Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Who was BU - me or him?

124 replies

Mississippilessly · 12/04/2019 12:46

I've posted before about my very difficult 7 month old. He wont settle for DH so I do all the night wakings. At the moment this ie about every 2 hours.

We go on holiday on Sunday. DH took today off as well. My parents are coming round to take the cat. They said around lunchtime.
We have some friends locally. The men unvied my DH out for lunch. He asked me if he could go. I said yes but it would be when DS (and hopefully i) had a nap and my parents were due. I suggested leaving a key under the door.

DS woke very quickly from his nap. As I was getting out of bed to try and rock him back to sleep I tripped and whacked my knee and elbow in a trunk. Obviously DS is now wide awake. I phoned DH and was angry. While clearly this was an accident I'm upset he went for the lunch in the first place. He offered to come back but I told him to stay there.
We had an argument but he didn't get up from the table. Sp this was done inf front of people who are husbands of my friends.
I already feel embarrassed because I'm struggling with lack if sleep I csnt believe he would play this out so publicly. So AIBU to be upset that I have to parent him by making decisions and by being upset that an argument was played out in front of other people?

OP posts:

ArabellaDoreenFig · 12/04/2019 13:00

Ok so honestly you were being unreasonable in this situation, but it honestly sounds like you are feeling at the end of your tether, is this part of a bigger picture of resentment that’s been building up?

Do you feel like when DH asks if you mind if he goes out that actually you can’t say ‘yes I mind’?

Does he know you feel this way? Can you sit down and have a proper chat about it together?

GaspingGekko · 12/04/2019 13:04

OP I get where you're coming from - I've had two terrible none sleepers and I've always done all the night wakings.
The exhaustion is crippling and if I understand you right you need him to step up and decide himself what to do for lunch, how to deal with your parents arriving to take the mental load off you.
Unfortunately if you've never been through it you can't understand it so your DH is going to need you to explain it to him.

That said I think you were VU to call him angrily when he's at a lunch you said he could go to, for something that wasn't his fault and then refuse for him to come home.
You need to be kind to yourself and to him too. Put this behind you, rationally discuss what you need and go have a fab holiday.

Drogosnextwife · 12/04/2019 13:10

He asked you if he could go (doesn't really need permission), you then hurt yourself and phone him to shout at him Infront of his friends? Why are you angry at him because you hurt yourself. DS will never settle with DP if you are going to do all the child care. Sorry OP but you are being a martyr.

QforCucumber · 12/04/2019 13:11

@Mississippilessly you don't have to say yes though? He asked if it was ok, you could have easily said 'I'd rather you didn't today, I was hoping for a sleep and mum is coming over for the cat and we still need to pack'

Original poster

Mississippilessly · 12/04/2019 13:11

I've apologised and am a sobbing mess.

I'm.just struggling between being the wife I want to be and the wife I am at the moment.

I should have said I. It would have been fine to say no. I suppose as I say I'm just tired of being the one to constantly say yes or no.

OP posts:

QforCucumber · 12/04/2019 13:13

How annoyed would you have been though if he just said 'I'm going out today for lunch, see you later' ?

Windowsareforcheaters · 12/04/2019 13:13

Or he could of said " I'll stay at home and make sure you get some sleep".

Original poster

Mississippilessly · 12/04/2019 13:14

I'm.not trying to be a martyr. I just want some sleep!

OP posts:

FrozenMargarita17 · 12/04/2019 13:19

Ah op you sound exhausted, I know what it feels like :(

daisypond · 12/04/2019 13:19

Is it more that you feel that you are having to make all the decisions by yourself?

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2019 13:21

Op, you're just tired, that's all. It's hard to function reasonably when you're exhausted.

UCOinanOCG · 12/04/2019 13:21

You hurt yourself, woke the baby and then took it out on your DH who wasn't even there. I think you need to ask your DH to take your DS for a good few hours this afternoon or tomorrow to allow you to get some sleep. Hopefully he can step up when you are away and let you catch up with rest. Lack of sleep is literally like torture.

