Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Who was BU - me or him?

124 replies

Mississippilessly · 12/04/2019 12:46

I've posted before about my very difficult 7 month old. He wont settle for DH so I do all the night wakings. At the moment this ie about every 2 hours.

We go on holiday on Sunday. DH took today off as well. My parents are coming round to take the cat. They said around lunchtime.
We have some friends locally. The men unvied my DH out for lunch. He asked me if he could go. I said yes but it would be when DS (and hopefully i) had a nap and my parents were due. I suggested leaving a key under the door.

DS woke very quickly from his nap. As I was getting out of bed to try and rock him back to sleep I tripped and whacked my knee and elbow in a trunk. Obviously DS is now wide awake. I phoned DH and was angry. While clearly this was an accident I'm upset he went for the lunch in the first place. He offered to come back but I told him to stay there.
We had an argument but he didn't get up from the table. Sp this was done inf front of people who are husbands of my friends.
I already feel embarrassed because I'm struggling with lack if sleep I csnt believe he would play this out so publicly. So AIBU to be upset that I have to parent him by making decisions and by being upset that an argument was played out in front of other people?

OP posts:

notangelinajolie · 12/04/2019 13:34

I don't blame you, you sound knackered and I think your falling over just tipped you over the edge. You probably shouldn't have played this out in public but I think you realise that. Being unreasonable is perfectly fine every now and then especially if you are exhausted as you clearly are. I think your DH should have picked up on the fact that you are tired and shouldn't have even considered going out. However, not everyone has psychic powers so I think you might actually need tell him how you are feeling. Talk to him.

outpinked · 12/04/2019 13:35

YABU but you’re sleep deprived so it’s understandable.

HBStowe · 12/04/2019 13:35

On this occasion YWBU because you said he could go, and then phoned him up to have a go anyway.

That said, you were physically hurt and you’re clearly sleep deprived and those are both good reasons for why you’re on a short fuse. I would apologise to your DH - remember that it was you who phoned him for a fight, knowing he was with others, not the other way round. Explain that you’re tired and that the current system of you doing all nights isn’t working for you. Come up with a plan that gives you back some sleep.

viques · 12/04/2019 13:39

I understand you are frustrated because the baby won't settle for him, that's an issue, but he can be a daddy in lots of other ways , eg take the baby out so you get a break, or better still take over full responsibility for the baby when you both go out together. Do more stuff in the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping ,washing etc so you don't feel it's all down to you. Send you off for a sleep or out for a coffee or a meet up with friends while he parents the baby at home, next time suggests he takes the baby out with him when he goes for lunch with his friends.......

HumphreyCobblers · 12/04/2019 13:45

I had several occasions when I behaved like this after long term sleep deprivation. You were unreasonable, but you just wanted your DH to WANT to stay at home so you could get some sleep, rather than making you decide if he could go and have fun or not. Thus feeling bad because you were stopping him for having fun. I totally get the resentment about being put in that situation, but you have to say no, I need you to stay and home so I can get some sleep.

I can cope with little sleep for quite a long time, so it sometimes caught DH by surprise when I stopped coping (no one can cope forever on inadequate or broken sleep!). When I learned to be clearer about my needs and to stop being guilty about them, family life went better.

Strugglingtodomybest · 12/04/2019 13:46

Please ask your DH to do more, you need to get more sleep. Getting him to take the baby out for a walk while you sleep in a good one, I can remember not being able to sleep if the baby was in the house because I was so on edge.

Quartz2208 · 12/04/2019 13:50

Is he being the husband you need him to be though you seem focused on you as a wife but you are so tired you need him to step up and help
He should not have asked you were clearly so exhausted you needed him

TraceyLP · 12/04/2019 13:54

Your husband needs to do some nights with the baby. (assuming your not exclusively breast feeding so he can). If your house has more than one bedroom when your husband has the baby make sure you have a room to yourself, close the door and sleep. Leave them to it. Your husband will cope. Make it as easy as you can e.g. cartons of formula if baby has bottles in the night/even a device for bedtime story on you tube to calm and distract if things get hysterical. If you are exclusively breast feeding think about mixed feeding - you cannot go on like this.

NameChangeSameRage · 12/04/2019 13:54

You could have asked him to stay and look after the baby while you slept- you didn't have to say yes to him going (or is there a big drip feed here?).

You were quite unreasonable to call him and get angry.

Nousernameforme · 12/04/2019 13:57

Oh you sound so tired. I remember what is was like when every little thing can just tip you over.
You are going to have to rein it in though. DH wasn't at fault here and you've apologised so put it behind you.
From now on you are going to have to mark out time for you to recoup some sleep. Just give baby to dh for the afternoon and say that you are going for a sleep. He can wake you when baby needs a feed and then take him again

OoohAyyye · 12/04/2019 13:59

You sound very tired OP but it was unfair to call him. Just explain how tired you felt and apologise. We all have moments of rage so don't feel embarrassed.

I have no sleep deprivation tips or baby sleep tips but hopefully some other posters can help.

Technonan · 12/04/2019 14:05

I think you need to give clearer signals, or better still, try and discuss what you want/need from each other at a time when you are feeling calm. I get it that you are really tired and this makes everything a thousand times more difficult. Your attitude to your DH seems a bit U. You are annoyed because he has to ask you, but this is presumably because he doesn't know what you want/need, especially if you are telling him it's fine to do something and then getting upset when he does it. He must be very confused.

