To not allow my kids or anyone else's to be rude to me?

[daffalicious]

First off my DC are 10/ 12 and 20 so I have already experience of the change that comes over your kids thanks to hormones, moods etc.
All completely normal. They may try some back chat or a sulky tone/ groan/ excessive sighing/ outbursts.
But I always firmly remind them that we can talk about anything but I will NEVER EVER accept anyone being rude to me. Much less my own children who I work hard to provide for and love with every inch of my soul etc and in my own home..NO NEVER!
My go to line is "I'm fighting the world all day and will not come home to cook, clean and fight off rudeness from my children!"
We are all a bit dramatic and temperamental in our family but this firm line I have to maintain as I could not cope with what I see around my friends and their kids sometimes. I see this as first point of nipping in bud. A line that can never be crossed.

My kids friends are spoken to with respect in our house and if ever a gentle reminder that I appreciate a yes please or a no thank you..or a hello when shuffling through my kitchen.. it's only once and then their parents will remark with astonishment that their kids are always beautifully mannered at my house!

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend whose 2 daughters are so OTT rude that I just can't make any plans with her as I don't enjoy being in that situation where her kids are so rude to her and she constantly appeases them. (she also still immediately stops adult conversation every time they speak to her at age 10 and 14 so it's hard to having broken conversations) I just think if she would have squashed the tantrums at toddler age and insisted on basic respectfulness she wouldn't be suffering now. And she does suffer, they are stressful to interact with and she reads a lot of self help books to understand their behaviour. She thinks it's impossible to expect kids not to be rude to you and that not allowing them to express themselves will lead to disastrous consequences.
Other friends seem to just accept it's normal for kids and especially teenagers to be rude to you.

So AIBU since I feel like I'm going against the grain and demanding basic minimum manners and letting it be known I don't tolerate rudeness?

No harm to you but I tried to deal with my DS “tantrums”.

He was later diagnosed as autistic and they were meltdowns.

He looked normal.

Hehe! I wonder what all these impeccably behaved kids get up to away from their parents. 😂

Come on people, no one is perfect all if the time. If you think your children always say please and thank you and are never rude then you are dillusional. They are human, no amount of active parenting will remove that. They just don't do it in front of you.

The moment I behave perfectly 100% of the time is the moment I expect it from my child.

I do think there is something to be said for ensuring your child understands what you expect from them. There also needs to be clear and consistent consequences and boundaries.

None of that is acheived by hitting them.

OP, I agree with you. A couple of years ago, I was at a friend's house with DD2, who was 21. Friend's DD is the same age, and was giving friend attitude. As we were driving away, DD2 said 'if I had spoken to you the way friend's daughter spoke to friend, you'd have called me out on it, wouldn't you?' Too right I would!

And to the person who doesn't want anyone else parenting her DC - if your little darling comes into my shop and misbehaves, then I will indeed be 'parenting' them, because they aren't going to make a mess/upset my customers/pull clothes down on themselves while I am there. If you can't make your children behave, believe me, I will!

Yes my dc did misbehave and I then 'parented' them. They were told off or called out on their behaviour and punished in an age appropriate way.

I didn't smile and say "oh isn't he cheeky" like he was being endearing and not a pain in the arse.

100% agree. Teach your kids not to be rude and to respect others. It's basic stuff and the parents who either can't be bothered or are too scared of upsetting their children by having ground rules bloody infuriate me.

And just for the record, if my child is at your house and is behaving poorly, then please do "parent" them and make sure you tell me so I can deal with it too.

If they are running/scooting/skating in a supermarket, I will tell them that it is not a playground

Don’t do this - know your limits. A DC in a supermarket is (likely to be) a DC with parents in the same supermarket. Do not think you can or should parent over them.

While people on this thread might congratulate you, you are achieving zero. And if they are my DC I would give you (not them) a piece of my mind.

Obviously, if you see them shoplift - tell the staff. Otherwise, do not appoint yourself policeman of appropriate behaviour.

YANBU. You sound very much like the mother I try to be! It boils my blood when I hear the way some of my friends kids talk to their parents.

However, the majority of parents in their 20's & 30's, think that you shouldn't tap a child on the bottom, even if they are ruse to you/bite you/kick you etc. That is why there are loads of badly behaved brats about these days, imho. Parents are afraid to actually parent.

Massive generalisation. There are bad parents of all ages.

I have found it incredibly easy to raise my child to be respectful and well mannered without physically punishing them.

We are just hitting a patch of disrespect up to now its been pretty plain sailing, and like you I am doing absolutely zero tolerance.

One warning to stop the rudeness immediately before a consequence. It is remarkably effective, and has pretty much stopped the rudeness in its tracks. Yes you do need to follow through, yes it is a pain in the rear, but it is worth it. I don't want to raise children that turn into rude and difficult adults. I am doing this for them.

