Ex got engaged and never told me

[giantnannyknickers]

Found out from a friend that ex's girlfriend had posted on social media they've got engaged.

I have two children with ex and the youngest in 9 months old. I was so shocked. His is with current partner 18 months so you guys do the math! It's been a tough few years.

AIBU to expect I should have been given a heads up?

Well there’s no way I’d tell my ex anything about my life! You already knew of her existence so it doesn’t actually make any practical difference. Quicker you can turn off any emotion re his activities/life the better for your heart and emotional well-being.

giantnannyknickers

I have been where you are now, it stiil doesn't give you the right to know what's going on in his life, i don't understand why it bother's you what the idiot does, sound's to me you far better off without him, you need to start moving on and build a life for you and your child,

I dont think he has to tell you in regards to his engagment.
Tbh though he doesnt sound like a very good catch anyway, you should feel lucky that you never married him and move on.

I think as the mother of his child you have every right to know because you will be telling his child things.

Be kind to yourself. he sounds awful and you had a lucky escape but I know it will not feel like it at the moment. Look after yourself.

My ex didn't tell me he was engaged straight away, I found out when he said he couldn't have my youngest because he was mumblemumbleataweddingmumble. I guessed straight away. And it was a week later. He had only let me leave his house a few months before but it wasn't a shock to me, his modus operandi is to cross-date all his conquests. And to move on very fast. All the red flags. It was made out to people that I was upset about it but I was pleased because I naively thought he would leave me alone at that point.

I have friends whose kids were only enough to understand, when they found out a marriage had actually taken place. Now THAT was pretty shitty.

makes me wonder like why waste 5 years with me and have two kids if you didn't want to marry me.

Having kids does not mean he wanted to marry you.

If you never discussed marriage, then making the assumption he wanted to marry you was wrong.

You had the kids and not being married, you left yourself in a vulnerable position financially.

Expecting the courtesy of being told by a man who cheated during your pregnancy is unreasonable.

He's demonstrated his lack of respect for you in his actions.... this should not be a surprise to you.

Don't bother asking him about it and good luck with moving away from him. You'll be fine in the end.

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers you. More fool the new GF...she has lovely cheater as a fiance.

@SandyY2K I'm
More mad at myself for ignoring all the red flags to be honest.

I wish I could move on and I'm hoping this move home will help. We are currently 17 thousand km away from family and friends on the other side of the world. So I've been pretty isolated throughout all of this. Had to have a charity doula at the birth so I wasn't completely on my own.

Just how long does it take to heal a broken heart? It's been 18 months already!!!! Why am I still upset by this? Why does he get to be so happy when he has put us through so much emotional and financial abuse?

All the posts saying I should be glad I got away, I wish I was that strong. Having a broken home is something I never ever wanted for my kids. To everyone who says it's non of my business - I'm
Hoping to god I'll get to that stage some day. I'm tired of caring.

I know he's not a good guy. And the kids and I deserve better. But why am I still sad? Why does it make me feel so unloveable?

Re giantnappyknickers

Let me explain myself, me and my ex were married for 13 year's with 2 DD's aged 11 and 6 when i found out he was having another affair, he'd had had one 3 year's before we talked it through and i decided to forgive (i was stupid) with affair i told him to leave i was heart broken and so were the girl's, i had to put on a brave face for them i cried at night when they were in bed, i still had to get up in the morning get the girl's to school and go to work even though i felt like screaming, my ex didn't pay me as much as 1p child support even though he was taken to court, i worked overtime when i could i was so tired, gradually i started to feel better and get on with life, just after a year of separation i met my DH and were together for 22 year's before he died of cancer 5 year's ago, my ex has had another 2 partners and another 5 children, the way i see thing's he didn't pay a bean toward's his girl's so i have nothing to thank him for, I'm not at the least bit interested in his life, although when i met my DH he didn't like it but that's another story, you have to get on with life for you and your children he's not worth it.

I'm sorry to hear about your partner but I'm glad you had 22 years with him. It sounds like you met a really great guy.

I'm looking at going back to uni when I move home and I have set up my own business to keep me busy now. I volunteer when I can which I love. So I'm doing all the practical things people say to get on with life. I enjoy our family life 100% now than before. I think my confidence has just taken a beating.

I mean she's a 22 year old french student! And I'm mid 30s after 3 kids. Who wouldn't feel unattractive when your comparing?

@happyhillock thank you for sharing your story

Re giantnappyknickers

Thank you, all i can say is life does get better especially if your going back home to be with your family, when my ex had his first affair she was a prostitute also his 2 married friend's were with her to, one of his friend's caught something and his wife was pregnant all three of us wives had to be tested i'd never felt so humiliated, thankfully we were all okay, as i said i forgave him for the sake of the girl's but not the next time, my grandmother used to say women are stupid when it comes to men! I guess she was right, do you really think this 22 year old student will stay with him? I don't, he's feeling like god's gift at the moment, i'd be surprised if it lasted, my ex is with someone 20 year's younger than him to which he's had 3 children the youngest being 5 year's old he's 58, is he happy from what i hear he's not, karma's a good thing, i wish you all the very best, there is light at the end of the tunnel

SandyY2K I'm
More mad at myself for ignoring all the red flags to be honest.

