PIL want us to live with them

[Rosesaredead]

In their house. Where they live. With GrandPIL too. In India.

DH and I live in the UK where I am from and where we met while he was studying here. We are happy here. We both have jobs here. We have two children who are settled here. We simply don't want to move to India.

But it is the traditional for the son to live with his parents and they are increasingly putting pressure on us to move in. We have repeatedly told them no and at first it will seem like they've taken it on board, until the next phone call when they change their mind again and bring it up again.

We just don't understand how they don't understand! Uprooting 2 children, 2 dogs, leaving our jobs, and going to live with 4 other adults (and very often SIL and her DD who stay over at least every other week for the full week - so often there'd literally be 10 of us under one roof).

They think we should be desperate to live there because MIL and grandMIL would basically take on responsibility for our children (traditionally) and they think that this is great for us as we won't have to pay for childcare. But I LOVE looking after my kids, and I don't WANT someone else to cook for them, feed them, dress them, wash them, decide when and where they go etc. When we go and visit I have to demand to spend time with the DC and it makes me miss them so much and that's only for a few weeks! So I couldn't imagine living like that.

In India MIL spends all day working hard around the house and grandMIL does literally ALL the cooking. If they'd also insist on taking care of my kids I would have nothing to do all day. I couldn't legally work for the first year, and even when I could legally work, I've looked at jobs for mine and DHs fields and if I worked full time I'd earn around £200 a month. DH would earn around £400. As the son, my husband and I would be expected to pay for everything - food, clothes, medicine, everything - for everyone in the house too. So supporting 10 people on £600 a month -even in India this isn't a lot of money. We would never be able to go on holiday again. Our children's education would suffer. We couldn't eat out or go on fun days out or have treats like we can now. It would be really rude if we didn't treat SILs DD as our own, apparently, so we'd never be able to buy anything for our children without buying the same for hers, never be able to take them on days our without taking her DD too. I love spending time with DN and treating her when we visit, but this is just another thing we couldn't afford.

I can't drive in India. The roads are really dangerous and really scary. So I can't go out without DH. As a woman I don't feel respected. If I go to a restaurant, for example, the waiter greets my DH but won't even look at me - he will look at my DH to order for all of us, I won't be acknowledged. I know things like this arent terribly important in the grand scheme of things, but they do upset me.

Oh I don't even know why I'm explaining all of this as I'm sure you all see that the idea of quitting good jobs and uprooting an entire family to go and live on the other side of the world where our quality of life would be much lower, is ridiculous! But my PIL can't. DH is really upset a lot of the time because he keeps having arguments with them about it, or they just emotionally blackmail him and make him feel awful about it. PIL at actually lovely other than this, and in a way it's nice that they're so desperate for us to be close to them. But their constant pressuring is causing so much tension. We have explained time and time again that we won't be moving and they just won't take no for an answer! The other day MIL acted like she understood and we thought all was well, and then the next day she phoned crying that we wouldn't fly back to India for a small local festival that they're having soon. She also phones us upset every time SIL goes home with her DD and tells us how empty the house is and how sad she is.

WWYD about this? This has to stop because it's really making DH sad and making me uncomfortable, but nothing we have said so far has stopped them bringing it up.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

They really do think that they can call the shots, don't they? That they are in charge of your husband's (and therefor yours too) life.

I can only agree with what everyone else is saying.

• Your next holiday is NOT visiting them. Go for a proper holiday.
• One last clear statement that you are NEVER moving to India, and that it will not be discussed again.

_ Hang up on them when the inevitable tearful call starts.

At the moment, there are only incentives to these tearful calls - that they might succeed in manipulating you and DH to accede. There needs to be a disincentive - the cutting off of communication. And communication only restarts when they play nice and stop with the emotional blackmail. And if they persist - well, communication gets less and less ...

[Loopytiles]

Suggest you and DH have some serious conversations about what you are and are not prepared to do for your wider families. Now and in the longer term.

For example, should an annual family holiday take priority over all of you visiting the ILs?

[Lazydaisies]

There is no reason for them to understand you OP nor for you to understand their perspective.

Don't get me wrong it would be nice if you all could but it is impossible from what you have written. From what I experienced in the sub continent family relationships are set up differently to the west. Whereas our emphasis is more on future generations theirs is more geared towards respect of elders. Obviously the reverse applies in both cultures too but the cultural balance is different. Neither of these are wrong or right they are just cultural norms. In many ways though, they are opposing. You just have to let them do and say what they want to say, let it wash over you. You repeat ad nauseam that you won't be moving over. The problem is the guilt. Your DH needs to learn how to manage his guilt, a pretty big deal for most good people.

[TapasForTwo]

You know when you always think of the right think to say afterwards?

"Stop trying to guilt trip us into coming to live with you. It won't work"

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

If they're reluctant to fund themselves by selling land, an expectation that the son will bankroll everyone is probably at least partly why they're so keen for you to go. You could offer to send money, but frankly I'd be careful about even this since they may well trade your presence for ever increasing demands

The good news here is that DH has always made it clear a return won't be happening and that you're both on the same page. Therefore I think you're right to consider cutting off the conversations, and I'd also be scaling back on some visits and having those family holidays you'd enjoy instead

They won't like it, but then they won't like anything short of getting their entire way - and just like everyone else they can't always have exactly what they want, exactly as they want it

[Incywincybitofa]

Are they saving face or getting old?
The oddest thing is your SIL is frequently visiting with her child, why is that in that general culture that's not the norm. It sounds like something else is going on in the background
If they can tweak the cultural norms for that then they can for you

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

simply by already allocating all holiday time and annual leave to them and their wishes, you've already sent out enough of a signal that you are deferential to their plans/wishes

Wise words as ever from Fizzy - and yet another reason to get that holiday booked

[BlueSkiesLies]

Don’t go and live there, but you might want to consider sending money to them.

