To think phone checking may not always be that bad?

[Figure8]

Yep, I know I'll get roasted ....

Of course checking someone's phone is an invasion of privacy. But.... what if you know something was off? Your gut is pinging out all kinds of warnings, but you can't leave a marriage because of that. Or do people?
I'm just curious that phone checking seems to be a bigger crime than lying/ possibly cheating on your partner.

When I was married, I had episodes of thinking something wasn't quite right. On the surface though, he was completely devoted- woukd do anything for me. It was only after I checked fb messenger that I got "proof". Yes it was shitty, but he would have dragged it along/ lied for ages, and I would have went along thinking I was nuts.

Please somebody give me one thing that should be kept secret or personal in a marriage.

My browsing history. I’d be mortified if DP could see how much I use Mumsnet! Or even if he knew at all!

Also my google searches:
“Can sharks eat sandwiches”
“How little work can I do before getting fired”
“Do horses blink”

There is never an excuse to check someone’s phone. It’s an invasion of privacy.

It’s irrelevant if you think something is off, or even if you check and you do find something. That doesn’t justify you doing it. It makes you a despicable person with no boundaries, and just as bad as anyone cheating.

I'm a private person and I respect my friends' privacy.

If my kids or my late husband had checked my phone messages, they'd have found long conversations with my friend who has mental health issues and turns to me when things are bad.

Another friend talks to me about her unhappy marriage.

No way would I let anyone have my phone password, for the sake of my friends' privacy, let alone my own.

As I’ve got older ive started to come around to the idea that the “paranoia / jealousy / anxiety” feeling isn’t really a thing, it’s actually the gut feeling that you know something isn’t right but either sweep it away yourself or get labelled as paranoid / jealous / insecure by some douchebag of a man

I find that very, very sad. It sounds like you've been very unlucky with previous partners.

Please somebody give me one thing that should be kept secret or personal in a marriage

• Presents and other surprises
• The plot of a film/book/programme that I've read/watched/listened to that he hasn't yet.
• Bitching about him about something trivial and not worth discussing, but which nevertheless annoys me
• Praising him up to the skies but I don't want him to get too complacent or smug
• Other people's secrets

I also think checking someone else's phone is a controlling thing to do. And I agree if you have so little trust in your partner that you feel the need to do it, then the relationship's in major trouble anyway.

But maybe I'm just a naive idiot and my DH is merrily shagging away and on dating apps and I'm the only moron who doesn't know.

It’s irrelevant if you think something is off, or even if you check and you do find something. That doesn’t justify you doing it. It makes you a despicable person with no boundaries, and just as bad as anyone cheating

That's what I'm curious about . How does checking someone's fb message compare to lying to someone's face about being disloyal/ unfaithful?

I don't generally think that the means justifies the end, but it certainly doesn't make someone despicable.

I find that very, very sad. It sounds like you've been very unlucky with previous partners.

Actually this wasn’t from my perspective, I’ve only had lovely partners and been in trusting relationships for the most part. This was a sweeping statement but based on friends and women on MN.

• END justifies the means.!!

How does checking someone's fb message compare to lying to someone's face about being disloyal/ unfaithful?

Because you have absolutely no right to invade their privacy like that. You are sneaking about behind their back and also being disloyal, because they should be able to trust you not to keep tabs on them.

It’s irrelevant whether or not they are cheating/you find something. You have no right.

So... how would you find out?
I'm genuinely curious. If you thought your partner was acting suspiciously, what would you do? Would you go solely by gut feelings?

I think it depends on the the relationship. I don’t mind DH seeing anything I have on my phone. I have only ever kept one thing from him (someone else’s secret). I didn’t put anything in writing in that instance because no one was supposed to stumble across it. We have the same passcode for our devices andregulsrly use each other’s devices. I don’t know whether he has ever looked through move but I don’t mind if he did.

@ShirleyPhallus I'm really happy to hear that. I felt genuinely sad for you after reading your post.

Thing is, if you have to check, you kinda know things aren’t good right? Even if you don’t find ‘proof’ something is still not good.

I checked my ex’s phone because I had a gut feeling that he was up to something and I was right he was cheating on me so am glad that I checked his phone.

Thing is, if you have to check, you kinda know things aren’t good right? Even if you don’t find ‘proof’ something is still not good

Well, yes, but would you leave a relationship because of it? Break up a family?

So... how would you find out?
I'm genuinely curious. If you thought your partner was acting suspiciously, what would you do? Would you go solely by gut feelings?