Never mind. Not only have you got the cheating to get over, but he's gone and you have 2 young kids. It's hard work.

Nobody ever wants a broken home for their kids, but when you're being mistreated, it comes a time when you must put yourself and your DC first.

Is he agreeable to you leaving the country?

Is even a half decent father?

I don't think YABU, he could have mentioned it to you. Whatever you do, don't say anything to him about knowing - he'll love knowing you're bothered by it..it'll wind him right up wondering if you know or not.

He is an utter arse.

A good, decent man would have told you personally, out of courtesy for your feelings and also out of respect for the fact that you are the mother of his children.

But a good, decent man he is not, as evidenced very clearly by his conduct previous to this.

You are better off without him, most definitely, but it will take time for your emotions to catch up with your rational take on the situation.

It’s normal to feel like shit OP.
I would concentrate on getting your kids out of the country and getting their habitual residence as your home country, whilst your ex is distracted with his current french fiancée.
You have to focus on your future and get tough with yourself.
I presume you are from Oz ,/ New Zealand. Just check out The Hague convention situation. You don’t want to be stuck in the UK because your ex won’t let the kids out of the country.

I think YABU.

An engagement means the square root of fuck all.

I would expect him to tell you though if he’d married due to the legal implications

@CurlyWurlyTwirly I got a
Court order to relocate. We literally have been in family court for a year and just settled 3 weeks ago. There's no way I'd risk leaving the country without written approval to go as he is the type of person to say we can leave and then call border control. So I guess the good thing about all of this is the court system saw how much
of a struggle it has been for us and allowed us to return.

I will mention it came up during family court that he was laundering money through
Her bank account so he didn't have to declare it as income in family settlement. So she actively participated in this. Which doesn't sit well with me either. There's 2 very small kids involved. I don't understand why you'd want to hide assets to their detriment.

@NameChangeNugget I hope to god I get a heads up about the wedding so I can book
A wknd away for it!

@giantnannyknickers If you haven't already done so you really should have counselling. I had hypno-psychotherapy and can't say just how much of a lifesaver that was. It helped work through why i ended up in a shitty relationship with a narcissist and why I allowed myself to be treated in that way and also helped me break the emotional connection to the twat. We were together for 28 years and married for 26 and had 2 DC's. His last affair was with a 25 year old (so young enough to be his daughter) and only 3 years older than our eldest. They recently got engaged and he didn't bother to tell me and he makes our youngest keep anything like that a secret. Thanks to the counselling I give not a single flying fuck 😄

He has no duty to tell you BUT it he was a decent guy he would have told you as you have children together.

My ex announced that him and his girlfriend was having a baby on Facebook without telling DS. I couldn’t care less but he didn’t tell DS about it. Would of been okay but we bumped into a friend of my mums/relation of my ex who had seen it on Facebook and she assumed DS knew (an easy mistake to make) and she asked DS if he was looking forward to being a brother again? DS looked baffled as he had no idea they were having a baby! Different scenario I know 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like he’s best out of you life tbh!

Don’t blame you OP!

I do not think YBU. He sounds like a selfish idiot.

I'm not sure his girlfriend having a ring on her finger really does change the children's lives yet. If he had moved girlfriend in with him you should know as that affects the children. If girlfriend had gotten pregnant you should know as that will affect children.

But really why should you know this news before all her friends and family? If she is anything like many women she will have posted it on social media quite quickly so when should he have told you? Before he asked her?

If they set the date and want the children involved in the wedding then tell you but just agreeing to marry each other really isn't much to do with you yet.

YABU I think.

As you have a 9mth old together, the common courtesy would have been to tell you. You are not unreasonable at all, pay no attention to the witches!

@Shootingstar1115 that's horrific! Your poor DC they defo should have been told.

I'm not sure has my two year old been told. She is very verbal and hasn't mentioned anything but I'm not sure she would understand.

@redastherose that sounds terrible! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. 28 years is a long time, so I should be grateful I got out after 5.

I'm going to a beautiful Counsellor who has gotten me through my whole pregnancy and birth: To be honest I don't think I could have made it through without her.

I guess my confidence (like any woman) is low just after giving birth, and secondly I was shoved aside for a much younger girl. He told me 3 months post partum after our first that I had let myself go. And started acting like a single guy: so I've felt like a single mom to the two small babies for a long time. When someone shows you through they're actions that they can't stand to be around you and to treat you as if your shit
On the end of their shoes it begins to eat into your soul. You question your self worth and wonder why you aren't good enough.

I'm trying though, I'm trying to learn to love myself again.