TacoLover · 12/04/2019 13:25

You said DH could go out, you then tripped and got pissed off so called him to tell at him, he offered to come back yet you still told him to stay there, then came on here to complain about him?! What could he have possibly done wrong in this situation??

JaneEyre07 · 12/04/2019 13:26

Talk to your health visitor about sleep training.

You can't carry on like this

DelphiniumBlue · 12/04/2019 13:27

Next time get him to take the baby with him so you can get a proper nap!
YWBU, but so was DH - he must know how tired you are, and could have offered to take the baby with him .

PinaColadaPlease · 12/04/2019 13:28

You sound exhausted.

Your DS is not going to settle for your DH if he's not making any attempts. You should have told him that you were going out for coffee/lunch whilst he settled him for a nap.

LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 12/04/2019 13:28

Yes, you are being U. But you're also knackered and irritable. Have some sleep when DH gets back.
Then go on a spa day!
and sleep

Enjoy your holiday

Greatbigterribleshart · 12/04/2019 13:30

You're knackered and the issue here isn't the argument you've just had it's the fact that everything is falling on you. You're probably peeved that he even asked to go out when you are running on so little sleep and the idea that your own child can't settle with his own dad. Time to make a change and get dad to actually do some of the night wakings. It will be bad at first but your baby has to get used to daddy and can't develop that bond if he doesn't get up with him in the first place.
I would hope your friends reaction would actually be "she must be so tired right now" because we all know having kids is hard work and not to be judgemental about it, especially if this is a one off event.

Windowsareforcheaters · 12/04/2019 13:30

What could he have possibly done wrong in this situation??

He could have stayed at home so she could sleep.

Sleep deprivation makes you unreasonable you need help. You need someone to tell you to go to sleep and reassure you you are not being soft. You don't need people asking to go out so you feel like you are the police and are ruining their fun.

You need help because you get to a point where you can't help yourself. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture.

Drogosnextwife · 12/04/2019 13:31

So make DH play a part in looking after his child, don't tell him it's ok to go out with his friends and then shout at him. It's passive aggressive and it's not going to get you anywhere. Tell him he needs to take DD for a few hours while you get some sleep. If D's cries he cries he will just need to deal with it. Is your DP being selfish?... Yes, do do something about it or he will keep being selfish because it's easier for him.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/04/2019 13:31

I don’t understand either why you rang him angry??? yes the row should have been away from the table
Tonnes Of sympathy over sleep deprived misery xxx

AFistfulofDolores1 · 12/04/2019 13:32

I think that perhaps you're not asking for what you need, but keep giving, and giving - and expecting your DH to notice and to take up the slack. But what if he won't? What if you need to do what he does, and let him take responsibility for some things at home?

In a way, you've done this yourself. Maybe that's what pisses you off the most. Time to take back some autonomy, and get what you need.

It's hard having a child. Not just because of the work and the exhaustion, but it also has a way of draining your sense of yourself - your identity. You become someone who is devoted to everyone but the person who matters the most: you. (And, yes, you do matter the most, because if you don't look after yourself, then there is nothing to give to anyone or anything else.)

Have you spoken to your GP, too? It sounds like you might be teetering on the brink of post-natal depression. That can make everything seem impossibly overwhelming.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/04/2019 13:32

Also oh just needs to get on with learning how to sooth him at night he can wear your nightshirt so he smells of you etc

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/04/2019 13:33

You are bu. Your DC will learn to settle for Dad if you let him do it and dont take over. And if you dont want him to do something when he asks dont say yes

Drogosnextwife · 12/04/2019 13:34

Talk to your health visitor about sleep training.

Or talk to your DH about getting involved, it's not just your responsibility to sleep train your child, or do all the night wakings and care during the day.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5