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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how much you have helped, or intend to help your children financially?

109 replies

AK86xo · 12/04/2019 19:44

Whether it be private school fees for them (I know they can't pay for this one themselves), university fees, cars, deposits for houses, mortgage free houses, weddings, private school fees for grandchildren, paying for your adult children to go on holiday with you etc.

Also do you think there is a point where helping them too much financially isn't beneficial for them?

OP posts:
BreconBeBuggered · 13/04/2019 00:19

Hahhahahahaha.

Yes YABU to unleash all this privilege onto a thread. One or two honourable/normal exceptions noted. Honestly. Most parents want to give their children what they can. For most ordinary people, it's not very much, and certainly doesn't run to cars and university fees and substantial house deposits.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 13/04/2019 00:22

I don’t see educating your children as helping them, more a discharge of obligation. But we will help as much as we can re buying houses, supporting them through university, helping them with the costs of raising children etc. It’s the decent thing to do.

MissLucyHoneychurch · 13/04/2019 08:23

Mine were on their own as soon as they could walk and forage

Grin

Those of you paying uni fees - do you mean the £9.5k annual tuition fees?

BrokenWing · 13/04/2019 08:38

We have £30k in ds's account which will go towards further education or house deposit.

We plan to pay for driving lessons when he turns 17 and get him insurance for our car (assuming still at home) to hopefully build a no claims discount.

If he wants to spend masses of money on a wedding he can play for it himself (we will give wedding gift ~£500 in cash if requested).

Rest of our money is being saved for our retirement!!

PhilipJennings · 13/04/2019 08:41

It's a difficult question OP. We had a LOT of help from DH's parents. And we did grow up a bit spoiled and used to having a comfortable life. For myself my work ethic didn't really materialise until I was in my 30s and began a career that I wasn't spoonfed to get- so I had to reach for it, and the achievement was all the more valuable.

However we both were academic and have good professional jobs, and are in a position to help our children if everything continues as it is.

From your list, between us we had: private school fees (DH), university living expenses (both - no fees for us at the time, but I did pay my own postgrad fees and living expenses - DH's parents paid his), car (DH), wedding contributions from both but not the full thing, deposit on house (DH's parents paid half of his first flat in cash).

A lot of the success we have had is due to the help we have had.

From your list we plan on paying for university, a car, deposit for first home for each of the kids. Don't believe in private schooling just for the sake of it and we live somewhere the state schools are excellent. I want to give them enough of a head start that what they earn in the early years will be enough to live independently on, and they get used to managing their own lives. DH would love them to live with us as adults- I would hate it. I want to see them leave and not look back.

And I can't think why they'd want to be going on holidays with us, but we would not have wanted to go with our parents or they with us! Although DH's parents did once pay for two nights in a hotel for his mother's birthday when we were students, I think.

SandyY2K · 13/04/2019 08:42

Not paying course fees for Uni. Paying accomodation costs plus living costs.

GuineaPiglet345 · 13/04/2019 08:50

My plan is to pay for as much as I can afford to, I want DD to have a brilliant life without having to struggle financially, and if that makes her spoilt then so be it.

My parents haven’t helped me out much even though they could have, they’re the type who think giving things to children spoils them, it meant I missed out on some opportunities and had to work as many hours as I could at uni which affected my grades.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/04/2019 08:53

The Ops never come back to these threads …. total Daily Mail fodder

SleepingSloth · 13/04/2019 08:56

Our children are only 15 and 10. We'll definitely help them with driving lessons, their first car and university. Hopefully they will be ok from then but if they ever need help, we'll be there.

We never got any financial help from our parents even though they were doing well financially. That put me off going to university and I never want that for my children.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/04/2019 09:19

DC have been promised a car when they pass their driving tests. Not brand new..or even nearly new.....just a decent little reliable car

We leased dd a brand new car because it worked out cheaper than buying a second hand one once you took into account repairs, depreciation and mots.

Weepingwillows12 · 13/04/2019 09:25

We have been saving since the dc were born but not lots (£75) a month. When we aren't paying nursery fees it will increase. I would like to help with uni, weddings, deposit etc if needed but it won't stretch that far so we will see when the time comes. What won't be doing is giving them pocket money or regular amounts as an adult. I want them to provide for themselves. Obviously my views may change.

screamifyouwant · 13/04/2019 09:30

My parents didn't have much money when I was growing up so as soon as I was old enough I got a job , if I wanted something I paid for it .
My mum has said since she felt bad as I even paid for my own school books . I guess it taught be a lesson but some things annoyed me like my dad saying that he'll pay for my wedding when I was young but as soon as I was getting married me & dh paid for most of it ourselves.
I suppose I treated my dc different, my dc goes to uni she lives at home rent free , has a part time job but that pays for travel , going out etc .
I can't afford to pay for driving lessons etc , if she wants those things she will need to pay for it .
I would definitely help with her wedding or a deposit for a home in the future although dh thinks different. He was also brought up like me if you want something you can pay for .

