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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance, am I in the wrong?

110 replies

RR94 · 10/04/2019 18:02

For a little bit of background I'm 24 and have a 5 year old and 3 year old with my ex. We broke up when child 2 was 6 weeks old. Although horrific at the time we managed to have a good parenting relationship afterwards and have always shared child care costs relatively equally.

I work 4 days a week - I pay 40% of childcare and my ex pays 60% (as I'm working for one day less). I have the kids 9 days of every 14.

My ex has been with his fiance for 2 years and she is pregnant.

I have been with my boyfriend for around 18 months. We are moving in together in June.

My ex now wants to reduce how much he pays as my boyfriend is 10 years old than me, has no kids and earns a significant amount more than my ex (and me). So he sees no reason to still pay as much. I said they are still his kids etc but his response was 'you wont have to pay for anything with the house or shopping when you live with him'. In my view this is none of his business....

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
SnapesGreasyHair · 10/04/2019 18:04

No you're not. His children, he should pay for them.

Waveysnail · 10/04/2019 18:04

Maintenance is on how much he earns not your income? Does he pay above the csa amount plus childcare?

Waveysnail · 10/04/2019 18:05

But I think the amount he has to pay reduces once his gf has a baby

Theyellowsquare · 10/04/2019 18:05

How much would a CMS assessment be compared with how much he is paying at the moment (maintenance and child care added together)?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/04/2019 18:05

I dont think YABU and I didn't think the CMS normally take it into account what your new partner earns. Ultimately someone still has a responsibility to pay towards their kids.

Thatsashame · 10/04/2019 18:05

Yanbu he helped make them he must help support them. They are not your new partners responsibility in my opinion

BarbedBloom · 10/04/2019 18:06

I would go through CMS as he shouldn’t be able to reduce it when he feels like it. However the maintenance will reduce a little to take account of your ex’s new child, so be prepared for that to happen Flowers

outpinked · 10/04/2019 18:06

He’s a CF. Let’s face it, he wants to pay less because he’s having another baby and actually rather sadly he can do this according to CMS guidelines. My exH lives with his DP and her two children so not even legally his stepchildren never mind anything else but they are taken into consideration when doing the maintenance calculator and as a result I get less than I should for our DC... I don’t personally understand the rule but there you go.

Your relationship is irrelevant, I’m sure your DP won’t be forking out for childcare and clothes for your DC. Your ex is being a twat.

lyralalala · 10/04/2019 18:08

No, you’re not being unreasonable.

Do be aware though that if you go through CMS they just expect him to pay a flat percentage of his income (which will reduce when his baby is born) not a percent of the childcare so best to work out the amounts before threatening to make it a formal agreement.

happyhillock · 10/04/2019 18:09

Your right my ex tried the same with me when me and my partner started to live together, he wanted to half the child support he paid, at the time i got in touch with the CSA, they wrote him a letter saying his paynents stay's the same as my partner is not responsible for HIS children. Good Luck

Theyellowsquare · 10/04/2019 18:10

It depends. If xh has been struggling to pay well over what he legally needs to I can see his point. Usually the rp has to pay for childcare out of the maintenance and 60% of childcare could easily be £600.

mrsm43s · 10/04/2019 18:11

He needs to pay (in total) the CMS amount. This calculation will include a deduction for the number of nights he has the children, and an additional deduction when his expected child is born.

Original poster
RR94 · 10/04/2019 18:16

We've only every done this informally - I have done a quick calculation and it says he would owe me £93 per week (based on child maintenance calculator) which is ludicrous.... Nursery alone is £800 per month... Without throwing in after school club.

OP posts:
Original poster
RR94 · 10/04/2019 18:18

£85 per week when his new child is born.

OP posts:
nutsfornutella · 10/04/2019 18:20

He'd pay nursery for his days and you'd pay nursery for your days. If you're on a low income then you'd get up to 70% of the bill paid by the government.

CMS would decrease your maintenance l when your ex's baby is born but wouldn't lower it if you move in with your bf. Moving in with your bf may affect benefits that you get like Child Benefit,

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2019 18:20

I'm afraid the law is on his side not yours here. How much more is he paying op than is required?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/04/2019 18:21

Sounds about right. It's actually an absolute pittance given the actual cost of raising a child.

happyhillock · 10/04/2019 18:22

His payments shouldn't be reduced when he has his other child, my ex had another 2 and still had to pay me the same.

frazzledasarock · 10/04/2019 18:22

CMS calculations don’t even touch the sides of the real living costs of a child.

If you can,try and keep things amicable. If he goes below the CM levels then take it to the CMS.

Either way his payments to you may well drop.
His contribution will be lowered also once he has a child with his girlfriend

nutsfornutella · 10/04/2019 18:23

Does he pay just 60% of £800? (£480) or do you get extra on top? If he went to CMS he'd pay just £93 pw and no nursery fees unless the kids went to nursery on his days.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/04/2019 18:26

He should still pay child support although I'd expect him to argue over paying more of the childcare costs because you choose to be part time. It should be 50/50.

If he goes down the formal route he'll have to pay less. He may do this when he has another child and set of nursery fees to pay for.

Your partners income is irrelevant.

Original poster
RR94 · 10/04/2019 18:26

I'm on £36k (pro-rated), my ex is on £45k (to my knowledge.)

I actually can't believe it - he pays childcare only on his days... THE WEEKEND. What logic is there in that. Baffled and annoyed.

He's just been 'overpaying' apparently by around £260. Without even taking into account I pay all 'extra' costs anyway.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 10/04/2019 18:26

It might feel like he's a dick but try and keep things amicable.

As you've seen,if you go through CSA you'd get a lot less(ridiculous!!) and that amount would decrease even more once he has another child.

If I were you I'd either suggest a sum I'd be comfortable with or a trial period where things stay the same while you move in with your OH and rearrange finances etc.

I'm sure it must feel like a kick in the teeth,and it's definitely not you partner's job to support his kids but try and find the best way to compromise so that the kids don't miss out.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 10/04/2019 18:26

It isn’t ideal but the reality is the status quo is going to change now he is having another child.

Bluntly you have two options

Option 1. Accept your new reality and negotiate a compromise with him.

Option 2. £85pw

nauseous5000 · 10/04/2019 18:29

He is a massively CF. My ex has never paid any maintenance, but he tells everyone he doesn't have to now I have a "rich boyfriend" not that he gave me a penny when I was only eating every other day to ensure DD could eat either. Tell him if he dsnt like the arrangement you can go through the CMS. I don't have the guts to, but wish I did