I get it that you are very, very tired. I've been there and I know how overwhelming it is. Two possible things - your priorities right now are your baby and getting enough sleep. Focus on those. Everything else will keep. The other thing is, are you sure your ds won't settle for your DH? Have you really persevered? And have you tried with you being out of the way - if you are there, your ds will want you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/04/2019 14:14

There is a very good reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture! It is horrible to go through, and I can understand why you reacted in this way, @mississippilessly - don’t beat yourself up over it.

You need to look after yourself - and you know that means getting your husband to do more for the baby. It is possible that he doesn’t realise just how exhausted and ground down you are - he knows how much you are up with the baby, but maybe he hasn’t fully appreciated how tired this is making you.

Can you sit down with him, apologise for what happened today, and explain that sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation is totally messing you up at the moment, and you need him to help more at night, and to take the baby during the day, so you can catch up on a bit of sleep?

Don’t beat yourself up about this - we have all been there, to some extent, and being that tired is a truly horrible feeling, and it really does mess with your mind.

It will get better, I promise. In next to no time (or what will feel like no time) you will have a teenager, and if you can pry him out of bed before midday, at the weekend and during holidays, you will be happy!

ChicCroissant · 12/04/2019 14:16

Please consider speaking to your midwife or health visitor for some help OP, I know that you are tired but you are making it absolutely impossible for your DH to win here! Get some help, could your mother look after the baby for a couple of hours instead of picking up the cat?

You are not going until Sunday, don't worry about the packing and the cat today!

IvanaPee · 12/04/2019 14:19

Oh, OP, sleep deprivation makes us crazy. It is the worst part of the baby stage.

You need to sleep. You just absolutely need to.

When he’s back from lunch, apologise but tell him how tired you are. Tell him you need help.

I don’t know if it’s possible for him to pick up the slack a bit for night feeds? But when he’s home he can take over and you can go to bed.

TheViceOfReason · 12/04/2019 14:22

OP, you know you were being unreasonable to have phoned him and been angry... but you are also exhausted and sound like you are at the end of your tether.

You need to say to your other half that you are exhausted and need him to step up - you want him to recognise you are knackered and rather than making you choose what he should do, he needs to say "look Miss, i'll take the baby and wait for your parents, you go and have a sleep".

Equally, if you didn't want him to go, then you need to say so.

Don't beat yourself up about it and waste energy being upset - learn from this - talk to your partner and TELL him what you need. Yes, it would be great if he recognised you need more support, but help yourself by spelling it out.

TacoLover · 12/04/2019 14:27

You don't need people asking to go out so you feel like you are the police and are ruining their fun.

He also offered to come back home when she rang him and yelled at him, yet she told him to stay there

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/04/2019 15:17

Hi OP

It sounds to me like you were both being a bit (understandably) unreasonable.

You for shouting etc which you know. But I understand why you're annoyed. When you're tired you need extra help, even if he cant do much it might have made you feel much better if hed said his friends had invited him round but he wanted to stay and watch the baby incase they woke, so you could sleep. By asking you hes absolving himself of the responsibility of it. If you say no then you're the big meanie who didn't let him go out, and so you feel like you have to say yea even if you're struggling and then you can't change your mind or anything and he can claim he didn't know how much you're struggling as after all you said yes.

You need to sort the babys sleeping. If it will help you to sleep train then just do it for your own sanity. When I say you I mean your husband, I've had one averagish sleeper and one awful one and both woke up out of habit to feed from me (one 3x a night and one every 90 min) and my husband sleep trained both of them - once they know mum is no longer an option in the night it's much easier!

Windowsareforcheaters · 12/04/2019 15:20

He also offered to come back home when she rang him and yelled at him, yet she told him to stay ther

Have you ever been sleep deprived? It makes you illogical and unable to function on a reasonable level that is why it is dangerously drive or make decisions.

You need help, you need others to look after you.

TacoLover · 12/04/2019 15:49

Have you ever been sleep deprived? It makes you illogical and unable to function on a reasonable level that is why it is dangerously drive or make decisions.

I know. And the question of whether i have ever been sleep deprived most people have been sleep deprived before. I was saying that the DH hasn't actually done anything wrong. Maybe he could have decided to stay at home and not asked the OP at all but he did ask her, then also offer to come home when she yelled down the phone at him. Yes the OP is very sleep deprived but that doesn't automatically mean that her husband has done something wrong. She's feeling shit because she's sleep deprived, not because her husband went out after asking and also offered to come home.

Windowsareforcheaters · 12/04/2019 15:54

The husband has been passive in the face of her misery.

He is acting like a child, he asks for permission to go out when it must be blindingly obvious the poor OP is on her last legs. Yes she could say something but the woman is desperately trying to act normal when it must be apparent she isn't.

He could look at her, look at what is happening and man up and look after both his wife and child.

Or he can hover on the sidelines wringing his hands and acting like a victim.

Chloemol · 12/04/2019 16:05

You are being unreasonable you said he could go, it’s not his fault to hit yourself when you got up, you chose to phone him and start an argument, so it’s your own fault if you are embarrassed. You say you are tired of saying yes you can do stuff, so don’t ! Get him to do some time with your child whilst you rest

Ohyesiam · 12/04/2019 16:10

Op you sound exhausted and lacking support. Could you say no to everything for a bit to try and get on an even keel?

Omzlas · 12/04/2019 16:15

You need rest OP, you sound like you're at the end of your tether. Get your DH to take the baby and get an early night because you can't continue like this, he needs to help more.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/04/2019 16:18

I don't know why the DH is getting a hard time here. There is no reason to suggest he wouldnt take the baby of a night time. In a previous thread OP has said baby will only sleep on her, and wake up if she moves, even co sleeping had failed and she was going to see a sleep consultant. Maybe the DH has tried and it hasnt worked. Have you seen the sleep consultant OP

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread