PIL want us to live with them

[Rosesaredead]

In their house. Where they live. With GrandPIL too. In India.

DH and I live in the UK where I am from and where we met while he was studying here. We are happy here. We both have jobs here. We have two children who are settled here. We simply don't want to move to India.

But it is the traditional for the son to live with his parents and they are increasingly putting pressure on us to move in. We have repeatedly told them no and at first it will seem like they've taken it on board, until the next phone call when they change their mind again and bring it up again.

We just don't understand how they don't understand! Uprooting 2 children, 2 dogs, leaving our jobs, and going to live with 4 other adults (and very often SIL and her DD who stay over at least every other week for the full week - so often there'd literally be 10 of us under one roof).

They think we should be desperate to live there because MIL and grandMIL would basically take on responsibility for our children (traditionally) and they think that this is great for us as we won't have to pay for childcare. But I LOVE looking after my kids, and I don't WANT someone else to cook for them, feed them, dress them, wash them, decide when and where they go etc. When we go and visit I have to demand to spend time with the DC and it makes me miss them so much and that's only for a few weeks! So I couldn't imagine living like that.

In India MIL spends all day working hard around the house and grandMIL does literally ALL the cooking. If they'd also insist on taking care of my kids I would have nothing to do all day. I couldn't legally work for the first year, and even when I could legally work, I've looked at jobs for mine and DHs fields and if I worked full time I'd earn around £200 a month. DH would earn around £400. As the son, my husband and I would be expected to pay for everything - food, clothes, medicine, everything - for everyone in the house too. So supporting 10 people on £600 a month -even in India this isn't a lot of money. We would never be able to go on holiday again. Our children's education would suffer. We couldn't eat out or go on fun days out or have treats like we can now. It would be really rude if we didn't treat SILs DD as our own, apparently, so we'd never be able to buy anything for our children without buying the same for hers, never be able to take them on days our without taking her DD too. I love spending time with DN and treating her when we visit, but this is just another thing we couldn't afford.

I can't drive in India. The roads are really dangerous and really scary. So I can't go out without DH. As a woman I don't feel respected. If I go to a restaurant, for example, the waiter greets my DH but won't even look at me - he will look at my DH to order for all of us, I won't be acknowledged. I know things like this arent terribly important in the grand scheme of things, but they do upset me.

Oh I don't even know why I'm explaining all of this as I'm sure you all see that the idea of quitting good jobs and uprooting an entire family to go and live on the other side of the world where our quality of life would be much lower, is ridiculous! But my PIL can't. DH is really upset a lot of the time because he keeps having arguments with them about it, or they just emotionally blackmail him and make him feel awful about it. PIL at actually lovely other than this, and in a way it's nice that they're so desperate for us to be close to them. But their constant pressuring is causing so much tension. We have explained time and time again that we won't be moving and they just won't take no for an answer! The other day MIL acted like she understood and we thought all was well, and then the next day she phoned crying that we wouldn't fly back to India for a small local festival that they're having soon. She also phones us upset every time SIL goes home with her DD and tells us how empty the house is and how sad she is.

WWYD about this? This has to stop because it's really making DH sad and making me uncomfortable, but nothing we have said so far has stopped them bringing it up.

[Xyzzzzz]

Being of Indian descent myself I understand. It’s not fair having to use annual leave visiting family. It’s not a holiday. It’s not feasible for you to move, why would you leave England to go and live in India where there’s no NHS, state schools are very under resourced, cramped living conditions and your money will not go further for you.

I suspect their either angling for a visit here or money from you. Which they can visit but they won’t like it cause it’s a different way of life. It’s not practical for you to move. I’d say no children are settled and I’m not uprooting them or my life.

[FriarTuck]

Every time they bring it up just say 'as we've said before we're not going to' and then immediately change the subject completely - 'we did such and such yesterday' 'it's been glorious weather here' or better still 'anyway DC desperately needs my help on a school project, talk soon...' Just keep it calm, repeat your stock phrase and change the channel or finish the conversation. If you finish the conversation every time she brings it up then she may eventually take the hint.