PregnantSea · 13/04/2019 09:36

Mine have never been able to afford to pay for any of these sorts of things but I think if they did have more money they would help out sometimes.

I think you have to make sure that it isn't expected and that you are helping a child who is also helping themselves - eg saying "we'll throw in 50% of what you save for a house deposit". Just throwing money at young adults who haven't learnt how to look after themselves doesn't help them in the long run.

TraceyLP · 13/04/2019 09:46

In relation to the part of your post that asks Can you do too much? In my experience (when I have witnessed the situation with friends) free houses that children are allowed to live in for nothing - even if the ownership is not gifted - can rob the person's self motivation to save for their own place and pursue a job or career - making them more likely to drift and lack direction. I don't think it does most people any favours in the long term. I'm talking about young people being given everything on a plate. I think it would be different if they were older with an established career/family and lifestyle. Then they would appreciate it.
Tracey

ineedaknittedhat · 13/04/2019 10:15

I'm not well off, but I've raised my son without any contribution from his so called father. I'm helping support him through university now and give him money for food, clothing and his trips abroad.

I wouldn't ever contribute towards a wedding as I think they're a waste of money and most people get divorced anyway.

Penners99 · 13/04/2019 10:21

Supported through A levels then nothing more.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 13/04/2019 10:28

I am worth fortune, well a fortune to me, if I am dead.

The only way I can plan to help out my kids is if I die before retirement age. My death in service benefit is huge, plus life insurance plus the house.

So fingers crossed that's what I do and the kids would have several hundred thousand pounds each.

Alsohuman · 13/04/2019 10:33

We don’t believe in chucking money at our kids. The two who have degrees got maximum funding based on their mum’s income, we lent money to the one who did a masters. Only one of the four is married, we gave them some money towards the wedding and a decent present.

No house deposits, no driving lessons, no cars. If everything’s handed to you on a plate you tend not to value it and in any case we couldn’t possibly have done it for four of them.

Langrish · 13/04/2019 10:40

We paid for private education (it was the best in our area until Sixth Form, where state provision is much better so they transferred/will transfer). We’ve given them the best start we were able to and expect them to step up now and succeed independently. Wouldn’t see them destitute, obviously, but big ticket stuff, holidays, weddings, housing once they’ve left the family home and private education for their kids is down to them.
We’ve worked hard for decades, did it ourselves and they’re just as capable as we are: probably more so with a more affluent upbringing than either of us could have dreamed of.
We have put away provision for an independent old age and when we go they’ll receive what’s left, and the family home between them. More than we would have hoped for.

Langrish · 13/04/2019 10:47

Also, just to reiterate too what several PPs have said: money for lavish weddings is just money down the drain.
Absolutely delighted to see signs that this ostentatious nonsense seems to be going out of fashion. Obscene amounts spent on basically crap? Just why?

AtlasObscura · 13/04/2019 11:11

I've tried to support them as much as possible in regards to education. An education is pretty much the only thing that can't be taken away from you so it's worthwhile investment.

So I've helped with living costs, books and travel to and from home etc but they have all had to work in addition to studying while away.

I have a sum of money for each towards a deposit on house but like previous posters, I would want to see this used for lavish weddings or holidays - bloody waste imo - they can pay for this themselves Smile

AtlasObscura · 13/04/2019 11:12

wouldn't want

SandyY2K · 13/04/2019 12:40

I don't believe money spent on a wedding is a waste, but if you can't afford it and have to borrow, then that would be wasteful.

My parents paid the full cost of the wedding breakfast/reception for myself and my Dsis's. They wanted to do this and felt they had a duty to make some financial contribution.

If you get divorced a couple of years down the line, I can see how you'd see it as a waste. Far too many people get married when there are existing unresolved issues, which only get worse once kids come along.

Desperation to get married makes people ignore the obvious.

I appreciate all the help I've received and dont take it for granted at all.

I've been told by a colleague my DD is spoilt because we pay for her accommodation in Uni. I see it as my parental obligation. I would never insist that she gets a job while studying, but I would encourage a pt job.

I had a job in Uni and I felt those who didn't were privileged. They could totally focus on their studies.

I think a parent who can afford to help and refuses to is selfish. Yet these same parents want support in old age...from caring, to lifts, shopping etc.

There's no point being loaded and your kids struggling IMO. You can't take money with you to your grave.

Aroundtheworldandback · 13/04/2019 12:55

Children now all adults (3 his, 2 mine) but dh still fully supports them and will help all 5 on property ladder. Know they will never stand on their own feet. He even pays their phone bills and parking fines. Ridiculous.

Alsohuman · 13/04/2019 13:04

No, you can’t take money with you to the grave but you can prepare for an old age when it will be needed for your care. I doubt very much that anyone’s kids will either be in a position or want to cough up £50k a year for care home fees. Give all your money away and you’re stuffed if you can’t look after yourself.