To think always being late isn’t a quirky personality trait

[CorianderDestroysFamilies]

I’m meeting my friend today and I already know she’ll be late. Normally she’ll message me at the time we’re supposed to be meeting saying she’s just about to leave so I’ll be stood waiting for 15 minutes, one time she messaged saying she would be an hour late I was already at the meeting point with my DC so it was a waste of all our time.
Anyway I’ve just seen another funny meme about how someone will still be in the bath at the time they should be going out and how hilarious it all is. I just think things like this normalise lateness and justify people like it’s some sort of quirky, unavoidable character flaw when it’s actually really rude and makes people like me less likely to want to see you. So AIBU?

I had a friend like this. We’d arrange to meet for lunch at a restaurant which was 5 minutes walk from each of our offices. She was always late and I’d eventually see her strolling up the road full of “so sorry. You know how it is.”

I gave up on her when during one lunch where she was inevitably late, I showed her my 12 week scan pics and she looked at it and said “well, I’m trying to be interested...”

Lateness is my biggest peeve, I get so so wound up. Some of my friends are terrible. Recently a friend said we meet somewhere at 915, she then messaged to say she was running late could we make it 945, okay I thought I'll drive for 30min and my baby can nap, then another message, "would 1030 be okay?" I was bloody livid, went home, had a right rant to my husband and took myself off for a walk to cool down. She messaged again asking if we could meet at 11. I really didn't want to but husband persuaded me to go as I did want to see her. Since then I've gone places with my kids, if whoever I'm meeting isn't at the right place at the right time I just carry on with my kids and ignore my phone, they can catch us up or we'll just do our own thing

Its a personality flaw rather than a trait.

My mum is late for everything, she was even late for her own wedding!

She most definitely does not value her time more, or think people should wait for her.
She hates being late, it upsets her, and makes her feel shame.

The issue is she has no sense of time, but thinks she really does.

Example, the actual drive to town takes 12 minutes. She might need to be there at noon, so will tell herself she should leave by 11:45.
Then she actually gets out the door at 11:50 because she running around trying to finish other stuff.
She forgets to include the time to get out to the truck, to warm it up and clean off the snow, that she will be hopping out and in at the mailbox to grab the mail, and needs to find parking on the other end.
She doesn't think about time to take off coat or boots at the other end.
She arrives at the noon meeting at 12:10, and is mystified at how she is late.

I love her dearly, but always factor in a 10 percent leeway on timings

I hold my hand up and I've always struggled to be on time. Always ran to school and work and I hate being kept waiting.

Fine for others to be kept waiting for you though, eh @Musti?

It's incredibly rude and there really is no excuse for making it a habit. If you have some kind of problem that means you are more likely to be late, set and obey an alarm.

Ribbonsonabox
Excellent post

I agree that some people find time particularly difficult. They don’t mean to be rude.

I'd no longer meet up with this person. Constant lateness is rude. I've had friends like this in the past and would usually just leave after half an hour at the most. It's not quirky or cute. Then you have people who trot out some excuse for it. It's not on.

It's rude and deliberate - shows they value themselves more highly than anybody else - v selfish trait

It's only through reading threads like this that I have become aware of people like @Ribbonsonabox who really struggle with the concept of time. When you think about it, it is quite a complex thing to see what time you need to be there, and accurately and reasonably estimate what time you need to leave allowing for obstacles.

I do know people however, who do just leave everything until the last minute or seem to plan too much into their day so that they can't do it all in the given time. It does make you feel a bit shit.

I know one person who is always late and I would definitely say it's because they value themselves more than other people. No question about it, they are completely selfish and always very late.

I know someone else who is always late. I don't think they value themselves over other people. I think they struggle and procrastinate over leaving the house because of anxieties. Annoying but more understandable.

I totally believe that there are people who really, truly cannot rewire themselves into punctuality mode. I suspect that my own DS (ADHD, dyspraxia) may struggle with this as he grows up.

But I suspect there are a lot of others who could be punctual if only they cared enough to work on the issue - but they don’t, and they airily brush it off as unavoidable. Those people are infuriating knobs.

I guess you can only tell the difference by looking at how the person functions in other areas of life, and it takes a bit of getting to know someone before it’s clear.