[Durgasarrow]

Red Flag! Red Flag!! DO NOT DO THIS. You know it's a bad idea!!! Don't even let this idea gain traction in your head. This is not an idea to be taken seriously. It wasn't part of your original plan. You met and married on English soil and on English terms. You won't fit in or be respected as the daughter in law. The only way you will have power is if you stay where you are.

[DontCallMeCharlotte]

MinisterforCheekyFuckery

I agree. Write to them.

[Madison119]

Think of yourself, your life will be miserable, your control of your children will be gone and your bond will suffer. Your children will lose opportunities it may not be so possible to change that. Your being living in a culture you never grew up in and losing opportunities for yourself also. Your husband is understandably upset but he would be more upset with you and the children unhappy and having limited income and extra responsibilities. Send them money it’s a compromise. But be clear with them in no uncertain terms it will not happen. Good luck

[Horsemenoftheaclopalypse]

What fizzygreenwater says...

You cannot behave reasonably because they are not reasonable you’ll need to be tactical....!

[OutdoorApathy]

I live abroad. We go back once every 5 years. Not going back every year is simple a consequence of living in a different part of the world. We take family holidays together because that is important and healthy for us as a family unit. We keep in contact by Skype.

Do they travel at all, do they ever come to see you?

What would happen if you suggested that e.g. this year you have a family holiday (you, DH and DC) next year you would consider that you and IL's could meet for a holiday somewhere.

[BlueJava]

Reduce contact a bit - go on your own holidays for a couple of years. Make sure neither of you ever refer to India as home as in their minds it will be significant. If they continue you will both have to be firm and say "Listen, we are not coming to live with you in India, our home is [wherever] and we are very happy here - our children are receiving a good education, we are in good jobs, this is where we live and where we are staying". If they bring it up again refer to the same conversation.

[AWishForWingsThatWork]

Why on earth would people suggest sending money to family members that are clearly beyond well equipped to look after itself. They are property owners; they have excess property; they can sell some of it if they need cash! Plus they clearly have income.

Ridiculous.

Just be firm and tell your DH he needs to stop pandering to them, feeling guilty, or engaging in the conversation. He has moved country for a better life, which is presumably what they encouraged him to do ... he is now living it and has a family. They need to stop hassling all of you. I would threaten divorce if my DH even pretended to consider doing what they want him to do!

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

The oddest thing is your SIL is frequently visiting with her child ... in that general culture that's not the norm

That's actually a good point ... if they're that traditional, I thought the custom was for a married daughter to tend to her husband's parents rather than her own?

[squeakyreptile]

Give a brief answer, 'No, that doesn't work for us' and repeat until the message gets through. Further explanations and pandering to their needs will only complicate things.

You and your husband don't want to do- that is enough. You don't owe them your own happiness. Your main priority are your children.

They sound manipulative. Don't rise to it.

[crimsonlake]

You do not have yo justify your reasons, it does not work for your family, end of.

[justasking111]

This is difficult. We have a family member that lives in China, his MIL spends six months of the year with them. It is expected. She is a nice woman no trouble and helps out with things. It is accepted that when she becomes infirm they will care for her full time.

[ThatssomebadhatHarry]

“What your son buys you and how much he spends on you is like a big topic of conversation and a thing to be really smug about and make people jealous of”

They could just buy stuff for themselves and say ooo look at what my darling son has got for me...

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

You already know the answer.Would you expect your own two children to do this for you? I'm guessing you would want them to have the freedom to live their own lives?
The only thing that will make PILS sit up and pay attention is that you both say NO to them. Cancel the annual visit. DONT pay them that is just sending another signal that you will submit.
They are only "lovely" when you are both doing exactly what they want. You will always be the bad guy in this scenario whatever you do. I know its hard to see your DH so upset, but they are the ones who are causing this, not you. Good Luck

[Asta19]

This will never end, I was married to an Indian man so I know exactly what you’re going through. When he went to visit his mum once and was due to come back to England, she supposedly cried so much that she ended up in hospital with dehydration

I remember my ExH used to send photos of things like our new washing machine, so his parents could “brag” about how well their son was doing. It is so weird.

Trust me the next thing they will come out with is that one of them is dying so they “need” you there. There will never come a point where they respect your decision, because the culture and family dynamics are so different from our own.

[Hanab]

Don’t be guilt tripped! You just have to keep saying no. I know the scenario.. you won’t have an ounce of privacy or freedom! Forget the childcare and cooking.. they will gladly do it but tell the next person how lazy you are .. Believe me I know not from personal experience but family

[DarkAtEndOfTunnel]

This would be a definite no from me. India is not a country that respects women. Out of interest are either of your children girls? Do you want them raised as domestic servants?

I can't understand the attractions of a country that allows gang rape, honour killings, and lacks sanitation let alone safe sanitation for many while building nuclear weapons personally.

[Bluetrews25]

They want you out there so that YOU OP can care for them when they become older and more infirm.