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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The baby is still napping: valid excuse for being late?

98 replies

JustTwoMoreSecs · 13/04/2019 18:10

I’m interested in your views:
Two families arrange to meet up mid afternoon in a public place. The meet-up time has been decided together. Both have two DC under five, but only one is a baby (18mo).
The family with the baby messages around the meet-up time to say they will be late because the baby is still napping so they don’t want to leave the house yet.
Is that a valid excuse and is the other family (us) BU to be annoyed?
It is not a once off thing.
They are really good friends and this won’t affect the friendship of course, but still... I’m getting tired of having to entertain my two and waste time in random coffeeshops while we wait.

OP posts:

fluorescentorange · 13/04/2019 18:13

I think they are BU, but then I am rather intolerant! Why can’t they just wake him up in time to go out?

Ribbonsonabox · 13/04/2019 18:16

Some people are really uptight about babys naps.
I'd not let it get to me. I have a friend who is very uptight about her baby. She will cancel because the baby is not in a good mood, the baby had a bad night, the baby has napped later than expected. She is quite an anxious person generally and she is a first time mum though...I just feel a bit sorry for her I dont feel annoyed.

If you dont want to wait about for them though I think that's fair enough just to say that. Just go home or get on with your day. I think then they either wont do it again because they hadn't realised you hate waiting for them so much... or they will keep doing it because they are genuinely uptight and anxious about the baby.

Slicedpineapple · 13/04/2019 18:16

My friends are late for this reason all the time. It is a minor inconvenience to me but I never think they are BU, because they probably savour that time so they can rest or get things done, so I never mind at all. Part of spending time with people who have babies/toddlers. Sometimes babies over sleep and I certainly wouldn't want them waking them just because of me.

BelulahBlanca · 13/04/2019 18:20

My baby fits around my life. Obviously if she was poorly it would be different.

Bear2014 · 13/04/2019 18:20

I would be annoyed waiting in a coffee shop. Maybe meet in a park next time?

Damntheman · 13/04/2019 18:21

I don't think it's an unreasonable excuse to be late. Waking a sleeping baby is murder. But you're also not unreasonable to be annoyed by it. Honestly she should be getting ready to leave a while before the meeting point so could have given you notice of lateness before you'd had to leave the house (in theory). Try not to let it get to you.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/04/2019 18:22

I think that different arrangements need to be made. Meet early morning, late afternoon or somewhere that you can enjoy and doesn’t matter what time they arrive.

Some kids are just awful if you wake them or don’t settle at bedtime etc. I also think it’s unfair to wake them if they need the sleep unless you absolutely have to, so if make plans around that.

I’m really flexible with meeting up with people, I don’t really mind if they’re late or if they want to wait for the baby to wake, but I’ll meet them somewhere the kids will be happy playing so it doesn’t matter. Preferably somewhere that serves coffee too 😀

Smoggle · 13/04/2019 18:23

Not valid, utterly ridiculous. And really rude.

If they're good friends I would tell them how rude I find it.

Seeleyboo · 13/04/2019 18:25

I have a friend who does this constantly. Winds me up becasue I am then stuck trying to entertain 2 children waiting for their arrival. Do we order food or wait or what. Final straw came for me when my two had a meltdown and I just reasoned with myself as to why I am putting myself under this pressure. It only took one time after this for me to respond to her late text with.....huuuuuhh. I'm not waiting. I'm off home. You have one to consider i have two. She's never done it since.

Butchyrestingface · 13/04/2019 18:27

How long are they keeping you waiting? I would not be impressed at having to cool my heels entertaining my own young child in a cafe waiting for them to show up.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/04/2019 18:27

If they were a really tiny hard to settle baby maybe but at 18 months?

Susanna30 · 13/04/2019 18:27

It depends. Were you already out, at the agreed location when you received word they would be late? If so, that's rude. To leave you hanging around. If you were still at home it's not so bad and I wouldn't be annoyed.

I do get frustrated with friends cancelling / changing times / showing up very late if it happens more than a couple of times.

Original poster

JustTwoMoreSecs · 13/04/2019 18:31

Yes I agree not a huge issue, which is why I don’t really want to make it a big deal by discussing it with them.
I used to wake up mine from naps when we had something planned, but I don’t know how their baby reacts when woken up so I don’t walt to judge too much.

OP posts:

HeyJupiter · 13/04/2019 18:32

Tricky one.. my son is 16 months and if he’s woken from a nap early he’s often fairly grumpy so it would have an impact on the rest of the day. He’s a terrible nighttime sleeper so is dependent on day time sleep to catch up. Having said that I wouldn’t plan anything at a time that would be likely to clash with his sleep so probably could have been better organised by your friend.

HeyJupiter · 13/04/2019 18:33

Oh OP, just saw your last comment. I think that’s really fair of you. Some toddlers really struggle if woken up before they are ready.

Original poster

JustTwoMoreSecs · 13/04/2019 18:33

Butchyrestingface Anytime between 15 and 45min.
Usually they let us know when we have already left home which in a way I can understand as at the time we leave they might still be on track if the baby wakes up in the next 10-15min for example.

OP posts:

hammeringinmyhead · 13/04/2019 18:34

YANBU. I give mine an extra ten mins or so then transfer to the car seat. Otherwise I'd miss baby classes and appointments.

Mammylamb · 13/04/2019 18:34

I found that with people with toddlers or babies, often they are late or can’t go at the last minute for a variety of reasons. That’s why I prefer meeting in a group or in a place where I’m happy to hang out on my own with DS: in case people are late (or can’t manage out). I always estimate that if there are 4 of you meeting up; at least one won’t make it

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/04/2019 18:34

I don't think it's unreasonable to prioritise babies' naps over going out, there are all sorts of babies and all sorts of families and people have to find a way through the early years. For some babies naps affected the whole of the rest of the day.

But parents who do this should make people they are meeting aware that meet up times may be fudged because of this and give them a chance to back out and they should give plenty of warning (not wait until the actual meet up time) when they can see they are going to be late.

You know they are like this so I think getting annoyed is unreasonable (though it sounds like they could give more notice). But it wouldn't be unreasonable to change the way you meet up so you aren't left hanging about for them. Maybe instead of having a set time you can agree they'll text you when they're ready to go so you can arrange to arrive wherever you're meeting at the same time. And YWNBU to decide it isn't worth meeting up so much or to prioritise your own kids' needs for, say, eating at a certain time, over meeting up when it suits your friend.

UnalliterativeGeorge · 13/04/2019 18:36

At 18 months one of mine would be absolutely fine if woken up and go about the rest of the day with minimal whinging. The other would scream blue murder if woken and then be a grouch all day.

Then again I'd only organise to do something with the second one if I knew I wouldn't have to wake him so swings and roundabouts really! Or arrange to go to my friends house so I could leave him napping in the car if I really had to.

Butchyrestingface · 13/04/2019 18:36

Butchyrestingface Anytime between 15 and 45min

Fuck that. Seriously. You’ve got little kids too, right? Why should you have to fanny about waiting for them and entertaining your bored kids? I’d just go ahead and order and they can join you mid-meal.

Cranky17 · 13/04/2019 18:37

I once was meant to meet a friend at 2pm in a soft play place, cost a reasonably amount to get in. She was an hour and 45 mins late, by which time my children were hungry and had enough. This was all because one of her children were sleeping.

Surely she could have rung before if she put him down late, or if he was sleeping at normal time then she could have woken him up.

She did this a lot we don’t see each other that much now

scratchyfluffface · 13/04/2019 18:37

I would be pissed off, not because they needed to delay meeting but because they waited until you were due to meet to make the decision. They would have known the baby was still asleep at the point the were meant to leave!!

Boom45 · 13/04/2019 18:37

When mine were babies I'm not sure I'd have woken them from a nap even if the house was on fire. Napping was a rare joy and very necessary for all of us.

MustBeAWeasly · 13/04/2019 18:41

I am your friend. My 1yo dd keeps changing her naps and I can't keep up with her. My friends and I keep arranging to meet up and I end up messaging 20 minutes before saying she's not up. If I wake her early she'll scream the place down, then she'll be grumpy for the rest of the day so I spend our meetup ignoring them trying to calm her. And then she won't sleep at night because she's overtired and I'm up every hour dealing with her.
Have you forgotten how hard it can be? Cut your friend some slack

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