To think my SIL hates me for stealing her limelight

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Me and SIL have had a fantastic relationship throughout mine and DHs marriage, when she was pregnant with her DD and after the birth we was even closer, we would talk every day and see eachother whenever possible.
Then I found out I was expecting in December and have seen her all of twice since and mainly by circumstance rather than choice, probably speak to her once in a blue moon and not once she has asked me about the pregnancy or even how I am in general.
As it is she's her DMs "favourite" and her DD is the only grandchild, which I believe SIL thought would be the case for a long time due to the fact I have had fertility issues and none of the other siblings have or are likely to have any DC in the near future. SIL quite likes being the centre of attention and is now well aware that because I am also having a DD that she is going to lose centre stage, for reference mine and MIL still have a good relationship. MIL also provides SIL with financial support, childcare, housing and everything inbetween - I don't expect any of this but obviously SIL must think otherwise.
Am I being over dramatic or is my SIL being abit of a brat?

And if she has a fractious relationship with her brother, you probably would not be her best friend anyway, so don't take offence.

Julensaor I think you may of missed a few of my posts. I have definitely been involved in substantial issues of hers, more so than her own DSis. We have been close for the years prior to this, nearly 4 to be exact so it's nothing to do with her relationship with my DH. Put it this way, the only time me, SIL and DH have been in the same room together was the day I got married.

Posted to soon - after that and before the wedding it has just been me and her or me, SIL1, SIL2 and MIL. The only reason I don't see MIL as much now is because she is busy at work and also providing childcare for SIL, otherwise I'd probably see MIL nearly every other day.

I'm fascinated by the different responses. You have been struggling to conceive, but despite her have s successful pregnancy/ now a child, you spoke everyday, and were really close friends. She is going through a divorce, has a lot of support from her mum, and you spoke almost daily, also supporting her.

You announce you're pregnant, and suddenly she's no contact.

First, being aSIL is neither here nor there, she is a close friend.

Secondly, whilst everything in the garden is rosie, she was very happy. Now that she is struggling and you have good news, she doesn't want to know/ can't cope.

This may be overwhelm or depression, but it could be that your friendship only worked whilst she had the better life. There are plenty of people like that.

I agree with what Iborgia says in the sense that if you have been a good friend, no matter what her reasons, she has not come through for you. That in itself is enough to just decide, I have given enough and I will give no more. The why's don't matter.

The only glitch is and I disagree with "First, being aSIL is neither here nor there, she is a close friend" . Being a SIL does matter. OP you are in a relationship with her brother who she does not get on with... why? In a normal relationship, your first loyalty should be with your partner. Anything she says to you, she might assume will be shared with him or at least picked up on by him. So maybe whatever is going on, she has this fear. Or she may well be as you have said be concerned that now she has to share the support she has been getting as the only one with a child. On the face of it, you are probably correct in your assumptions. If so the only way to re-engage is to ask advice on babies, people love nothing more than giving opinions (you may not need the advice, but pretend) to big her up on how important she is to you. If not and you don't care that much, just detract, spare yourself the pain of dealing with it when you have your own concerns anyway.

I think the reason you're getting a hard time is that you make out in your post that you really like your SIL but, with very little evidence, you are ascribing a pretty nasty thought process to her. It doesn't make you look great.

If you had daily contact and that stopped suddenly when you announced you were pregnant I can see why you think they're related. It does seem quite possible, though it's also the case, when you announce something like that, that it's all you are focused on and you fail to notice other things going on at the same time. So it might be something that happened then but isn't your pregnancy. Still, pregnancy does seem a likely candidate. But to jump from "it's the pregnancy causing a change in our immediate relationship" to "Sil hates me because I've stolen her limelight" indicates a pretty low opinion of your SIL. Why would you have been close to and in daily contact with her if your first thought on her cutting contact is that she's a selfish diva, rather than that she's struggling for some reason that you don't understand? And if you were so close, why have you left it 4 months without finding out what's going on?

Are you sure you were actually close friends and it wasn't more of a frenemies set up?

Iborgia I understand what you mean about the better life comment, unfortunately it does feel that way.
Yeah my OP probably does seem abit negative towards SIL, what she's done has hurt me terribly and I'm frustrated with what she's done. It feels like 4 years worth of our friendship/inlaw-ship(?)has only been on her terms. I am abit peeved but if I genuinely didn't like her then I wouldn't care enough to be this upset IFSWIM?
My loyalty is with my DH but when SIL has told me something in confidence then I have kept it quiet because in that situation my loyalty is then to her not DH. My other SIL I'm not close with, mainly because we are total opposites but the same goes for if she told me something in confidence it still wouldn't be my place to say anything to DH.
If it was a frenemy type relationship it would of fizzled out now, then again maybe this whole time she's had more of a misplaced loyalty and I've been taken for a ride? Who knows.
I have tried a more subtle approach before now, more of just a "hey long time no speak what's been going on" but Friday I did ask if I had done something to upset her, still had no response.

I agree with lborgia.

Could you go round and see her, face to face? You'll be able to ask her directly, so she can't ignore you, and you can see what her body language is like when she answers you.

I think it's the only way you're likely to get any answer from her.

jule I missed the part about her husband, but actually what I meant was, whether or not she's your SIL, the friendship was a stand alone thing iyswim.

Could you send her a card with a message explaining you miss her etc? I did this once in similar circumstances and finally got to speak and understand what was going on. Although she still cut me off after that - the last time I had seen her beforehand she was god parent at DC2’s baptism. She never saw DC2 again and it’s been several years now. It’s hurtful but I’m pretty sure it is because she was getting divorced and couldn’t face me for whatever reason in a seemingly happy family (in reality we had a lot of ups and downs so hardly happy at times, but have got through it intact). I don’t feel angry as it’s her issue and choice. It’s just a real shame.

