To think I'm the evil step mother....

[tinkertinker1]

Because I've said no to this....

Dsd should be coming tomorrow evening until Sunday. She broke up from school last week.

My 2 dcs have not broken up from school yet. They break up tomorrow.

Dsd Is 5. This morning dh had a phone call from dsd (not his mother) asking if she could sleep tonight.

It's not really possible for her to sleep tonight.

As I've said, my dcs are still at school and Thursdays are manic. We dont even come home after the school run due to after school activities. Thursday is known as 'pack up tea' as I make them a pack up for tea to eat while we are out. We don't usually get home until 7.45-8pm.

Dh always works late on Thursdays and gets in just after us usually. There is no way he can finish early either at such short notice.

So potentially dsd could be dropped off around 8pm....

But I cannot look after her tomorrow either and neither can dh. Again, dh cannot get the day off at such short notice and I have a million and one things on school related (last day of term) and also 2 baby groups (have a 6 month old).

As soon as school finishes, I'm driving 2.5 hours to drop my dcs off with their dad for a few days. And I would have to also take dsd with me and I cant fit her in my car.

So I have said that I cannot have dsd at such short notice. As I've said, I won't even be able to fit an extra car seat in my car.

We already had school holidays sorted, we have dsd next week and we are going on holiday. We are having her half the holidays as we always do.

I just feel it was so wrong of the ex to get dsd to ring and ask if she could stay. Now we look like the bad ones for saying no. The ex should of asked, not the child. Or Aibu to think this?

I also kind of feel I was expected to just have dsd and fit it around my plans. Dh went very quiet with me when I said no to looking after her.

Just to add - I do a lot for dsd. I always have and I always will but sometimes I just feel taken advantage of and this is the first time I've ever said no.

Or perhaps the main thing is that DSD feels she is as much a priority to her mother as a night out on the town, and that her mother never puts her in the position of having to ask, or OP and her DH in the position of having to say no, in such a way again?

Read the post

No need to be rude.

I had read it that she wanted childcare in the day too as you mentioned that her school had already broken up.

The fact remains that your DSD has two parents who should both be pro-active in making sure her school holidays are covered.

@Goldmandra they have covered the holidays... this is a one off because DSD's mum wants a night out...as has been stated about 3 times already

And she has one mother who needs to get her priorities straight. Daughter first. Social life a very distant runner up - AFTER ensuring all her daughters needs have been met. Including not putting the child in this sort of position merely to prioritise her social life over her child.

OP... you really don't need to justify your decision. It wasn't convenient to what you already had on.

I also wouldn't bother saying anything to your DSD about it. That just makes it a big issue, which is unnecessary.

You have no reason to feel guilty and just because her wants a night out with little notice, does not mean you should be forced to change your plans and have your children miss out on activities they were scheduled to do.

@Goldmandra they have covered the holidays... this is a one off because DSD's mum wants a night out...as has been stated about 3 times already

I know

Then why state that both parents should cover school holidays when that's already been done

Then why state that both parents should cover school holidays when that's already been done

Why shouldn't both parents take responsibility for planning for the school holidays?

They have.

Yanbu.
But I reckon it's more about the ex having an issue with the family holiday you're having the following week without dsd.

OP, you’re just going to get post after post of people who either haven’t read properly, or just don’t want you to be reasonable because you’re a stepmother.

@Goldmandra here's how it worked:

Ex asked us to have dsd the second week of the Easter hols. She was having her the first. That's fine with us. Dh books that week off and we book a holiday.

Ex asks us to have dsd for one night during her week with dsd giving us only 12 hours notice.
This is due to a last minute night out she wants to go on and her usual baby sitters cannot have her.

1. Dh cant get the time off - due to deadlines and the fact tomorrow is his last day of work for a week.

1. I cannot have dsd for reasons I have mentioned.

Clear enough for you?????

If the ex had given more notice then maybe something could of been sorted. So yes in fact you are right that parents need to be proactive....but in this case it's of dsd's mum. Not dh.

The family holiday includes the dsd.

tinkertinker1

I'm not sure what you think I didn't understand other than that I read into your first post that cover was needed in the day because you mentioned that her holidays had already started. I've already explained that.

No need to get your knickers in such a twist about it.

And she has one mother who needs to get her priorities straight. Daughter first. Social life a very distant runner up - AFTER ensuring all her daughters needs have been met

Hmmm...the mum in question isn’t able to speak for herself here. There is no indication that the child in question isn’t well cared for generally. There is no way of knowing what might have come up for her at short notice. And even if it is ‘social life’ she has an absolute right to one, the same as any one else. Presumably, she prefers her child to be in the care of a parent than a babysitter and attempted to make that arrangement. Presumably, she will forgo the social life or make other suitable arrangements.

The issue here is not that the ex has a social life, but rather her ex has assumed his new partner will pick up the slack if he can’t. Why make it about the ex?

Don't over-think it. No means no. Maybe next time.

@CanILeavenowplease she is generally well cared for. Like you say, it's not about the night out.

But as for 'why make it about the ex?'...she really shouldn't have got dsd to make the call to dh. That's just so unfair on dsd and dh. And myself really too.

You've done nothing wrong OP, don't let it bother you. The car comments are irrelevant, 2.5hr round trips for drop offs are shit, bringing another along for the ride would be shitter. She'll have to make other arrangements.

Op make sure u don’t go harsh on urself because after a while u might start resenting step daughter, naturally..

U need to be fair on urself. U have two kids to take care of and being assigned responsibility last minute and beyond your means, which actually belongs to DH and her mother, is just not fair on u.

So no is no. Maybe next time. Tell step daughter u really wanted to see her but you wish u knew earlier as you were very busy needed to take your kids “appointments”. Anything that let’s her see .

Poor step daughter stuck in this. And poor u op.

But u did very well. If the dad wants to compromise then yeh go on. But it’s not on ur shoulder

If she needs emergency child care she can go to her mum or sister or whoever.. not to you...

To Be fair though I disagree thought with blaming the ex (mother). She probably didn’t think it through. DH isn’t at fault but if he feels bad then he can compromise for his child.

But as for 'why make it about the ex?'...she really shouldn't have got dsd to make the call to dh

I agree. The issue is it’s impossible to know if that was a calculated move on her part or just thoughtlessness whilst trying to do 101 things at the same time.

As a caveat, I would rarely tell my ex the truth when it came to asking for an extra night. At short notice, it would mean an emergency medical appointment, a desperate attempt to shoehorn in something like a haircut or shopping for something urgently, a job interview or something else. I would probably say ‘I’m going out’, however, as it’s non-comittal and tell him nothing at all!

@CanILeavenowplease when he spoke to her, she was very honest about it being a night out she wanted to go on. She said she thought dh would be best off having her as dsd is coming Friday night anyway so we just have her the extra night. Then dsd goes home Sunday night and comes back to us Monday afternoon for our holiday until the following Sunday.

As far as I know, she's got someone else to watch dsd so at least there's been no arguments etc.

I'm probably guna get slated for this but our set up is..When one of us is in work and the other one is off but are still doing running around housework shopping appointments etc the parent who is off is not expected to look after the ones children. So if dp dc are off on school holidays and my dh is in work they stay with the Ex until he is off to look after themor they go to his mothers. I will not b looking after them. It's not my responsibility. The same as when I have to work weekends my dc go to my parents or their dads. Never my partner as he has commitments etc n my dc are not his n not his job. We r both clear and it works well for us. If it was an hour or two then that's different but all day then No. also if they came to live with us full time i would still not b babysitt Cooking etc ye for them yes but no baby ugh