Difficult situation at work

[Applejack5]

I think maybe IABU to moan about this, but it is getting quite stressful and I'm not sure what I can do.

I have a colleague in my department who does a different role to me, but I cover her work when she's on leave and fully know her role. We are in office based roles. She has always been a little scatty or forgotten the odd random thing over the past couple of years, but in the past 6 months or so she has become increasingly confused and forgetful to the point where she is consistently asking me for help with everyday tasks which I know she could've easily handled before. I am having to explain things all the time and she repeats herself a lot. She also has difficulty understanding new tasks assigned to her and has noticeably made a lot of mistakes in her work.

I suspect some kind of early onset dementia (in her 50s) but I'm no doctor!

I have discretely discussed this with our manager because I am worried about her as well as the impact on the company and on my own work through supporting her. Our manager said he had started to notice there was a problem and others had also mentioned this to him, but he didn't realise quite how serious it was. I realised that I'd probably been masking the issue a bit by helping my colleague out so much. I felt a bit like a tell-tale for going and moaning about this to our manager but it can't carry on forever and my colleague clearly needs some help.

So our manager encouraged her to see a doctor and she did, but this has been inconclusive and nothing has changed. She knows there's a problem with being forgetful but seems to think she's getting better (or at least says she feels that she is).

It has gotten to the point where I think that I could almost just do her job on top of mine more easily than I can keep helping her to do her job, which is very frustrating and time consuming. I also feels a bit unfair for me to have to keep supporting her like this as it's not my responsibility. Our manager says to let him know if he can do anything but when she is asking me how to do things or whether something she is writing makes sense I can't just tell her to go to our manager instead.

Ultimately, she can't perform her role in her current mental state and I have no idea how she would get anything done if I wasn't there to support her. I feel so sorry for her :(

Anyone with experience of anything like this? AIBU to try to push our manager to take some action?

[squeaver]

I think you're taking a lot of flak here, Applejack and that you really are concerned about your colleague's health.

If she's unable to do some of the things you say - how to search in emails, how to save files - and doesn't recognise that what's she's writing makes no sense, then that is an inability to do the most basic parts of anyone's job, whatever level they are.

I think you should keep a record of everything that's happening over, say, a week then have another conversation with your manager.

[DarlingNikita]

If you were in my colleague's position would you want me to ignore you and refuse to help with anything because I should step back and it's none of my business? That would hardly be kind or supportive.

OP, there is a difference between being kind and supportive and taking on your colleague's problems and trying to hide or solve them yourself.

You can be a kind and supportive colleague to her by listening to her if she needs to talk. That's not the same as what you describe doing at the moment, which is essentially a combination of managing her/micromanaging her and doing her job for her. That's not sustainable.

[maddening]

The biggest concern is not the forgetfulness but the fact that her written work has ceased to make sense - can that really be Menopause?

[Applejack5]

DarlingNikita, I agree.

I am struggling with saying no when asked for help and I do need to be stronger in that respect. It's a difficult situation and it is definitely not sustainable.

Hopefully if I keep raising it and referring to our manager my colleague will get the help she needs.

[UCOinanOCG]

You sound very kind and very concerned about your colleague OP. However you do need to try and pass on more of your concerns to your manager and also get your colleague to go to the manager more with her problems. This way he can start to see the extent of the issues for himself.

[swingofthings]

@Bluntness100, because I was in the situation of the colleague and its hell. Thankfully, my colleagues understood and accepted that I suddenly wasn't the sharp person I used to be.

If one of them had posted here and said they thought I was suffering from dementia and considered that my health issues were their problem, I would have been furious.

When you go through it, you don't want others to get involved. It's scary, humiliating and it's bad enough having to open up with your boss. The last thing you need is a younger colleague who doesn't understand the impact of the menopause to decide what they think is wrong with you.

Helping is nice, very nice, but if it comes with judgement and reporting to the boss, then, it's not really helping. As said, if they are making errors that could cost the business, then the boss should become aware of it without needing someone to report regularly to them.

