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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my kids or anyone else's to be rude to me?

80 replies

daffalicious · 13/04/2019 12:48

First off my DC are 10/ 12 and 20 so I have already experience of the change that comes over your kids thanks to hormones, moods etc.
All completely normal. They may try some back chat or a sulky tone/ groan/ excessive sighing/ outbursts.
But I always firmly remind them that we can talk about anything but I will NEVER EVER accept anyone being rude to me. Much less my own children who I work hard to provide for and love with every inch of my soul etc and in my own home..NO NEVER!
My go to line is "I'm fighting the world all day and will not come home to cook, clean and fight off rudeness from my children!"
We are all a bit dramatic and temperamental in our family but this firm line I have to maintain as I could not cope with what I see around my friends and their kids sometimes. I see this as first point of nipping in bud. A line that can never be crossed.

My kids friends are spoken to with respect in our house and if ever a gentle reminder that I appreciate a yes please or a no thank you..or a hello when shuffling through my kitchen.. it's only once and then their parents will remark with astonishment that their kids are always beautifully mannered at my house!

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend whose 2 daughters are so OTT rude that I just can't make any plans with her as I don't enjoy being in that situation where her kids are so rude to her and she constantly appeases them. (she also still immediately stops adult conversation every time they speak to her at age 10 and 14 so it's hard to having broken conversations) I just think if she would have squashed the tantrums at toddler age and insisted on basic respectfulness she wouldn't be suffering now. And she does suffer, they are stressful to interact with and she reads a lot of self help books to understand their behaviour. She thinks it's impossible to expect kids not to be rude to you and that not allowing them to express themselves will lead to disastrous consequences.
Other friends seem to just accept it's normal for kids and especially teenagers to be rude to you.

So AIBU since I feel like I'm going against the grain and demanding basic minimum manners and letting it be known I don't tolerate rudeness?

OP posts:
Mumsymumphy · 13/04/2019 16:19

The ones saying 'do not parent mine' I bet are the ones whose children DO have to be parented by others, because lets face it, if a child is raised correctly they are not going to need parenting in somebody else's house, so you shouldn't have anything to worry about.

staydazzling · 13/04/2019 16:31

But.... don't be that odious sanctimonious person who believes they can believe how they like towards other people's kids, I've tidied people like that away pretty quick aswell

redexpat · 13/04/2019 16:33

Tbh everytime i was called rude by teachers I dont think I was. I was questionning them on something and they didnt like it, so shut me down by saying i was rude. No one ever explained to me how what I said was rude. So if you actually discuss why something is rude and let them know your expectations then great, good on you.

staydazzling · 13/04/2019 16:34

**behave, not believe

Askingstupidquestions123 · 13/04/2019 16:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Rudeness isn't victimless. My best friend is gorgeous but she's curvy, can be a bit socially awkward and dresses unconventionally, so she's sometimes had her day ruined by kids who are old enough to know better making unsolicited personal comments in public. When my DD was a toddler, my friend asked me anxiously if I'd raise her not to be rude or make personal comments, and that's what I've aimed for. I can't bear the whole "ha ha, this one's a little monkey" thing that some parents do.

Obviously a normally lovely child acting out should be investigated as it could be a sign that something's wrong.

HarryElephante · 13/04/2019 16:38

Lead by example.

Askingstupidquestions123 · 13/04/2019 16:40

However, I genuinely don't see the point of raising a child who's polite because they know they'll get a slap if they aren't. My father's parents raised him using the "be cheeky and you'll get a clip round the ear" method. He was always polite to his parents because he didn't want a clip round the ear but, in every other context, he's the rudest man alive. When they were married, my mother used to have strangers come up to her at my father's business dinners expressing sympathy for the fact that she was married to such a rude git.

Sockworkshop · 13/04/2019 16:53

Totally agree its the contempt-they behave like this because there are no boundaries.
Its appalling parenting and they will be the poor employees of the future who are rude and disrespectful to their employers also.
They may need a "safe space" but the safety comes from firm but fair boundaries.

Purpleartichoke · 13/04/2019 17:00

Are you using similar rules of politeness towards the children? Are you offering a please and a thank you as appropriate?. Are you using similar formality towards them as you expect towards you?

I’m not ok with treating children as lesser than adults.

Windowsareforcheaters · 13/04/2019 17:01

Absolutely I am polite to my own DC and the children I teach that is why they respect me.

