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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex got engaged and never told me

100 replies

giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 00:33

Found out from a friend that ex's girlfriend had posted on social media they've got engaged.

I have two children with ex and the youngest in 9 months old. I was so shocked. His is with current partner 18 months so you guys do the math! It's been a tough few years.

AIBU to expect I should have been given a heads up?

OP posts:
NaomifromMilkshake · 14/04/2019 00:38

Yes, you are unreasonable the clue is in the ex.

He is Ex for a reason, rejoice in that and move on.

Iflyaway · 14/04/2019 00:41

It shows you how he is.

Onwards and upwards for you.

BackforGood · 14/04/2019 00:42

Yes, YABU. As you say "Ex".
Of course I wouldn't expect him to tell you.

Foxmuffin · 14/04/2019 00:43

Move on. Your ex sounds like a knobhead. Be grateful he’s someone else’s problem.

Wondering when to expected him to tell you if his fiancé has just announced it. Should he have consulted you first? Because that would be weird.

CupcakeDrama · 14/04/2019 00:43

no i wouldnt expect my ex to tell me tbh. neither would i tell him if i got engaged.

Provincialbelle · 14/04/2019 00:44

YANBU. This will affect your children’s lives, so you have a right to know. Of course you have no right to object or otherwise have anything to do with their relationship, but assuming your ex still has a relationship with his children the two of you need proper communication. And that means telling each other things that you wouldn’t otherwise

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 14/04/2019 00:45

Normally I’d say none of your business but when you have children it would be nice as a courtesy to mention it to you.
How old is the oldest child? Old enough to talk and be the one that ends up telling you?

SpotlessMind · 14/04/2019 00:46

I’d expect him to tell you - he is an ex but you have two children together, i don’t think it’s too much to ask to tell you rather than leaving you to find out per chance

pallisers · 14/04/2019 00:47

Of course I wouldn't expect him to tell you.

"of course" really? you wouldn't expect the father of your children to tell you that he is marrying someone??? how odd people are with their children's lives.

lovinglifexo · 14/04/2019 00:48

it’s a tough one but yea he’s ur EX you have no real right to know really.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 14/04/2019 00:57

A reasonable ex would tell you. As a courtesy, because that's what reasonable people do when they are tied to another person for life by a shared child even if they no longer have a relationship with you.

But he's clearly an arsehole who didn't bother telling you he was sleeping with someone else so I highly doubt he's going to turn into a fine upstanding man now!

Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 02:02

Yeah it was more of just to be given a heads up. Of course he's moved on etc but it came as a massive shock. As the mother of the children I just thought a text saying "hey just to let you know I got engaged" would have been ok to look for?

OP posts:
Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 02:03

@pallisers yeah I think the same. Like fair enough today to day stuff I've no right to know, but we are talking about someone being step mom to my kids.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 14/04/2019 02:06

My ex has been engaged for many years now, he didnt tell me. Seen on facbook years ago, do i care like fuck do i lol

Tavannach · 14/04/2019 02:09

He should have told you, but he didn't. The fact that he thinks/doesn't think like that will be one reason he's your ex. Have a quiet word next time he's visiting the kids that you don't expect to find out about major decisions that affect your children from social media.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2019 02:19

YADNBU to expect your children's father to tell you he has got engaged. He sounds like giant knob.

He clearly has no idea how to act like a normal person.

NumbersStation · 14/04/2019 02:32

With tavannach and italiangreyhound

For me it would be about courtesy. You have children. It might not be your business but it sure is theirs and it would have been nice for him to tell you.

Onwards and upwards. Onwards and upwards. x

midsummabreak · 14/04/2019 02:36

You are being perfectly human in your response yet YABU, instead, Rejoice! Thank God you are not tied to that cheating knob for a lifetime of wasting your love on him only to recieve lies and pain. As others say, he is your X now so who his current flame is and whether he ties the knot with them is not your concern. Better to move towards emotionally letting go and close the door to him, and you can then open the door to planning your future without a cheating arse in tow

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2019 02:41

I would post on FB "So thrilled to know that we are expecting again!"

Foxmuffin · 14/04/2019 03:33

Why does it effect the children?

My DH ex didn’t tell him she was engaged and we didn’t tell her.

I’d lived with my now husband for sometime. We eloped, didn’t tell a soul and came back married. Day to day life is exactly the same, I just wear a wedding band. There has been absolutely no change in DSS care or arrangements. So why is it so important the ex knows?

For context, the exW in this situation had a diff man every 3 months and they all met DSS. I am the only woman to have been introduced by my DH. So my DH probably felt less compelled to mention it.

PregnantSea · 14/04/2019 03:47

Sounds like I'm in the minority but I don't think YABU.

It's none of your business if he's seeing someone but if he's getting married and you have children together then I think it's very immature of him not to mention it to you. It affects your DC.

mamatoizzybee · 14/04/2019 04:14

It's unfortunate that in this day and age everything is posted on social media so it's so easy to find things out second hand before someone has had the chance to actually tell you personally, which I agree is horrible especially when it's news that will affect you personally. When was it posted? Perhaps your ex was planning on telling you after the event and it's just unlucky someone got there to tell you before he had chance?
If this was posted a long time ago and you have seen your ex since then obviously that's not on and he should have told you ! But I would like to hope he was planning on telling you as soon as he saw you Smile

Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 04:15

I'm glad I've got so many mixed responses. It's eye opening.

I am trying my best to move on, with having two kids under 2 it's very hard. Like most days it's a struggle. I'm so grateful for my kids and our family life is great. But it's hard on my own.

Since he has come back from holidays where he got engaged he has threatened me with legal action and has been trying to make life as hard as possible for me in other aspects of our shared parenting. I had no problem minding the kids for him while he was away. I haven't told him I know about his engagement but I feel like he's trying to push buttons to get a reaction.

I don't know. My self confidence is shot. I know I'm better off but it still hurts a little.

OP posts:
Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 04:17

@mamatoizzybee it was actually posted online on the girlfriends page, the same time he was at my house collecting the kids for visitation so he had opportunity to tell me in person. Or he could have emailed or text if he didn't want to do it face to face.

OP posts:
Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 04:18

I guess it's just the public humiliation of it all.

OP posts:
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