To ask how much you have helped, or intend to help your children financially?

[AK86xo]

Whether it be private school fees for them (I know they can't pay for this one themselves), university fees, cars, deposits for houses, mortgage free houses, weddings, private school fees for grandchildren, paying for your adult children to go on holiday with you etc.

Also do you think there is a point where helping them too much financially isn't beneficial for them?

[AppleApplePie]

My parents were very generous with private schooling, bought me a car, paid for uni, very generous house deposit (so we only had a 35% mortgage on our first place), paid for some furniture and then paid for half our wedding. Still pay for my health insurance and car insurance.

I’d hope to do the same for our DC. I always worked for our family business from age 12 in the school holidays, so they instilled a strong work effort too. The sad thing there though is that I get zero emotional support since my DM died, but financial help is always on offer.

My in-laws are the opposite. DH had a job in a supermarket from age 16, so all the way through his A-levels!! His mother also charged him rent (she wasn’t hard up and still had money for copious amounts of new clothes for herself and exotic holidays, so I judge her big time!!). He supported himself through uni and hasn’t received any help with either our house or our wedding. In fact, we now end up paying out when MIL has big expenditures that she apparently “can’t afford” (like new boiler, new car). She basically decided to retire very early without making a suitable pension provision, so she’s a financial drain rather than help. I’m bitter about it!!

[NCforthis2019]

We will pay for their private education until after university and help with buying their first house.

[ValleyoftheHorses]

DS is 6 so things will change a lot before then. He’s an only child.
My intention would be to do for him what my parents have done for me.
Private school, university fees, housing and a living allowance.
House deposit.
Wedding- if I like his bride we’ll make a large contribution- but would expect to be allowed to invite some of our close family friends. If I don’t well, we’ll still put something towards
Holidays- as long as he wants to come with us he (and his eventual partner/ children) will be paid for.
I don’t like layabouts though- he has to work hard in his chosen field.

[Putthatlampshadeonyourhead]

ValleyoftheHorses if you like his bride? Wtf?

[ValleyoftheHorses]

Don’t think it needs further explanation! If he’s marrying someone who I don’t like I’m not paying for the wedding
Hopefully I will have brought him up with enough taste to pick someone nice though

[Putthatlampshadeonyourhead]

I think that's a dick move.

Non of us like my dbros wife, legitimate reasons but its a long story. I would have been really pissed at my parents if they gave him money for the wedding based on how much they liked her.

[ValleyoftheHorses]

They wouldn’t have told you though would they? It’s up to them how much they contribute.
We wouldn’t say- “well we would have given you 10k but as we don’t like her here’s 2k”. We wouldn’t tell him we don’t like her even... you don’t do that!
As DS is 6 this is all hypothetical- these were just my thoughts on the question. Suffice it to say compared to lots of people whose parents won’t buy them a sandwich once they are 18, DS will do very well!

[Putthatlampshadeonyourhead]

I didnt say I would know. But if I thought that was my parents thought process, even hypothetically I would have judged them and I would have looked at them differently.

Who someone marries is their choice and penalizing them, even if they dont know, shows some really shady thought processes.

[celtiethree]

For my eldest we’ve bought a car, no uni support required so the money we saved for him we will give as a house deposit.

For younger DCs not sure what we will do, will depend on individual circumstances but overall it will even out. Inclined to pay for uni tuition fees as one aspect that is rarely discussed is the mental impact of the fees and DC2 would not cope well. But will look closer to the time.

Not inclined to pay for a wedding as the amounts that seem to be the current average are obscene. Happy to give some but if talking about £20k + they are on their own.

[Cornishclio]

My Dad was relatively wealthy but believed in letting us make our own way in the world so did not help us much financially. We lived near them in the London area but moved away to the South West after my DH accepted a job transfer and that enabled us to buy a bigger and better house. My mum was cross with my Dad for not helping us as she thought we would have stayed in London rather than moving 250 miles away if he had given us enough to buy a bigger house. Not sure if that would have been enough though as it was not only high housing costs which made us move away. Since my dad died my mum has gifted us significant amounts.

We helped our daughters with university, driving lessons and cars, house deposits, holidays, wedding and childcare for grandchildren. We are fortunate to be in a position to do that. They have both proved themselves disciplined with money though and we would not do it if we were not able to afford it or thought it was making them grabby.

[Serin]

State schools.
Helped through uni.
Indulged every hobby up to competing in sports at National level and supporting musical interests (tuition and instruments).
Skiing trips.
One has a car which we bought him.
We are intending to retire in the next few years and were planning to buy a smallholding somewhere rural. This has always been our dream, however I do wonder if we should just downsize and give them deposits for their own homes.

[MarthasGinYard]

We pay for dc private and will continue through.

Private health care.

Happy to pay for hobbies and special interests.

We will pay for uni and all costs involved.

Will most likely get dc driving lessons and car when old enough.

[RainbowMum11]

I will help as much as I can within reason - it's important to earn, save & have your own independence.
My DP weren't able to help me out financially, I had jobs since I was 13 (3jobs during my A-levels) , but XH family are wealthy and they didn't help us particularly but did help him & his DB with cars and stuff, but I didn't like the control it meant they felt they had as a result.
I have been putting a little bit away for DD since she was born, but she will need to earn her own way - it's the only way to appreciate and understand money & responsibilities.

