Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how much you have helped, or intend to help your children financially?

109 replies

AK86xo · 12/04/2019 19:44

Whether it be private school fees for them (I know they can't pay for this one themselves), university fees, cars, deposits for houses, mortgage free houses, weddings, private school fees for grandchildren, paying for your adult children to go on holiday with you etc.

Also do you think there is a point where helping them too much financially isn't beneficial for them?

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 12/04/2019 22:23

I have supported both DC through uni as a single parent.

Paid deposits and six weeks rent in advance (in London)

Paid for holidays and general treats.

Offered to pay for driving lessons but as in London, DC not interested.

No way would I pay towards a wedding - I just think most weddings are a dreadful waste of money for what is essentially a party. Would be happy to contribute towards a honeymoon though Grin

If I have the money available I would pay deposits for houses but in our area, that's unlikely as so out of reach.

I have a very good life insurance plan which will pay out heftily to the DC when I cark it.

Applesbananaspears · 12/04/2019 22:29

School fees, car, driving lessons, living expenses at university, contribution to wedding and maybe help with a deposit.

DH feels extremely strongly that we don’t pay uni fees despite being able to afford them. He is adamant that they have to invest in their own education to understand the value of it so we won’t be paying fees. He will not bend on this.

Purpleartichoke · 12/04/2019 22:33

My Job is to provide DD with a quality education. After that, I expect her to support herself.

tomhazard · 12/04/2019 22:35

I would like to be able to pay living costs through university if they go. I'd also like to be able to help them with a house deposit. I will pay for driving lessons and tests and buy them a second hand car. DH and I save each month for them with the intention of them having a few thousand each at 18 to travel/get a car/whatever but once it's gone it's gone!

I have no intention of paying school fees unless one of them fails to cope with the state system for any reason.

Purpleartichoke · 12/04/2019 22:36

I should add that where we live, a drivers license and car are a necessity, not a luxury. I will be paying for Dd’s Driving lessons, insurance, and will either buy her a car or she will be able to use mine depending on our family needs at the time. The alternative is to drive her everywhere myself until she gets a job after university, but without a license and car at the ready, I would have to drive her to that job too.

BillyAndTheSillies · 12/04/2019 22:36

My parents always told me I had 10k at my disposal. I could use it for a deposit on a house, a wedding or to travel. One or the other/s.
DH and I were lucky enough to buy in 2011 when property in our part of London was still affordable and I used 7k of that for a house deposit. I ended up giving that back to my parents a few years ago because they also paid for our wedding - which was totally their choice and wasn't asked by us.

The conflict I will have in future is that DH was bought up very differently. His parents are extremely well off. His brothers have brand new cars, houses mortgage free, weddings paid for, weekly shopping paid for, furniture paid for, holidays paid for.

My pride won't let me do that, I had always worked for any luxuries I wanted and was proud to have them. DH feels we suffer unnecessarily because of this, even though we live a good life, but I refuse to feel beholden to my in-laws.

In the future, we will pay for DS (and future children's) university and provide an allowance. And he will be able to live in our second property if he wants to and we may help him with a deposit for his own but I want him to learn the value of money. And to understand how hard you have to work sometimes to get what you want, it's not always given to you.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/04/2019 22:41

I hope so.
I save a small amount each month, it will be a few thousand when they're 18.
I'd like them to use it for uni or an investment in their future.

JaceLancs · 12/04/2019 22:42

I help out as much as I can but quite limited
Both my DC whilst at university got full grants whilst at university due to my low income
They worked part time to supplement grants and I helped out by being guarantor and visiting occasionally n feeding them and doing a ‘big’ food shop
I help them now by loans eg it’s easier and cheaper for me to do an interest free credit card for things like annual car insurance than they pay the interest

JaceLancs · 12/04/2019 22:43

I also have a savings fund for weddings etc

littledrummergirl · 12/04/2019 22:48

I taught Ds1 to drive and give him a small amount while he is at university to help him have some fun. We also paid for his deposit and the equipment he needed for the first year as his loan hadn't started.
I started teaching ds2 to drive but he started a job away from home where they will pay for him to drive. I'm not sure what future help he might need but he only needs to ask and we will do what we can.
Haven't got a clue what support dd will need yet as she is still young, but again, we will do what we can to help.
One of the most important things we have tried to do is teach them the importance of a budget and living within their means.

Halo1234 · 12/04/2019 22:49

How much you give or how much you support depends on what you have....think most people would give/help their children as much as they could. Ultimately for me all our money belongs to all of us (Dh. Ds Dd and me). When the time comes I would love to help them/support them to make their adult life easier and if I have it to give its theirs (couldn't think where I would rather spend it).
Where dh and I disagree slightly is how equal it should be. We have two children and if one is lucky enough to be able to stand on their own feet and the other needs more help then I am all for spending money where it was most needed. For example one wins the lottery and one cant find employment then I would have no guilt in helping only the one who needs it. Dh thinks what u do for one u do for the other regardless of their personal circumstances. I think they love each other and will want to see the other helped. Time will tell but hopefully they will both be successful and helped equally.

