To think phone checking may not always be that bad?

[Figure8]

Yep, I know I'll get roasted ....

Of course checking someone's phone is an invasion of privacy. But.... what if you know something was off? Your gut is pinging out all kinds of warnings, but you can't leave a marriage because of that. Or do people?
I'm just curious that phone checking seems to be a bigger crime than lying/ possibly cheating on your partner.

When I was married, I had episodes of thinking something wasn't quite right. On the surface though, he was completely devoted- woukd do anything for me. It was only after I checked fb messenger that I got "proof". Yes it was shitty, but he would have dragged it along/ lied for ages, and I would have went along thinking I was nuts.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue
I doubt from your posts that you have ever been backed into such a desperate situation where you feel that phone checking is the best option. Walk a mile in the shoes of someone who has before judging. Try worrying about your family being broken up as the person you love betrays you under your nose. Try protecting a kid with SN from it whilst trying not to go mad or depressed all the while looking after sick parents. It’s so easy to say it “would” be over or you “would” LTB if you couldn’t trust him. It’s a whole nother kettle of fish when you in reality face the destruction of the family life you spent 2 decades on, loss of your home, loss of basically everything you know and all your hopes for you family. You sound holier than thou saying you shouldn’t check phones. Also, for those saying they have private conversations with friends/relatives on there - a spouse looking for evidence isn’t going to trawl through someone else’s problems or be in any way interested in them. They are looking for answers to their own.

@Sorrywhat
^I am still not convinced about about any of the above. My life is built with the man I married, he would know everything I know.
If he read something private I was discussing with somebody I can TRUST HIM to keep it private^
Other PPs have picked up on this too. But I have to say, I'm disgusted by you throwing your friend's confidences away so casually because - to you - it's ok to share anything anyone says to you with your DH. I think this makes you a rotten friend.
If someone confides in you, then they are confiding in YOU- not two people. One.
And you're ok with great treats being outed? Then your lives offer no excitement or pleasure.

Your threads are 'holier than thou' but offer no substance or reality and just make you sound like someone I would go to great lengths to avoid in RL.

Have name changed so can't be traced to other username, I'm not a troll/liar/sensationalist etc. Have been here for years, was here when Mexican House thief was active, saw penis beaker develop, have eaten naive ham etc. Loved the multiple threads about the listed building being changed by new owners and it causing problems and the OP and their Spanish Grandma? (DGM became unwell though, and there was mention the scenario wasn't real, did it even get found to be real or not?)

Many years ago I needed to send an e-mail for dh (he'd asked me to) while he was at a meeting. My laptop was off and his was on and as we would use each others anyway I just used his. Upon opening it his Messenger thing was open and it was blatantly obvious he was having an emotional affair. He had been using his laptop a lot, but worked from home so I wasn't suspicious before.

I checked and there was evidence of an emotional affair with two different people. (They claimed to be women but online you can't be sure if you have never met them irl.)

'Discussions' were had, help sought from third parties etc. and things put in place to get through it. E.g. dh agreed to let me check his computer/phone etc. with no prior warning, trust was gone and needed built up again. Over time I started checking him less and less.

A couple of years later, after changing jobs so now working outside of home, he became more into his laptop again, he'd sit in the car park outside our house for a few minutes after coming home from work not realising I knew our car engine sound and could see he was back, he was using his phone in the car while parked etc. Instead of only using texts/MSN/other messaging service he was mainly using the chat option in an online game (one to one, not to many users) and having an emotional affair with at least two 'women' again. He'd often put his mobile face down so I couldn't see the screen if I unexpectedly walked into the room he was in, he became withdrawn etc. I deliberately went on his laptop and checked as I just knew he was up to something. Confirmed my fears. Things blew up. We should have divorced. He got help and we worked on our marriage. Because of this it was going to take much longer to get to a trusting stage etc. I made it blatantly obvious if it happened again he was out the second I found out. He promised to try to not do it again.

