Difficult situation at work

[Applejack5]

I think maybe IABU to moan about this, but it is getting quite stressful and I'm not sure what I can do.

I have a colleague in my department who does a different role to me, but I cover her work when she's on leave and fully know her role. We are in office based roles. She has always been a little scatty or forgotten the odd random thing over the past couple of years, but in the past 6 months or so she has become increasingly confused and forgetful to the point where she is consistently asking me for help with everyday tasks which I know she could've easily handled before. I am having to explain things all the time and she repeats herself a lot. She also has difficulty understanding new tasks assigned to her and has noticeably made a lot of mistakes in her work.

I suspect some kind of early onset dementia (in her 50s) but I'm no doctor!

I have discretely discussed this with our manager because I am worried about her as well as the impact on the company and on my own work through supporting her. Our manager said he had started to notice there was a problem and others had also mentioned this to him, but he didn't realise quite how serious it was. I realised that I'd probably been masking the issue a bit by helping my colleague out so much. I felt a bit like a tell-tale for going and moaning about this to our manager but it can't carry on forever and my colleague clearly needs some help.

So our manager encouraged her to see a doctor and she did, but this has been inconclusive and nothing has changed. She knows there's a problem with being forgetful but seems to think she's getting better (or at least says she feels that she is).

It has gotten to the point where I think that I could almost just do her job on top of mine more easily than I can keep helping her to do her job, which is very frustrating and time consuming. I also feels a bit unfair for me to have to keep supporting her like this as it's not my responsibility. Our manager says to let him know if he can do anything but when she is asking me how to do things or whether something she is writing makes sense I can't just tell her to go to our manager instead.

Ultimately, she can't perform her role in her current mental state and I have no idea how she would get anything done if I wasn't there to support her. I feel so sorry for her :(

Anyone with experience of anything like this? AIBU to try to push our manager to take some action?

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Our manager says to let him know if he can do anything

So let him know. It's his responsibility to sort this out, not yours.

[DarlingNikita]

I can't just say go ask our manager things like that every time as that would be quite unsupportive and generally mean.

Yes you can. In fact you must. It is your manager's job to manage this, not yours.

In the very nicest way, OP, toughen up. You need to stop feeling like it's up to you to sort other people's issues out.

[JaneEyre07]

You're being incredibly kind towards this lady, but sadly that also enables your manager to turn a blind eye towards it.

Like others have said, you need to let her send these emails and stop helping her cover over the cracks. Gently say that you're very busy and can't look at everything she's doing all day.

It's not helping anyone long term, least of all her.

[MadameDD]

Menopause can definitely cause these symptoms!

I'm perimenopause but early stages pregnancy too (ha, thought that couldn't happen, pregnancy!) but beforehand though I didn't get hot flushes etc I was definitely more forgetful and had to make an effort to remember things.

What has really helped me are various supplements from health food shop, not necessarily for menopause but also healthier diet and regular exercise.

If your colleague has been in the role a long time then she can't just be sacked, especially if she can prove this is due to health issues, but a word with HR and her and maybe asking about health problems - is there another job she could do, reduce hours etc?

I had this happen to a colleague of mine a couple of years ago - had always been bad and lazy re learning new tasks but got worse in menopause years though she was still having periods etc. She would 'forget' huge amounts of stuff, I had to train her on a new portal for work which was hard going. She eventually went to health food shop and got a menopause supplement which she said really helped her as she didn't want to go on HRT (we had another colleague who was on and off HRT and had a nightmare with menopause).

And as someone else said, be kind to her.

[Womaninred]

This sounds like menopause and she is having really bad time and needs support from your employer. I really hope it’s big place with an HR dept that maybe can help. This is yet another issue woman deal with that’s invisible in world. The rise of women in workplace means more women in 50s in work than ever before but that employers don’t have policies to help those who have harder times during menopause than others. Trade unions paying attention. Like periods, menopause another stigma issue

www.stuc.org.uk/news/1343/menopause

[Poppyfr33]

I have found as I’ve got older I needed to slow down otherwise I make mistakes, I also write procedures for virtually all office tasks and have tick lists, it helps a great deal.

[Womaninred]

Woman’s hour on Radio 4 covered this lot and surveys show thousands women lose or leave jobs or reduce hours to cope with menopause even though symptoms just for while.

[Ijustwanttoretire]

The menopause can cause this level of confusion?!

Yes, I suffer from it too - and I am surrounded by 20/30 somethings at work so they really don't get it. I write everything down. And I mean EVERTHING. It is mortifying.

[StealthPolarBear]

How awful :( stressful for you and I bet terrifying for her.

[Acis]

Print off all the draft emails you get that don't make sense over the course of, say, a day, and over the same day make a note of all the queries you get from this colleague. Then go to your manager with those details, emphasise that they are not a one off but a very representative sample, and say that they need to sort something out for the sake of the company and for the sake of your colleague. Emphasise also that this is affecting your ability to do your own job.

[LizB62A]

The menopause can quite literally make you feel like you're losing your mind.....
It's awful.

I've been on HRT for the last 2.5 months and that seems to have helped with the brain fog - I'm able to concentrate better now.
I got to the point where I was seriously thinking I was going to have to change jobs for something much easier (not that I can afford to but I honestly thought I'd end up getting sacked for being so forgetful and scatty)

[DontCallMeCharlotte]

The menopause can cause this level of confusion?!

Yep. A friend of mine was being tested for dementia, MS, all sorts until they worked out it was the menopause and now she's through it and back to normal.