MsMustDoBetter · 12/04/2019 22:59

I think that weddings are a frivolous waste of outrageous amounts money.

I will help my children with as much as I possibly can for things that bring them security, I really don't count big fancy weddings as such. If they want to pay outrageous amounts of money for a stressful day, they can save up for that themselves.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/04/2019 23:01

Both had private education, extra curricular activities (dd qualified to teach 2 ECA’s), driving lessons, car each and any courses that they want that will give them options for work in the future.

No actual cash

Shopperami · 12/04/2019 23:02

What is everyone’s opinions on parents who have money but won’t help at all?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/04/2019 23:06

private school fees for them, no as decent state schools
university fees, yes will help if degree relevant to career ir law, teaching etc
cars - yes, it's a life skill children benefit from hugely
House deposit, yes as a secure home is important
mortgage free houses, no as they need to work
weddings, definitely not as it's just a big party for most
private school fees for grandchildren, no
paying for your adult children to go on holiday with you, yes

OhTheRoses · 12/04/2019 23:06

School fees
Uni fees
Both have trusts
Fortunately both are v hard working and have inherited the careful gene.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/04/2019 23:11

What is everyone’s opinions on parents who have money but won’t help at all

The are under no obligation too. I can imagine there are all sorts of reasons to not help. Maybe they feel as adults they should make their own way in life, maybe they don't want to encourage a lack of work ethic, don't what it being spent on houses a spouse could walk away with etc. Some adult children are very entitled so maybe they need to nip it in the bud. Lots of reasons and none of the OPs spending questions were urgent or emergency things.

MissLucyHoneychurch · 12/04/2019 23:11

Mumsnet bragging thread Grin

Where is OP?

Longdistance · 12/04/2019 23:12

Well, we’ll be moving to a better town soon with amazing secondary schools.
Then both dds have money in trust and named in inheritances.
Uni fees etc will be paid by us if need be.
They won’t have anything to worry about. Whereas myself and dh did, not sure if this is giving them a disservice or not as we had neither, or whether they’d appreciate it 🤷🏼‍♀️

PanamaPattie · 12/04/2019 23:14

Mine were on their own as soon as they could walk and forage.

beenhereages1 · 12/04/2019 23:20

My parents paid for a majority of our wedding and paid a lump towards our house - not because we needed it, but because they were giving my brother money for something and wanted to give me the same amount.

They also like to pay if we go out for a meal/coffee etc. I've never taken any other money from them, wouldn't feel comfortable asking for a loan - although they have always said they'd like to think I'd ask them if I had financial trouble.

Looking to the future - we've got money put away towards uni and driving lessons for DS1 (15), will start saving for DS2 (10) once we've paid out for DS1!

Moanranger · 13/04/2019 00:03

Paid for some years in private school for both of mine, but paid nothing for uni. They both worked part time, & still got their academic work done & good degrees. Paid for DD driving lessons, & will pay for DS. DD lives away now, but tends to ask for dosh a bit more than DS. Sometimes I give it to her, other times not, & she pays me back. DS still at home post uni (arts degree so less income) but he pays rent & buys his own food. No cars, they use mine & DD buys own insurance. They have small trusts which I control for certain specific items (tax efficient)
Would not pay for fancy wedding, would give them cash in lieu.
Surprised at number of posters who pay uni fees. It’s a graduate tax & may not need to be paid off in their lifetimes.
I am carefully estate planning to ensure they have the maximum tax free benefit from my estate.

saraclara · 13/04/2019 00:09

Paid for university, and both lived with us rent free for a while after, while they saved.
I bought youngest's wedding dress (their wedding itself is on a frugal budget, but it's theirs) and I helped my eldest when she bought a property, by paying her legal fees and giving her a sum to cover moving in and setting up costs (she needed a new boiler, basic furniture (mostly second hand) kitchen appliances etc.

I plan to continue to help in similar ways. Pay for 'things' or elements of housebuying etc, where I can.

pallisers · 13/04/2019 00:13

We've paid for school, university, driving lessons. Basically I will pay for anything that helps them become educated and independent. I won't pay for weddings (and would actively encourage cheap weddings).

SandyY2K · 13/04/2019 00:14

We support DD with living costs, currently in university. Other DC goes to Uni next year and we'll do the same.

We intend to contribute to the wedding costs of our DC if/when the time comes.

Until they are working full time, we'll pay for holidays with us. If they're going with friends, they have done and will pay themselves.

DC have been promised a car when they pass their driving tests. Not brand new..or even nearly new.....just a decent little reliable car.

We would help with anything else we could manage.

My parents paid for my wedding reception (did so for all their DDs) and some funds towards the deposit on the house... and same for siblings.

If I've been in financial difficulties during the marriage, my DM has helped me out. That's only happened a couple of times, but they've helped our Dsis too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread