PIL want us to live with them

[Rosesaredead]

In their house. Where they live. With GrandPIL too. In India.

DH and I live in the UK where I am from and where we met while he was studying here. We are happy here. We both have jobs here. We have two children who are settled here. We simply don't want to move to India.

But it is the traditional for the son to live with his parents and they are increasingly putting pressure on us to move in. We have repeatedly told them no and at first it will seem like they've taken it on board, until the next phone call when they change their mind again and bring it up again.

We just don't understand how they don't understand! Uprooting 2 children, 2 dogs, leaving our jobs, and going to live with 4 other adults (and very often SIL and her DD who stay over at least every other week for the full week - so often there'd literally be 10 of us under one roof).

They think we should be desperate to live there because MIL and grandMIL would basically take on responsibility for our children (traditionally) and they think that this is great for us as we won't have to pay for childcare. But I LOVE looking after my kids, and I don't WANT someone else to cook for them, feed them, dress them, wash them, decide when and where they go etc. When we go and visit I have to demand to spend time with the DC and it makes me miss them so much and that's only for a few weeks! So I couldn't imagine living like that.

In India MIL spends all day working hard around the house and grandMIL does literally ALL the cooking. If they'd also insist on taking care of my kids I would have nothing to do all day. I couldn't legally work for the first year, and even when I could legally work, I've looked at jobs for mine and DHs fields and if I worked full time I'd earn around £200 a month. DH would earn around £400. As the son, my husband and I would be expected to pay for everything - food, clothes, medicine, everything - for everyone in the house too. So supporting 10 people on £600 a month -even in India this isn't a lot of money. We would never be able to go on holiday again. Our children's education would suffer. We couldn't eat out or go on fun days out or have treats like we can now. It would be really rude if we didn't treat SILs DD as our own, apparently, so we'd never be able to buy anything for our children without buying the same for hers, never be able to take them on days our without taking her DD too. I love spending time with DN and treating her when we visit, but this is just another thing we couldn't afford.

I can't drive in India. The roads are really dangerous and really scary. So I can't go out without DH. As a woman I don't feel respected. If I go to a restaurant, for example, the waiter greets my DH but won't even look at me - he will look at my DH to order for all of us, I won't be acknowledged. I know things like this arent terribly important in the grand scheme of things, but they do upset me.

Oh I don't even know why I'm explaining all of this as I'm sure you all see that the idea of quitting good jobs and uprooting an entire family to go and live on the other side of the world where our quality of life would be much lower, is ridiculous! But my PIL can't. DH is really upset a lot of the time because he keeps having arguments with them about it, or they just emotionally blackmail him and make him feel awful about it. PIL at actually lovely other than this, and in a way it's nice that they're so desperate for us to be close to them. But their constant pressuring is causing so much tension. We have explained time and time again that we won't be moving and they just won't take no for an answer! The other day MIL acted like she understood and we thought all was well, and then the next day she phoned crying that we wouldn't fly back to India for a small local festival that they're having soon. She also phones us upset every time SIL goes home with her DD and tells us how empty the house is and how sad she is.

WWYD about this? This has to stop because it's really making DH sad and making me uncomfortable, but nothing we have said so far has stopped them bringing it up.

[Mummyontherocks]

I'm not sure, from what you've said, what their real need is. It seems like it's either that they want more company or that they are concerned with what people think of them. If you can find another way to meet their real need then they might leave you alone. For example encouraging them hosting students etc, in order to have more people in their home or giving them something they can 'brag' about without you being there. Something that improves their status that isn't moving in with them.

[DeeCeeCherry]

No matter what most people are saying - This isnt just the OPs decision and the fact her Husband is miserable instead of just saying No, is very telling. They are his parents and hes the one who could cave in to cultural expectations. He doesnt sound on board with No to me, even if OP is.

[Fiveredbricks]

"No, that doesn't work for us."

End of. I know there is a cultural aspect at play here OP... But just no. Fucking no.

The cultural bullshit has to end in this generation.

[Canuckduck]

When one half of your family lives abroad I think it’s normal that many of your ‘family’ holidays either include hosting or visiting. It is in our experience at least. Its very hard to balance everyone’s needs; you want to spend time with that side of the family and keep up those connections but it means that you never get to do entirely what you’d like to do as a family. As time goes on I find the needs of my children and my aging in laws getting farther apart.

In terms of moving you just have to keep the ‘no’ on repeat as it’s clearly not the right decision for your family / children.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

the fact her Husband is miserable instead of just saying No, is very telling

You might want to read OP's posts again ... the DH IS saying no but is apparently miserable because, instead of respecting him enough to listen, the family just keep on and on

It's not even as if he gave them a false impression about going back; OP told us he'd been clear right from the start that it simply wouldn't happen

[Sweetpea55]

OMG what a nightmare situation

I'm really glad that your DH has the same view as you over all this.
It may be their culture but its not yours and its pretty shit anyway. Hell would freeze over before I would get flim flammed into doing something like this. Stick it your guns girlie

[Tubs11]

Feel for ya. Does that mean you'll be expected to look after your grandkids when the time comes? Why anyone in retirement years would choose to do that is beyond me. Sure you want involvement with grandkids but not to that extreme, there's shuffle board and wine to be drinking. My PIL is a bit like this and it's down to pure loneliness and living for their kids/grandkids. It's never going to happen although I like them it's just a bad idea. People become stuck in their ways (myself included) and it inevitably ends up in arguements and tense environment and I've no intention of putting my kids through that.

[TheCaddy]

Someone posted first page one final conversation with them. if they bring it up again hang up and repeat.