He made sure I knew what he was doing on devices, he gave up his privacy on them willingly to show he wasn't doing things wrong again. Unfortunately I can't, and shouldn't have to, check everything. A few months later, on the online game, he fell back into chatting inappropriately with the two 'women' again. I found out within days and told him to leave. I saw him change then and there before me, a realisation came over him about what he had risked (a bit too late for my liking) and he sought help from another source. We are, a couple of years later, still working on our marriage. He has changed though, but I still look for 'signs' and check all his devices randomly.

When I became suspicious had I not checked his laptop/phone he could have kept up these emotional affairs for a long time and our marriage would have been over. Because I 'snooped' and found out early, it was nipped in the bud quickly and our marriage has one last chance, if I had not snooped I would be forever suspicious and that is no way to live.

I have promised him if it happens again there is no way back and he is taking me at my word. Someone helping us is also aware of my promise to him and will support me to go through with it if needed. He has also promised it will never happen again, not promised to try to not do it again like his previous promise.

In a nutshell - When there are genuine grounds to be suspicious I think you need to check up on the other person. Either you are proven right and can take measures accordingly or you are proven wrong and you can adjust your thinking accordingly. If you don't snoop you will be forever wondering if there is something wrong and the suspicions will take over your life. No one wants that.

People love to vilify it and act like they are perfect saintly human beings, until one day it happens to them - husband/wife starts acting a little...off. But won't tell them why. It lasted 2 YEARS for me until he finally cocked up and forgot to delete a message one night. Otherwise, I would never have found out.

Sometimes it's what is required to discover the truth of a situation so we don't continue to live a lie we have no choice over living in.

It just bugs me how on here at least it seems like it's only the women have a free pass to do it because"Trust your gut!" And "Your instincts are never wrong!". Yet when a woman says her DP wants to look through her phone it's "LTB this is controlling, abusive behaviour" "Of course you're entitled to your privacy". It's so hypocritical.

I would never be with someone who wanted to look through my phone. Do I have anything to hide? No. Do I have private conversations with my friends? Yes. I wouldn't have any friends if they thought everything they were saying while pouring their heart out to me was being read by a third party. And I would think anyone I am venting to who later revealed that their partner read all their messages was a dick, frankly. If I'm telling someone a personal thing I only want THEM to know.

Please somebody give me one thing that should be kept secret or personal in a marriage.

Christ. You don’t have to give up your right to a private life when you get married. Of course there are things it would be wrong to be secretive about (affairs, obviously, and things like debt) but being married does not mean you have to share everything with your partner.

I use my phone like a diary, and it helps me with my anxiety. My notes are full of incredibly personal thoughts, like dialogues of imaginary conversations I have had with people, pretentious personal musings, fiction and poetry. I am under no obligation to share these things with my husband - he doesn’t have a right to them just because we are married.

I think it’s so narrow minded to believe there could be nothing a person would reasonably want to keep secret from their spouse. Maybe you don’t have a rich, creative interior life. Maybe you can’t even imagine what it’s like to do so. That’s on you if so.

It just bugs me how on here at least it seems like it's only the women have a free pass to do it because"Trust your gut!" And "Your instincts are never wrong!". Yet when a woman says her DP wants to look through her phone it's "LTB this is controlling, abusive behaviour" "Of course you're entitled to your privacy". It's so hypocritical.

Yes, 100% this. It is controlling, abusive behaviour but if a woman does it apparently it’s justified because she was suspicious. But no, it is never justified, whether you’re a man or a woman.

I cant believe some people thing if you are married you have no right to have anything private.

My exh used to check my phone all the time. It was part of his abuse. He was insistent for age that I was sleeping with someone else. I wasnt.

The problem with this 'gut feeling' to justify it, is that alot of peoples 'gut feelings' are bollocks. People will tell you on mn that a woman's intubation was always right. It's not. I know loads of women in real life that have gone as far as putting a phone in their husbands cars to track them. Never found anything, but still convinced they are cheating.

I know men and women who have to hand over their phones (dont see the point in this one) have to leave them unlocked or cant take them into the bathroom etc all based on their partners 'gut feeling'or this concept of 'we are married to therefore we have to share everything'.

My mum for example, continually checks my dads phone. Usually at night. He thought she had stopped, but a few weeks ago my mum sister called me worried. She had got up and there was a missed call in her mobile from dad at 2am. He wasnt answering his phone and neither of them were answering the house phone.

