PIL want us to live with them

[Rosesaredead]

In their house. Where they live. With GrandPIL too. In India.

DH and I live in the UK where I am from and where we met while he was studying here. We are happy here. We both have jobs here. We have two children who are settled here. We simply don't want to move to India.

But it is the traditional for the son to live with his parents and they are increasingly putting pressure on us to move in. We have repeatedly told them no and at first it will seem like they've taken it on board, until the next phone call when they change their mind again and bring it up again.

We just don't understand how they don't understand! Uprooting 2 children, 2 dogs, leaving our jobs, and going to live with 4 other adults (and very often SIL and her DD who stay over at least every other week for the full week - so often there'd literally be 10 of us under one roof).

They think we should be desperate to live there because MIL and grandMIL would basically take on responsibility for our children (traditionally) and they think that this is great for us as we won't have to pay for childcare. But I LOVE looking after my kids, and I don't WANT someone else to cook for them, feed them, dress them, wash them, decide when and where they go etc. When we go and visit I have to demand to spend time with the DC and it makes me miss them so much and that's only for a few weeks! So I couldn't imagine living like that.

In India MIL spends all day working hard around the house and grandMIL does literally ALL the cooking. If they'd also insist on taking care of my kids I would have nothing to do all day. I couldn't legally work for the first year, and even when I could legally work, I've looked at jobs for mine and DHs fields and if I worked full time I'd earn around £200 a month. DH would earn around £400. As the son, my husband and I would be expected to pay for everything - food, clothes, medicine, everything - for everyone in the house too. So supporting 10 people on £600 a month -even in India this isn't a lot of money. We would never be able to go on holiday again. Our children's education would suffer. We couldn't eat out or go on fun days out or have treats like we can now. It would be really rude if we didn't treat SILs DD as our own, apparently, so we'd never be able to buy anything for our children without buying the same for hers, never be able to take them on days our without taking her DD too. I love spending time with DN and treating her when we visit, but this is just another thing we couldn't afford.

I can't drive in India. The roads are really dangerous and really scary. So I can't go out without DH. As a woman I don't feel respected. If I go to a restaurant, for example, the waiter greets my DH but won't even look at me - he will look at my DH to order for all of us, I won't be acknowledged. I know things like this arent terribly important in the grand scheme of things, but they do upset me.

Oh I don't even know why I'm explaining all of this as I'm sure you all see that the idea of quitting good jobs and uprooting an entire family to go and live on the other side of the world where our quality of life would be much lower, is ridiculous! But my PIL can't. DH is really upset a lot of the time because he keeps having arguments with them about it, or they just emotionally blackmail him and make him feel awful about it. PIL at actually lovely other than this, and in a way it's nice that they're so desperate for us to be close to them. But their constant pressuring is causing so much tension. We have explained time and time again that we won't be moving and they just won't take no for an answer! The other day MIL acted like she understood and we thought all was well, and then the next day she phoned crying that we wouldn't fly back to India for a small local festival that they're having soon. She also phones us upset every time SIL goes home with her DD and tells us how empty the house is and how sad she is.

WWYD about this? This has to stop because it's really making DH sad and making me uncomfortable, but nothing we have said so far has stopped them bringing it up.

[Rainbunny]

They may be "lovely" people OP but they are also being completely selfish and not considering the best interests of their son, you and you children. I think a 'we are not talking about this agins NO!" is needed but if you need a backup excuse - your children! If they move away from the UK and lose residence but later want to attend university in the UK, they will be paying the much higher international student tuition fees! We're talking tens of thousand more in the end.

[HopefulAgain10]

Please, please dont even consider this. I can tell you for certainty the rosy picture they are trying to paint is false. You will be their carer and have no say whatsoever in that house. Trust me, coming from a similar culture it will be the biggest mistake you make.

Your husband needs to stop moping around with a sad face and put an end to this. Stop discussing and trying to justify why this wont work. Just tell him no and you are not discussing this.

[Serin]

I have a friend who experiences similar OP but with her it is money that her parents seek. More and more every month.
Her father makes awful business decisions and she literally pays for his mistakes to save face.
Her family in India live in huge houses but she and her children live in rented housing here despite earning well in a professional role.
I agree with everyone else, all you can do is keep saying no and go on a family holiday this year.

[QueenBeex]

Whenever they bring it up literally don't acknowledge it. The moment they mention it either carry on talking about what you was before it got mentioned or start talking about something else. They will soon realise you aren't willing to talk about it anymore if you refuse to acknowledge it and change the subject whenever it's mentioned

[ConferencePear]

Here's a more cheerful way of dealing with this. Take a look at some old episodes of "Goodness Gracious Me" and take particular note of the competitive mothers.

[TBDO]

It’s unusual for arranged marriages to take place for my (Indian) friends families. The fact they did this to their DD , when she wasn’t actually keen, and that they are pressuring you to move back means they are steeped in old fashioned customs. Many Indian people have moved on from that.

