Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Birthday shunned

92 replies

hipslikecinderella · 14/04/2019 10:47

I am not sure exactly how to feel about this I think I feel pretty shit but not sure if iabu.

My parents live around 200 miles from me so we don't see each other that often. At Easter they have my db1 and his gf, my db2, his wife and 2 children staying for 2-3 nights from sat-tues. They have 4 bedrooms and a pretty big house although I appreciate that's a lot.

I have a group of old school friends and we get together with all ours kids one weekend a year and this year its only a few miles from where my parents live. My mum has been making noises for ages that she hopes I'll see her as I'm so nearby, sort of guilt tripping me that I wasn't coming to her.

So I suggested lunch on Easter Sunday (which is also my birthday) all together with the family. I didn't stipulate where ie. could have been pub or at her house etc. Have a terse reply saying we cant see you on Sunday as we have your dbs and family here.

No suggestion of popping in for a coffee, no acknowledgement its even my birthday. I know if this was me I'd make a huge roast and sit the 4 kids to eat first (my 2 and db's 2) and then the 7 adults afterwards. But she isn't even thinking of alternatives, just a no.

Also being tricky about getting together on other days as the same problem - too many people. And then I dbs and I all separately go back home on Tues.

I realise this is all pretty pathetic but there is obviously a back story - me feeling like an unloved unwanted child, very low self esteem persisting - and events like this just play into it.

I do have a degree of detachment and not giving a shot, but also want to know if others think my mum is being a bit harsh here?

OP posts:
llangennith · 16/04/2019 09:16

Your DH did the right thing by you. You can't see it because you've spent your life tiptoeing around your mother's selfish feelings.
Enjoy your birthday meal and don't be drawn into your DM's dramas.

timeisnotaline · 16/04/2019 14:04

Seems rough on your dh. He stepped in, told your brother, who made it happen. This way you see family on your birthday. Would you really have rathered just moan online than see your siblings? I’m another one who thinks group email is clearly the way forward.

BumbleBeee69 · 16/04/2019 14:17

Why would you want to spend your Birthday with this woman Hmm Would you not rather spend it with your on DH and your own kids who actually love you Flowers

AnnieMay100 · 16/04/2019 14:42

She’s either being really nasty or there’s a possible surprise party they’re hiding from you. If she hasn’t got a plan then let her get on with it and have a lovely birthday with your real family.

Happilyacceptingcookies · 16/04/2019 14:54

Send the email. If any nonsense continues find an alternative way to celebrate your birthday however you want to,with whoever you want! Enjoy it and let them feel bad if they don't see you.

I have a family like yours, and I know I deserve better. I hope you know you do too.

hipslikecinderella · 16/04/2019 16:14

I'm now considering mentioning to my mum that it was dh who got bad involved and made her change her mind. From her phone call I think she believes I called db and moaned about it all so he sorted it out. Whereas in reality I was quite happy to leave things as we had - ie. not see her kn Easter day.
Should I mention to her that it was all unbeknownst to me?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 16/04/2019 16:23

You need to move how your mum feels about it to the ‘don’t care’ bucket. Why does it matter to you that she thinks you called? If you have to you can say breezily on Sunday just think if dh hadn’t called dB you might have forgotten my birthday completely mum!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 16/04/2019 17:10

If she mentions it again say that you were really surprised to hear that DH had called your DB as you'd just resigned yourself to not seeing any of your family on your birthday, and how lovely it is that you are, in fact, doing so. Try to say this when your DH is present and actively listening so he can nod agreement.

veejaygee · 16/04/2019 17:45

Gosh, how sorry I am for you - obviously there is a lot of hurting history to this story - but how I want to say "Go with as glad a heart as you can muster and with a smile for all your family". Is it possible that there is a combination of things that make her feel unsettled? Like feeling left out (even if she isn't) when you are all together, being unable to keep up and follow the inevitable various conversations that all go on at the same time, finding it hard if the children squabble or anything else that people struggle with as they get older. As the only child of an only child I envy you your big family, even with all its horrors! Enjoy your birthday x

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 16/04/2019 17:55

It’s my birthday too on Easter Sunday! High five!

Shitty situation for you OP I’m sorry Flowers

Loopytiles · 16/04/2019 19:11

No, don’t engage with your mum, let her think what she likes.

Do head over to Stately Homes for experienced posters and resources.

Waveysnail · 16/04/2019 19:17

I think your husband was sweet and protective and didn't want you sucking this up again and being treated like crap.

hipslikecinderella · 16/04/2019 19:26

Thanks I will head over to stately homes. I've been frightened to do so having taking my own dcs to one or two national trust places. But I hope I can make them feel wholly loved for who they are.

OP posts:
EustaciaVye · 17/04/2019 01:45

Dont justify your or DHs actions to your mum. It will prolong the discussion and enable her to turn it around and make her out to be the victim.

Dont feed the discussion, and if she tries to raise it have a phrase that you are prepared to use. 'Oh, so glad it was sorted and I can spend time with my lovely nieces and nephews on their birthday. We dont see each other nearly often enough so I must try and do something about it....'

Dont deviate or get drawn in. And brief DH to support you. Otherwise she will try and make out she has been trampled on, rewrite what actually happened, and make you feel like shit.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 17/04/2019 10:42

Thanks I will head over to stately homes. I've been frightened to do so having taking my own dcs to one or two national trust places. But I hope I can make them feel wholly loved for who they are

Noooo..... don't worry about that. Like many, we regularly do the national trust circuit because they have gardens and parks to play in. It doesn't mean my children aren't loved for who they are. They like to climb trees and peer into ponds and hunt for bugs and play ball on the lawns on nice days. It's not just about dragging children to stately homes and pretending all is well when it isn't...

Mistlewoeandwhine · 21/04/2019 09:42

Happy birthday Hipslikecinderella xx

ohfourfoxache · 21/04/2019 09:49

Happy birthday, I hope you enjoy today as much as you can x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page