This led to me and my brother having to check the house then go their works. Mum had dialled her by accident when going through his phone....again.

She has done this for 12 years. But still uses her 'theres nothing private in a marriage excuse'. She is paranoid. It's as simple as that.

There was even a thread here a few weeks ago. The OP husband had left her saying he was unhappy. He had already tried to address that she was controlling previously but she wouldn't have it. She had checked his phone records, work phone records, work travel documents, work emails, location in his phone and found nothing. She was still convinced there was another woman, that he couldnt possibly just leave because he felt she was controlling and was generally unhappy.

And that's the problem. Women who do this are justified because of their 'gut feelings'. Their gut feelings are no more likely to be correct that a mans. Yet when a man does it, its abuse and he is paranoid.

Sorry, let me make it clearer about my position in my marriage. My husband and I share the same passcode and have FaceID on each other’s phones, which even allows me to log into his bank account if I wanted to; the same with him. It’s the trust we share that we can comfortably leave our phones hanging around. I’ve looked through his phone, not to find anything just through boredom really. If he caught me I’d own up and be confident that he wouldn’t care; again the same applies to him.
What this boils down to is trust. If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear.
I do not act ‘holier than thou’, I simply just put my family above friends. I understand that people don’t always do this and that is why no one needs to go to ‘great lengths’ to avoid me, I’d likely avoid you first.
I have one true friend who I can tell anything to and she does me. I tell my husband our conversations because who is he likely to discuss it with? No one, because who would care to listen about somebody’s life they do not know? If she did the same about me then fine. I would be very shocked if she thought I hadn’t said anything to him to be honest, she knows how we share pretty much everything with each other. What I don’t want people to know I do not discuss. Any problems I have can be discussed with my husband or mum/sister; I guess I am lucky to have a support system. Some people have too much trust in the wrong people i.e. friends over partners... 🤷🏼‍♀️

And I am aware that by being married doesn’t mean you have to lose your privacy, but I chose to share all intimate details of my life. Call me old fashioned but it works for me.

I think I'd leave if I didn't trust someone to the extent I was considering checking thier phone. I dont need 'evidence' I trust myself. If I felt something wasnt right I'd just end it rather than disrespecting myself rummaging through someone elses private communications. Dont stay with someone who's made you want to do that. You dont need 'proof'.

What this boils down to is trust. If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear.I do not act ‘holier than thou’

Whilst acting holier than thou?

I trust DP and he trusts me. We have no need to have access to eachothers phones. If one of us asked to borrow the other phones.....no problems.

I like my privacy, even from dp. My best friend is his sister, who I have know far longer and has been at my side through the worst times of my life. If she asks me to keep something between us. It stays between us.

Dp respects me, her and our friendship enough for that to be ok.

Also, for those saying they have private conversations with friends/relatives on there - a spouse looking for evidence isn’t going to trawl through someone else’s problems or be in any way interested in them. They are looking for answers to their own.

I think most people were saying that RE a poster saying she wouldn't marry someone if she didn't have free access to his phone and that there's nothing that can be private or personal in a marriage

It's not sneaky and it's sly and it's not a sign of guilt to to not want your phone regularly going through for no reason at all. That's different to someone being driven to check messages for the first time after a sudden change in behaviour from a spouse

And I am aware that by being married doesn’t mean you have to lose your privacy, but I chose to share all intimate details of my life. Call me old fashioned but it works for me.

I share intimate details of my life with husband too, I don't share intimate details of my friends life, and that doesn't mean I'm putting my friend before my family, my family is not at a disadvantage from me not betraying my friends confidence.

You'd be surprised how many spouses do go on to tell someone else something their spouse asked them not to tell. My husband is often coming home from work having been told something like "don't say anything cos my wife told me not to but her friend said ........"

Do your friends know when they confide in you they are also confiding in your husband?

Fair enough if they do but my friend doesn't and has asked me not to. In my friends case she's just started talking about childhood sexual abuse and another sexual assault that has happened to her recently by a man my husband sometimes has to work with. It's irrelevant if my husband would tell anyone or not since it's not him who has been confided and I'd feel like a cunt telling him when I've been asked not to tell anyone at all because she feels ashamed and embarrassed. My husband knows I'm helping a friend work through some issues and that's all he needs to know.