People like NorthEndGal’s mum are the ones that baffle me most tbh.

She hates being late (so she says) but despite being able to explain very clearly to others why she’s always late - not factoring in the right amount of time to get ready etc - she doesn’t bother to do anything to change it.

She doesn’t think “I know I usually give myself ten minutes to get ready but I know that I am always late so this time, I will give myself 20 minutes - and then perhaps I won’t be late.”

She just carries on the same pattern and is all sad and remorseful about being late.

I often wonder about anyone who has no concept of time and uses it as the reason they are always late.
Do they have a job?
Do they ever go to appointments?
Do they have children?
Do they ever cook?
Everything we do is by the clock, and it's not easy for most people,
But most of us find a way. Set alarms, use timers, keep a written diary, look at time tables.
I sometimes spend 1/2 an hour working out how to get somewhere on time. If someone thinks Oh it's ok I've got 10 mins I'll start this" then they are saying there time is more important.
They are not prepared to lose 10 minutes doing anything as dull as waiting, but everyone has to wait for them, it's selfish.

Very inconsiderate and rude and obnoxious and arrogant and entitled.

And I am sick of people making excuses like they have problems with misjudging time or 'anxiety.'

Do they also have these 'issues' when they have to catch a train, or a plane for a holiday abroad, or if they have an appointment that they have had to wait several months for (like a hospital consultation or dental appointment?)

You can bet your bottom dollar they don't.

Same question when it comes to cinema times, theatre shows, and job interviews. I bet they manage to get to THEM on time.

It is thoughtless and self-centred, and as has been said, shows that this person values their time more than you, and thinks their time is more important than yours.

I don't buy this 'they have issues' or 'they have anxiety' line, because, as I said, they are on time when it suits them.

I have binned off everyone who has treated me like this after the first 4 or 5 times they have done it.

Funnily enough, they don't like it when you do it to them.

One couple me and DH used to know (and decided to ghost a year or so ago,) were ALWAYS late when we arranged to meet them at the pub; like half an hour to an HOUR late. Always a fucking excuse! EVERY. TIME.

So this one time (after this happening 5 or 6 times in 3 months,) we arranged to meet them at 7.45pm, and made a point of not even leaving the house til 8pm, so we wouldn't be there til 8.20pm or so.

At 8.10pm, they PHONED us, (well SHE did,) and asked us (in a shirty tone) where we were, as they were waiting for us at the pub and had been there FIVE MINUTES (So they had still been 25 minutes late!)

Un-fucking-believable!

As I said, arrogant and rude and entitled.

I know of two people like this, one a family member and one (ex) friend.

The family member was almost two hours late for her own church wedding; the priest was about to call things off when she arrived. She had taken her time getting ready, dressed, hair and makeup. Her time was definitely more valuable than ours.

The friend consistently turned up late whenever we met up, half an hour to an hour. I'd be sitting in a bar or cafe with a drink, feeling like a lemon. The last time she did it to me, I let her order her drink, then got up and left, just as it arrived.

In both cases, the lateness was a symptom of their own selfishness and displaced sense of self-importance.

Totally agree.

Everybody has been late because of a one-off emergency like a pre-schooler who needs a marathon poo just when you were going to leave but repeated lateness is a blatant lack of respect.

If you are always late to meet ups then I don't understand why you wouldn't get ready earlier next time. If leaving home at 9:45 for a 10am meet up makes up 15 minutes late then logically you'd leave at 9:30 next time.

My 12yo son isn't very organized but on school days he has like 10 alarms ranging from wake up, can't go back to sleep, brush teeth, sort hair etc If left to his devices he's get up 10 minutes before he had to leave then try to cram everything in. His sister is like me and gets ready as quick as possible then chills on her phone until it's time to leave.

I have a friend who is chronically late often by 30 mins to an hour. She also has a 50% record of cancelling last minute.

She seems to plan an inordinate amount of stuff into her day (with small DC) that makes me e.g. "just do a quick Aldi shop then I'll see you there" when we're meant to meet at 10am. Or "just take DC to quick swimming lesson"

It's like she genuinely doesn't seem to have grasped that things take TIME. Getting from one place to another, unpacking shopping, feeding DC. All takes time she doesn't factor in.