As it’s your SIL you can’t just never see her again. But she may not realise how much you care about her and writing her a letter would be harder to ignore. Just don’t write anything too long or emotional. You don’t want to be manipulative or critical, don’t judge just be open to listen if needed.

And yes you may be correct in why she’s behaved this way. You know her better than anyone here. I agree you can like someone and still see their flaws. I could reel off DH’s faults all day, he can seriously drive me nuts at time, it doesn’t mean he isn’t my best friend and the adult I love and rely on most in the world.

Ye wee connected because ye were both struggling and now your struggle is over.

Give her space, she has a lot going on.

she's going through a divorce

Maybe this has more to do with it than annoyance at your pregnancy?

And if she is her mother's favourite, benefitting from lots of practical and financial support, then I seriously doubt that her brother and SIL having a baby is in any way going to means she 'loses centre stage.'

If you are anticipating that your baby will somehow knock her off her pedestal then I think you need to manage your expectations and be prepared for disappointment.

FWIW I believe you that's she's behaving strange. But there could be a reason e.g. depression from the divorce, miscarriage etc. Or it could be jealousy and maybe you are right.
I would just send her a message along the like of
Hi SIL, how are you? I feel it's been a while since we last had a catch up and I miss our chats. Is everything ok, I hope I haven't done anything to upset you.

That way, if you have done something, she has the opportunity to tell you, or if something has happened she might tell you. But ultimately it puts the ball in her court.

Hats off to you for how well you have responded to the posts on this thread. Whatever happens it’s clear you have very good mental health.

I’m wondering if your sil cannot cope with you being stronger than her. Up till now you’ve always been in a place of weakness in relation to her. Ie She was the haver of child and you were the have not. Your dh did warn you she can be very tricky. Now you’re seeing this for yourself.

Your mil did your sil no favours. She was the golden child and wore the crown of producer of first grandchild. Now her life is down the pan and her disliked brother has everything she wants. A shiny new baby and a solid marriage to a fab woman. Not communicating with you imo is most likely linked to her feelings toward herself - and view of who she should be as well as her feelings toward her brother and you.

Your mil chose to divide and conquer her children, to create petty jealousy and deceit. It isn’t surprising that your sil is reverting to type when under extreme pressure.

It is also hard to be a golden child. Im not trying to paint her a total victim for an adult your sil is choosing her behaviour. However if her parenting was anything like mine (scapegoat here) I had so many gaps in my knowledge. So she may not know how to act differently.

If you want to write the card to her as suggested by Shasta I would go for something very simple. Imagine how you’d communicate to a child for if she has gaps in her knowledge of how to adult, she is in some ways still a child. Something like “I am sorry you are hurting. I love you. I miss you. I want to be there for you through this difficult time in your life. I want you to be there to share my joy. I want our children to love eachother as much as I love you.” Then leave her to digest. A written card is very different to a text btw.

And no sending of scan. I see your reasoning. That will create the opposite effect. Ultimately you may have to accept this isn’t fixable. The situation is about her, not you.

One last thing, do keep an eye on how your child is treated in the family. Your dh is not the favoured child. My mother and brother tried to make my dd scapegoat by association. It didn’t work.

Ignore the vipers, MissPolly. Sad lives they must lead.

YA obviouslyNBU.

I think you've got some very harsh replies, as usual. YANBU. I would be upset if a close friend basically started ignoring me. If she was that close though, I personally would go see her and ask face to face what's going on? Is that something you can do?

YANBU.

Very odd replies on this thread. Clearly SIL's nose is out of joint and she's pulled the drawbridges up.

Your DSISin Law may look at you and think you have it all, lovely home, husband who loves you and a baby on the way, she may simply have withdrawn because you have what she hoped for, now she is divorcing she can't face interaction with you.
Birds of a feather flock together, single parent families often spend time together as do married couples, maybe she will reset her norm.

I had this happen with a good friend since primary school. We were both married living in the same town for the first time in years and she was pregnant with her first before I was pregnant. When I told her I was having ds2 she literally never spoke to me again. Never answered messages blocked me on social media.
She did have issues with people stealing limelight usually her sister and seemed to plan all her events around a big enough gap with her sister so she didn’t have to share attention so I guess I posted her off having a baby at the same time as her.
I don’t know what she told her family because they all blocked me too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Most of these replies are ridiculous. If they were close and spoke every day and now suddenly sil has disappeared then obviously op isn't imagining it. It's nothing to do with expectations sil is clearly avoiding her.

It is possible that there is something else going on. Its also not clear she has been blanking you - eg how long ago is it since you told her?

You are probably right though - you are taking some of her spot light and she doesn't like it. Think back through the 4 years of your relationship- have you ever done anything that challenged her role before - or have you effectively been playing handmaiden to her?
be prepared for her to have some sort of life event/drama to take back the spotlight.

YANBU - she's jealous. It's her problem. She'll have to work things through herself. But please, emphasise that it's not a competition. Her DC can be 'big sister' to your DC when they arrive.

I'm a bit surprised at some of the posters on this thread. Ones that I've always thought had a decent way of posting when they disagree with someone, have shown the opposite in this case. Weird.

Catchingbentcoppers

Yes you're absolutely right, some of these replies are disgraceful. I think they see the first couple of replies and just pile on instead of thinking for themselves. Mumsnet has been vicious these last couple of days(more so than usual).