When I was 17 I went put with a dick head. Didn't realise it at the time, I was very naive. I used to get the gut feeling to check his phone and I always found something (think 3/4 times) but he managed to talk his way out of it. When I look back now I think I was such a mug.
However, I have never felt the need or gut feeling to check my husbands phone.

I've read so many thread on here though where women are regularly checking their partners phone and not finding anything or turning something innocent into something else. Privacy should be allowed to

It is funny how many women are quick to judge my views and opinions and throw the odd insult because they have a different outlook to me. I judge your relationship just as much as you judge mine. I would not be happy to keep things from my husband and for him to keep things from me. Even discussing this thread with him he is confused how people’s marriages do have secrets, however big or small. I have not said I tell my husband every single little detail of every single part of my day. I am simply saying that having access to his phone and having the freedom to do as I wish is not a problem and I, personally, find it odd how people do.
If people think I am acting ‘holier than thou’ then that’s fine. You don’t make up my day. How my family perceive me is a hell of a lot more important than people I do not know. This forum is for giving opinions which I have done. People getting riled up over some random person’s life is honestly ridiculous. If you can’t handle someone’s opinion without adding insults then don’t comment. Debate is fine, isn a constructed way. To clearly be bothered by an opinion which has no effect in your day-to-day life is pointless.
The mind boggles. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Phone isn't even a convo between me & DP. No need to hide our phones or even think about all that.

If you have to actively think about your phone as The Precious Holder Of Secrets and presumably you dont work for MI5 then its

Porn
Sexting
'Thrilling' emotional affair
Real life affair
Gossiping about & slagging off your partner behind his/her back

On MN pretending if your partner looked at your phone then you'd end your marriage immediately. No qualms, you're that tough...
😁

Seriously tho.. its a phone. Whether youre an obsessive phone clutcher who cant go take a shit without phone in hand as youre up to or at least planning dubious stuff or at the very least, obsessed with social media/mindless time-grabbing browsing at the expense of engaging with those around you in real life. Or you check your partner's phone regularly. Either way its all a bit saddo isnt it.

OP if you have valid suspicions &
want to prove them by looking at phone, cool if that works for you. At least you're informed.

The extreme examples on here at both ends of the scale tell their own story I think

@Sorrywhat I am quick to judge your views and opinions. Not because i think your relationship is wrong. If that's how you see things that's totally up to you and your dh.

It's your objection that anyone who is different, must be wrong. You are 'not convinced' and 'i just value family over friends'. The implication that anyone disagreeing doesnt.

I am judging your attitude that anyone who has a different relationship is wrong.

It's the same with @DeeCeeCherry and their assumptions. I dont look at porn, am not having an affair of any kind, not sexting anyone and dont slag off dp to my friends. If me and do have an issue I can tell him to his face what I think and I can also tell him I talked things through with friends. He isnt going to kick off or be upset about that.

It's about it being my phone and my privacy. I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years where I wasnt allowed privacy. All ck verstations monitored a he tracked me using my phone. Even after I left.

If do wanted to use my phone he could. He knows my stance, that due to my past I hate being checked up on. You either trust me or you dont. If both people have access to eachothers phone and are happy, that's fine. I dont judge that. I do judge people who seem to think you only want privacy if you have something to hide or dont value your relationship.

Oh and whilst I dont take my phone if I want a shit, I will take it to listen to music on the shower. Yes, singing in the shower is as far as my dubious plans go.

I do judge people who seem to think you only want privacy if you have something to hide or dont value your relationship

Thats yet another extreme. Just because people arent fussed about phones in their relationship and dont have to actively think about hiding their phone really, that doesnt translate into not having privacy...there are many aspects to privacy in a relationship. But people constantly wired into phone will come up with numerous ways to imply Me And My Phone Are The Be All And End All Of Existence. Phoneheads are boring.

& Besides beyond teenager age and stage its a bit ridiculous isnt it 😁

DeeCeeCherry how is it anymore extreme than saying if you want to keep your phone private you must be cheating, looking at porn, slagging your partner off for a 'phone head and boring'?

