Difficult situation at work

[Applejack5]

I think maybe IABU to moan about this, but it is getting quite stressful and I'm not sure what I can do.

I have a colleague in my department who does a different role to me, but I cover her work when she's on leave and fully know her role. We are in office based roles. She has always been a little scatty or forgotten the odd random thing over the past couple of years, but in the past 6 months or so she has become increasingly confused and forgetful to the point where she is consistently asking me for help with everyday tasks which I know she could've easily handled before. I am having to explain things all the time and she repeats herself a lot. She also has difficulty understanding new tasks assigned to her and has noticeably made a lot of mistakes in her work.

I suspect some kind of early onset dementia (in her 50s) but I'm no doctor!

I have discretely discussed this with our manager because I am worried about her as well as the impact on the company and on my own work through supporting her. Our manager said he had started to notice there was a problem and others had also mentioned this to him, but he didn't realise quite how serious it was. I realised that I'd probably been masking the issue a bit by helping my colleague out so much. I felt a bit like a tell-tale for going and moaning about this to our manager but it can't carry on forever and my colleague clearly needs some help.

So our manager encouraged her to see a doctor and she did, but this has been inconclusive and nothing has changed. She knows there's a problem with being forgetful but seems to think she's getting better (or at least says she feels that she is).

It has gotten to the point where I think that I could almost just do her job on top of mine more easily than I can keep helping her to do her job, which is very frustrating and time consuming. I also feels a bit unfair for me to have to keep supporting her like this as it's not my responsibility. Our manager says to let him know if he can do anything but when she is asking me how to do things or whether something she is writing makes sense I can't just tell her to go to our manager instead.

Ultimately, she can't perform her role in her current mental state and I have no idea how she would get anything done if I wasn't there to support her. I feel so sorry for her :(

Anyone with experience of anything like this? AIBU to try to push our manager to take some action?

[OldWomanSaysThis]

It could also be medication she's taking like sleep medication or some kind of anti-depressant or anxiety medication. This is my age group and almost every female I know is having issues with pills, alcohol, insomnia and/or hormones.

[clairethewitch70]

I have episodes like this caused by fibromyalgia fog.

[LarchedtotheLeft]

You definely need to keep flagging this up to management, otherwise they won't know that things haven't improved (excuse the double negative!)

How often does she interrupt you: Twice a day/once an hour? It is interfering with your workload as well. Tell your boss how much time is being lost. Don't get fobbed off, it needs sorting.

If you feel you can then mention it to her too. Suggest she goes back to GP or sees an Occupational Therapist. Make it clear that you are worried about her, not that you are annoyed.

In the short term can you suggest an alternative to asking you for help: e.g. a folder with prompts for tasks she's regularly forgetting like searching emails (I have one of these for Excel functions I only use once a year as I forget them in between otherwise).

It does sound really difficult

[Applejack5]

Thanks everyone.

This is consistent through the day and not in episodes.

Her emails don't make sense / don't get to the point any more. She asks me whether what she's about to send makes sense and it doesn't 99% of the time, so I have to explain what she needs to say or correct it.

She does drive and that worries me. She doesn't live alone, her DP seems to recognise there's a problem but from what she's said, maybe not how bad it is. He did support her by going to her appointment with her.

I'm doing my best to be kind and support her. I can't imagine going through something like this myself. I really hope it is something which can be treated or will improve.

[ALannisterInDebt]

You sound lovely and supportive, but I think you need to stop being her safety net so much, it's taking its toll on you.

Let her send the emails, tell her you don't know the answer to some of her many questions, step away (could your desk be moved to a different location in the office?) you need to be able to do your own job and leave her to it, it's very unfair on you.

This all needs to come to a head, and it won't happen with you carrying her constantly, she is in denial. I actually think the way she is using you is quite manipulative and very unfair.

I think it's very doubtful that this level of confusion could be menopause, and I'm sure her GP would have investigated this (it doesn't sound, to me, like she even went to the GP though).

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you need to look after your own mental health too, and carry two roles is not healthy.

[Applejack5]

I think the problem is that she would've likely told the GP she's a little forgetful but not the real extent of it, either because she doesn't realise or is in denial.

I suppose I do need to think about my own mental health too, as it's getting quite stressful.

I'm going to raise it again with our manager and HR I think, and maybe take notes though the day to show how bad it's getting.

[LordWheresMyShoes]

I would definitely start taking notes. Keep a little notebook/bank of your usual one separate so that the time, incident, how much of your time it took, is logged. Go to see your manager every, say, 10 entries. There's a weird equation gong on with him, whereby ignoring/minimising it for an easier life currently outweighs how much discomfort it is causing him - you need to go and be the bigger thorn in his side so he will sort it.

[swingofthings]

The menopause can cause this level of confusion?!
Yes it can and you go through it, it is scary enough, made worse when people around you judge you and assume you are suffering from dementia and feel resentful to help you.

You just have to go on the menopause page here to read threads after threads mentioning brain fog.

You need to step out of it. Help her if you want, don't if you don't want too but it's not up to you to judge if she can do her job or not. If it's as bad as you say, her manager should be referring her to occupational health.

[Musicaltheatremum]

She needs a brain scan. This could be a brain tumour. Or dementia or menopause but she needs further investigation.

