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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday shunned

92 replies

hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 10:47

I am not sure exactly how to feel about this I think I feel pretty shit but not sure if iabu.

My parents live around 200 miles from me so we don't see each other that often. At Easter they have my db1 and his gf, my db2, his wife and 2 children staying for 2-3 nights from sat-tues. They have 4 bedrooms and a pretty big house although I appreciate that's a lot.

I have a group of old school friends and we get together with all ours kids one weekend a year and this year its only a few miles from where my parents live. My mum has been making noises for ages that she hopes I'll see her as I'm so nearby, sort of guilt tripping me that I wasn't coming to her.

So I suggested lunch on Easter Sunday (which is also my birthday) all together with the family. I didn't stipulate where ie. could have been pub or at her house etc. Have a terse reply saying we cant see you on Sunday as we have your dbs and family here.

No suggestion of popping in for a coffee, no acknowledgement its even my birthday. I know if this was me I'd make a huge roast and sit the 4 kids to eat first (my 2 and db's 2) and then the 7 adults afterwards. But she isn't even thinking of alternatives, just a no.

Also being tricky about getting together on other days as the same problem - too many people. And then I dbs and I all separately go back home on Tues.

I realise this is all pretty pathetic but there is obviously a back story - me feeling like an unloved unwanted child, very low self esteem persisting - and events like this just play into it.

I do have a degree of detachment and not giving a shot, but also want to know if others think my mum is being a bit harsh here?

OP posts:
MissUGirl · 14/04/2019 11:42

Many people, particularly older people, are not good at composing text messages and they can come across as quite unfeeling. Could that be the case here?—and if so, I would just phone my mother and discuss the matter.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 11:43

Message everyone and seek to arrange something that works for you, and them. That may well be you attending lunch at your mum’s, and there are other options.

Your mum is being U here. Practicalities / nerves around hosting for a large number of people don’t excuse your mum’s behaviour, and you’ve said there’s backstory.

Passively accepting it seems likely to leave you feeling shit, and other family members unaware.

Persimmonn · 14/04/2019 11:43

Wow, you’re not being unreasonable at all. If it were my dc, I’d sit on the floor and eat if it meant having all the family together after so long. Sorry your mum is like this. Happy birthday for next Sunday Flowers

AWishForWingsThatWork · 14/04/2019 11:45

Vile treatment.

Your entire family will be there on Easter SUnday, save one brother, and there's no room at the table for you, on your birthday to boot? Vile.

Especially after hounding you and pretending that she wants to see you ... apparently you're not allowed to be a proper guest though along with the rest of your family.

I would take a huge step back from her; you deserve better. And where is your father in all this?

DowntonCrabby · 14/04/2019 11:46

I feel awful for you OP. I’d definitely get in touch with your DB’s to suggest meeting at the pub for a meal or quick catch up drink. Do you get on as siblings?

Gizlotsmum · 14/04/2019 11:49

Do you have plans that siblings could tag along to? If so I would message them, say what you are doing and when and you would love to see them.

TarragonSauce · 14/04/2019 11:53

I think in circumstances like this, and others where one unit of a family may be a bit awkward and affect relationships between others, a group chat app of some sort is a godsend. It doesn't leave anything open to interpretation or embellishment, it ends any Chinese whispers culture.
If your request and her reply had been on the 'family chat' one another family member might have piped in with how ridiculous her reply was, what's 3 more, we'll all cook, etc. If they didn't at least they would see you were not 'being funny' and had made the offer.
Even if the awkward one messages me privately, I always reply on the group chat and pretend ignorance if questioned why.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 11:59

Group emails better, agr4ed. She doesn't have smart phone.

OP posts:
EustaciaVye · 14/04/2019 12:03

Send an email to everyone. Let them all know that you are messaging as you are in the area, you wanted to visit but your mum said no because it wasnt going to work so thought you would ask them all if going out is an option instead?

Processedpea · 14/04/2019 12:07

still think you actually need to speak to her but our family definitely don't do group chats or either facebook!

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 12:12

OP’s mother’s behaviour, now and in the past, is a problem here, so speaking to her personally is unlikely to help. Other family members’ consciences are likely to be more useful!

TheSerenDipitY · 14/04/2019 12:12

sounds like you kinda knew she would say that.... go and have a great day with your daughters, dont give them another thought
and remember one day someone is going to be called upon to wipe her ass... let that someone be the golden child

ShadowHuntress · 14/04/2019 12:13

As pp have said, email to the group sounds like the best was forward.

I just don’t understand how a parent could do this. My parents have never left any of us out. If they have a get together, everyone gets invited. There’s an open invite for Sunday dinner at their house, whoever can make it, every week.

Sorry your mum is being horrible op. Especially as it’s also your birthday Flowers

Mrskeats · 14/04/2019 12:19

Awful that is op. Sorry you are feeling bad.
I don’t get families sometimes. Chez Keats it’s the more the merrier. That includes my children and their boyfriends/friends etc.

EustaciaVye · 14/04/2019 12:23

FWIW I tried to arrange a family get together last year for my lot. First time in 20 years. Tried doing it through my folks and got nowhere. One of my siblings didnt come. And my parents didnt come.

Because they were tired.

Me and the other 3 and families had a lovely time. Their loss.

Op - focus on your siblings is my advice

BumbleBeee69 · 14/04/2019 12:24

Beyond hoping THEY enjoy your Birthday OP, I'd never contact this vile woman or surrounding rellies ever again. Fuck them Flowers

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 13:36

EustaciaVye Flowers I love your name btw

OP posts:
LynnTheseAreSexPeople · 14/04/2019 13:38

She sounds horrible, why is everyone invited except you for Easter when it's your birthday?!

rainbowstardrops · 14/04/2019 13:47

Eurghhh that's really nasty! I couldn't imagine inviting some of my children to a lunch or whatever without inviting them all. Especially as it's YOUR birthday!!!!
Surely that's the perfect time to all be together?
I'd have to speak to her personally because that would really upset me.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 16:24

Random update - I just got a call from my mum where she abruptly said "I've booked that place".

Had no idea what she was talking about, but she explained she's booked a nice pub for Easter day for the 11 of us. I was quite confused, obviously said thanks and now that's the plan.

For a minute I though she was on mumsnet and had read all this! Dh then admitted he was quite sorry for me and had phoned my brother to tell him what was going on. Db called my mum and she obviously relented, and then said she was confused by the emails and didn't realise I wanted to meet on my birthday.

Going to be a bit tainted, but pleased to be seeing everyone.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 14/04/2019 16:26

Aw your dh is lovely. As is your dh.

Don’t let her ruin your day! IF she tries anything, ignore it and concentrate on the others.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 16:26

Weird of your mum not to acknowledge what she’d said before, but it’s good that you’ll get to see everyone.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 16:27

Suggest talking to your H about what you do/don’t want him to do as regards your family in the future - his actions were obviously well intentioned, but were overstepping IMO!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 14/04/2019 16:30

How could it not dawn on her that you might want to meet on your birthday? Is she spectacularly self absorbed or something?

Anyway, well done to your DH and DB for sorting it out - surely that's confirmation that it is not you being odd, but her.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 17:00

I'm not happy about dh doing that tbh, bit that's a whole other thread. He wont listen about overstepping as he thinks it's so kind.

OP posts:
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