[LovelyIssues]

I would just be completely honest with them and say thank you so much for the offer but we are happy and settled here and will be turning the offer down

[FelixTitling]

Echoing pp to say that you need to stop engaging with this, and possibly them too.

[nuxe1984]

I do feel sorry for you. This must be causing you an awful lot of stress.
I would just keep saying no. And every time they start talking about it, cut the conversation short, say I'm sorry but we don't want to discuss that as we've already given you our answer - and put the phone down if they keep on.
And maybe distance yourself from them for a while. Not visit so often. tell them you won't be coming if they keeping pressurising you to do something that, as a family isn't right for you and isn't what you want to do.

You're going to have to be VERY strong here and it's good that your DH is on board with this as he'll be feeling guilty about letting the family down. BUT … what they are expecting you to do is give up your culture. As you have realised life would be very different if you moved to India. Not only that but you would, effectively, end up looking after the relatives as they got older.

You say this isn't important in the grand scheme of things but it is! You can't be expected to give up your independence, your rights as a female. Your husband has decided to marry outside his culture and live with you in your country. You are bringing your children up as UK citizens not India citizens - you don't say whether they are boys or girls but do you really want any sons brought up with the attitude that women are subservient or girls brought up as second class citizens?

Please fight this as hard as you can.

[OVienna]

I hate to say it OP but as a previous poster said, did you not see this coming? Cultural differences like this are a nightmare if you aren't on the same page from the beginning, and the parents are not just going to "let it go". It is a very common thing - not necessarily universal but very common- with families from this culture to have a lifestyle such as the one your inlaws want and the stress and expectation on your DH will be high, as you have seen.

I think it's important to find him some support - I would actually suggest some counselling together with a therapist who has some experience in cross cultural relationships to discuss how to manage the situation together as couple. I think you also need to know if he feels that at some point he would want to go back. It would be a total non-starter for me, I don't blame you at all, but he may come to behave more ambivalently about it if he isn't coping with his parents' demands.

I think if you aren't from a culture where this occurs or have parents abroad it's really very hard to imagine the mental strain. I have friends who have been in this situation with regard to family in this region but also I am in a cross cultural relationship myself. Two of my closest friends, the same. It's one thing if you are from the US and the UK or two different European countries and a whole other ballgame if you overlay a western/Emerging market, with a dash of patriarchal expectations, into the mix. A lot of the advice on here "No is a complete sentence, rinse and repeat" is easier said than adhered to.

You may end up having to cut them off to make your point - I do agree with that. But there will be consequences for your DH, so think through that.

[Alleycat1]

No, no a thousand times no!!! The daughter-in-law is the skivvy for the whole family and is expected to obey the MIL as a friend of mine found to her cost. Don't move to India, as a woman you would always be a second class citizen.

[downcasteyes]

Everything in the universe is screaming 'NO' to this.

I don't know how you get that message across, but I don't know whether you need to. You've told them 'NO'. They are refusing to listen. Any upset is really on them at this point. All you can do is to repeat it and change the subject.

[MaybeDoctor]

No. No. No way. It would be like the end of A Handful of Dust, but with never-ending housework rather than Dickens...

I think that you need to be very firm and set out your stall in the female power structure. You are his wife and the mother of his children. You must stay in England so that your children can become doctors and/or make good marriages.

[urkidding]

This 'expectation' of culture is absolutely untrue. There are lots of Indian sons who don't live with their parents and often send money if there is a need. Basically, it seems to me that the father wants his son to look after and inherit his business or properties because he is getting old.
If he doesn't want to do so, he should say so clearly. And maybe other people in the family will take on the role and inherit the business. The parents probably spent a fortune on his education with this expectation.

[Nearly47]

Just say no, no, no, no... You would lose your freedom. Who wants to live in your parents house unless you are in dire need.? I know that the cultural differences but you seem to prefer the UK way. So just repeat no and maybe tell them if they keep insisting you stop calling and or visiting.

[MyLadyDeadlock]

Yanbu, absolutely no fucking way! I guess this must be a big issue with marrying someone from a different culture and their traditions and expectations. Your dh must assert his wishes.

[Susanna30]

Absolutely not. There is no positive to living there, it all sounds bad.
And I've been to India a couple of times with family. Interesting to visit but to live there would be a completely different ball game..

[pollymere]

I had a similar issue with DH family wanting us to move. They've sort of realised now that we're rooted here with dd at school rated one of the best in the country. Oddly SIL made the move but came back when her DH couldn't get a decent job and they found it impossible financially. And there's been no expectation of us paying for them. You just have to be firm and get used to them asking. We get asked less than we used to. School, healthcare, road safety you already have good reasons to say no and culturally you're rooted here, not in India.

[pollymere]

Oh, and when we've visited there, I'm treated like a second class citizen...

[Coronapop]

I think you need to say 'No' and stop explaining why. Just say no, change the subject, and refuse to discuss it. If they persist reduce phone calls (number/length) or stop answering their calls except when you have the energy to say no repeatedly.

[vincettenoir]

This might be the right time to have that beach holiday in Europe you’ve never had before. It would send the message that you’re not open to manipulation and you know your own minds.

[nobblynuts]

If I were you I would write a letter. Given that you're not speaking anyway it would be a good way to explain once and for all the reasons why you won't be going along with their plan. You can explain in the letter that if they continue to mention it, you won't be having further contact with them.

[Palaver1]

Its not an expectation of any culture
Most extended families want tgere children to earn and send the money too them abroad your not going and your husband better know his place

This wasn't agreed you will never survive in that traditional setting.
If you want to see another side to your husband pack up and go
I can tell you a lot..
No is no