Where is the privacy in a marriage that shares absolutely everything?

Besides which, a phone being someones private doesnt mean people dont share stuff.

Saying privacy is ok, except when I comes to a mobile phone is odd. Why phones? I speak to tons of people everyday. If I was going to have an affair, I wouldn't need my phone or Facebook etc. People had affairs way before mobile phones or social media.

It seems that you are saying privacy is ok, but if that extends to a mobile phone then it's wrong.

No - Im saying relating privacy to my phone my phone my phone as if thats all privacy can and does centre around, is strange.

Thats me done tho I dont want to get too much into thinking about. phones. Hate all this 'have to be wired in' notion these days, all generations are silly about it.

I dont even know where my phone is at the mo, battery's gone so I cant ring it but presumably I shall survive...

No - Im saying relating privacy to my phone my phone my phone as if thats all privacy can and does centre around, is strange.

Who said that? We are talking about mobile phones so the converstation is centred around mobile phones. It not a thread on general privacy. If it was and people were only talking about mobiles, then you would have a point.

You moan about phones, yet are using a computer. I am wondering how that makes you any better. Not knowing where your phone is, isnt an achievement.

It's great of you arent fussed about your phone. It's great to do something that suits you. But theres very little difference between being sat on your phone and sat on your laptop/desktop/ tablet

would not be happy to keep things from my husband and for him to keep things from me.

I don't feel that not disclosing things my friend and our dd tells me in confidence as keeping things from him and I certainly would not be angry at dh if one of his mate told him he'd been raped and doesn't want him to tell anyone. It's not my business and it would be a shame if his mate couldn't get support from his friend because he'd go telling his wife.

Even discussing this thread with him he is confused how people’s marriages do have secrets, however big or small.

I don't think keeping my friends confidence and telling her about her sexual abuse is keeping secrets from him because he has no right, no need or a want to be told

Ive also discussed this thread with my husband and is equally confused about how some people expect their spouse to tell them things they've been asked not to and that don't involve them in any way.

If you and your husband have the requirement of free access to each other's phones then that's good for you but there's many many people who don't need or want to rummage through a spouses messages etc

If you and your husband don't mind this requirement that's all good and well but there's many many legit reasons why someone may not be happy at a spouse demanding free access to a their phone. That's all good and well too.

f you have to actively think about your phone as The Precious Holder Of Secrets and presumably you dont work for MI5 then its

Porn
Sexting
'Thrilling' emotional affair
Real life affair
Gossiping about & slagging off your partner behind his/her back

Nope.
None of the above.

On MN pretending if your partner looked at your phone then you'd end your marriage immediately. No qualms, you're that tough...

Unless I've missed a post nobody has said they'd end a marriage because their phone was looked at? Somebody has said she wouldn't be married to person if she couldn't have free access to his phone though. I wouldn't end a marriage because my husband looked at my phone but if he says he would not stay married to me if he didn't free access to messages, or bored me not telling him my friends problems as keeping secrets then we'd be incompatible and if a man said this to me at the start of a relationship I'd not continue it.

Just because people arent fussed about phones in their relationship and dont have to actively think about hiding their phone really, that doesnt translate into not having privacy...there are many aspects to privacy in a relationship.

I dont actively hide my phone, I'm not constantly thinking about where it is as it's a non issue for us too. Not having the need to check each other's phone regularly doesn't mean they are actively hiding their phone. He can use my phone whenever he wants and vice versa, what we don't do is regularly check each other's messages, emails and forum posts etc.

In all honesty if you have that gut feeling is checking his phone really going to relieve it? I doubt it - because you know he can delete his history

If you feel he (or she) has broken your trust that strongly maybe you need to consider if the relationship is worth saving anyway

No - Im saying relating privacy to my phone my phone my phone as if thats all privacy can and does centre around, is strange.

Nobody has said that although if someone is regularly checking a spouses messages it wouldn't be such a shock that they check other things too, browsing history, emails, bank, open their posts too.

Am not saying that the people on this thread who regularly check their spouses phone are doing this just that it wouldn't be a shock that someone who checks messages on a phone also checks other things often too: