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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm the evil step mother....

105 replies

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 10:08

Because I've said no to this....

Dsd should be coming tomorrow evening until Sunday. She broke up from school last week.

My 2 dcs have not broken up from school yet. They break up tomorrow.

Dsd Is 5. This morning dh had a phone call from dsd (not his mother) asking if she could sleep tonight.

It's not really possible for her to sleep tonight.

As I've said, my dcs are still at school and Thursdays are manic. We dont even come home after the school run due to after school activities. Thursday is known as 'pack up tea' as I make them a pack up for tea to eat while we are out. We don't usually get home until 7.45-8pm.

Dh always works late on Thursdays and gets in just after us usually. There is no way he can finish early either at such short notice.

So potentially dsd could be dropped off around 8pm....

But I cannot look after her tomorrow either and neither can dh. Again, dh cannot get the day off at such short notice and I have a million and one things on school related (last day of term) and also 2 baby groups (have a 6 month old).

As soon as school finishes, I'm driving 2.5 hours to drop my dcs off with their dad for a few days. And I would have to also take dsd with me and I cant fit her in my car.

So I have said that I cannot have dsd at such short notice. As I've said, I won't even be able to fit an extra car seat in my car.

We already had school holidays sorted, we have dsd next week and we are going on holiday. We are having her half the holidays as we always do.

I just feel it was so wrong of the ex to get dsd to ring and ask if she could stay. Now we look like the bad ones for saying no. The ex should of asked, not the child. Or Aibu to think this?

I also kind of feel I was expected to just have dsd and fit it around my plans. Dh went very quiet with me when I said no to looking after her.

Just to add - I do a lot for dsd. I always have and I always will but sometimes I just feel taken advantage of and this is the first time I've ever said no.

OP posts:

Amongstthetallgrass · 11/04/2019 12:36

The OP should change all her plans so that the DSDs mother can have a night out..

That’s completely irrelevant.

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 12:40

@Amongstthetallgrass but I do?? I've paid for them and my baby enjoys them. Am I supposed to not go because the ex wants to go out tonight? We also live 3 miles away from school so seen as I can't fit everyone in my car, shall we just get on 2 buses to get to school and back? I don't think you get it.

As I have said already, I have dsd whenever so she doesn't feel left out and so she gets to build a relationship with her new sibling!

It's like you can't win, put your step children first and you get taken advantage of....big time.

Yet say no just once and you get made to feel like you are deliberately pushing her out of the family.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2019 12:42

@Huskylover1

So you don't have a car that you can drive, that fits all the children in? That needs changing pronto.

What world do you live in? Not everyone can afford to change cars at the drop of a hat!
They have a solution that works when they all need to go out

mbosnz · 11/04/2019 12:43

Is it just me, or is there something of a disparity between the expectations of stepmothers, and those of stepfathers?

It seems to me that a stepmother is expected to bend herself inside and out, and into double knots, for her stepchildren. Whereas if a stepfather makes any effort whatsoever for his stepchildren, he's God's annointed, as my mother would say.

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2019 12:46

That’s completely irrelevant.

It's very relevant. Why should 6 people be put out for 1 person (who isn't even the child in the situation?)

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 12:47

@mbosnz for me the issue is I don't work. My eldest has special needs so I gave up work for him a long time ago.

Thankfully now he is much more manageable which led me to wanting my last baby (always wanted 3). Once my baby is bigger and depending on the needs of ds, I'll be going back to work.

I do bring in an income but it feels like as I don't work, I'm expected to bend over backwards. I don't know if it would be the same if I was working.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2019 12:48

That’s completely irrelevant.

Of course it's not irrelevant

mbosnz · 11/04/2019 12:50

I absolutely hear what you're saying about the guilt of not working (outside the home) - but you still do have commitments. (It most probably would be the same if you were working. . .)

And because you usually bend over backwards, I'm sure that this wee girl will not take from this ONE event, that she is unloved and unwelcome.

