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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm the evil step mother....

105 replies

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 10:08

Because I've said no to this....

Dsd should be coming tomorrow evening until Sunday. She broke up from school last week.

My 2 dcs have not broken up from school yet. They break up tomorrow.

Dsd Is 5. This morning dh had a phone call from dsd (not his mother) asking if she could sleep tonight.

It's not really possible for her to sleep tonight.

As I've said, my dcs are still at school and Thursdays are manic. We dont even come home after the school run due to after school activities. Thursday is known as 'pack up tea' as I make them a pack up for tea to eat while we are out. We don't usually get home until 7.45-8pm.

Dh always works late on Thursdays and gets in just after us usually. There is no way he can finish early either at such short notice.

So potentially dsd could be dropped off around 8pm....

But I cannot look after her tomorrow either and neither can dh. Again, dh cannot get the day off at such short notice and I have a million and one things on school related (last day of term) and also 2 baby groups (have a 6 month old).

As soon as school finishes, I'm driving 2.5 hours to drop my dcs off with their dad for a few days. And I would have to also take dsd with me and I cant fit her in my car.

So I have said that I cannot have dsd at such short notice. As I've said, I won't even be able to fit an extra car seat in my car.

We already had school holidays sorted, we have dsd next week and we are going on holiday. We are having her half the holidays as we always do.

I just feel it was so wrong of the ex to get dsd to ring and ask if she could stay. Now we look like the bad ones for saying no. The ex should of asked, not the child. Or Aibu to think this?

I also kind of feel I was expected to just have dsd and fit it around my plans. Dh went very quiet with me when I said no to looking after her.

Just to add - I do a lot for dsd. I always have and I always will but sometimes I just feel taken advantage of and this is the first time I've ever said no.

OP posts:

OffToBedhampton · 11/04/2019 11:02

Ah cross posted (it took me a while to type!) Glad you/DH have dealt with it OP.

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 11:02

Yes dh has said something to her. I think that's the main reason he was hoping I could help as it was dsd who asked him. And I understand that. If the ex rang him, he would of directly said 'sorry it's too short notice for tonight' and that would have been that. Its only as he spoke to dsd, he felt bad which is very understandable as I feel bad too. Otherwise I wouldn't of posted on here.

Hopefully she won't do it again

OP posts:

Huskylover1 · 11/04/2019 11:26

So you don't have a car that you can drive, that fits all the children in? That needs changing pronto.

Folf · 11/04/2019 11:40

Not that its relevant, as I agree with you OP, and you're not the evil step mom... but, how come you can't fit all 4 kids in your car?

Is your back seat not big enough to fit three child seats?

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/04/2019 11:43

Being a step-parent can me a moral minefield. I've always used a simple test to guide me. I ask myself as honestly as I can would I make a different decision if it was my own kid rather than one of the step-kids? So, hypothetically, if this was your 5 year old (resident with their dad in this hypothetical scenario) would you still have said no or would you have found a way to make it possible?

That aside, this is really shitty behaviour by your DH's ex. She should have asked herself, not used the emotional blackmail of getting the child to ask. Now, through no fault of his own, daddy has been made to look like the bad guy for saying no. even if she doesn't give a shit about him, what a selfish thing to do to her daughter.

Connieston · 11/04/2019 11:43

You're not unreasonable. Might sound a bit mean but I've found everyone gets on better if the calendar is set in stone and late random "feel like it" changes just aren't EVER an option (absolute emergencies being the exceptions of course).

We all need to be able to plan ahead, I believe a predictable pattern is best for kids, and I know when a change to the plan has been requested, even nicely, even with a bunch of notice tbh it's such a ballache to rearrange things when you have a routine in place.

Nomorepies · 11/04/2019 11:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 11:52

As far as the car situation. Dh car is a 7 seater. I used to have a 7 seater which died when I still owed money paying for it (nightmare, it's currently being fixed and don't know wether to keep it or sell it yet) Couldn't afford another 7 seater so I downgraded. We don't need 2 7 seaters. Even when we had 2, one would always stay at home. It's never been an issue before.

If my dcs were off school then I would of had dsd and tried to find some sort of arrangement around me taking dcs to their dads. Though I would of needed more notice.

However take the car situation away, I still more than likely would of had to say no. One of the baby groups is swimming with my 6 month old and therefore could not take her in the pool unless someone could watch her while I was in the pool with the baby.

I also think it's unfair she would of had to do a 2.5 hour car journey.