I trust my DH. If at any point I didn’t trust him, and had thoughts of wanting to check his phone or believing his suspicious behaviour was down to cheating, the relationship would be over anyway.

If you have to check your partners phone, there is no trust. If there is no trust, you don’t have a relationship and you would be better off apart. You are not a family at that point, you’re just two people looking after a child, and a toxic, untrusting, suspicious environment is no place for a child.

I am still not convinced about about any of the above. My life is built with the man I married, he would know everything I know.
If he read something private I was discussing with somebody I can TRUST HIM to keep it private.
If he read something weird on my internet history I would laugh with him.
If he found me complaining about him I would own up to it and explain I needed to vent and was annoyed.
If he found I was singing his praises then good! Why shouldn’t he know how amazing I think he is. Isn’t that a nice thing? 🤨

Not one thing that has been suggested makes me think,’Hmm, yea they’re right.’ His life is my life.

You may be able to trust him to keep it private but you havent kept it private despite someone trusting you if you allow him to read any messages.

If he read something private I was discussing with somebody I can TRUST HIM to keep it private.

But @Sorrywhat, what if the other person doesn't WANT your husband to know?
I would never share anything with a friend who thought their spouse was entitled to know everything I told them.

I suspected an ex was cheating and had a conversation about it with him. He was indignant, then reassuring. The following week I checked his phone and found evidence that he was cheating so I dumped him.

No regrets at all re checking his phone. He was compromising my sexual health lying and cheating so why shouldnt I act on suspicions to see if im right or wrong about his falseness?

Been with cureent DP years and phones arent even an issue or convo. If hes not in the room and his phone rings I will answer if its an important call. He does same for me. His phone's better than mine I may use it to Shazam, or look something up. Its nothing.

People who are over precious and secretive about phones generally are the type who will go on about checking phone being worse than cheating.

When I left my ex he was angry and then resentful. Used me checking the phone to deflect from what hed done. Then shifted to remorseful and wanted to try again. I said Why..? You have all the privacy you want and need now. Bye.

@Deedeecherry there is a world of difference between borrowing someones phone to look something up and snooping.

Honestly, I don't care if it's "ethical" or not. I trust my husband and have never felt the need or desire to check his phone but if I had serious doubts about his fidelity, I'd have no qualms about looking for proof on his phone or other devices. I wouldn't blame him for doing the same to my devices though of course I'd be hurt to know he mistrusted me, if I was innocent. Yes, it would mean we'd need to work on our marriage, but I don't think either of us would go off shrieking about an invasion of privacy.

Different relationships/different people have different rules. In ours, phones are not particularly private, anyway. We don't exactly "share" phones on a daily basis, but neither are they hands-off top-secret. Now, if we were constantly checking up on one another, that would indicate a problem, but we don't.

Anyway, no. I don't judge people for checking a spouse/SO's phone out of desperation.

sweeney your comment doesnt relate to the OP or to what I said either.

I agree with those who have said that if you are checking someone's phone secretly then you ALREADY don't trust them. You are ALREADY unhappy in your marriage.

If you are a team together then surely there should be nothing to hide?

Please somebody give me one thing that should be kept secret or personal in a marriage

My very good friend is going through some serious stuff and there's no way she would be confiding in me if she knew she also confiding in my husband. Her personal life and the nature of some the things she's talking to me about is absolutely none of his business.

Our Daughter also messages me about things she finds hard talking about face to face. She also wouldn't ask me for some of the advice she does if she thought for one second her dad was reading her messages to me to me.

It's not about having something to hide. It's about being a separate person to my husband and messages to me being for me only. If there's anything he needs or should or I want him to know about them then I'm an adult and can tell him myself.

My husband had also been seeking support for his testicle cancer via the Macmillan forum and his Macmillan nurse. He talks to me but I know he worries about upsetting me and finds it easier speaking to other men who've been through it. He'd be hurt if I took that away him and snooped through his posts and messages etc

We've been together 19 years and while be both know each other's passwords for everything we've gotten this far without having to snoop on each other.

I can understand why some people feel driven to it, like when behaviour changes and they start going out a lot, I can totally understand why someone would check a phone in that situation but I'd be pissed if to find out my husband regularly checked my phone behind my back and it's not because I'm fucking someone else.

I am married to my husband, but we are not one person. I know his passcode, because he’s rubbish at setting technology up. He might know mine. I really don’t know.

I wouldn’t dream of just looking at or taking his phone. I will answer it, reply to texts for him when he’s driving etc, but at his request.

He wouldn’t ever pick mine up as he’d have no need.

Being married doesn’t mean giving up ALL privacy.