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Original poster

To ask if you've become more of a feminist

116 replies

Whatafustercluck · 12/04/2019 09:42

Either as you've got older or because you're raising a girl?

Just curious really. I never considered myself a feminist before, but I'm currently involved in a heated debate about a mother who has taken issue with the wording on girls' and boys' clothes labels in Asda. The level of ignorance of the real issues on there is astounding.

For full disclosure I have a boy (8) and a girl (2). Last night I was left slightly dumbfounded when showing parkour/ free running videos to my son and he said: "Oh! I didn't know girls could do parkour!" I challenged him of course, but I haven't raised him to think that way and it just made me realise how despite our best efforts, children are so susceptible to social conditioning. It made me quite cross (not with him, despite this comment he's usually pretty switched on and usually challenges assumptions about girls and boys).

OP posts:
woollyheart · 12/04/2019 13:00

I've always been a feminist. I had to be to work to my strengths and get an education and career in the field that suited me.

I always saw feminism as equal treatment and opportunity for all. It didn't involve hating men. Some of the best support I have had through the years has been from male 'feminists' who wanted things to be fair too. I equally supported them if they were treated unfairly.

I don't think women need to fear for their sons because of feminism. Not unless your son needs a female slave to keep him happy.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 12/04/2019 13:19

Interestingly DH would have never describe himself as a feminist as he sees it as something for women. Yet in real life he has always advocated equality for DD and DS in every aspect of their lives.

When I discussed it after Emma Watson's speech he did see how men should be feminists too. He always was but just never realised.

And I've always been one but more so since I had DC. I never noticed things before but the differences in toys and books etc are jaw dropping.

Ragnarthe · 12/04/2019 13:31

S1naidSucks

I am educated and I'm not a child thanks.
I don't need self appointed experts on a chat forum to tell me what to think. I often disagree with things on there but I don't bother to argue about it anymore because I don't feel they like anyone to disagree with them. So many discussions about trans rights and there are many other challenges facing women, the trans issue is important but it's not everything.
I don't like the way the regulars treat anyone who disagrees with them. I am happy to engage in debate but I feel there is aggression which I don't like. When you raise the issue of respect in a discussion you get told that your internal misogyny is at work- we're programmed from birth to be people pleasers and it's incumbent on good feminists to be aggressive and it's because they are all so weary of having to point out the shortcomings of the bad feminists that it makes them be like that.
There are other examples but I don't see the point in going on because nothing changes.
I feel I am a Feminist but other feminists don't represent me.
I think if we want a movement to gain traction then it needs to be more inclusive especially for women from different ethnic and class backgrounds. It's too white, middle class centric.

Siameasy · 12/04/2019 13:50

Yes to a degree. I notice discrimination but at the same time I do pick my battles. There’s stuff that may upset others that I just can’t get annoyed about. I tend to have a few things that rile me and I let the others go because being a parent I also have a lot less mental energy than I used to.

A huge change is that I just don’t care any more about pleasing men or being a people pleaser or my looks really. I don’t want my DD to be a pleaser. So many older women in my extended family pander to men and I saw it a lot growing up. That made me quite determined to be the opposite.

ChattyLion · 12/04/2019 14:07

Yes as I have got older. Before was more specific women’s issues based or specific women’s rights based concerns I had. Now I am older I can see more how those form part of a wider picture. I think when I was younger the constant low level and high level sexual harassment made it almost unbearable to see the reality of how it all joins up. So I probably unconsciously avoided looking at it as a wider set of issues back then.

BettysLeftTentacle · 12/04/2019 14:13

Yes to getting older and yes to having daughters. I fear for them for being female, which is something that wouldn’t have even registered before. As I get older I just see inequality everywhere and all the subtle casual sexism. It’s like the filters are removed an inch more with every year that passes.

beeyourself · 12/04/2019 14:26

I don't have girls. I've become more feminist after a number of relationships with men who were a bit controlling (not majorly but enough to make me think when all was done and dusted).

Now there's no stopping me

joggerbottom · 12/04/2019 14:30

Since becoming a mother I have looked at life in general differently.

Being older has made me look at things differently too.

I thought feminism was about bulldozing your way into a boardroom and telling the men to fuck off aggressively whilst whipping off my bra when I was younger.

Now I know that feminism reaches further than 'I want what he's got'.

I watched 'Pervert Park' on BBC 4 this week and was shocked by a young man who was living in an area for sex offenders. He was there for arranging to have sexual contact with a 14 year old girl and got caught. He described himself as a feminist. My heart sunk as he said this because I feel that the meaning of feminism has now become an everyday term for 'I'm nice, I'm a feminist don't you know?'

joggerbottom · 12/04/2019 14:34

Snog - I used to feel like that about intellectual feminists. Now I listen and read a lot. I stay quiet mostly, but I know how I feel and that doesn't change.

DaiStation · 12/04/2019 14:36

I've definitely had more lived experience of what I had learned intellectually about feminism, notably in the workplace, in maternity care and in healthcare generally.