[swingofthings]

Our manager said he had started to notice there was a problem and others had also mentioned this to him, but he didn't realise quite how serious it was
So now he does know. It's up to him to decide what to do from now. If he does nothing, that's his decision.

Just say to her that you are not able to help anymore as it is impacting on your work and tell her to discuss it with the manager, and that's that.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Her mistakes could have a serious detrimental impact on the company

If this happens, and you've continued to mask the problem by helping her too readily and being reluctant to say no, guess who'll get the blame?

Hint: it won't be her and it certainly won't be the manager

[Applejack5]

@swingofthings I'm sorry you've been through something like this but you don't know for sure that my colleague is going through the menopause and that this is the same issue.

"Helping is nice, very nice, but if it comes with judgement and reporting to the boss, then, it's not really helping"

Do you really think I shouldn't have reported anything to our manager at all? Despite my concern for my colleague and the fact that he wouldn't know the full extent of the problem if I didn't report it as I work most closely to her?

[Applejack5]

Also my colleague has nothing to be furious about. This is an anonymous forum. It's not like I've posted identifying details!

[swingofthings]

Do you really think I shouldn't have reported anything to our manager at all?
Gosh no, you did the right thing, definitely. The point is you've told him, he agreed, it's now up to him to deal with him.

but you don't know for sure that my colleague is going through the menopause and that this is the same issue
Absolutely, it could indeed be something serious. My point is that she should be entitled to her privacy and not have colleagues coming up with potential diagnosis.

It's not nice to have medical issues that are humiliating and have people talking about it.

[DarlingNikita]

Hopefully if I keep raising it and referring to our manager my colleague will get the help she needs.

I really think you should raise it with him once, clearly and in as much detail as you need to to make him aware of the nature and extent of the problems, and say explicitly that, now you've raised it, you will neither be coming to him again with it nor covering for your colleague; it's not an efficient use of your time or skills to do so.

[LikeARedBalloon]

I could have written your original post about 3 years ago. My colleague was the same. I supported her, covered her mistakes and also raised my concerns with management. Unfortunately my colleague just flipped one morning and put in a complaint against me for bullying her! She realised she couldn't do her job efficiently anymore but knew that financially she couldn't leave. So she threw me under the wheels! I got transferred and eventually left the company due to their unsupportive attitude. She is now causing all sorts of problems for my replacement who is having the same problems but doesn't want to tell management in case it happens again.
I feel for you OP. Make sure you cover your back.

[Applejack5]

@LikeARedBalloon That's terrible! She can't have been that confused or forgetful though if she would intentionally push away your support (potentially exposing her errors more) by putting in the complaint? I can see your point though, things can turn nasty sometimes!

@swingofthings
"It's not nice to have medical issues that are humiliating and have people talking about it."

I can understand this, but I have not spoken to anyone except our manager about it (in private) and then only out of necessity. I also have not said to him what I think it could be, just described my concerns / specific issues which have arisen. If I was gossiping about it around the office, that would be out of order.

Anyway, I have raised it a few times now and am going to say no to helping wherever possible. Fingers crossed my colleague will get the help she needs soon.

[OldWomanSaysThis]

Someone once told me the difference between non-dementia and dementia is forgetting where you left your car key (not dementia) and knowing what a car key actually does (dementia).

No matter what is up with your co-worker she's become dependent on you and the more you support her the more she will lean on you for support. As long as you support her your company is happy - what do they care who does what as long as things get done? I would document it and take it back to HR. You may or may not have any luck.

At my own job, I've been supporting a late stage alcoholic with borderline personality disorder. It's exhausting and I am over it and am planning to leave. Complaining about it did nothing. Yes, I know I should have compassion and empathy and I suck, but I can't keep spoon feeding her job to her when I have my own job to do.

[lljkk]

Need to push your managers to come up with a better working arrangement. Or just say No & let whatever consequences follow. She can't do her job any more. If you're doing the work of 2 people, you should get paid for it. Stop covering for her. This is not unkind, you deserve better, too.

[Applejack5]

I did start writing down instances of my colleague asking me how to do things she should've known, not understanding

[Applejack5]

Oops hit post too soon!

... repeating things, forgetting people's names, needing me to check work or rewrite it etc. Generally anything concerning.

It made me feel a bit mean, but I've realised now it might actually be helpful.

There were several instances every day. In terms of work tasks supported, it's sometimes up to about 75% of what she is doing, if I include helping with IT issues and proof reading things etc. I know this is way too much so hopefully my notes could be used to get the seriousness of the situation across.

[myidentitymycrisis]

I’m menopausal and often warn all the youngsters in my office: ‘just wait it’ll happen to you’!’. It might not of course but I don’t like to think we should all be medicated for a natural process. My GP remarked that I could still work for 10 years if I took hrt!

[GarthFunkel]

With the proof reading and rewriting - can you get her to email or print out what she needs changing - rather than you doing it over her shoulder on her screen - so that you have a physical before & after copy.

[HappyGirl86]

Oh my gosh I could have written this post myself a year or so ago.
I worked with a woman who was almost identical. It started off small but then it gradually got to a point where she didn't know people's names sometimes, she'd forget how to log on to her own computer and was constantly getting locked out of it. It was quite scary how confused she was becoming.
Because we sort of covered each other in terms of work her jobs would become more and more confusing and messed up so myself and my other two colleagues would raise it with our manager. She would try to speak to her about things and she'd just say things like "these computer systems are so complicated now it's all changed" when actually nothing had changed.
I spent so much time helping her to save files or send emails etc that I had to raise it with my boss because I wasnt getting all my own work done, plus we were actually getting really worried about her.
Sometimes I wondered how she remembered to get from the car to the office!
We kept raising things and not a great deal seemed to be happening although our manager did ask if she felt she had a memory issue and she said no.
Then one day she really messed up on a job and it was a confidentiality breach and a customer made a complaint. She was quickly suspended and was going through a investigation. We don't know much about what happened at all but she ended up leaving. I always feel sad about it because maybe she needed extra support and didn't even realise herself.
I would say keep raising things with management because you don't want to get to a point where she gets herself into trouble like my colleague did.

[SofaSurfer20]

She needs to revisit the doctor.

That does sound like early onset dementia.

Has she got family?

[MoreSlidingDoors]

The menopause can cause this level of confusion?!

Absolutely. It was deemed to be a disability during a recent Tribunal case.

[ElsieMc]

As a pp has stated, early onset dementia is not just about forgetting names etc, it is about losing confidence and the ability to understand and carry out everyday tasks. Her lack of ability to carry out straightforward tasks is a real red flag here. I wonder if she can tell the time, work out money etc which are also giveaways and even family members do not notice until someone has a holiday where their deterioration becomes more apparent.

I have been through the menopause, suffered sleep disturbances, hot flushes, was tearful and lacking in confidence, low in mood. But I never forgot how to log on to a computer, read or send emails, boil the kettle, or take things very literally.

My late dm had a number of tests and passed her earlier ones, although the psychogeriatrican said there was clearly something wrong. She just about managed the Mini mental state examination. Her standard response to who is the prime minister was "that dick head". Again, another indicator as she abhorred bad language and was losing her inhibitions.

Your manager is wrong to let you carry the burden here and you must speak to him/her again.

[fizzandchips]

I think you sound very supportive of your colleague. You are right to acknowledge that this situation is also having an impact on you. As others have said if your focus at work is always your concern for her, rather than a burden for you hopefully your request for support from management should be met. However I feel it’s really important you keep a very detailed log for one week of every single time you, effectively, stop doing your job to support your colleague. I would note the time of day, the request and the length of time you spent. This can then be sent to management not only because they need to understand the nature of your support, but importantly if you were questioned about your productivity you have evidence why. You mentioned earlier you had started to do this at one point, but felt mean, but I think it’s an important step (and I acknowledge will be even more time consuming for you) but then you can go back to management with evidence of how much your colleague relies on you. Good luck.