Also, I'm in my 50s and I started a new job four years ago. It's completely different from anything I've done before (aside from being parked in front of a computer) and is very technical - lots of computer boxes to tick and regulation etc. The role has also changed in the last two years so there was more new stuff to learn. I can do this job, I can do this job really well. But don't ask me what happened to a certain client last week as, if I've finished the procedure, my brain just files it straight to the recycle bin. It's like I've taken on sooo much new information in the last few years, there is absolutely no room for anything superfluous.

[ShartGoblin]

My first thought was menopause too, I work with a lovely lady going through it at the moment and her office is post it notes galore because everything keeps falling out of her head. I work in a really supportive office though so she's comfortable and open about it and we all work together to support her. The openness makes it much easier as we all know what to do and nobody feels put upon.

If we have a conversation I'll pop over a summary email and she's super organised so routinely checks various folders for info when she needs it. Anyone that doesn't know wouldn't have a clue and I'm so glad I work somewhere like this.

[LizB62A]

I have stated that I'm no doctor but suspect dementia

I ended up seeing a neurologist and having a brain scan as I was convinced that I was developing some sort of dementia

I couldn't even remember how to spell some simple words when typing sometimes, it was awful.
Add in the increased anxiety that a lot of us also get with the menopause, it's terrifying.
As in my post above, HRT has helped me.

Google menopause and brain fog, and please be kind to your colleague....

She can ask for reasonable adjustments at work to help her cope.

More info here which, if it is the menopause, might be useful to your manager (and you in the coming years.....):
menopauseintheworkplace.co.uk/employment-law/avoid-tribunal-over-menopause-discrimination/

[clairemcnam]

Madame Of course she can been sacked for health issues. If you are incapable of doing the job you can be sacked, and people are sacked all the time for health issues. Employers need to make reasonable adjustments, that is all. And reasonable adjustments do not mean keeping someone on who is incapable of doing the job at all.

[VforVienetta]

Agree with everyone else that you need to log the problems you’re helping with and show your manager how much time you’re spending correcting them, even the minor ones, as they interrupt your work flow.
She may well be suffering with something temporary that adjustments could be made for, so it’s in everyone’s interest that you find a better solution.
As an ex-admin, i’d help her (with manager’s knowledge) make an ‘Idiot’s Guide’ to her job and basic tasks, as if for a temp with no experience, including tech prompts and templates to copy for email so that she can refer to that first before coming to you.
A PP’s colleague has post its all over, and that’s perfectly sensible. Reasonable adjustments to help her cope with her current state, and no more pretending she’s fine.

[StealthPolarBear]

Madame said 'just sacked' though and so I agree. They can get rid but there's a process they need to follow.

[swingofthings]

Her medical issues are something to do with me because I'm directly affected by the symptoms, as discussed above
Her medical issues have nothing to do with you. You might be affected by her work input but that doesn't mean her health is anything to do with you. You are too invested and making health assumptions that are unfounded. Remove yourself from the situation if it is stressing you and focus on your role only.

If her issue is due to the menopause, you can expect her to also suffer from high anxiety and she's probably very frightened herself of what is happening to her.

Your manager knows and she's been to the GP, the details of which is none of your business.

[BeansandRice]

Oh God, the menopause. Terrible memory blanks and slight panic because of that is the only downside I experience, post-menopausally.

It's horrid, so be kind to your colleague.

[Applejack5]

To be clear (without being too specific in case it's outing), my colleague and I are both in professional roles and are not administrators. It is not as simple as writing down processes as a large part of her job is reactive and is quite varied. She has written notes on a few things but it doesn't seem to make any difference. Her mistakes could have a serious detrimental impact on the company, so I can't just sit by and refuse to help, but I could start passing things on to our manager more and I will. I'm going to keep updating him when I do help too so he knows the full extent of the problem.

I don't think I've made any unfounded health assumptions.

[swingofthings]

I don't think I've made any unfounded health assumptions
Of course you have, you've said you suspected dementia even though there could be a much more likely explanation.

You think her mistakes are dangerous, surely either your boss hasn't been made aware of these, in which case why not, or he is aware and he doesn't have the same concerns over safety. Or he is and is dealing with it but not telling you what is happening because its not for you to know. Maybe they've had meetings about it that you know nothing about.

[GabrielleNelson]

I'm very supportive of anyone who has a grim time in the perimenopausal years. I just wanted to mention that not all of us are affected the same way. It seems to be a lottery. I'm well through it now and feeling fine on the whole except that I still get lots of hot flushes, but that doesn't bother me very much. I feel very, very fortunate that I never had the brain fog. It sounds horrendous.

The key thing with the menopause is to be prepared. It's an issue that doesn't get talked about much so often people are taken by surprise by the various symptoms.

This might help: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/23S9Q66Jrl5lsJwtrnfycFL/are-there-natural-alternatives-to-hrt

And this was quite good too: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bt4c3m

[Applejack5]

Her mistakes are not 'dangerous', nobody's going to get hurt. They will have an impact on the business. There are no safety concerns and I haven't said that, so you are making assumptions swingofthings.

You have not personally experienced the extent of her confusion and forgetfulness. I said I suspect dementia and this is not unfounded given the symptoms. I also said I'm no doctor and it could well be something else.

If you were in my colleague's position would you want me to ignore you and refuse to help with anything because I should step back and it's none of my business? That would hardly be kind or supportive.

[Bluntness100]

Swingofthings, I don't know what's causing you to lash out like this and attack, but the op has done nothing wrong, and quite frankly is being very restrained in light of your onslaught.

[Abra1de]

A colleague of mine started to behave like this. He was diagnosed with MS and eventually had to give up work. He’d been brilliant at his job.