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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my kids or anyone else's to be rude to me?

80 replies

daffalicious · 13/04/2019 12:48

First off my DC are 10/ 12 and 20 so I have already experience of the change that comes over your kids thanks to hormones, moods etc.
All completely normal. They may try some back chat or a sulky tone/ groan/ excessive sighing/ outbursts.
But I always firmly remind them that we can talk about anything but I will NEVER EVER accept anyone being rude to me. Much less my own children who I work hard to provide for and love with every inch of my soul etc and in my own home..NO NEVER!
My go to line is "I'm fighting the world all day and will not come home to cook, clean and fight off rudeness from my children!"
We are all a bit dramatic and temperamental in our family but this firm line I have to maintain as I could not cope with what I see around my friends and their kids sometimes. I see this as first point of nipping in bud. A line that can never be crossed.

My kids friends are spoken to with respect in our house and if ever a gentle reminder that I appreciate a yes please or a no thank you..or a hello when shuffling through my kitchen.. it's only once and then their parents will remark with astonishment that their kids are always beautifully mannered at my house!

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend whose 2 daughters are so OTT rude that I just can't make any plans with her as I don't enjoy being in that situation where her kids are so rude to her and she constantly appeases them. (she also still immediately stops adult conversation every time they speak to her at age 10 and 14 so it's hard to having broken conversations) I just think if she would have squashed the tantrums at toddler age and insisted on basic respectfulness she wouldn't be suffering now. And she does suffer, they are stressful to interact with and she reads a lot of self help books to understand their behaviour. She thinks it's impossible to expect kids not to be rude to you and that not allowing them to express themselves will lead to disastrous consequences.
Other friends seem to just accept it's normal for kids and especially teenagers to be rude to you.

So AIBU since I feel like I'm going against the grain and demanding basic minimum manners and letting it be known I don't tolerate rudeness?

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 13/04/2019 13:03

I completely agree with you.

However, the majority of parents in their 20's & 30's, think that you shouldn't tap a child on the bottom, even if they are ruse to you/bite you/kick you etc. That is why there are loads of badly behaved brats about these days, imho. Parents are afraid to actually parent.

vampirethriller · 13/04/2019 13:05

I agree.

StrawberrySquash · 13/04/2019 13:08

I'm not going to claim I was never rude to my parents, but I agree with you. To a certain degree if you expect and accept rudeness that just becomes the norm. I knew I wouldn't get away with it. I knew my parents set certain standards and so I lived up to them. And I find it frustrating when I see other parents accepting the unacceptable.

Windowsareforcheaters · 13/04/2019 13:11

Yep no excuse for being rude whatever your age.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 13/04/2019 13:13

I don't allow adults to be rude to me either. I don't think age comes into it.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 13/04/2019 13:14

I’m often surprised at the ease with which some primary-aged children switch between the polite, respectful way they speak to me and other teachers, and the demanding, rude unpleasant creatures they become the minute they are picked up by their adults. And how the adults meekly accept attitudes they wouldn’t tolerate in another adult.

Windowsareforcheaters · 13/04/2019 13:20

Treading I know!

I teach older teens and when we get parents in I am embarrassed at how their children speak to them.

There is no way they would speak to me with the contempt they address their parents. They can behave they just choose not to with their parents as there is no respect there.

lyralalala · 13/04/2019 13:23

Obviously all kids have their moments, but I do think there is a lot in how you expect them to behave. I help run an after school care and playscheme and there are always parent helpers surprised by how well behaved they are on trips and I firmly think there is a lot in that they are expected to behave and speak to adults (and each other) properly.

A lot of people I know have the attitude of "that's just the way they are", but parenting is hard. It's relentless when they are little, but that's what is needed to not end up with a really rude child imo.

lyralalala · 13/04/2019 13:24

Also though I think a lot is shown by how the adults in a household speak to each other, and the kids. If the adults speak to each other like shit on a shoe it's not really a surprise that the kids end up doing the same.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/04/2019 13:27

Parent your own DC.

Do not parent mine.

Aragog · 13/04/2019 13:30

think that you shouldn't tap a child on the bottom, even if they are ruse to you/bite you/kick you etc. That is why there are loads of badly behaved brats about these days, imho. Parents are afraid to actually parent.