I've also been in a constant cycle of coming to terms with my childhood sexual abuse and the way it was covered up/I was slut shamed by the whole community, family included. Age and modern feminism has given me the tools to articulate and process that.

Am also a refugee from the Left's ideas re: trans women being allowed to self identify into female space.

rightreckoner · 12/04/2019 14:40

I don’t think you see the patriarchy at work if you are, as I was, a girl in an all female family (single parent), doing well at an all girls school.

But at the age of 50, single mother and full time worker, I see it all in all its terrible forms plus some new forms that weren’t even around back then - notably porn culture and the absolute nonsense of AGP men calling themselves women for sexual gratification and the whole world being too gullible or cowardly or frankly thick to call them out Angry. I never saw this coming tbh - I didn’t realise how little women meant.

BertrandRussell · 12/04/2019 14:43

I was a feminist for a long time before I had children, and I don’t think I changed much when I had dd. Having ds has made me think a lot more, raising a boy in today’s world is a challenge. A previous poster said something about her son saying that most women were better than men in most areas. I don’t want my son to feel like that. I want him to be pleased to be a man in the way that dad is pleased to be a woman.

thecatsthecats · 12/04/2019 14:44

There's a guy in our office who produly told me that his wife was expecting their second and last child - another boy - "because now he won't have to buy a shotgun to warn men off".

I did make the point that he would still have to raise his sons to not be the sort of men that make parents worry for their girls, but then since he's an endless cliche of 'macho' behaviour, I don't think there's much hope in that quarter.

PookieDo · 12/04/2019 14:47

Yes to both as I wasn’t brought up as a feminist but both me and my sister are
I would say I am not very outspoken about it in that I don’t have Twitter and engage with total fuckwits but I do what I can around me influencing my Dd’s and speaking my mind when required (and practicing what I would preach)

It doesn’t help your dating game much though Grin

Loopytiles · 12/04/2019 14:48

I’m ashamed to say that despite the active efforts of women in my family and family friends I didn’t “see” a lot of things until I had DC and experienced things like poor healthcare, subtle discrimination at work, negotiations with DH over WoH/parenting.

I live in the London commuterbelt, with a high proportion of SAHMs, almost no SAHDs.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 12/04/2019 15:00

@MrsScamander my DP and my male friends with daughters call out this bullshit.

One thing that is worth doing is when the news is on TV tell your daughter that the bosses of the UK - Prime Minister and Queen - are women.Then point out any other women e.g. Chief Medical Officer, Chancellor of Germany who are bosses. It doesn't matter if you don't agree with their political views.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 12/04/2019 15:03

But one of those forms is sexism. How can you see inequality but not consider yourself feminist? sorry I was responding to if you've become more of a feminist. I don’t think I have. I’m feminist in as far as I believe in equality, that hasn’t been driven by having children or their sex’s. Of course you can see inequality that is nothing to do with feminism and not feel feminism is your primary concern.
As an outsider on this board I don’t find it very welcoming but I’m not sure that’s necessary for people to join in.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 12/04/2019 15:04

@Loopytiles you shouldn't be ashamed as you simply didn't understand.

I've pointed out to other women I've worked with when others are being discriminated against due to being women or wanting to take care of their own children. They haven't understood me until they have faced discrimination themselves.

SmileEachDay · 12/04/2019 15:06

I want him to be pleased to be a man in the way that dad is pleased to be a woman

What now? Bertrand did you just out yourself as trans identifying man??

mindutopia · 12/04/2019 15:07

Uh, nope, I’ve been this awesome forever.

optimisticpessimist01 · 12/04/2019 15:10

I have always been a feminist. I always believed a woman can be anything they want to be, but now since having DD I am a feminist for her, not for myself. I know I can be anything I want to be, but my DD may not. I want her to know she can be anything she wants to be through hard-work and determination, and to never, ever let a man control or belittle her.

I think just my perception, I am no longer a feminist for myself, but for my beautiful, clever, little girl too

Camomila · 12/04/2019 15:22

I’ve always been a feminist, so it’s carried over into my parenting.
With DS - telling him it’s ok to cry, teaching him about consent/boundaries, and to do age appropriate helping around the house.
He sees daddy do as much cooking and housework as me, and he sees me go off to do stuff (work, study, see friends) as much as DH.

I am more cross about it since becoming a parent though, but that’s the same with so many things - the news nevertheless used to upset me as much before.

Camomila · 12/04/2019 15:24

The news never used to upset me...my iPad just like so to add words!

Alsohuman · 12/04/2019 15:25

@Bertrand, it was me you misquoted and misinterpreted. I have no idea whether my son is "pleased to be a man". I suspect he might be somewhat mystified by the concept. He has great respect for women and their achievements and can clearly see that many men are arseholes - is that a bad thing?

BertrandRussell · 12/04/2019 15:38

Bertrand, it was me you misquoted and misinterpreted“

Sorry, I didn’t mean to. It just made me think. Obviously many men are arseholes, and it’s encouraging men are starting to recognise it. But I do think there is scope for young men to think about masculinity, and maybe to consider how they deal with the world in the future.

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