[Onceuponacheesecake]

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe on here sometimes. Most of the "help" mentioned here is far out of reach for most families I know. Private schools, uni fees, house deposits? Wow.

Hopefully I can save a little bit towards driving lessons but that's as far as I can stretch.

[MarthasGinYard]

I also had jobs from 13 and will encourage dc to have a Saturday/holiday job for sure.

I remember working in a Bakery for 90p an hour.

Used to have to be up at 5

[tomhazard]

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe on here sometimes. Most of the "help" mentioned here is far out of reach for most families I know. Private schools, uni fees, house deposits? Wow.

mumsnet is the parallel universe! These threads attract people who are helping or spending a lot. Those that can't help won't talk about it on a thread like this.

I grew up with just my mum, she had little money and 3 kids. She supported us by loving us, encouraging us to have a positive attitude towards school and work, driving us up and down to uni and taking us to Tesco when she visited! She bought us each 5 driving lessons and paid for our test(s). This alone was a real stretch for her- She never gave us money because she could only just about afford to feed and clothe us.
I am grateful for her love, support and good parenting and I have developed good habits because of that, so I can support myself as an adult. Yes, it would have been nice to have some money but my life is still a good one without large handouts.

[SpeckledyHen]

Uni accommodation and living costs for 2 DC . Old car between them .
Both are hard workers - had student jobs at weekends and holidays since the age of 17 . Both just finishing uni .
Will probably help with deposits for properties when they have established their careers and shown they have saved towards it themselves.

[Ivegotthree]

I've been helped a lot by my parents: school fees, uni, deposit for flat, they paid for half the wedding.

We still have a massive mortgage though, and I haven't had a penny since the wedding which is obviously more than fair enough.

All this help hasn't harmed me at all. I work bloody hard, earn a lot of money, and hope to help my DC in the future too.

We are lucky enough to have good state schools so I see myself paying for uni (if they choose it), and hopefully helping three get on the property ladder one day.

[Bagpuss5]

It would be interesting to know if the handed on money was inherited or worked for by the DPs.
We help DCs why keep it all for the care home fees.

[Alsohuman]

Because it gives you choice. I’m not going to end my days in some shit hole the council deems fit for me because we’ve feather bedded our kids by giving them all our money. They’re young and healthy, making their own way in life (like we did) is good for them.

[MRex]

We have good schools here so I hope we won't need private school, but we will pay for that if we need to as he gets older (can never tell what will happen). Definitely driving lessons, uni fees and uni living costs because paying those myself made my early adulthood difficult; I still don't drive much because I learned much too late and was too nervous as a result, I just couldn't afford to learn alongside uni costs and then paying off student loan debts. I'd much rather that I work so he can study in termtime instead of him working. I'd like to help with a home deposit too, but it depends on how much money we actually have; right now it's all hypothetical money because we need to earn it first and save for our retirement.

I learned to pay debts and save from an early age with my own bank accounts, and had jobs from age 12, so I plan to teach DS the same and make sure he gets lots of work experience in whatever field interests him. Hopefully he'll have an easier start than many and will be well prepared to look after himself and his family after that.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

tomhazard

I am able to offer my children all these things because I have worked by arse off for years.

I grew up in and out of care on a slum estate in the north (it was definitely a slum estate because it was part of the slum clearance programme).
There was no money around for anything.

My own mother spent her time bouncing between mental institutions or trying to kill me or herself or both.

I have worked a number of jobs, going from the 10pm - 6am shift stacking shelves st a local supermarket to a 7.30am start as a clerk in a local office till 5pm that night.

Money just didn’t appear suddenly or we grew up with money.

I also don’t drink/smoke/buy clothes (I could pack every piece of clothing and shoes i own into a rucksack in under 15 seconds)

I want to give dc opportunities to work anywhere in the world and always be able to turn their hand to different opportunities if the time arises.

[tomhazard]

Oliversmumsarmy I'm not saying people shouldn't give their children money. I'm saying no one was able to give any to me and I was able to make my way in the world; same for lots of people.

[Turquoisetamborine]

My parents (divorced so various step parents etc) have helped me loads. I didn’t go to uni full time, did it part time while working but let me live in their house while they lived abroad, rent free.
Gave us 10k to buy our second home as other one is rented out. Bought us cars, paid for 6k holidays to Florida, kitchens etc.
We’ve had enormous amounts of financial help and my stepdad and Mam separately still drop food shopping off for us every week too (kids only like branded stuff which is expensive).
We will definitely be doing the same for our kids. I’m not spoilt at all just feel very fortunate.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

What I was trying to point out that I wasn’t given anything (not even feeling safe in my home) but I make sure that both dc have everything they need which might include specialist private education, brand new car(that was the cheapest option after I had weighed up all the costs and gave me piece of mind that a new car hopefully wouldn’t breakdown in the fast lane of the M1)
I won’t give cash out for deposits but for instance dd has saved enough for her first property in a very cheap area and her and her dB have the skill set to do it up.

They will go halves and I will help and advise them.

I have seen parents handing out cash to adult children and for a lot it doesn’t do a great deal of good.

One friend got her deposit for her 5 bed detached house paid for by her parents and she has a credit card that she didnt even know what she had spent as the bill is went to her parent.

Friend moved house and was between houses for a few months and spent virtually all the equity from the house sale.

They live in a small rented flat now and parents have run out of money.

I want dc to be self sufficient and not beholden to anyone over money.