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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think always being late isn’t a quirky personality trait

420 replies

CorianderDestroysFamilies · 13/04/2019 11:39

I’m meeting my friend today and I already know she’ll be late. Normally she’ll message me at the time we’re supposed to be meeting saying she’s just about to leave so I’ll be stood waiting for 15 minutes, one time she messaged saying she would be an hour late Angry I was already at the meeting point with my DC so it was a waste of all our time.
Anyway I’ve just seen another funny Hmm meme about how someone will still be in the bath at the time they should be going out and how hilarious it all is. I just think things like this normalise lateness and justify people like it’s some sort of quirky, unavoidable character flaw when it’s actually really rude and makes people like me less likely to want to see you. So AIBU?

OP posts:
WitchyBollox · 13/04/2019 23:21

DS2 has autism and ADHD, he takes so long to get ready so I am guessing he will be one of those who struggles with time keeping.

WitchyBollox · 13/04/2019 23:25

Bertiebotts - I lost signal so I missed your post before mine appeared. DS is on medication so I wonder if that may help in later life. He usually has to get ready before taking it at the moment so it doesn't help currently.

RosaWaiting · 13/04/2019 23:31

it is really rude and it's announcing that your time doesn't matter to them

I have ditched a friend for this. We live about an hour out of Central London, in opposite directions. So I would say an hour waiting for her was the norm, until I said no more.

I did once decide to turn up late - not normally that petty - and she had decided to turn up only 30 mins late, so waited for me. She was really annoyed and said "why couldn't you have left earlier".

Game over.

cstaff · 13/04/2019 23:32

I am very time conscious and never late and keep an eye on my watch / phone all the time especially if I have an appointment to keep. These people on here who have problems getting anywhere on time and are aware of it, why would you not be particularly aware of your usual bad timekeeping and clock watch if you have somewhere to be.

I have a friend who is a bad time keeper and if I am meeting her she gets warned that if she is not there by a certain time I will be gone and I have held her to this and she doesn't do it anymore as she knows she won't get away with it.

mineofuselessinformation · 13/04/2019 23:36

XH finally admitted after we parted that he was deliberately late (for things like hospital appointments and parents evening for our dcs Angry) because he didn't like me telling him what to do.
People who can't be bothered to be on time are showing you how little they value you.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2019 23:38

People who can't be bothered to be on time are showing you how little they value you.

agreed Flowers

cstaff · 13/04/2019 23:42

@bumblbee Sure don't you know that they are more important and their time is more valuable than yours or anyone else.

NearlyVegan · 13/04/2019 23:59

My best friend and the family i am married into are like this.......I hate them all.

BanginChoons · 14/04/2019 00:11

Who knew there were all these people walking round hating people while claiming to be friends with them..

PickAChew · 14/04/2019 00:18

Nope, it's fucking annoying.

StitchingMoss · 14/04/2019 00:22

I have a few friends like this. They all think it’s funny.

Funnily enough not one of them has EVER been late for a plane.

Amazing how they can make it on time when it matters to them Angry.

Princess1066 · 14/04/2019 00:25

@Ribbonsonabox Flowers
@Absofrigginlootly Flowers

Thanks for your posts agree 100%

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 14/04/2019 00:25

I have two people like this in my life; one who like your chum knows it too so if we due to meet in Costa at 2:00 I’ll tell him it’s 1:30.

Works every time, he’s consistently 35 mins late for everything.

By the way @mineofuselessinformation my XH did this too when I applied the above logic to our marriage guidance sessions. He looked like a choked horse when he’d turn up accidentally “on time” week in week out.

GreenTulips · 14/04/2019 00:28

She was really annoyed and said "why couldn't you have left earlier"

The problem here is she doesn’t connect the two things. She hasn’t thought X is getting me back for being late, there’s no malice, just lack of understanding

5foot5 · 14/04/2019 00:31

It's funny how people who have difficulty "processing time" are never chronically early only ever chronically late.

GreenTulips · 14/04/2019 00:39

Try living with it - it’s real

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2019 02:40

I’m always either half hour early or half hour late. It’s not done on purpose so why whinge?

So anything I do by accident, even if it really hurts someone else, they shouldnt whinge about it?

I'll tell that to the person who's car my uncle wrote off "he didnt do it on purpose, stop whinging" Hmm

RSAcre · 14/04/2019 02:46

@ CorianderDestroysFamilies is a fab moniker, still chuckling.

(even tho I heart coriander, yum)

Please don't take the advice upthread about retaliating by being late yourself. The wilful, selective, flakiness (she's not late for clients) is a form of bullying/control - as folk have already observed, she's pulling rank by making her time seem more valuable than yours.

Instead, decide how long you are prepared to wait for her Say 10-15 minutes If she has not shown up by then - leave. When she contacts you to ask where you are, tell her very plainly that you were at the appointed place at the right time, got bored waiting for her yet again, so left. If she would like to make another date could she please offer you the courtesy you offer her, & be on time? - because you are done with hanging on for half an hour every time you have a meet-up.

I can't see anything else having an effect.
If she doesn't like it & flounces on the friendship, then she wasn't really a friend. It's just not decent to continually treat a friend like this.

Greeborising · 14/04/2019 02:49

I abhor lateness.
But I have a very dear friend (30 yrs we’ve known each other) who is always late.
Really aaaaalwaaaays
It drives me nuts but I know her life is totally mental with work, kids etc
Yes, it pisses me off, and I wouldn’t tolerate it with anyone else but I know that she is a true friend who would do anything for me.
Other friends give her a bad time about it, I try to be understanding
You learn to adapt!

Decormad38 · 14/04/2019 03:29

I wonder if those people with conditions that they say cause them to be late are all holding down jobs and therefore manage to get to work on time?

I had a friend who was always late. Her lateness drove me mad but what ended the relationship was that I came to realise she didn’t value the friendship. I would text and she would reply two days later. She would only text when wanting something. Lateness was just a symptom of the general lack of value.

BitOfFun · 14/04/2019 03:42
Grin
jemihap · 14/04/2019 03:55

My narc mother will always deliberately make herself late for arrangements, I think she just likes the idea of people waiting for her and also likes to give the impression that she has a busy and hectic life (she doesn't)

Lovestonap · 14/04/2019 04:35

I understand the processing issues which cause lateness, time confusion etc, but i think for many people, it's not only the perpetual waiting around which is annoying, but the complete lack of contrition on the part of the latecomer.
If someone is late, even habitually, but shows they are sorry for wasting my time I'm more inclined to be understanding.
The people who just shrug and say "you know what I'm like", well that's not really OK by me.
We've had some detailed description of how distressing it can be to struggle with time, but even those posters must agree that texting someone after the time you're meant to be meeting with 'just leaving house now' is rude, no?

IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 14/04/2019 04:54

I also hate it and don't think it's funny. My in laws have a habit of coming late to things and it gets put down to being a ' " their last name" thing' no it's not a name thing it's just a rude thing to do plus their son is never late to things and never has been 😂

saganorenscarandcoat · 14/04/2019 06:58

It's rude as fuck