[swingofthings]

Whatever the reason it is not for OP to get involved or make suggestions. Her manager should be checking this colleague's work and deal themselves with any concerns. Its their job as their manager.

[Applejack5]

"Yes it can and you go through it, it is scary enough, made worse when people around you judge you and assume you are suffering from dementia and feel resentful to help you."

Given the amount of help I've already given over the past few months, it could hardly be said that I'm resentful to help my colleague. It is not fair on me for this to go on long term. Do you think I should continue to support an extra role (which my colleague is paid to do, not me) long term?

I am in a position to judge whether she can do her job and I know she can't.

I can only hope my manager takes notice and further action I suppose!

[BadTigerKitty]

Symptoms like this turned out to be caused by a brain tumour for a (male) colleague in my office. Luckily for him, treatment was successful and he came back to work.

[clairemcnam]

If it is menopause, she may know that she is hit at her job, but is trying to hang on to it.
But if it is dementia she probably does not realise how bad it is.
It is a tough situation.

[Jayblue]

I do think you maybe need to take a step back. At the moment you are covering for her a lot and it must be impacting your own work too.

Whilst you cover for her, no-one else will realise how bad things are or how much help and support she needs. If she goes to the doctor, she may well say she is "coping" at work but she is only doing this because of your support. Equally your manager may have no idea of the scale of the problem.

Do you think taking a week's annual leave or working from home for a week would show up the issues?

Otherwise, I think you need to go back to your manager and show him just how much support you are giving X on a typical work day and ask him what he wants you to do going forwards.

[Applejack5]

That's the other worrying thing - if the GP isn't told the full extent of the symptoms they might not do the necessary tests to diagnose something like a brain tumour, or dementia. It's obviously best for her to get medical help ASAP, whatever the cause.

I don't think we have Occupational Health to refer to. Our manager should definitely have done that by now if we do though!

[swingofthings]

Do you think I should continue to support an extra role (which my colleague is paid to do, not me) long term?
It's up to you to decide. Maybe you can help a bit just not as much as you are now. If the workload is getting too much because of it, then gently say you can help more and advise her to speak with her manager.

That's the other worrying thing - if the GP isn't told the full extent of the symptoms they might not do the necessary tests
This is where you are over stepping the mark. Her medical issues are nothing to do with you. How would you feel her discussing say you having heavy bleeding and her suggesting to your boss that it might be because of an ovarian cancerous growth?

You've raised it with your manager, that's where your involvement ends. Just focus on what help you are able to continue to provide or not regardless of the reasons why she needs help.

[ScrewyMcScrewup]

Applejack, you don't sound resentful at all, but stressed and worried. Some posters are projecting at you unfairly.

[turnaroundbrighteyes]

My Mum was similar for a while (interestingly didnt make the connection at the time, but just after the menopause). She was really upset and due to the nature of her job had to speak to her boss and thought she might lose her job. Boss actually was v supportive and put extra checks in place whilst she went to gp.

After assessment at gp, memory clinic, etc it turned out that there was a small age related deficit exacerbated by not getting enough sleep and a couple of glasses of wine per night. But the main problem was she was so stressed and worried that it was dementia, having gone through it with parents.

Once she stopped worrying and adopted a healthier lifestyle - more sleep, no alcohol, vitamins, routine, etc she still had a slight deficit compared to before, but in the "normal" range.

[Asta19]

I'm another one who's thinking menopause. Not to blow my own trumpet but I was really good at my job and super efficient until I started peri menopause. Now I sometimes struggle to string a sentence together! I am so forgetful, work tasks can feel overwhelming. I make stupid mistakes. Don't underestimate how bad it can be.

I do feel sympathy for the situation you are in though. As others have said, I think you need to take a step back and she will have to figure this out herself.

[Applejack5]

Her medical issues are something to do with me because I'm directly affected by the symptoms, as discussed above. It is completely different to speculation over a physical issue.

I have stated that I'm no doctor but suspect dementia. I'm worried for her welfare that a serious medical issue isn't being addressed, that's all. I have made no suggestion to her that she has any particular illness.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll have a chat to my manager again, and keep the list of support given.

[Bluntness100]

I think this sounds very tough and she probably should not currently be in the role and needs some sick leave at least.

I'm quite shocked that menopause can hit so hard you forget to even know how to search your emails, or can't write coherent sentences. These are the basics of functioning.

It may be she doesn't wish to admit the extent of the issue, even to herself, and is trying to maintain a semblance of normality, because she's scared. But you're right, it should not be your problem longer term.

I think your manager and hr need to bring her in for a talk about her ability to do the role, and how to proceed in light of the problems she's been facing.

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

I think you need to flag this again to your manager and agree with him/her how to handle it. You can’t simply do 2 jobs. HR also need to be involved, they might be able to assist, the company might have private medical insurance they could involve etc. This is more about helping your colleague and ensuring you don’t become adversely affected by the extra work and stress
Either.

[Pinkruler]

In all honesty while it could be the menopause and that should be considered, it sounds more likely to be some form of dementia.

[Yabbers]

Is it normal to be so invested in the health of a colleague?

If there is an issue with her job and it impacts on you, then raising it with your boss is the right thing to do, but I don’t think it’s your place to do much more than that.

[Bluntness100]

What do you mean "if" . Did you not read the op, the whole point is it impacts the op and there is an issue with the job.