Once she cancelled about 2 hours after the event saying she had had to wait in for another friend to come and visit her first that's when I gave up on her completely.

She's a lovely person and I wish she would get her shit together because actually she has been a really good friend aside from the chronic inability to meet up on time or keep arrangements.

In my experience, the people who are always late, are often the same ones who play loud music in their house (and car,) who park opposite peoples driveways (making it awkward for people to swing in and out,) who shout and yell at the top of their voices so the whole street can hear them, who speed and tailgate in their car, and who think nothing of dropping litter in the street, and generally think the world revolves around them, and to hell with everyone else.

People who make an effort to be on time, and consider other people, are normally people who are considerate and thoughtful for the rest of the time. People who are constantly late, are not!

Yes possibly it may be due to valuing their time more than yours.

Some people really struggle with organisation and planning and therefore lateness. I find it extremely difficult. I have got better as I have got older as I have put loads of strategies in place by to help but it takes loads of effort and it is never going to be one of my strong points.

I think people who find planning easy really don't get it and assume because they find it easy, it's just lack of effort on behalf of anyone that struggles.

I loom at other people who seem to sail through daily life and wish I was them but am also wondering how they do it.

If you have poor executive functioning ability it makes everyday life very difficult. So think yourself lucky you organised, on time people!! I am jealous of you!!

For those who have some sort of condition that means they struggle with time... OK I can cope with that.

But disorganised people, there is something I just do not understand.

If you know without a shadow of doubt you are always late, why on god's earth don't you take steps to not be? By 'steps' I mean... set the cooker alarm to go off, when it goes off that is when you start showering. Then set your phone alarm, when it goes off, that means you get dressed and put your make up on. Set the cooker alarm again, when it goes off, you leave the house to catch the train//bus or walk to get to where you are going on time. Why can't people do this?

My friend is always late,at least 10 mins usually more. I am always early as I hate being late so I am always waiting at least 20 mins. I am also menopausal and I am usually so full of rage I then don't enjoy whatever it was we were meeting to do. I have just seen her for the first time since Christmas when she texted me after I had been waiting 40 mins to suggest that I had lunch by myself as she had fallen asleep and had just woke up. I didn't even reply I was so angry.
Met again yesterday and yep late again, traffic today, I just don't get it, you know there might be traffic most days, so you factor in 10 mins, why is that so difficult FFS.

@NorthEndGal yes that's me! I was late for my own wedding too.

It really isn't a choice people (obviously there are some people who are just rude but this would presumably show itself in other ways too and you wouldn't want to be friends with them).

As a tip for dealing with it when I was younger and hadn't figured out my strategies yet I was literally late for everything including work almost everyday (how I wasn't sacked I don't know).

My friends (god bless them) used to tell me an earlier meet time so that I was then usually early and they didn't need to hang around for me. It worked really well.

Do they also have these 'issues' when they have to catch a train, or a plane for a holiday abroad, or if they have an appointment that they have had to wait several months for (like a hospital consultation or dental appointment?)

In my case, yes. It is the trait I most hate in myself. I have a flight to take next week & I am already so stressed trying to make sure I get there in time.

I'm not late all the time. But I have to put ridiculous amounts of effort into making sure I'm on time. Reminders on my phone, an actual lists of tasks to do & time to do them before I go. I'm a single parent to 3 kids so lots of planning needed but I'm not using that as an excuse.

I too am somewhat like the PP's mum, and genuinely mystified about where time goes - again tho, I'm an adult in my 40s, that's not good enough.

I just work really hard at it, but it's exhausting. I don't think it's ok to be late, I agree it's rude.

I do think being late is a personality trait, just a negative one as opposed to a positive one. Like being grumpy, or messy, or easily irritated. Giving someone who is generally late to things advice on how not to be late is a bit like giving someone who is known for their grumpiness advice on how to cheer up! It’s one of my big faults (and with me it’s down to being disorganised) and I don’t expect people to find it endearing

I did have a friend who always used to arrive 10 minutes early for things though, who then used to take great delight in telling me that she’d been waiting for 15 minutes when I arrived for a 3pm meet-up at 3:05. That also got a bit tedious.