[Xyzzzzz]

Also other people families manage just fine not living with their in laws in India. So this seems like a specific issue relating to your DH family and not all Indian families imo

[Sexnotgender]

YANBU. Moving to India would be a massive mistake and would likely ruin your marriage.

[NaturatintGoldenChestnut]

You've never had a holiday as family? Your H needs to give his head a wobble.

[DingDongDenny]

I would be blunt and say that if DH ever agreed to move back to India we would divorce and the DC would be staying with me in the UK

Because quite honestly that is what I would do

[CookPassBabtridge]

Family abroad have to realise that when their son/daughter moves abroad, they adopt our customs and will likely get together with a British person. It's not natural here to live with parents or inlaws. Just keep saying No. My FIL is Middle Eastern but thankfully has western way of thinking about this.

[Butterflycookie]

I would just ignore them. Don’t pick up the phone haha. Wait a few months before you get back in contact.

[SiennaSienna]

There’s no way I would do this. I suspect that if you moved to India, the cultural expectation of you as DIL would be that you’d be the one responsible for cooking and cleaning and for your MIL and Grandparents to help with the kids instead. (I may be wrong on this one though)

[Drum2018]

Yourself and Dh need to sit down and make plans as to how you can control your lives and stop being controlled by them. Stop using up your annual leave and finances to visit them so often and go on a holiday you actually want to go on. Don't be guilted into restricting your lives. Imagine all the other places you could take your children to see in the world. Or have a holiday in UK which would also be great. I agree with pp who suggested telling them you won't engage further in any conversation about moving to India, and hanging up every single time they try to manipulate you after that. You have told them enough times it's not happening. Don't give them opportunity to mention it again. I feel sorry for your Dh but ultimately he needs to be blunt, even if it upsets them. The sooner they get it into their heads that you are serious about not moving, and serious about not visiting them every year, the better. Time to stand firm.

[Rosesaredead]

I think you're all right that the only option is to say one last firm NO and that we won't be discussing it again. Maybe we can call them and just say, this is the last time we are going to say it and from now on if it's mentioned we will be ending the call immediately and not getting back in touch. Or maybe it would be best to not get in contact and just keep silent (currently not on speaking terms after the last argument) so they realise that we're really pissed off, leave it until they call us, and then say this. I think they need to know we've really had enough of it. It's difficult as they're so lovely but enough really is enough and your replies have made us so much more sure of ourselves.

[woodhill]

What about your own parents OP.

These ils sound controlling and oppressive I think they would set you against your dh and you would have no,allies.

Don't do it

[Skyejuly]

I can imagine it's far easier said than done so well done sticking to your wants and needs. It sounds like a ludacris idea to uproot for it all.

Send a letter?

[3luckystars]

Ask them to move over here.

Whenever they suggest you moving, you suggest them moving.

If they are loaded then buy a castle for you all. No neighbours to worry about then!

Good luck.

[Foodylicious]

Are you renting?
Can you get a mortgage and buy something here soon?
That might give them a clear message.

Keep saying no.
Talk about your families future here, i.e what schools dc will be going to next etc.

[Settlersofcatan]

I'm from Indian descent and I do get the context.

You're in a more fortunate position than some in that it doesn't sound like your DH has any interest in living with them either. I think all he can do is keep repeating "we won't be moving to India and I won't discuss this again" and hang up. Every time.

There isn't any point in expecting them to understand where you're coming from, the culture is too engrained. What you need is to get across is that you have made your decision and it's final.

And take a family holiday!

[Peakypolly]

I can begin to understand this situation as I know of a couple of British Bangladeshes feeling similar pressure. The GP’s (in this case) are viewed with pity by their neighbours as the younger family are not returning to Bangladesh to “do their duty”.
My friends are of the opinion that times have changed and, sad as it makes them having to be the first generation to do this, have no plans to leave the U.K. and the lifestyle they enjoy here.