No idea why an adult hitting a child is deemed by some to be a good form of punishment. There are far more effective methods parenting around that resorting to using you physical strength to control a small child. Hitting does not equal good parenting.

FWIW I was brought up without being hit and I am polite and courteous, and was as a child.
Likewise I have never hit my own child and she is a well adjusted, polite and well mannered teenager.

Aragog · 13/04/2019 13:31

Do not parent mine.

If a child is rude to me then I will pull them up on it even if they are not my child, be them children I teach or children visiting my home. I expect good manners from any child (or adult tbh) when they are speaking to me.

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/04/2019 13:38

Do not parent mine. If a child is rude to me in my house, I will point out to him/her that we don't speak to each other like that and get them to say something more appropriate. If an adult is rude to me in my house I will tell them to leave straight away. Which way would you prefer me to treat your child?

lljkk · 13/04/2019 13:43

Do whatever you like, OP.
Maybe your friend finds your firmness just as insufferable as you find how much she appeases her kids. Better off without each other.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/04/2019 13:45

If you are in loco parentis, then that’s fine, of course. If you aren’t in loco parentis, don’t put yourself there.

TeddybearBaby · 13/04/2019 13:46

For me I usually know that something is up if the rudeness starts and I’m all for letting feelings / emotions out. I also understand (hope) that I’m the one my two can unburden themselves to without fear or judgement so I don’t take such a hard line tbh. Everyone is human. I’m sure I’m rude sometimes as well.

Spoilt, brattish behaviour as a matter of course though....... that’s not going to happen 🙅‍♀️

justasking111 · 13/04/2019 13:48

I am told that friends children are scared of me because of the look I give or pick them up on unacceptable behaviour when they misbehave, they do not quite know where they are with me. I can live with that. Grin

Having said that, it is open house here, friends can drop their kids off or I will pick them up if they have to be somewhere or are delayed. I feed them too.

murmuration · 13/04/2019 14:10

I only have a 7yo, but I don't put up with rudeness. It easy to slide into, though, just letting banter wash over you and not paying much attention - but I pull her up if I feel she is being rude, or even just leaving out "please" and "thank you" too much. We apply the niceties of social interaction within the household. If they don't learn here, where will they?

This isn't the same as not allowing her to express herself. She can express herself, and be upset and mad and all that, and shout at the world if she wants, but if she's going to direct something at me, it's going to be polite.

Namestheyareachangin · 13/04/2019 14:12

Ah my favourite Mumsnet post - the AIBU brag. "AIBU to advocate this widely admired approach to parenting? I will now make up a couple of anecdotes that imply this is actually a really niche, persecuted position that dare not speak its name and sit back while the unalloyed praise of me and slating of other types of parent rolls in."

Sockworkshop · 13/04/2019 14:17

Dont tolerate rudeness at all.
Of course you cant be rude to them either 😂
Worked well for me .I cringe when I see people smirking because their 4/5/6 year old is being "cheeky" Hmm .Its a nightmare when they are still doing it as teenagers

FrancisCrawford · 13/04/2019 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovelyJubbly67 · 13/04/2019 14:21

You are spot on in your approach. I wish other parents took the same line, society would be a much pleasanter environment.

DidTheyBeatTheDrumSlowly · 13/04/2019 14:24

Agree OP!
Unfortunately the do not parent mine brigade are gaining momentum lately.
I find it amusing that people have no problem with you feeding their DC and allowing DC hang around in your house all day and give you cheek but when you pull them up on it then they have a problem with you “parenting” their child

staydazzling · 13/04/2019 14:26

completely agree with you.

However, the majority of parents in their 20's & 30's, think that you shouldn't tap a child on the bottom, even if they are ruse to you/bite you/kick you etc. That is why there are loads of badly behaved brats about these days, imho. Parents are afraid to actually parent.
Nope, Huskylover1 I'm 29 years old, 3 kids and completely agree, as a child who experienced physical abuse the constant comparison between that and physical discipline really angers me, it really isn't the same.

Windowsareforcheaters · 13/04/2019 14:30

If you were parenting your child I wouldn't have to.

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