They will keep guilt tripping your DH until he makes it categorically clear that he no longer wants to hear it nor will engage in it. I’m assuming he doesn’t care if they don’t leave him anything. They might find a cousin or nephew to bestow their fortune on instead of DH - be prepared for that.

[HavelockVetinari]

Are your DC mixed race? If so that's another good reason (amongst zillions) not to move to India where they'd stick out like a sore thumb.

Do not even contemplate moving - and make sure your DH is clear that he won't try to make you move there when one of his parents is supposedly dying.

[MiniCooperLover]

They are insisting because they want him and you to start taking care of them! Move and you'll never be able to leave !!

[makingmammaries]

No no no no no. Just no. OP, keep your pleasant life in your little nuclear family and DO NOT let them guilt trip you into giving up your freedom. Have the courage to be assertive. Your DC will thank you for it.

[NaturalBornWoman]

There is a massive cultural difference between you and your husband. What was your agreement when you married? Did you discuss how you would deal with these cultural expectations? If you married on the basis that you would live according to yo own cultural norms as a family unit, then he needs to deal with any backlash from his family and keep his contract with you. Or did you just marry and have kids with someone from an entirely different culture and fail to consider the potential pressure, his own feelings about dealing with that......? You must have known he came from a traditional family surely? Obviously you shouldn't go if you don't want to, but this will possibly put a lot of pressure on the marriage if you didn't communicate and agree ahead of time.

[LunafortJest]

As an introvert and only child, I could NEVER live in a house with 10 people. EVER! I remember many years back finding out that my dad had a sister (they were separated in different orphanages and she didn't know my dad was still alive), and finding out that she had 6 children meaning I had 6 cousins and they were all older and most had young babies, meeting them all the first time was traumatic in a way for me. I sometimes had to retreat to my room to just rest, or read, or be alone, I felt so claustrophobic from all these people (after living in a house of 3), and that sent me into agoraphobia.

I could NEVER cope living with TEN other people. That sounds like one of my worst personal nightmares. I'd be completely and utterly miserable. I need my own room and my own space. It would have a serious profound affect on my physical, mental and emotional health. Even thinking about it has my heart racing and making me feel panicky.

I wonder if your husband has truly explained to his parents what his move to the UK means. And that his marriage to you, his job, your home, it is all permanent? Has he really explained that to them at the outset? I would suggest you write to or email the basically an outline of what you've said in your OP. That you would not be happy in their culture. And get your husband to explain that he prefers his lifestyle in the UK and that you do and he do not wish to raise your children in India. I was going to suggest as an add-on that maybe you could suggest your PIL move to the UK, but then even if they did that, they most likely would expect to live with you all together. You definitely need to get in down in writing though, via post or email. They need to have your view explained to them in depth. Explain that it is not an attack on their culture, but you prefer your culture and life in the UK and you want your space as a family and space for your children.

[woodhill]

Yes conference this sprung to my mind.

Particularly the aubergine sketch and the competitive mums

[Dillydallyingthrough]

As someone from the same background as your DP. His parents sound unbelievably traditional, the stuff you're going through now is what my mom went through and shes in her 70s. No-one for at least 30 years has had an arranged marriage in my family.

So I will give you my DMs experience, she was pressurised to go to India but my DGran. She was there a year, hated it, hated never having time with us, how she was expected to sit at home twiddling her thumbs whilst my DF was out doing stuff all day. She hated being expected to entertain all the kids that would go over every day and not having anything of her own (everything was shared and if someone turned up hinting they wanted something she would be expected to 'gift' it). One day she packed her bags and told my DF she was leaving (with me and 1 sibling) and he could come or stay there. They both left, but my DM said it was awful waiting for the flights as my DGran cried all day every day, wailing saying she would die alone of a broken heart (have a million cousins there). My parents almost changed their mind on returning and there marriage was at breaking point by the time they left. My DM and Df went back every few years and my DF made it clear that they would never move there and would walk out/hang up if my DGran started. My DGran was lovely (but clearly manipulative she just didn't realise it as it was the norm for her) just had very ingrained beliefs - she lived with us for the last 15 years of her life and she respected my mom who cared for her. Please don't make the same mistake my DM did, her relationship with my DGran was awful for years after my parents moved back- my DGran told everyone my DM had forced my Df to leave.

Your DH needs to say he won't discuss it anymore and make sure he sticks to that by hanging up, reducing visits, etc.

[LadyRannaldini]

I wouldn't be answering the phone to them.

I'd change my number!
Woman really need to consider carefully the implications of marrying someone of a very different culture. Even if the man lives in what might be called a 'western way' in his 20s and 30s, he will come under pressure as his parents age to make changes that will affect his family, even families in this country can place an enormous pressure of guilt on their sons.

[Rosesaredead]

Wow thanks everyone for all the advice and messages. Feeling much better and even more certain than before - I mean we were never going to go but we did feel awful about it, but now after reading this thread feel much less guilty and just really annoyed that they've put us in this position! Which makes dealing with it so much easier. Mumsnet is great sometimes!

[Rosesaredead]

Also I'm shocked to hear that their particularly traditional. I thought this was the norm in their general area but maybe it is just their extended family who are so traditional and they're the people I've mainly met. Knowing that loads of Indians DONT do arranged marriages/living at home/giving money to parents has also made me feel a lot better. If it's a cultural thing forced on them by society I get that it must be difficult for them but if it's something they're sort of choosing to follow then I have much less sympathy about it I think

[Rosesaredead]

*they're. (That would have plagued me)

[captainmarvella]

Op, I’m Indian. I moved from abroad to india to live with my husband who is the eldest son and naturally lives with his parents in their house. My in-laws are like yours, emotionally financially and culturally. So I hope you will listen to me when I say this: never ever ever ever ever EVER EVER EVER move in with them.

EVER.

I will write a longer post once I have gotten over the PTSD your post has given me!

[Waffles80]

Would they consider moving to the UK? Would it be feasible to plan for MIL to move in event of FIL’s death? Could concerns over how she will live without him be at the root of this?

[ContessaIsOnADietDammit]

You have my sympathy OP - the culture gap can be brutal. Some Arab families have a similar system of expectation regarding living together and looking after each other, but I regularly give thanks that my father's family is different in that regard!

Your description of lots of boring visits to relatives whose language you don't speak takes me back to large chunks of my childhood. It was great as a kid because the language gap didn't matter so much (I remember investigating under the host's bed with their children ) but it gets far more stilted as kids age. I certainly wouldn't uproot larger children to such an environment - and that's leaving aside all the unreasonable cultural expectation side of it!!

[Amortentia]

Having traveled around India there’s is no fecking way I could live there,and you sound pretty sure you couldn’t either. TBH, I doubt you can stop your in laws from hassling you but you can change the way you deal without them. If you and your dh are both agreed this is not going to happen you have to start treating it like a joke, don’t counter your in laws with series reasons on why you won’t move. Make a joke of it like it’s not even a remote possibility, you have to change the dynamics of the conversation, accept this is what they do to try to give your dh emotional distance from them.Or, failing that limit contact.

[3luckystars]

@captainmarvella I can't wait to read your update post. Maybe you could write a book about it.
My friends husband is from India, they visit there for a month every year and her stories fascinate me.

[IdaBWells]

We lived in Germany for a number of years recently and our children attended an international school. A teacher had moved from India with his wife and their two young daughters. She told me that since moving to Germany she loved having her own household and raising her daughters. She said she had never known this as an option as it was not the cultural norm where she was from and she had been living with her ILs since her marriage (so probably a decade). Her daughters were very intelligent and had very warm outgoing personalities. They were thriving in Germany and academically very successful. I'm assuming their parents also realised their girls had a great deal of opportunity in their adopted country. Last time I looked online her husband was now the principal of the secondary school so it looks like they decided to remain in Germany. I always remember how much she emphasized how she loved the autonomy and freedom she had, after never knowing or realizing it was possible. It clearly had opened her life up in unexpected ways that she was delighted with.

[SurfingGiantess]

Oh my goodness. I'm just glad your husband is on the same page.
I'd explain to them that you too have your culture and in your culture it's not the done thing. They can't just demand for everyone to bend to their cultural norms if that's what they are. I find it very rude to assume that. They don't seem to want to learn about your culture even though you and your children and their son live in the UK. I think that's unfair.

I live in a different country to where I'm from and I don't expect everyone to do as I do. It's nice to respect both cultures.

You won't move there and that's that. Your husband should tell them no it's never going to happen. No explanation. It doesn't concern them. Just no. If tgey discuss it repeat no or end the conversation. I don't see how they're lovely tbh being so rude controlling and narrow minded. There are other cultures out there and you're living in yours and that's where you're all happy. End of.

[SnowyAlpsandPeaks]

I know three Indian families who own shops where I live. They’ve owned them for years, so I’ve seen the younger generation grow up and have families of their own. ALL of the younger ones will visit family back ‘home’ but none will ever go back to live. They all say their way of life is what they know it in the UK, and they couldn’t imagine moving back and bringing up their own children in a different way of life- for many of the reasons you have mentioned. Don’t get me wrong they are really happy to go back for short visits and family celebrations like weddings (OMG the pictures are always so beautiful of their weddings!), but it’s a few weeks to visit the family (and extended family/whole village!) but they and their children miss our way of life quickly, as that’s what they are used too. I know one of the families had been pressured to go back to live their, but they refused. It caused some tension for a few years, but it all seems to have calmed down now, and been accepted and forgotten about.