[Ginger1982]

Your DH needs to put his foot down here and so do you! Tell him you don't want to spend every holiday in India! Tell him you want to go on a family holiday just you and the kids! If he won't do this or is still swithering re India then you seriously need to think about your future together because otherwise this isn't going to go away.

[stressedoutpa]

Just say no and keep repeating. No need for an explanation.

[viques]

I think you need to change tack. Concentrate on your children, their education, their activities,their health. Emphasise the importance of having an education in the UK for them, I take it they are quite young but even so you can start talking about secondary education choices, examination options, university, post grad opportunities, job opportunities etc etc.

I know there are excellent schools and universities in
India, but their own son came to study in the UK so they must value the UK system. Keep banging on about continuity, opportunity, etc etc.

[Tunnockswafer]

It would be cheaper for the two of them to fly over to you. Maybe paying for their tickets next year could be the plan, and spend the rest on a holiday. Not sure how youve reached the point that all leave goes on visits! I’m one of many on mumsnet who has family in other parts of Uk (ie can only visit family for holidays, not daily or weekends) and it has never occurred to me or my family that all my leave would be spent there.
If they’ve never visited they may be quite disconnected from the reality of your life here. And what about your parents OP? Or other friends and family if you don’t have parents?
Do your in laws need boasting rights over something - could a small sum of money sent regularly or gifts count as something that would give the required status with friends? It’s a shame they are messing up a good thing (your regular visits) with further demands.

[EssentialHummus]

She also phones us upset every time SIL goes home with her DD and tells us how empty the house is and how sad she is.

What's her living situation then?

I get it(ish). I have an Israeli grandmother who in all seriousness dug out her basement at a cost of $$$$ and then rang one day to say it was ready for us to move into and she'd met a bloke from the local tech company who could sort a job out for DH. First I'd heard of it. The answer was no!

[LakieLady]

As the son, my husband and I would be expected to pay for everything - food, clothes, medicine, everything - for everyone in the house too

Would it be very wrong of me to suggest that that is quite some incentive for them?

[FizzyGreenWater]

I think it's meltdown time. You need to give them a really big shock.

Next time (and there obviously will be a next time) you let your DH explode, have a really big upset about it on the phone. 'We can't believe you are still doing this to us... no respect for our lives and choices at all... this is really upsettting... we have been as clear as possible and you will never let up, phoning you is so stressful now... etc etc. Phone slammed down.

You let the dust settle and then your DH contacts them and lays it on thick. Neither of you can stand this any more. All both of you have done since that phone call is cry, feel miserable, feel totally not listened to. You cannot face a holiday with them this year. You did warn them and you are sorry but you have reached the end of your tether. You have already booked to have a family holiday alone this year. You feel so stressed by this you need time away, so do the children, without family pressure. If they can't understand this they will lose you.

And BOOK IT and go. You've never had a family holiday - that's grim. So you go and you have a lovely time and hopefully, the utter shock of you actually carrying out your threat might stop them doing this. Two birds one stone.

They are doing this because they hope to eventually wear you down. They haven't 'forgotten'. They just don't really respect you, and expect you (as the younger generation) to do as they say. Your best hope now is to go nuclear. They won't have believed your DH when he threatened to not visit, so you do it.

Hopefully that might actually do the trick and you would then be able to build a less stressful relationship.

If FIL died first? Nothing would change. You still would not go. Just like, I assume, thousands of Indian families in your situation - where an eldest son has made his life abroad. It's not 'unheard of' - they don't all immediately move their American/British/Dutch/German families out to India and leave their careers and lives behind! Stressful yes. Unheard of, no. You would find a way through it but no, you would not sacrifice the only life you have and totally upend your childrens' lives and prospects to satisfy your inlaws' wishes.