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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday shunned

92 replies

hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 10:47

I am not sure exactly how to feel about this I think I feel pretty shit but not sure if iabu.

My parents live around 200 miles from me so we don't see each other that often. At Easter they have my db1 and his gf, my db2, his wife and 2 children staying for 2-3 nights from sat-tues. They have 4 bedrooms and a pretty big house although I appreciate that's a lot.

I have a group of old school friends and we get together with all ours kids one weekend a year and this year its only a few miles from where my parents live. My mum has been making noises for ages that she hopes I'll see her as I'm so nearby, sort of guilt tripping me that I wasn't coming to her.

So I suggested lunch on Easter Sunday (which is also my birthday) all together with the family. I didn't stipulate where ie. could have been pub or at her house etc. Have a terse reply saying we cant see you on Sunday as we have your dbs and family here.

No suggestion of popping in for a coffee, no acknowledgement its even my birthday. I know if this was me I'd make a huge roast and sit the 4 kids to eat first (my 2 and db's 2) and then the 7 adults afterwards. But she isn't even thinking of alternatives, just a no.

Also being tricky about getting together on other days as the same problem - too many people. And then I dbs and I all separately go back home on Tues.

I realise this is all pretty pathetic but there is obviously a back story - me feeling like an unloved unwanted child, very low self esteem persisting - and events like this just play into it.

I do have a degree of detachment and not giving a shot, but also want to know if others think my mum is being a bit harsh here?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2019 10:55

No. She's being vile.

I'd keep your distance emotionally as well as physically.

CarolDanvers · 14/04/2019 11:00

I’d message that to her. What you said in your OP about lack of effort and how it could be dealt with practically. Nothing changes if you never say anything. Believe me I get where you’re coming from. I am and have always been the family failure and scapegoat and it caused me a lot of pain over the years but I started feeling SO much better once I stopped tip toeing round it and confronting their shit behaviour. Not much else changed to be fair but feeling better and stronger in myself has been great.

Original poster

hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 11:05

Yep I would always swallow this feeling but maybe I could email. I always think there is no point now as she's so advanced in age and lacks introspection.

OP posts:

Candleglow7475 · 14/04/2019 11:07

If there’s that many people going 1 extra person for a meal won’t make a difference. I’d do what was necessary to include you, it’s only an extra chair & plate.
Is she usually so rigid & uncompromising in her thinking?

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 14/04/2019 11:08

Do you actually want to go now or not?

Can you talk rather than text? Could you say ‘you asked me to come over while I’m in X bit you’ve said no to all my suggestions.’

If you still want to go then say ‘so can you tell me what you want.’

If you don’t say ‘so now I’m busy as have had to make plans for trip so won’t see you this time.’

Try and centre what you want rather than making her change as you’re on a hiding to nowhere with that.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 11:10

That’s crap of your mother (and father?) and indeed siblings, if they’re aware you’ll be in the area on Easter/your birthday weekend.

It sounds like this is a “Stately Homes” type family and that you might be treated differently from siblings. Suggest seeking advice from experienced posters on those threads.

hazandduck · 14/04/2019 11:10

She does sound like she’s being harsh. Any chance they could be organising a surprise for you??

Original poster

hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 11:11

It would be 3 extra ppl - me and 2 dcs.

I would like to pop in to see everyone but it feels terribly awkward now. I have already responded to say 'another time' in fact.

OP posts:

Original poster

hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 11:12

hazandduck - 100% no, lol.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 11:12

Are the rest of the family who will be there aware of the exchange and that you’ll be nearby?

Siameasy · 14/04/2019 11:14

That seems really unfair to me and I would be upset. I don’t understand some parents. I adore my DD and I don’t understand how some parents are so mean towards their own children?

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 11:14

One option would be to let them ALL know, eg by group text or email, that you’ll be in the area and would be keen to see them, either on your birthday on the Sunday, or another day.