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 12:53

@mbosnz thank you, I hope so. I'll have a chat with her tomorrow like I said. And we are all going on holiday next week where we can all be together as a family and have quality time. Thanks for you comments x

OP posts:

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 11/04/2019 12:54

YABU for thinking you have done anything wrong IMO.

DH should sort it.

funinthesun19 · 11/04/2019 12:54

I can understand your reasons but there is a five year old now believing that there isn’t space for her in her dads new family

That’s not the op’s fault though is it?

Why can’t parents just be held accountable for their actions in these situations? Mainly the child’s mother in this scenario! Ffs.

Palaver1 · 11/04/2019 12:55

You are a supportive SM as far as you know you do the right and acceptable things by her I wouldn’t worry.
It was your husbands duty to step up and explain that it was literally impossible.

sonjadog · 11/04/2019 12:56

It´s only one night and there are good reasons why it doesn't suit you. It really isn't going to make your DSD feel rejected from the family that one single time it didn't work out that she could come and stay. In families with lots of people sometimes the answer to what you want has to be no because other family members are being prioritized at that time. This particular time, it was her turn to get a no in reply. Really not a big deal.

Acis · 11/04/2019 13:08

I think you were very wrong to say no, there's nothing there a child couldn't have tagged along with.

Really? Is OP supposed to sit DSD on the car roof or something? Did you actually read her messages, Icecream?

Lizzie48 · 11/04/2019 13:09

Yes I've noticed that.

You have nothing to feel bad about, OP. The fact that you're agonising over it says it all, you're definitely not an evil stepmum. The only one being unreasonable here, as far as I can see, is your DSD's mum for getting a 5 year old to make the request.

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/04/2019 13:10

I don’t think the op should think about what she would do if it was her own child. Same with any other stepparent really. I think in these situations, the child’s actual parents should be thinking more about what they are going to do!

You are free to think what you like. I have raised two stepkids to adulthood, have a great relationship with them both and am considered every bit a grandparent to their kids. I have always strived to do what is best for the kids, regardless of dna, and to do for my partner what I would hope they would do for me. My way may not be the only way but it has proved successful for my family. You seem to think that step-parents are not an integral part of the overall blended family. Good luck with that attitude.

Bookworm4 · 11/04/2019 13:16

How can 4 kids not fit in your car? Can the baby cr seat not go in front or the eldest child?

Goldmandra · 11/04/2019 13:16

How does your DH work with his ex to ensure that school holiday childcare is covered for his DD?

Petalflowers · 11/04/2019 13:20

The car seat issue is definitely a valid reason for saying no.

However, the baby groups isn’t a reason as you either take dc, or not go at all.

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 13:21

@Goldmandra in all honesty, she just tells dh the weeks she wants us to have dsd and that's what we do. It's split 50/50 or usually we have her slightly more due to having her on weekends. Dh then books that time off work.

@Bookworm4 because they don't. All 3 kids in high back boosters and a car seat with an isofix base just doesn't fit.

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 13:25

@Petalflowers well no because I've paid in advance for these sessions. One of them is swimming which is £11 a session and the other group is £5 a session and my baby enjoys them.

The £5 I could take dsd too but the swimming I can't and I'm sorry but I don't see why I should make the baby miss out.

Again, if I had more notice other than this morning, I could of maybe worked it out somehow.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 11/04/2019 13:26

Maybe your DH could take more of an active role in this planning by finding out when the holidays are and initiating the conversations about childcare. It could help avoid the need for last minute help in the future and nobody would have to look like a baddie..

The most important thing is that the DD feels like she is as much of a priority as the other children in your family and isn't ever put in the position of being rejected like this again.

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 13:28

@Goldmandra dsd mum is on a night out and has no one to look after her! Nothing to do with school holidays!! Read the post

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 11/04/2019 13:28

You did the right thing by saying no. If you agreed it would have become a more frequent occurrence.

Agreeing to do stuff like this and then being run ragged is much worse. You actually get angry with yourself, so it's good to maintain firm boundaries.

YouTheCat · 11/04/2019 13:30

The ex didn't need last minute help. She just wanted to have a night out. The holidays have already been arranged and the dsd is going away with OP, her dad and the other kids.

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