Difficult situation at work

[Applejack5]

I think maybe IABU to moan about this, but it is getting quite stressful and I'm not sure what I can do.

I have a colleague in my department who does a different role to me, but I cover her work when she's on leave and fully know her role. We are in office based roles. She has always been a little scatty or forgotten the odd random thing over the past couple of years, but in the past 6 months or so she has become increasingly confused and forgetful to the point where she is consistently asking me for help with everyday tasks which I know she could've easily handled before. I am having to explain things all the time and she repeats herself a lot. She also has difficulty understanding new tasks assigned to her and has noticeably made a lot of mistakes in her work.

I suspect some kind of early onset dementia (in her 50s) but I'm no doctor!

I have discretely discussed this with our manager because I am worried about her as well as the impact on the company and on my own work through supporting her. Our manager said he had started to notice there was a problem and others had also mentioned this to him, but he didn't realise quite how serious it was. I realised that I'd probably been masking the issue a bit by helping my colleague out so much. I felt a bit like a tell-tale for going and moaning about this to our manager but it can't carry on forever and my colleague clearly needs some help.

So our manager encouraged her to see a doctor and she did, but this has been inconclusive and nothing has changed. She knows there's a problem with being forgetful but seems to think she's getting better (or at least says she feels that she is).

It has gotten to the point where I think that I could almost just do her job on top of mine more easily than I can keep helping her to do her job, which is very frustrating and time consuming. I also feels a bit unfair for me to have to keep supporting her like this as it's not my responsibility. Our manager says to let him know if he can do anything but when she is asking me how to do things or whether something she is writing makes sense I can't just tell her to go to our manager instead.

Ultimately, she can't perform her role in her current mental state and I have no idea how she would get anything done if I wasn't there to support her. I feel so sorry for her :(

Anyone with experience of anything like this? AIBU to try to push our manager to take some action?

ElsieMc please don't think I mean to trivialise your late DM's condition, but Her standard response to who is the prime minister was "that dick head". is totally fair enough

@ElsieMc I'm not sure if she can tell the time from an analog clock but she does frequently think it's time for a meeting due in an hour / half an hour etc. and says she doesn't know how to use her calendar in Outlook (I've tried suggesting the use of it multiple times, for reminders or to check things and she always says this). I've shown her how to get into it a couple of times lately but she still says she doesn't know and won't use it. I think that is a red flag too. Seems a bit extreme for menopause symptoms?

I'm having a chat to my manager again tomorrow. Fingers crossed my colleague will get proper help soon.

@Applejack5 what did your manager say?

He said it was useful giving him updates and he's been trying to intervene where possible when my colleague is asking me for help.

My colleague seems to think she's getting better but if anything I think she's getting more and more confused :(

Our manager has referred to HR and has a meeting scheduled with my colleague and HR this week to find a way forward. I'm not quite sure what that will be but at least they are recognising the problem and taking action.

Glad to hear about the meeting because TBH it sounds like he doesn't have a clue how to handle it himself. 'trying to intervene where possible when my colleague is asking me for help.' That's not managing, it's firefighting at best.

But presumably HR will be able to support him and thus her.

This may be cruel of me, OP, but I'd suggest booking a week off (or even two). You may find when you return that your manager has a far better appreciation of your colleague's situation (which does sound difficult) when you return, as you are probably screening him from the worst of it just by being there.

It sounds like they're just fire fighting the bigger issue here OP but without any real regard to the immediate short term/medium term impact on you.

This has been extremely poorly "managed" from the sound of it, and tbh they have a duty of care to you that's simply not being acknowledged or met.

I would seriously think about stepping back from providing the level of support you have been to this woman - signpost to your manager every time so he inherits the pain points that you've been dealing with.

I'd also seriously consider having a chat with your manager which isn't a simple catch up, but specifically called out as "the impact on my work and stress levels due to the situation with X" - write up a summary of the meeting and email it to your manager & yourself because you may need it if this continues and you end up stressed & off work because of it.

I'd also seriously consider taking 2 weeks off work, and explain to your manager why you need the holidays approved - you need time to regroup & let them deal with the other employee issues so that when you get back there will be an actual plan to manage it.

It's simply not on that you've been masking the problem at your own cost, it cannot continue.

The menopause doesn't really cause loss of memory, more moments confusion.

