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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex got engaged and never told me

100 replies

giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 00:33

Found out from a friend that ex's girlfriend had posted on social media they've got engaged.

I have two children with ex and the youngest in 9 months old. I was so shocked. His is with current partner 18 months so you guys do the math! It's been a tough few years.

AIBU to expect I should have been given a heads up?

OP posts:
mamatoizzybee · 14/04/2019 04:28

@giantnannyknickers hmmm yeah I would also have expected him to tell me if I was in that position then. Just as a heads up, oh by the way kinda thing as it will have a impact on your child.
If he is unaware you know, maybe he is still building up the confidence to tell you because he is embarrassed to tell you. I must say I hate social media for this sort of thing, it's so impersonal and 'braggy'. , and it's a horrible way to find thing out.

If he doesn't tell you himself the next time you see him, maybe drop it in conversation so he knows you are aware. Or drop him a text or something - but leave it enough time as you see fit to give him the opportunity to tell you first .

DistanceCall · 14/04/2019 04:47

Don't look at their FB pages. (Personally, I would recommend getting off FB altogether, but I understand that many people share pictures etc. there).

I understand you are upset, but it sounds like he wants to hurt you. Don't let him. Upwards and onwards.

Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 04:48

I think it might be better to leave sleeping dogs lie now.

I guess I'll find out about the wedding and kids via 3rd party sources down the time too. And maybe my heart will have healed a bit more by then.

He didn't treat me right and is still not treating me with any respect so I have to remind me self of than especially when I start to question why wasn't I good enough. I gave him too kids.

OP posts:
Hanab · 14/04/2019 04:54

Wait a second ... did I read correctly? Your youngest is 9 months old & he is in an 18th month relationship?

you guys were/are sleeping together?

Makinitup · 14/04/2019 05:34

@giantnannyknickers - He sounds like a complete knob, and his 'future wife' is in for a rough time ahead. How could any woman end up with a man with two kids under two that he doesn't bother with? I can't help but be disappointed in women who give these men the time of day.

Sorry you have to deal with him for the rest of your life, I know the feeling. He was inconsiderate but if I were you (and I have been) I would move on and leave him in the distant past. Understand that he is just not capable of being a decent human being and unlikely to be a good father. You and your kids deserve better. x

Hanab · 14/04/2019 05:54

Please excuse my stupidity with my previous q 🙈

🌷

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2019 06:10

Of course he should have. You have children together My initial thoughts?
1 what an arsehole
2 what an idiot his stbw must be
3 you are so much better than this
4 thank you lucky stars for a lucky escape
5 your poor kids
Anything else??

Sux2buthen · 14/04/2019 06:14

We didn't tell my partners ex. We already lived together so not much changing fir stepson.
None of her business
Doesn't sound like it's the child aspect that bothers you anyway, if you're saying it's about public humiliation.
I'd just ignore it

AnyOldPrion · 14/04/2019 06:42

Well there’s every chance that the engagement means almost nothing to him. Some people get engaged as a thing in its own right, rather than it being a genuine declaration of an intention to marry. An engagement won’t really affect your children in any significant way.

Anyway, sorry he turned out to be such a knobhead. Hopefully in time, you’ll see you had a lucky escape. I imagine it’s very tough right now, but he’d eventually have been a knob to the children as well, had he stayed.

nettie434 · 14/04/2019 06:47

especially when I start to question why wasn't I good enough

That’s really sad. He is the one that comes out of this looking bad. If he couldn’t tell you about his other relationship, he was unlikely to tell you about the engagement. What mummyoflittledragon said.

midsummabreak · 14/04/2019 08:48

You were too good for him, as you didnt have any problem maintaining respect for your loved ones and honesty to your partner while in the relationship.

He has shown you he does not have the ability to be in an honest relationship
Do you have any family or friends nearby ? you and your children come first. Do something nice for yourself today

Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 18:39

@Hanab you're post made me giggle! Yes that's how babies are made Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 18:42

@Mummyoflittledragon that's! I might screen shot that and remind myself of it when I'm questioning things!!!

I know deep down I'm better off. It's just embarrassing. I feel like everyone will think I'm a dud.

OP posts:
Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 14/04/2019 18:45

@midsummabreak we have just been given court approval to move home so that's happening in two weeks time. So will have family support to help with the kids. And hopefully with a bit of distance I can start moving on.

This wknd already he's threatened legal action over the kids and has refused to drop them home after visitation. He's just going out of his way to be as difficult as possible.

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 14/04/2019 18:48

@BackforGood
But they share 2 children who are quite young so it will impact on OP’s life.

Spidey66 · 14/04/2019 18:50

Normally I'd say 'mind your own' but if you have kids with him, that makes a difference. The children should be priority for both of you, and for this reason you should be civil enough to tell the other about any life changes which would affect them. And getting engaged is such a life event. But clearly I'm in a minority here.

Ghanagirl · 14/04/2019 18:53

@Sux2buthen
Did you tell your stepson?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2019 18:55

I feel like everyone will think I’m a dud
Nope. They’re the duds!!

I hope you have the children back by now. He’s using them as weapons. Horrid horrid man.

BackforGood · 14/04/2019 18:57

Indeed Ghanagirl - both under 2, so they will not know or understand or have any awareness of this "change in relationship status". It would be different if the dc were 7 and 9 or something, and you would be having to have conversations with them.

He's just going out of his way to be as difficult as possible.

Sorry, I thought you said you were 'moving home' and You were putting distance between you ? Hmm

I get that you and your ex are obviously not together for a reason, and there will be bitterness there, but in terms of the relationship your dc are going to have with their father, you need to try to take that out of the equation.

user1486131602 · 14/04/2019 19:04

Well, why would he tell you?

Having said that, if it's out there, why not send congrats to them from the 2 kids, ages included on her page....that ought to piss them off!

Then he save his lies and betrayal for her!

But, the best response is no response. Move on and leave the lying snake to someone else!

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 14/04/2019 19:05

Found out from a friend that ex's girlfriend had posted on social media they've got engaged.

This person is not a friend. This person is a shit stirrer.

I feel like he's trying to push buttons to get a reaction. how so? it was his new partner who did a status update about her life - you're not her FB friend, she wasnt point scoring from you.... you really do need to take a step back and flip this round - shes the one now lumbered with him and you've wriggled away and have a whole new life to look forward to.

JacquesHammer · 14/04/2019 19:07

Ex-h told me because we’re still friends.

I think the amicability of the split and the relationship thereafter has bearing on whether you think it’s important to tell your ex partner or not.

Ghanagirl · 14/04/2019 19:13

@BackforGood
So when children stay with their Dad wouldn’t you want to know who was going to be participating in the care on a regular and ongoing basis?
That seems a bit odd particularly as OPs ex doesn’t appear to put his children first

viques · 14/04/2019 19:33

grannyknickers the most significant word in your opening post is current I am willing to bet that this fiancée is probably the first in a long line of fiancées that your ex will rock up with over the next few years. just be thankful that your time of being his significant other is long gone.

I imagine he will get tired of being awkward daddy soon and will either reduce contact with his children (shame for your children in one way but maybe not in others) or settle into a pattern of seeing them that ostensibly suits you both, but be prepared for the cancellations at short notice when something better comes up!!!

Just remember that you have two children who with your help and support will grow up to be better, kinder, more responsible human beings than their dad will ever be.

Witchtower · 14/04/2019 19:40

No way are you BU. You have children together so your lives will be effected by each other’s.

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