Who was BU - me or him?

[Mississippilessly]

I've posted before about my very difficult 7 month old. He wont settle for DH so I do all the night wakings. At the moment this ie about every 2 hours.

We go on holiday on Sunday. DH took today off as well. My parents are coming round to take the cat. They said around lunchtime.
We have some friends locally. The men unvied my DH out for lunch. He asked me if he could go. I said yes but it would be when DS (and hopefully i) had a nap and my parents were due. I suggested leaving a key under the door.

DS woke very quickly from his nap. As I was getting out of bed to try and rock him back to sleep I tripped and whacked my knee and elbow in a trunk. Obviously DS is now wide awake. I phoned DH and was angry. While clearly this was an accident I'm upset he went for the lunch in the first place. He offered to come back but I told him to stay there.
We had an argument but he didn't get up from the table. Sp this was done inf front of people who are husbands of my friends.
I already feel embarrassed because I'm struggling with lack if sleep I csnt believe he would play this out so publicly. So AIBU to be upset that I have to parent him by making decisions and by being upset that an argument was played out in front of other people?

You were unreasonable to have a go at him

BUT

You're VERY tired, everything went tits up and you need a break.

Chances are, you put the phone down in him and ended up crying... a lot?. I was at this stage so many times with my DD.

You cant vent at the baby but you need to vent so you call someone close and vent at them, logically you know its not his fault it happened but still you just need to explode at someone. I get it.

PM me if you like? X

When DH and I first got serious he said to me that he wanted me to be honest with him: don't say yes when I mean no, don't say it's fine when it isn't, as he would take me at my word. And I've always remembered that. You didn't want to say no to your DH, but you should have. Don't feel bad about saying 'actually I need you here'. You will be faced with many occasions when it's actually ok to put your needs first: you will be a happier/nicer DW and DM if you have enough sleep, for example. YABU to say yes to DH and then yell at him - but I think you know that - but YANBU for being grumpy due to lack of sleep.

TBF, I'm not sure whether the OP should need to be telling her OH that he needs to come home, or he should go to the lunch or whatever.
It is clear from this post and previous, that the OP has reached passedbreaking point. She really can't go on any longer.
He DH should be spending every available minute, every available minute at home, doing house work/laundry/cooking, sticking baby in pram/car seat and taking him out so OP can sleep.in peace. And just looking after her.
I know he is a nice guy, but she isn't getting a minutes peace, he can do lunches in a few yearsmonths when DS is more settled.
It's not about him saying I shouldn't go to the lunch, or I can come home, he should just automatically do it! Otherwise OP feels like she is the entertainment police.

Thank you to everyone who has posted.

DH is absolutely in a catch 22 and I have recognised that. He would be very happy to have a screaming baby for hours if it meant I got some sleep - it's me that cant handle that!

However, yes as one PP said what I want is for him to just say 'right I'm doing x.y and z and you are sleeping'. But I need to be more honest with him and myself about what I need.
I have indeed cried a lot. DH has been great.

We have a sleep consultant lined up for when we get back from our holiday. It would have been lovely to do it before but I figured it was daft to do it before a load more disruption.

I still feel really guilty but DH is being lovely. However he has been able to do quite a but of normal living since DS was born so I'm not going to beat myself up for ages about it.

What it has demonstrated is that I really really do need sleep. I cant carry on operating like this and the only way of getting proper sleep is getting DS better at night. Naps in the day are of limited use.

Thank you once again for your honesty and kindness in equal measure.

That is EXACTLY it. I feel like he should just be doing these things and not asking because I do try and say yes because I dont want him to have a shit life. I do feel like the entertainment police and it's a bit crap.

Oh my goodness I was you and I understand. I breastfed for the first 11 months and my DH used it as a excuse to not help. I didn't sleep more than hour at a time in nearly a year. When he asked to go places I felt like I had to say yes as he wasn't actually able to do anything at home. When he went I spent the whole time crying and wishing I was him, resenting him. Now I've stopped breastfeeding and he helps I am like a different person. The baby sleeps in the night and I have gotten upto 7 hours in a row sleep! We are a happier couple and I just wish I'd stopped feeding earlier so he could have helped more (we couldn't pump for some reason!). So I can totally understand. Unfortunately you were being unreasonable in this case but don't blame yourself! Know you aren't alone and you need to be happy too. I spent so long killing myself for the baby, not having any sleep or energy and you know what, in a few years he won't care or remember if I would have left him for the night to sleep at my mum's/in a hotel! Get yourself a break and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel

It sucks, but you need to start looking after yourself as far as possible. I've had a variety of babies who won't settle at night with dh but fine during the day, so you need to sleep when you can, whether that is early evening or daytime.

If dh is off, ask him to take the baby out. No matter how hard dh tried, babies still made noise that woke me, so he'd take them out for a few hours so I could rest. Combine it with doing the weekly shop for bonus points, or take baby along to lunch etc.

