PIL want us to live with them

[Rosesaredead]

In their house. Where they live. With GrandPIL too. In India.

DH and I live in the UK where I am from and where we met while he was studying here. We are happy here. We both have jobs here. We have two children who are settled here. We simply don't want to move to India.

But it is the traditional for the son to live with his parents and they are increasingly putting pressure on us to move in. We have repeatedly told them no and at first it will seem like they've taken it on board, until the next phone call when they change their mind again and bring it up again.

We just don't understand how they don't understand! Uprooting 2 children, 2 dogs, leaving our jobs, and going to live with 4 other adults (and very often SIL and her DD who stay over at least every other week for the full week - so often there'd literally be 10 of us under one roof).

They think we should be desperate to live there because MIL and grandMIL would basically take on responsibility for our children (traditionally) and they think that this is great for us as we won't have to pay for childcare. But I LOVE looking after my kids, and I don't WANT someone else to cook for them, feed them, dress them, wash them, decide when and where they go etc. When we go and visit I have to demand to spend time with the DC and it makes me miss them so much and that's only for a few weeks! So I couldn't imagine living like that.

In India MIL spends all day working hard around the house and grandMIL does literally ALL the cooking. If they'd also insist on taking care of my kids I would have nothing to do all day. I couldn't legally work for the first year, and even when I could legally work, I've looked at jobs for mine and DHs fields and if I worked full time I'd earn around £200 a month. DH would earn around £400. As the son, my husband and I would be expected to pay for everything - food, clothes, medicine, everything - for everyone in the house too. So supporting 10 people on £600 a month -even in India this isn't a lot of money. We would never be able to go on holiday again. Our children's education would suffer. We couldn't eat out or go on fun days out or have treats like we can now. It would be really rude if we didn't treat SILs DD as our own, apparently, so we'd never be able to buy anything for our children without buying the same for hers, never be able to take them on days our without taking her DD too. I love spending time with DN and treating her when we visit, but this is just another thing we couldn't afford.

I can't drive in India. The roads are really dangerous and really scary. So I can't go out without DH. As a woman I don't feel respected. If I go to a restaurant, for example, the waiter greets my DH but won't even look at me - he will look at my DH to order for all of us, I won't be acknowledged. I know things like this arent terribly important in the grand scheme of things, but they do upset me.

Oh I don't even know why I'm explaining all of this as I'm sure you all see that the idea of quitting good jobs and uprooting an entire family to go and live on the other side of the world where our quality of life would be much lower, is ridiculous! But my PIL can't. DH is really upset a lot of the time because he keeps having arguments with them about it, or they just emotionally blackmail him and make him feel awful about it. PIL at actually lovely other than this, and in a way it's nice that they're so desperate for us to be close to them. But their constant pressuring is causing so much tension. We have explained time and time again that we won't be moving and they just won't take no for an answer! The other day MIL acted like she understood and we thought all was well, and then the next day she phoned crying that we wouldn't fly back to India for a small local festival that they're having soon. She also phones us upset every time SIL goes home with her DD and tells us how empty the house is and how sad she is.

WWYD about this? This has to stop because it's really making DH sad and making me uncomfortable, but nothing we have said so far has stopped them bringing it up.

[NaturatintGoldenChestnut]

As the son, my husband and I would be expected to pay for everything - food, clothes, medicine, everything - for everyone in the house too

Even though they are loaded? That's an outdated pisstake that needs to stop because you live in the UK now.

[Timewarpdancer]

This would be a definite no from me and at least your dh is n the same page you but I agree with lots of pp you need to take a firmer stance and tell them once and for all it’s a definite no and you will not discuss it anymore.
And book a holiday you want

[FizzyGreenWater]

I have to say too that simply by already allocating all holiday time and annual leave to them and their wishes, you've already sent out enough of a signal that you are deferential to their plans/wishes - I can see why they act this way.

Definitely, definitely time to book that holiday, and let them know that your lives here are not nothing, not simply marking time before India. You have a culture here, your children are FROM here, you will be going on holiday this year to the Canaries because you want to and India is not the automatic default!

[RosaWaiting]

OP I must be honest

I didn't even read all of your post.

the answer is just NO. My parents are from India.

the answer is just NO. that's all there is to it.

[RomanyQueen1]

There's nothing wrong with what they are asking as it's their culture. It isn't yours though and you just need to tell them this. I'd tell them to drop it or you'll reduce contact, and stick to it.
Go on a family holiday somewhere you want to go. Your kids aren't little for long, don't miss holidays with them for the ils.
Good luck and stick to your guns. x

[harajukubabe]

This seems to me about control. They don't need the money, they value the UK education system as they sent their son here.

It seems to be about fear of losing control of their only son. The heir.

Traditionally, the son is supposed to look after the parents in old age, not the daughters family. They seem to want some reassurance on what would happen to them I'm old age if the son doesn't return.

No advise as only you know the subtle ways in which you can talk with them. Just keep saying no!!

[JenniferJareau]

The thing is they will NEVER stop nagging you. To them they have absolutely no concept of why your dh wouldn't 'do his duty'. They simply won't get it. You need to take a proper family holiday and not visit India again for at least a few years.

A work colleague had this with her parents. However many times she said she didn't want marriage, they still kept on and on making enquiries and inviting the man and his family round to the house etc.

[DeeCeeCherry]

This is why when marrying into a culture and being aware of family traditions at the outset, you should have a full and frank conversation about it at that stage and decide whether that life is for you or not. Not much later down the line.

