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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think phone checking may not always be that bad?

79 replies

Figure8 · 12/04/2019 11:45

Yep, I know I'll get roasted ....

Of course checking someone's phone is an invasion of privacy. But.... what if you know something was off? Your gut is pinging out all kinds of warnings, but you can't leave a marriage because of that. Or do people?
I'm just curious that phone checking seems to be a bigger crime than lying/ possibly cheating on your partner.

When I was married, I had episodes of thinking something wasn't quite right. On the surface though, he was completely devoted- woukd do anything for me. It was only after I checked fb messenger that I got "proof". Yes it was shitty, but he would have dragged it along/ lied for ages, and I would have went along thinking I was nuts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Figure8 · 12/04/2019 11:46

( and I have no regrets for checking. Actually, I'm grateful to that little voice that told me to look)

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 12/04/2019 11:47

Personally if I was fairly sure my husband was cheating I’d want proof.

CherryBlossom23 · 12/04/2019 11:51

You'll probably get flamed for saying so, but yes I agree. It's still an invasion of privacy but that doesn't excuse cheating. You just have to be prepared for what you may find.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 12/04/2019 11:52

I phone checked when I was at the point I just need confirmation and he was utterly incapable of telling the truth. Ended up being worse than I expected (He fucked her in OUR bed when OUR 3 week old was fighting sepsis in hospital) best thing I ever did. Yes I wouldn't make a habit out of it but at that point my sanity needed to know.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/04/2019 11:54

As I’ve got older ive started to come around to the idea that the “paranoia / jealousy / anxiety” feeling isn’t really a thing, it’s actually the gut feeling that you know something isn’t right but either sweep it away yourself or get labelled as paranoid / jealous / insecure by some douchebag of a man

So although I do thing if you go snooping for something you’ll find it, but if you know you’ll find something and then do.... well, better you find out now than further down the line

SickOfThePig · 12/04/2019 11:54

It's bad. It's a symptom that things have gone wrong somewhere and that trust is shaky. I wouldn't do it and I think that if I ever found myself considering doing it, my marriage is already in trouble, no matter what I find.

SickOfThePig · 12/04/2019 11:56

Sorry, just read the OP and I think what you mean is it's sometimes justified. I was looking at it from another angle. Ignore me.

BloodyDisgrace · 12/04/2019 11:58

It's not a great thing to do, but I'm convinced the ones who object to it most vehemently are the ones with something to hide. There is no need to kick someone who checks someone else's the phone because, usually, they are punished enough already by discovering all sorts of unpleasant truths.

What pisses me off though it's that if someone checks - they are "neurotic and insecure", if they don't because they trust and the trust is then betrayed - it's "how could you not see the SIGNS, naive idiot?".. ffs

LettuceP · 12/04/2019 12:00

I don't check dh's phone, tablet, search history etc because I don't want to invade his privacy and whatever is on there is none of my business and vice versa. But if I had genuine, valid suspicions and there were many things building a picture of him cheating then yes I would check his phone. I would check it to see if I could find proof, I think you need proof because they could just lie and lie.

conflicted1234 · 12/04/2019 12:04

No I don't think it's that bad especially if you suspect something is off. You deserve to make choices about your life and relationship based on truthful facts and if someone is depriving you of this then it's in your own interest to seek proof.

I have major trust issues due to my past. It's not my current partners fault and he's done nothing to make me doubt him but now and then my own insecurities get the better of me and I'm ashamed to say I have checked his phone. Never found anything untoward and always felt shitty about myself afterwards but that validation does almost help me see that there are decent men out there. I know it's wrong though, don't flame me too bad 🙈

femidom12 · 12/04/2019 12:06

I think it's perfectly justified if you need confirmation on top of other classic cheating behaviour (working late when they never did before, unexplained moods, secretive with their phone, internet history)
I've done it before, it confirmed my suspicions and I feel zero guilt for doing it.

Potplant · 12/04/2019 12:11

I did for the reasons you stated. But he’d done something to make me doubt him. I knew my marriage was dead was when I realised I hadn’t checked his phone for a while cos I didn’t give a shit what he was up to.

Conversely if he had been checking mine I would have been massively pissed off because I had nothing to hide.

So I’m a big old hypocrite really.

NewFoneWhoDis · 12/04/2019 12:14

I've never done it. But if I was getting odd vibes or he was acting a bit off I would, and would feel no guilt doing so.

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2019 12:18

I think it's sometimes justified yes. What's not justified is routine surveillance, or continual checking because you've always got some for of gut instinct, which in reality is just low self esteem or insecurity or something.

FanFckingTastic · 12/04/2019 12:27

My DH and I will often use each other's phones so although I wouldn't go out of my way to snoop, I would expect him to be open about what he's doing and who he's doing it with. Likewise, he's very welcome to see what's on my phone - he knows what's going on in my life so it's a bit of a non-issue. I don't understand why people feel that their privacy is being invaded by their partner looking at their phone. If you are a team together then surely there should be nothing to hide?