Postnatal anxiety is possible, not just depression, so if you feel too anxious about stuff, its also worth a chat with your gp or hv.

So DH cant win. If he is happy to have the baby then you are going to have to let him if you want some sleep. Yes its hard but ultimately its the only way you will get some sleep.

However he has been able to do quite a but of normal living since DS was born so I'm not going to beat myself up for ages about it.

Because you’ve insisted on doing everything so DS won’t settle with him. DS didn’t get that way all by himself. You can’t control everything with DS then blame OH for carrying on with life.

I haven't insisted. I'm trying to get DS on a bottle. We are trying to get him to settle for DH but there's only so much crying I can deal with.

And yes, he did get that way all by himself.

As hard as it is if you dont put up with the crying then nothing will change.

The thing is right now we need to get to a stage where he can go to bed and stay there. DH or me is almost irrelevant- we need to get him sleeping decent amounts. Hence the trainer.

Is he still sleeping on you or does he go in his cot now?

We did this thing called 'the no cry method', you go in every time the baby cries, don't talk just shhh until they settle. First night I think went in 24 times the second night 12 and third night a few, then he slept through (apart from teething). I think it only worked that well becuase we stopped night feeds though? Is worth a try. I promise you, from your posts I think I was in your exact situation and it does get better . Honestly looking back being a martyr and the sleep deprivation wasted the whole first year with my baby! Trying to be the best mum by giving everything to him ended up with me being so unhappy I didn't enjoy him!

From experience, if you don't want him to go somewhere, tell him straight.

Don't say yes but expect him to read between the lines that you are exhausted and would much prefer if he stayed at home. Then you silently seethe and when you inevitably blow up at him, he thinks you're being unreasonable because "you said I could go".

Yes I'm definitely resolved to sorting it but am hoping a sleep trainer will be able to help us. Part of me wishes we had tried to do this before but I do think the hol will be disruptive.

Sounds like you really need that holiday!

I really, really do. I dont think I knew how tired I was. I feel like a zombie.

I just feel so guilty and so bad that I embarrassed him. He deserved a lunch ffs.
Anyway. Will try and move onwards and upwards.

I guess in just tired of having to say 'yes u can do stuff'

I think you're just tired, OP. Well, beyond tired, really, absolutely bloody knackered and at the end of your tether. It makes the best of us look for someone to blame when no-one's to blame, and take our anger out on those closest to us. And I bet you resented him relaxing with his mates while you were so shattered, and had to get up to see to the baby.

Explain you need him to step up before you completely lose it due to lack of sleep, and ask him to get up for the baby while you're away. Hopefully, you'll get some rest and come back feeling better.

I just feel so guilty and so bad that I embarrassed him.

Honestly, it's fine. His friends will understand. Men honestly think we're all slightly bonkers so this is nothing. NOTHING.

The best advice I ever got for stuff like this was, "Ever see a cat fall off a wall? Does it cry? Does it get embarrassed? Does it want to talk about it? Noooooo. It shakes itself then carries on as if NOTHING happened. Be the cat."

Haha that's great advice thank you!

If you can't deal with the crying then that is your issue. It sounds like dh wants to help but you aren't "letting" him.

Babies cry. They cry when their routines change, they cry if someone else settles them, they cry just because sometimes. However a 7 month old doesn't "need" you like a newborn. If you are BF then obviously they need to be fed. But they don't need to be fed every 2 hours overnight. Your baby isn't being deprived by having your husband settle him. He may be upset because it's not what he is used to (I'd question how you got to 7 months without dh being able to settle him but you're here now so need to make the best of it). You have to give your dh the chance to learn how to settle him, and let ds realise that he doesn't need you for everything.

I was back at work full time when mine was 7 months. I couldn't be awake every 2 hours. Sleep deprivation is awful. The short term pain of baby crying will be outweighed by the long term gain of a well rested mother. Once you can function properly again you will stop resenting dh.

@Mississippilessly my doctor told me something 12 years ago when I was crying my eyes out in his office; a sleep deprived, unholy mess.

He gave me two pieces of advice:

1. A baby can’t fall off the floor (this was in response to me saying I didn’t want to always be strapping him into stuff but I needed to be able to get on with things).

1. No child ever died of crying.

He was properly old school but he was right. Now, he wasn’t telling me to leave my child to scream he was just saying that the crying wasn’t harming him so I needed to relax.

He was great. And he was right. The crying might sounds like a bag of cats, but it’s not hurting the baby.

So let dh have him sometimes while he’s crying. It’s not damaging him. And you need a break.

Dermymc baby would originally settle for DH but has slowly become harder. He will sleep for DH in the day - in the sling, car or pram, it's just the nights are the issue.
And no, I don't know how I have done 7 months either.