OP, whrn you say she doesn't know how to use the calendar on outlook, do you mean she just sit starring at the screen having no idea what the calendar does or is it that she might forget the button to tick to send an invite but as soon as you tell her, she says 'of course'.

The menopause can impact on brain functions because of lack of oestrogen but also because of the dreadful impact it can have on sleep not just for weeks or even months but sometimes years.

"OP, whrn you say she doesn't know how to use the calendar on outlook, do you mean she just sit starring at the screen having no idea what the calendar does or is it that she might forget the button to tick to send an invite but as soon as you tell her, she says 'of course'."

She says she doesn't use it, never has (not true) and doesn't know how to. She doesn't accept any meeting invites and has to be reminded. She booked a bit of leave and I suggested putting it in outlook as a reminder and so others can see that she's off and she wouldn't even try, just said she's got it written down in her notebook and doesn't use the outlook calendar. I had to show her where to click in outlook to find the calendar to check the time of a meeting recently.

I've got holiday booked later in the year and can't really take more right now, but it'd be a good idea to try otherwise! I do feel my stress levels rising at work because of this. I feel awful because it's not her fault she's like this but it's extremely frustrating for me.

Our manager has referred to HR and has a meeting scheduled with my colleague and HR this week to find a way forward.

While you've been doing everything right OP (if possibly a bit too much at your own expense out of a desire to help) and absolutely did the right thing by flagging the issue to your manager, he was out of line disclosing to you that HR are now involved. This should be dealt with confidentially between him, your colleague and HR and you shouldn't know what's going on from hereon in. Be aware you might have to be careful from now on not to let him make this a 'thing' that he gossips about with you. Your meeting should have been focused on how to minimise the effect your colleague's behaviour is having on you and setting out clear protocols for flagging further issues with your manager if needed - hopefully there was some of that involved in the discussion, for your sake.

I don't think mentioning that HR is involved is wrong? He didn't tell me details of his discussions with HR or anything like that, just that he's spoken to them and there's a meeting.

Tbh it made me feel a bit better knowing HR is involved as it means they're taking things seriously and this is more likely to be resolved / my colleague is likely to get some more help.

He did also tell me to refer any requests for help from my colleague which I can to him instead, and said he appreciates my support although it's not my responsibility. Unfortunately there are some things we just can't let slide which I do need to look out for but will let my manager know about so he can sort it. He seems to think the situation will be sorted in some way soon.

He did also tell me to refer any requests for help from my colleague which I can to him instead, and said he appreciates my support although it's not my responsibility

I like the sound of this - also that the the manager / HR / colleague will be meeting to discuss the issue. Hopefully decisions can now be made properly, fairly and soon

The lady may well resist requests for help being passed onto management, but if necessary you can explain that you're under instruction yourself, which makes the upwards reporting non-negotiable. Of course she might create chaos by avoiding asking for help at all, but that too would trigger competency proceedings, which happily won't be your responsibility

I just hope she doesn't get too upset or feel like I'm being mean when I say I can't help, speak to our manager instead. Hopefully I won't have to too much, if our manager and HR are actually looking for a way to resolve this and help her!

Thanks everyone.

I just hope she doesn't get too upset or feel like I'm being mean when I say I can't help, speak to our manager instead

I hope so too, though you might have to accept that it could easily happen

But you've genuinely done all you can, even at considerable personal cost, and now it's time for those who are paid for the responsibility to take over. As I said, there's no need to attract any blame to yourself - simply explain if necessary that this is what you're being required to do

I just hope she doesn't get too upset or feel like I'm being mean when I say I can't help, speak to our manager instead.

You can simply say, with absolute truth, that you've been instructed to concentrate on your work and not spend time helping with hers, and that the manager has said this is what must happen.

I don't think mentioning that HR is involved is wrong? He didn't tell me details of his discussions with HR or anything like that, just that he's spoken to them and there's a meeting.

It is, I'm afraid. Employees shouldn't know if their colleagues are subject to HR involvement, simply because it's none of their business how something is being addressed unless the individual themselves chooses to share it. He should have said something like "thank you, I am taking this seriously and will be taking action but you'll appreciate I can't discuss with you the specifics of what that action will be. In the meantime, if you're asked to help X again then refer her to me" (or whatever the agreed procedure is).

To be honest, I'd have easily guessed HR was involved because we have a very open office. Also my colleague mentioned the meeting to me herself (that she had one, not what it was about). I can see your point though.