The whole day tomorrow would have just been very unfair on dsd even if I could of fit her in my car. I would of just been dragging her from A to B to C while I did what I needed too.

OP posts:

GunpowderGelatine · 11/04/2019 11:52

YANBU I absolutely hate it when people ask me favours via small children. It's manipulative and annoying. You're not evil stepmother at all but by god woman give yourself a break your life sounds manic!

GunpowderGelatine · 11/04/2019 11:53

Hectic is a better word sorry not manic! Sit down and have a cup of tea OP!

BlooperReel · 11/04/2019 11:55

The fact you are feeling quite anguished at having said no to DSD tells me you are not an evil stepmum by any stretch of the imagination.

Try not to feel bad, if her Dad cannot get the time off and you have no space in the car etc, there really is no other option.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/04/2019 12:02

She got the child to call because she knew how cheeky she was being.

You did the right thing, especially the 'no' before he'd even got the sentence out.

Boundary. See it? It's.. Right... There.

You only need to look your DH in the eye and say, you know the answer to this one. You only need to look at my life and see how much I do, to know that this isn't about your dd, my dsd. What you should be going quiet about is the notion that it's ok from your ex's end to be so presumptious, to expect that I'll instantly rework everything and just ask how high to jump, and worse still to ask your DD to ask you. Focus on that. It's the first time I've ever said no. I would say no again, a flat no, if this ever happens again, but I don't think it will and that's actually a good thing for ALL our relationships.

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 12:05

@GunpowderGelatine haha it's all school related! We've got church services, choir show, discos, Easter egg hunts....I'm sat with a cuppa now though. Feeling better that I know I'm not being unreasonable. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2019 12:09

So you don't have a car that you can drive, that fits all the children in? That needs changing pronto.

funinthesun19 · 11/04/2019 12:09

I ask myself as honestly as I can would I make a different decision if it was my own kid rather than one of the step-kids? So, hypothetically, if this was your 5 year old (resident with their dad in this hypothetical scenario) would you still have said no or would you have found a way to make it possible?

I don’t think the op should think about what she would do if it was her own child. Same with any other stepparent really. I think in these situations, the child’s actual parents should be thinking more about what they are going to do!

SchoolOfLife2 · 11/04/2019 12:14

You sound very lovely OP. Would you have been evil if you did the same for a niece or a nephew? NO.

You simply cannot take on the responsibility.. your DH can decide to fit her around his plans but you said NO as it doesn’t suit you.. it’s not your problem , you are there to support him and not take over his responsibilities..

I say this as a step daughter who suffered from an evil step mum. I think you are wonderful.

I excuse the mother for letting her child ring, she probably was nagging. But I think bring to her attention that it was difficult to turn her daughter down and that better next time she rings directly

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 12:14

In all honesty, I now feel a bit bad for dh. Like I said, if it were the ex calling to ask if dsd could say then I know dh would of said no and explained why. However seen as it was dsd calling, that does make it totally different for him.

OP posts:

SchoolOfLife2 · 11/04/2019 12:16

Then Op tell him to make special arrangements for his daughter and that you will support him... but don’t be the one to take responsibility for him. It’s his issue.

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 12:17

@SchoolOfLife2 thank you. I do try my best and make sure that dsd doesn't feel neglected the best I can. Sorry to hear of your experience x

OP posts:

crochetmonkey74 · 11/04/2019 12:21

This is a tricky one

You of course have loads of reasons why you can't (all valid) but what the child hears is 'you are not welcome' which is damaging.
It is such a horrible position for you OP

Original poster

tinkertinker1 · 11/04/2019 12:26

@crochetmonkey74 exactly! This does happen quite frequently and I say yes and work around it for this precise reason. But I just can't tomorrow. Or tonight. And neither can dh with work.

I'll see how dsd is tomorrow evening when she comes and I'll have a little chat with her myself about it to make sure she knows that we do love her and want her with us very much (I know dh will do this too). Other than that, there's not much else I can do 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 11/04/2019 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ChiaraRimini · 11/04/2019 12:28

Well done for saying no OP and stick to your guns or you will end up being taken advantage of.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2019 12:30

Fuck off - she can't say yes.
Did you read the OP's posts?????

I know right? She should buy a new car "pronto" aswell ffs. The OP should change all her plans so that the DSDs mother can have a night out.....mmhmm

Amongstthetallgrass · 11/04/2019 12:35

I can understand your reasons but there is a five year old now believing that there isn’t space for her in her dads new family.

Also I wouldn’t use the excuse you need to get to two baby groups

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