IdaDown · 14/04/2019 11:14

I second the Stately Homes/Relationships.

wineandroses1 · 14/04/2019 11:17

I don’t think its too late to confront this, even if she is older and lacking introspection (that’s an understatement though). What do you have to lose by asking her questions like “do you remember asking me to visit? Do you remember that it’s my birthday? Why wouldn’t you invite me to join my DB’s visit? Why do I mean so little to you?”. Let her try to answer. And if she doesn’t answer, then step away completely. I know that’s a very hard thing to do but you have to protect yourself.

Original poster

hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 11:17

Yes I could do a group email, should have done that in the first place rather than thinking my mum might want to facilitate a nice family Easter/birthday.

We haven't had all the family together for years. To be honest it's not just about me, my older db gets crap treatment too - she gets overwhelmed and then cant see how others might feel.

OP posts:

Processedpea · 14/04/2019 11:17

I would call and speak to her not text or email tell her you're hurt and remind her it's your birthday! Don't roll over and accept it your obviously understandible hurt ! She should know on your behalf

IvanaPee · 14/04/2019 11:18

Send her the bloody email!

Seriously. Doesn’t sound like it would do any damage to a super close relationship or anything. She’s being horrible for no good reason, so call her out on it.

IvanaPee · 14/04/2019 11:19

But I wouldn’t call.

In an email you can state exactly what you want without getting nervous or side tracked or having anyone twist your words.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 11:19

You could still send the group email message. No need to mention that your DM has behaved this way, just suggest a couple of things, eg that you meet up for lunch, come to your parents’ for lunch or in the afternoon, or meet another day.

One of the other family members is then likely to help set something up.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 14/04/2019 11:22

I’d personally just invite my siblings out if she doesn’t want to see you but I’m terrible at forgiving bad behaviour and tend to cut people who don’t deserve my time out. She might then just invite herself along ... but I’d tell my siblings the background of her refusing your visit. Not great advice but what I’d do.

mellicauli · 14/04/2019 11:26

She's probably just thinking not enough chairs, not enough food, not enough room..all her careful plans will come tumbling down. I know my mum just no longer has the mental agility to make changes to her plans, so maybe just suggest meeting up for a walk somewhere nice in the afternoon and tea in a cafe?

ScarlettSahara · 14/04/2019 11:32

I’m so sorry OP. Youare not BU at all & I can’t imagine treating my child & DGC like that. On the other hand have experienced similar attitude from in-laws to my DD & I know how painful it is.

I agree with pp. Work out what you want. You say there is a backstory & that you are scapegoated but is this just with your mum or with your siblings too? If you get this attitude from all your family then the chances of having a cosy get together on your birthday / Easter are pretty slim aren’t they?
It all depends on the rest of your family really & it may be best to devote your time to your friends who do care about you.

Also agree that posting in stately homes may bring in more posters with relevant experience.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 14/04/2019 11:38

Stately Homes, you're trying to make things work with her due to FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. She's vile. I'd only email her back, not waste time calling her. 'Well, looks like it won't work out to meet up. As it's also my birthday we've made plans to celebrate with friends and it looks like our schedules clash. Have a nice holiday! x'

winbinin · 14/04/2019 11:39

YANBU. As a mum of grownup children I would be thrilled if one of them wanted to come round on their birthday. And if it was a big houseful with all the adult DC, partners and kids - so much the better. It would be as good as it gets for me. And if I didn’t have space to seat them all for a formal meal I’d do a buffet or seat kids first and adults later. Actually the details of how I’d accomodate them are irrelevant, we’d sort something out even if it meant everyone chipping in for takeaway pizza and eating it in front of the telly.

I’m sorry your mum is being so awkward OP. She sounds like a very difficult woman. I hope you have a good day with your DC.

ScarlettSahara · 14/04/2019 11:39

Sorry OP you didn’t actually use the term scapegoat- think I must have inferred it. Seeing siblings for afternoon tea as pp suggested may be a way round it.

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