happen. We visit every 2 yrs and MIL comes every year for 2months at the moment. It works for us. I couldn't be using all my annual leave for a trip to India thats madness! I sympathise OP but you and your DH need to start living for yourselves, not his family!

[WiddlinDiddlin]

I think its pretty hard being the one that breaks tradition, but your DH needs to be the one who makes it crystal clear it is NOT happening.

I get it, and I have a little sympathy for the family in India too as its not just MIL/FIL saying 'oh come and live here' it will be all the distant relations and friends saying 'ooh but why doesn't your son live here and look after you' and all that social pressure to stick with tradition and do what is expected.

Not everyone has the strength to buck the trend, nor wants to..

But they really SHOULD listen to their son when he says it isn't happening.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

@Rosesaredead in your original posts you put a great deal of detail into why you don't want to move to India. You don't need to explain - you don't want to go and that is enough.

That said, I can see why you're trying to explain to your your PILs why your lives are different to the life the PILs had envisaged for their child. There sounds like an awful lot of keeping up with the Joneses, and wanting to show off their child to their acquaintances, and demanding that their children dance to their tune.

And, much as I think India is an amazing country, I can absolutely understand why you're saying you don't want to live there.

Is writing your PILs a letter an option? Set it all out in clear and unemotional language, acknowledge their point of view but explain why it isn't for you (but don't stray into apologising for your standpoint). Make it clear that this is your last communication on the matter and you don't want it discussed, raised or alluded to again.

[jinglet]

So they want to give their own lives a new meaning by taking on new roles- looking after the DC, etc. by getting you and your DH to lose yours?! No bloody way. And I say that as an Asian person with family in that part of the world. Asian parents, sadly, use their sons as retirement plans. Even though your ILs are fabulously wealthy, they'd sit on that fortune to spite their neighbours/relatives and get you and your DH to fund them. Don't do it. Be firm when the topic next arises and follow up on your threats so they know you're serious and won't cave to emotional blackmail- something Asian parents are very good at.

[gamesanddaisychains]

@DingDongDenny

I agree, that's what I would do too.

[gamesanddaisychains]

Unless you have your own company or are self employed, you are fortunate (or not!)) that you can take all your annual leave in one go. One of my friends 9 years ago had to resign her job so that she could visit her mother for 4 weeks in one year only, she had been working at the company for years. But that's not the point.. I would refuse to discuss it further with your PILs, I would also make it clear to your DH that when you married him he assured you that he wanted to make a life in the UK and you are not going to change your mind. He needs to make this clear to his parents. Something about the way you express yourself makes me wonder if you will be caught up in all this guilt and end up moving to their home where you will be very unhappy and have no say in your own children's upbringing or even your own life. I would be disappointed if my husband took me to a country for weeks, where I couldnt understand the language, and then left me to get on with it while he was mostly out with his family. While he is there it seems he is confirming that he still follows the culture and you come second best.. If you have any doubts at all, and if he does visit his family alone in the future do not allow him to take the children. How does your own family feel about this?