Its obviously affecting your marriage and happiness now isnt it, in particular your DH is sad. They are his parents.

Eventually your saying No may lead to resentment but you already know that.

Stick to your guns but have your eyes open regarding it may not be plain sailing on this matter. Some people find it very hard to break from culture and tradition. You are saying 'No' - Well, how strong is your DH's 'No' and can he really maintain that?

[Nowaytm]

When I worked in medical education, one of the Consultants there said his wife would never go back to their country of origin because of exactly the same cultural imperatives you mention in your posts OP. I also worked with someone from the Indian subcontinent and she was always complaining that she had to regularly cook for forty people on behalf of her MIL while SIL sat on her bum as she was higher up the cultural hierarchy.

Some of these cultural expectations and obligations are so deeply rooted OP and you could find life very difficult if you moved to India. Your husband moved here and chose to marry you. Hopefully he would support you in keeping your family here. I would feel I was doing my bit by having holidays there and hosting your ILs if they wanted to visit but that would be it. And I would certainly not be subsiding their lifestyle when they are not badly off themselves.

[AWishForWingsThatWork]

They're not 'lovely', OP. Lovely people don't behave in this manner. Lovely people understand boundaries, and they do not.

I would tell DH you want to go NC with them if they don't stop this behaviour immediately. And you will be taking a family vacation every year from now on, not just visiting his family where you are trapped and have to fight to spend time with your own children. Not happening again.

[TapasForTwo]

I agree with everyone else. Your husband just needs to say "don't keep asking me because the answer will always be no, end of."

And do take a family holiday.

[RosaWaiting]

PS you say this "I can't drive in India. The roads are really dangerous and really scary. So I can't go out without DH. As a woman I don't feel respected. If I go to a restaurant, for example, the waiter greets my DH but won't even look at me - he will look at my DH to order for all of us, I won't be acknowledged. I know things like this arent terribly important in the grand scheme of things, but they do upset me."

these things are MASSIVELY IMPORTANT. It's partly why my parents left India, I'm pleased to say. I don't even go because as a single woman, it's all such a PITA.

also, your ILs sound like the kind of people I wouldn't even mix with tbh - they basically tried to push your SIL into a marriage she didn't want?

toxic, terrible people.

[CommonFishDiseases]

Do you send them money regularly?

Sorry if you already answered.

[Nowaytm]

Oh and just to make clear, not all your annual leave, just when in suits you!

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

YANBU. I understand that what they're proposing might be typical in their culture, but they need to appreciate that their DS has married someone from outside that culture and has built a life for himself and his immediate family in the UK. Emotional blackmail is never acceptable. This is clearly causing you and your DH a great deal of stress.

Your DH needs to write or email (not phone, otherwise the waterworks and arguing will start again) something along the lines of:

" Dear Parents,

I know that you want us to move to India, you have made this very clear. I have repeatedly explained to you that this move is not going to happen and the reasons for this. Whether you agree with our reasons or not, they are not going to change. I am disappointed that instead of respecting my decision you persist in trying to change my mind every time we speak to one another.
I will not change my mind and I am not prepared to discuss the matter any further, it is simply too upsetting for everyone involved.

I love you very much so it pains me to say this but please do not contact me until you can accept that my decision on this matter is final."

They will be upset, of course. But it sounds as though everyone involved is perpetually upset now and something needs to change or you'll be stuck at this impasse.

[AlwaysCheddar]

I’d rather get divorced than even consider entertaining this idea.

[notapizzaeater]

What about your family or does that not count for anything ?

I'd tell them that if they keep asking you will hang up the phone each time and do it.

[Ellie56]

I wouldn't be moving to India either. It just wouldn't work and you would all become very very unhappy in a very short space of time.

I would tell them firmly it isn't ever going to happen because your life is here in the UK, and you are not going to uproot it for a totally different life style in another country, and if they mention it again you will hang up. Do that every time.

And stop spending all your free time there! Going to India is a family visit not a holiday. Go for two weeks there and then book a family holiday somewhere else too. You deserve to have a proper holiday and so do your children.

This is all about what happens in "their culture." What about yours and that of your DC?

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

I no longer go to see the inlaws when they visit BIL since all they do is loiter round the house while dinner is cooked. The thought of doing that for annual holidays of just seeing people while loitering round the house would make me homicidal. No more relative holidays and some proper holidays or there is a risk there will be no marriage.

[BasilTheGreat]

My husband is of Indian origin and his family is not at all like this. They’re very modern and highly educated, the women as well. My FIL would never dream of imposing himself upon us. My FIL did move to our country but lives independently about 10 miles from us.

[HermioneWeasley]

If he doesn’t step up and put his foot firmly down, I’d refuse to even go on holiday to visit them. Once you’re all there with them in his ear 24 hours a day, I suspect you’ll never get away.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Sounds like an utter nightmare, noway. Grey rock comes to mind, just keep saying no, you know what we feel and we are not discussing this anymore!

[GreenTulips]

At least you and your DH are on the same page.

It really shouldn’t affect your marriage and your moods as much as it does

DH needs to take the ‘Mum we discussed this, do you remember? We can’t move to India’

Them I’m ending the call now

Every time

[diddl]

Your husband needs to have a word with himself & stop feeling bad about it.

If what you have said is true they can support themselves well for the rest of their lives.

That's one hell of a position for anyone to be in.

They're just pissed off because they can't boast that their son bought them x, y & z?

That's actually quite pathetic.