For me I usually know that something is up if the rudeness starts and I’m all for letting feelings / emotions out. I also understand (hope) that I’m the one my two can unburden themselves to without fear or judgement so I don’t take such a hard line tbh. Everyone is human. I’m sure I’m rude sometimes as well.

I agree with this. There is an element of home being their safe space they can let off steam. Nobody needs to be buttoned up too tight. I also think if they are kind and courteous outside the home that’s a big win. When they push boundaries at home, it’s really about them learning where the line is. Better a parent teaches them, than an adult outside.

And no there is no way I would ever resort to physically harming them in any way yabbers. Physically abusing a child is not parenting, it is assault. You are literally teaching your child to be violent.

The consequences in our home work:

Screen ban
A fine
Cancellation of an arrangement (last resort)
Being grounded
A list of chores to do to repair good relations
A written apology
A verbal apology with some thought about how they can avoid this kind of thing in the future

There is no need to ever hit a child or teenager.

Of course you run the risk if you introduce violence, one day they will be bigger than you and hit you back. Then what happens?? A fully blown fight? Police being called. This is not a route I aspire to travel along with my own children. The damage of children being physically assaulted as children is enormous and can last a life time, as well as damage the relationship (perhaps beyond repair) between parent and child forever.

This is really interesting. My DC are coming up for 3 and 9 months, so tiny. I read some of the threads on here about how rude teens and tweens are to their parents and my heart sinks. People talk about it with a sort of inevitability and I dread to think that becoming my home life. It's nice to think it might not be inevitable!

I completely agree op. Am frankly horrified by the way some of my friends allow their kids to speak to them. Hell would have frozen over before I spoke to my parents like that and my kids are the same. This wet parenting doesn’t do your kid any favours as they then speak to other adults that way and it does not go down well.

I am quite strict with my kids about manners etc (obviously not smacking or physical punishment) and other parents have commented that they're very polite....but I think that sometimes kids will act up to a crowd, or behave to fit in with their peers etc. When i invited 4 of DS friends round 2 of them were back chatting and being (what I consider) quite rude. On their own they are different. When I collected Ds from a party where he was with a group of quite loud boys he was shouting at me...probably because he had been behaving this way with the others. when we got in the car I told him that while he was shouting with the others I expected him to behave normally with me. One of DDs close friends behaves in a completely different way if certain other friends are around.

Although tbh have found that most visiting dc are delightful to me but a minority are then vile to their own parent. Which shows they do know how to be behave. My friend and I jokingly fall out as I praise her dds manners and say how lovely she is whilst my friend and her dh insist she is a nightmare

I agree, OP. I have a 7. Year old DSD and I made it clear to DP from the start that I will not try to parent her as it is not my place, but I will always insist on manners towards me. I’m talking your basic please/thank you, no whining or tantrumming to get her own way. As a result, she is the loveliest little girl to me and her dad, meanwhile her mother is having an awful time with her and can’t understand it. That must be because her mother is her “home” and where she feels safe and secure to act like a brat without consequence. Seem to be reading that theory quite a lot. Not 100% sure of it though

I don't accept rudeness but neither do I find "a tap on the bottom" in any way appropriate or respectful.

@PersonaNonGarter if your child is young, walking towards danger like a road and you aren't there/distracted for some reason then I will parent your child. You can f&&# off if you think I'm leaving your child to walk into danger.

(And yes I have done it.)

I agree with @yabbers that "There is an element of home being their safe space they can let off steam." So long as children are generally courteous (from seeing polite and respectful behaviour around them) and know how they ought to behave. Sometimes we do treat the people closest to us badly, simply because we are hurting, and know that they will still love us. I also think we can sometimes get a false impression of how rude (badly behaved) someone else's children are - the DC may be showing off/overtired/stressed and the parents not want to draw attention, knowing it's unusual behaviour.

“Letting off steam” by being vile and rude to those closest to you is not acceptable no. Not ever. Not for children not for adults.

YANBU. Though it should not just be for children. Including rudeness such as lateness that is discussed on another thread.

In meetings with parents it is the contempt children have for their parents that is most distressing.

A total and utter lack or respect and sneering contempt. The parents have failed to parent and the children realise this. Most children want and respect boundaries, think of the teachers you liked it wasn't the weak/soft teachers you remember fondly.

If you fail to respect yourself then your children will also fail to respect you.

Exactly @Someoneonlyyouknow @Yabbers. I counsel children for a living. They need that safe space. I remember being a kid and snapping at my mum. Something like ‘I’m FINNNNNNEEEEEEE!!!!!!’ She didn’t say anything but came up with a tea and said tell me what’s wrong. I burst out crying and told her how bad my day had been. She could have told me off but she knew me thank god. I was sobbing ‘I’m sorry mum! I’m sorry I was rude!’ She said ‘teddy I know you. Just tell me what’s wrong’ what a relief. I try to be the same with mine. I have nice comments about them on the whole but I like to think I know them well enough to know when there’s something else going on.