NChat · 12/04/2019 13:13

I don't understand why people feel that their privacy is being invaded by their partner looking at their phone. If you are a team together then surely there should be nothing to hide?

I wouldn't do it and I think that if I ever found myself considering doing it, my marriage is already in trouble, no matter what I find.

These kind of go together. By the time you are justified looking, it's probably too late to just not look.

Personal anecdote: I was told information by a 3rd party, confronted DP who minimised it. I then checked his messenger, and he had deleted all the conversations. Deletion is obviously a red flag, but not the same as messages.

HBStowe · 12/04/2019 13:19

I think looking at someone’s phone when you already have valid suspicions for other reasons is different to just checking it because you don’t trust your partner when they haven’t given you reason not to trust them. The latter is just an unjustified invasion of privacy.

HBStowe · 12/04/2019 13:26

I don't understand why people feel that their privacy is being invaded by their partner looking at their phone. If you are a team together then surely there should be nothing to hide?

I also consider this to be bullshit. I have never been and would never be unfaithful, but here is a list of things on my phone I don’t want my husband to see:

  1. Texts between me and my mum about her ongoing gynaecological problems caused by vaginal mesh
  2. Confidential work discussions with my boss and clients
  3. 29 selfies in a row of me looking stupid while trying to be sultry before I got a good one
  4. Random philosophical thoughts / musings I write in my notes so I don’t forget them
  5. Ideas / scenes for my book that nobody has ever read and that I might not ever let anyone read
  6. Bad poetry
  7. Birthday present ideas for my husband
  8. An account of everything I’ve spent that month

I doubt I’m unusual in this. None of the above is a sign that I am unfaithful, dishonest or secretive. But being married doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to a private life, and these days a phone isn’t just for communicating with others. It’s also a diary, a notebook, a calendar, a work device, an entertainment system and loads of other things too. People are entitled to insist that these things are private, and snooping into them is a serious betrayal of trust.

Original poster
Figure8 · 12/04/2019 13:28

HBStowe I agree. It just seems that whenever there is a thread with phone checking on it, invariably someone vilifies it. It sometimes seems like we live in a society where lying is more acceptable than phone checking.
Confused

OP posts:
outpinked · 12/04/2019 13:28

If you’re doing it most days for absolutely no reason other than your own low self esteem and paranoia then yeah, it’s bad. If it’s because you genuinely believe something is happening then I can’t see much issue with it. It will either confirm your concerns or you’ll realise you’re being daft.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/04/2019 14:07

Funny that when a female posted on here a while back about her DH checking her internet history the response was huge red flag, find various sites to go on that would give him a shock, ltb and a whole host of other posters addressing the DH personally as he admitted to reading the MN posts his DW had made. Nobody said maybe his gut instinct was telling him something.

Sorrywhat · 12/04/2019 15:07

I’m sorry but if I couldn’t look at my husband’s phone freely I wouldn’t have married him. If he has something to hide then he obviously knows he shouldn’t be doing it.
Please somebody give me one thing that should be kept secret or personal in a marriage.

optimisticpessimist01 · 12/04/2019 15:21

Nothing good ever comes out of checking someones phone, ever. Even something innocent can seem twisted when sneaking a look at someone's phone

I'm sorry but it's pathetic that people cannot trust their partners enough that they cannot resist a sneaky look on their phones. Why do you need to be nosy on your OH phone just to confirm they're not cheating? It's so ridiculous. That's what it comes down to, trust. How do you think it looks to DP "oh here she goes, doesn't trust me again..." Plus most people aren't stupid enough to leave proof on their phone if they know they're partner is going to check it

If your doing it because you need proof of an affair to leave DH then I think that is acceptable. If you have suspicions that they're doing something they shouldn't be, then that's fine

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/04/2019 16:56

@Sorrywhat plenty of things. On my phone I have conversations with my daughters about things they wouldn't want their Dad to know about, I have conversations with friends who are telling me things in confidence which is nothing to do with DH.

Vehivle · 12/04/2019 17:09

I agree with the (minority) of posters on here. I would have an issue if my husband was insistent on keeping his browsing history, phone, tablet etc private. I am of the view that you should have nothing to hide from your "other half". But i suppose this is because it's what I'm used to. My husband and I have the same passwords for our phones and are always on each others laptops/tablets/phones. We use whichever one is nearest. If his behaviour suddenly changed, it would be very weird. As for people saying they wanted to keep private conversations with their mum/friends secret or whatever gift they bought for DH. We still manage this. He doesn't go through my text messages or emails unduly. He could easily, but he's not bothered as he trusts me. If I was super secretive about it all - maybe he'd feel different lol.

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