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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The baby is still napping: valid excuse for being late?

98 replies

JustTwoMoreSecs · 13/04/2019 18:10

I’m interested in your views:
Two families arrange to meet up mid afternoon in a public place. The meet-up time has been decided together. Both have two DC under five, but only one is a baby (18mo).
The family with the baby messages around the meet-up time to say they will be late because the baby is still napping so they don’t want to leave the house yet.
Is that a valid excuse and is the other family (us) BU to be annoyed?
It is not a once off thing.
They are really good friends and this won’t affect the friendship of course, but still... I’m getting tired of having to entertain my two and waste time in random coffeeshops while we wait.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 13/04/2019 19:19

It’s not a baby, it’s an 18 month old toddler.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/04/2019 19:22

My opinion is based entirely around my personal experience so this may be wildly different to the majority.

If he baby is under 6 months old and parents are really sleep deprived then they need to be cut some slack - if you've spent 10x in the Las 24 hours trying to get the baby back to sleep, and they suddenly sleep before you go out, it feels so so wrong to wake them up and if they've ad a bad run of sleep then they probably need it.

Older than this, then most babies are in some sort of routine and need less daytime sleep generally and are a bit easier to manipulate. Most older babies you can put to bed a bit earlier if you know you've got to be out a bit earlier for example. Or if they're in a stricter routine then meet friends before or after nap time etc and work around it. Apart from if a baby is ill then it shouldn't be that hard to work out in advance when the baby is likely to be napping.

Unless they've had a complete nightmare o a baby who still hardly sleeps and need all the nap time they can get

Farmerswifey12 · 13/04/2019 19:23

@loopytiles in my experience that should apply more to toddlers. My baby I can rock back to sleep easily, my toddler is just the crankiest person to walk the planet when tired

Loopytiles · 13/04/2019 19:25

Well that’s fine, if you don’t arrange to meet people when they may be napping or grumpy. Not fine to waste other people’s time.

carringtonm · 13/04/2019 19:25

My friends and I seem to have defaulted into a unwritten rule of texting before we leave to check that the other is on track. Then if my son is still asleep when I get the text, I'll reply saying that I'll let the know when I'm ready to leave. They do the same too, and then we all leave at the same time. It's worked out so far.

BackforGood · 13/04/2019 19:28

I was expecting you to be talking about a newborn, in which case I would be saying to cut them some slack. By 18months I would expect the parents to be working around it if they had agreed to meet someone.

As you said it wasn't unusual though, just don't agree to meet them "out". Either meet in the morning (so no chance of clashing with the nap), or get them to meet you at your house, so you aren't out, twiddling thumbs and trying to occupy your own dc.

Raggerty54 · 13/04/2019 19:32

It’s a hard one. I’m not used to toddlers so I wouldn’t know how they’d react to being woken. My ds is 4 months and if I have to be somewhere I just try to transfer him to the car seat/pram. Normally, he’ll wake up but I just get on with it. I’ve been like this since he was born so I think I would be annoyed if someone cancelled plans last minute because of a nap. I wouldn’t be bothered much if they were a little late though, it’s hard to be on time with a baby.

caffeinebuzz · 13/04/2019 19:36

I have a friend who does this all the time. Our toddlers are the same age and I've generally planned naps / snacks / meals around the meeting time. By the time she shows up an hour late DD is usually getting either bored, restless, tired or hungry and we end up being the ones to cut the meeting short.

One offs or illness are obviously different. But I think to regularly make plans you know you're unlikely to stick to is selfish.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/04/2019 19:37

Everyone else in my mums' group does this (all our babies are 9-10 months) and it drives me a bit mad because I always wake DS up if we need to be somewhere. They probably think that that's why we're the ones who have failed to develop a solid routine, though!

I do think at the very least they could have let you know earlier.

Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 13/04/2019 19:40

Ooh a tricky one! I hate both lateness and waking my sleeping 15 month old! My DD won't sleep at all unless she's in her blacked out room in her bed. I simply don't make plans to meet anyone around her nap times which are reasonably predictable. I miss out on lots of baby groups and meet ups with friends because I prioritise her sleep but she would be miserable and unhappy if I woke her up early and no one would be able to have fun in that scenario anyway.

I have friends who are always late, I'm talking half a day late! They say they'll come over about 11am and rock up at 3pm! Really pisses me off! Now they have a baby it's even worse and they are less apologetic because they feel the baby justifies lateness. I hardly see them anymore because I'm sick of walking along a freezing cold seafront waiting for them to turn up for an hour or being in soft play until my DD is bored and my friends haven't even arrived!

Mississippilessly · 13/04/2019 19:42

I think the responses are so split because it depends on the type of baby people have had and how many they have had. I have a terribly sleeping 7 month old and I'm afraid I would cancel. That being said I try to arrange things when he is most likely to be awake and I do my best to get there - e.g..the other day I met a friend a 40 nine drive away, DS needed a nap so I left early and let him sleep in the car while I say on the bloody driveway then drove to my friends. That way I was only 10 minutes late and he had a nap.
Clearly if I go on to have more I wont be able to do this and I will probably relax about naps but at the moment this is how we operate.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 13/04/2019 19:45

It is tricky and does depend on the kid I think. I was lucky, DS wasn't much of a daytime sleeper, but would continue to nap in the buggy/car seat if he was moved and he really needed it. If woken he'd be a bit groggy and cuddly but no major tantrums or anything. But I could see how a grouchy shouty 18 month old could make it hell for anyone. I do think they should think about their timings though and def let you know earlier. And I agree you are well within your rights to go back home/order food/move on etc if they are later than say 20-30 minutes.

mommybear1 · 13/04/2019 19:48

Can't abide lateness however having a baby that's DOES NOT SLEEP means if he goes down I let him - plans be damned - to be fair all my friends know this and I let them know as soon as he goes down. I need him to sleep and find sleep breeds sleep - if the baby is a contented baby and can nap anytime anywhere different story

LetsDoThisAgain · 13/04/2019 19:49

A 1.5 year old isn't a baby, they should have woken their toddler up.

Peakypolly · 13/04/2019 19:50

Two things make this behaviour not valid IMO.
18 months old - not a baby
Second child - always allow some special rules for pfb.

mirime · 13/04/2019 19:54

DS hated napping, would stay awake as long as possible, then sleep for two hours and howl the place down if we tried to wake him early. He couldn't be moved without waking him up. If he didn't get the two hours he'd be grumpy and bad tempered.

I'll be honest, for the most part I didn't arrange to meet people.

iolaus · 13/04/2019 20:01

I think you need to contact the person you are meeting BEFORE THEY would leave the house - whatever the reason

That said I was never strict with nap time so it wouldn't have been something I'd have done - and it drives me nuts when people are late (can accept 5 minutes )

peachgreen · 13/04/2019 20:01

My baby is a terrible napper. No way am I waking her up when she's finally asleep unless there's an absolutely unavoidable reason. She'd whinge and grump all afternoon too!

randomsabreuse · 13/04/2019 20:02

My DD was more of a pain if woken from a nap at 18 months/2 years than as a baby. She was foul to be around - hyper and bitey/hitty. Not much socialising could happen in that mood...

Hobsbawm · 13/04/2019 20:04

If this was an unusual occurrence, I wouldn't mind. If it happened regularly I'd get annoyed.

I find parents with only one child/their first child are more like this. Once you have two or more and have to get the older ones to activities/classes, collect them from school, etc it's just not possible to be so precious about whether the younger one gets woken - even if the baby is awful when woken.

Original poster

JustTwoMoreSecs · 13/04/2019 20:05

At least I am glad I am not the only one with friends like this, nor the only one irritated by it.

OP posts:

ToeSocks · 13/04/2019 20:09

I read this and feel bad , I'm currently on maternity leave and every time we say a time to my friends or mum I'm always late not due to nap but something always happens ! Im working on it ☹️

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 20:18

Absolutely nothing got in the way of DDs naps. People forget that sleep is really important for children and for us missing a nap or cutting it short was really not a good thing for DD. If anyone was pissed off that we were late, then tough. But, we knew when she’d nap and wouldn’t have organised anything that got in the way of it.

Was it really a problem to you that they were late? Surely you could have just enjoyed your day out.

icannotremember · 13/04/2019 20:21

It wouldn't annoy me but I wouldn't always wait for them. My brother and sil are like this. That's fine, we're all different with out dc, I don't get remotely annoyed but sometimes it's not convenient for me to wait for them so I go ahead with whatever we were planning.

Caterina99 · 13/04/2019 20:22

It would annoy me. I have an 18m old (and a 3 year old) This happens to me all the time and it does irritate me. Either wake them up or don’t arrange to meet us when it’s close to nap time.

But then my kids have pretty set routines so I know what time they’d usually wake, and if they do sleep longer then I’d wake them cos they’d have already had a decent nap.

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