PinkGlitter123 · 13/04/2019 17:03

My friends kid is like this. Parents think she shits rainbows. I asked her if she wanted a drink the of day and she didn't say please so I prompted her. Got the death stare from friend as though I had done something terrible 😐

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2019 17:09

I agree OP, apart from the hitting. I refuse to call it 'tapping' because it isn't.

But I won't accept rudeness from my own or anyone else's children, just as I don't accept it from adults.

I'll give the parent a chance to say something to them and if they don't, then I will.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/04/2019 17:33

@PersonaNonGarter if your child is young, walking towards danger like a road and you aren't there/distracted for some reason then I will parent your child. You can f&&# off if you think I'm leaving your child to walk into danger.

What a bizarre post. Preventing a child walking into the road isn’t parenting, it is personing.

The OP is about discipline and rudeness and where the line is drawn and telling other people’s children not to answer back or drop litter.

Obviously, I am delighted you feel so passionately that you are swearing but I think there is no need. Smile

Ihatehashtags · 13/04/2019 18:07

You sound like a real seargent major. Not my cup
of tea at all.

Housewife2010 · 13/04/2019 18:21

I am always surprised how many visiting children never say "please" and "thank you". I always remind my children his important it is to have good manners.

AhhhHereItGoes · 13/04/2019 18:25

Pretty much every child I've had to my house has said lease/thank you or some variation.

I have heard some kids talk really nasty to their parents on the school run though. 7/8 year olds telling Mum to shut up or to go do one or they were useless.

I think a certain level of defiance is normal and although should be addressed is no massive deal "It's not fair Mum!" "I don't like you now" etc.

I think there's a little cheeky and out and out nasty behaviour. The former I leave to the parents to sort out, but the latter I have and will still intervene.

AhhhHereItGoes · 13/04/2019 18:26

please

Butchyrestingface · 13/04/2019 18:32

Nothing wrong with trying to stamp out rudeness but

My go to line is "I'm fighting the world all day and will not come home to cook, clean and fight off rudeness from my children!"

Do you actually say this? Bit intense.

MsTSwift · 13/04/2019 18:45

The sad thing is the parents who let their kids talk to them like that do it to curry favour with the child but it actually achieves the opposite - the contempt pp have spoken about. No one thinks “oh I adore x because she lets me speak to her like dirt” that’s not how people work.

HarryElephante · 13/04/2019 18:48

Do you actually say this? Bit intense

Very dramatic go to line, I thought. Straight off the stage.

Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 13/04/2019 18:57

I agree OP. Too much is apparently " just to be expected" of children/ teenagers at all sorts of stages. I am baffled at the verbal and physical abuse I see parents absorb .

staydazzling · 13/04/2019 19:28

I dont crucify parents who tap on the bottom, wrist 🤷‍♀️, as a last resort I. e constant ignoring, something dangerous I.e extreme and not listened to reason, people are human. tbh Id rather see that than a child being horrifically rude to their parents and other adults.

CarmineStarman · 13/04/2019 20:06

*Rainatnight

This is really interesting. My DC are coming up for 3 and 9 months, so tiny. I read some of the threads on here about how rude teens and tweens are to their parents and my heart sinks. People talk about it with a sort of inevitability and I dread to think that becoming my home life. It's nice to think it might not be inevitable!*

Same here! I wasn't without the occasional strop when I was a teenager but there's only so much you can blame on hormones. Some people seem to go straight from "they're too young to be properly disciplined" straight into "ah, they're teenagers, it's only normal".

flyingspaghettimonster · 13/04/2019 20:27

We are all pretty rude to each other in my house. Jokingly and with love though, it has to be done without actually hurting each other. My kids called me mumatee as a nickname instead of mummy, then changed it to "2 and a half mummatees" because I am too fat to just be one manatee. Douchenozzle and muppet or spanner tend to be terms of endearment in our house. They understand they have to say please and thankyou and use manners, but Sassy come backs and endless puns are just a part of our family life. They wouldnt do that at someone else's house though.

Yabbers · 13/04/2019 22:38

Not for children not for adults.

You’ve never snapped at someone close when you’re having a bad day? I’d suggest that’s being too buttoned up. When DD does it, she will be asked not to speak to me that way, but she will know I still love her all the same. That way she learns my love for her isn’t conditional on how she behaves. A vital lesson, especially for our girls.