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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL hates me for stealing her limelight

130 replies

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 09/04/2019 21:33

Me and SIL have had a fantastic relationship throughout mine and DHs marriage, when she was pregnant with her DD and after the birth we was even closer, we would talk every day and see eachother whenever possible.
Then I found out I was expecting in December and have seen her all of twice since and mainly by circumstance rather than choice, probably speak to her once in a blue moon and not once she has asked me about the pregnancy or even how I am in general.
As it is she's her DMs "favourite" and her DD is the only grandchild, which I believe SIL thought would be the case for a long time due to the fact I have had fertility issues and none of the other siblings have or are likely to have any DC in the near future. SIL quite likes being the centre of attention and is now well aware that because I am also having a DD that she is going to lose centre stage, for reference mine and MIL still have a good relationship. MIL also provides SIL with financial support, childcare, housing and everything inbetween - I don't expect any of this but obviously SIL must think otherwise.
Am I being over dramatic or is my SIL being abit of a brat?

OP posts:
Catchingbentcoppers · 09/04/2019 21:55

Perhaps she's having a hard time OP? I'm going through a shit time just now, really horrendous and I will admit I've perhaps been a bit 'absent' with some friends. I just need time to get my head round what's going on and I can't be bothered talking about it all the time. Could it be something like that?

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2019 21:55

So you're telling me someone you've spoke to daily for 4 years, have supported eachother and seen eachother regularly all of a sudden wants nothing to do with you, won't respond properly to messages and basically ignores your existence isn't abit strange?

Yes it's very strange.

But you know what's even stranger?...you taking to an internet forum instead of actually speaking to her and asking what's up.

If you were as close as you say, why haven't you done it? Confused

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/04/2019 21:56

So her marriage is breaking up and she had a child under one no wonder she doesn’t want to be chatting about you’re pregnancy

lisamac28 · 09/04/2019 21:56

Ooh you really don't like her do you …… you've got the green eyed monster because she had a baby with no interventions …. Nothing will stop SIL being MILs daughter and her DD being the first born GC

What the hell is going on with Mumsnet today? Nearly every thread is full of nasty vicious posts like this^, some threads have even had to be deleted because of it.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking You sound absolutely vile. You should be ashamed.

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 09/04/2019 21:58

She's been going through the divorce since her DD was in utero it's not a new thing, not a drip feed it wasn't relevant until a PP mentioned her maybe struggling to TTC which is obviously not the case.

The contact before December was more, WhatsApp conversation daily, pictures she would send of her DD, phone call here and there, meet up most weekends then after my announcement almost nothing.
I have tried to initiate contact, sending funny jokes, asking how my niece is and for updates. When I ask her to meet up she will agree but never follow through unless I contact MIL and we go out all together - which has been the 2 times by circumstance.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/04/2019 21:58

Maybe she’s finding life hard and just doesn’t have the headspace? Dunno, but I would give her space if she’s not arsed about talking to/seeing you. Concentrate on yourself and your pregnancy.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/04/2019 21:59

Doesn’t mean she’s not struggling with the divorce, you don’t sound very nice about her and maybe she’s picked up on that and distanced herself which is her right to do.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/04/2019 22:00

I too think you need to ask her. If she's going through a divorce and has a one year old she is probably really fucking depressed. Trya dn talk to he and give her time.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2019 22:00

But you’ve never asked what’s up?
You don’t actually sound much like you are fond of her at all. Weird post.

gamerchick · 09/04/2019 22:00

Good grief at those replies Hmm

OP it's possible you're right, some people go a bit weird if they think their kids are going to have to share grandparents or they will have to give a bit of the support they have up. Especially if it's a lot.

However there isn't really much you can do about it. I personally wouldn't have the patience to delve or coax shit out of anyone tbh. Let her stew in whatever juices she's cooked up and carry on with your life. When she sees there is no threat she might thaw but I'd keep her at arm's length as it'll be a matter of time before she pulls the same crap again

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 09/04/2019 22:03

I can understand it if she was struggling, but I just thought we had more of a solid relationship than that.
We used to talk about everything, when her DH didn't turn up to the hospital for his DDs birth she called me instead of her other sister.
When I say we was close it isn't an exaggeration, I have no other sisters by blood but she was more than my SIL, more like a bestfriend.
When I told her that I may never be able to have anymore DC she was genuinely heartbroken for me and then after the pregnancy it's like she couldn't care less. I'm just feeling abit hurt. pregnancy hormones also to blame.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 09/04/2019 22:04

Haven't asked her? Don't like her much? If that was the case I really would be more glad she wasn't contacting me Hmm strange replies..

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/04/2019 22:05

If you cared for some much for her why say all the stuff in you’re opening post? It’s not something you say about someone you care about op. You clearly upset her maybe said something and she’s distanced herself. How many threads have we seen about people going low contact or now contact due to what someone’s said or did.

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 09/04/2019 22:06

It's funny what nasty people can pop up on mumsnet, God forbid anyone ever spoke to their own DCs like that over the internet.. shameful bunch some of you lot honestly.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 09/04/2019 22:07

Because I haven't got to worship the ground someone walks on to like them? I can openly see their flaws and accept them too? She's not perfect and I am able to see a bigger picture - doesn't make it any less weird or hurtful

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/04/2019 22:08

It’s not nasty it’s people giving their opinions op and suggesting what could be the cause for her to distance herself something has upset her you were complimentary about her in you’re op.

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2019 22:09

OK so when you sat her down and asked her if everything is ok and if you've managed to upset her somehow, what did she say?

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 09/04/2019 22:09

Yeah I've tried avoiding messaging her since the weekend just to see how long it takes for her to initiate contact. I have my 20wk scan tomorrow so will send her a picture and see what happens from there.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/04/2019 22:09

It sounds as though she's jealous of you, which is ridiculous when she has what you wanted anyway. I wouldn't write her off but I'd write to her and ask if there's anything wrong because since you've got pregnant you haven't seen her much. That tells her you have noticed (as if you wouldn't) and that you know it's connected to your pregnancy. She's so silly, losing a friendship that was so good.

Gazelda · 09/04/2019 22:09

I get that you're hurt at the loss of such a close relationship. You wish that she were celebrating and enjoying your pregnancy with you. As you would With her if she were ever pregnant again.

But I don't think you're seeing things from her point of view. She's struggling with the break up if a relationship. With becoming a mum. With becoming a single mum. All the whole you are creating a happy family - which she most probably craves. Rather than doing you her envy, she's keeping a distance do as not to spoil your joy.

As hard as this is for you (j have genuine sympathy) it is far harder for her.

Please have sympathy for her and her situation rather than focussing on how it impacts you.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2019 22:10

Honestly you sound like you’re just cross not to be the centre of attention now you’re pregnant? She’s a mother with a really young child and going through a divorce. If you really valued this person and cared about them you would send a message asking if they’re ok because they keep cancelling or haven’t replied to messages or whatever. Some of your comments on here have been rather unpleasant about her. Maybe you have said similar and she’s got to hear about them? I wouldn’t want to chat to someone everyday if they felt about me the way you clearly do about her.

SunshineCake · 09/04/2019 22:10

Maybe she can't cope with your pregnancy because she would have liked more children ?

Weepingwillow5 · 09/04/2019 22:10

Perhaps it is divorce related - maybe she felt she with her divorce and you with fertility issues were equal . Now your pregnant and happily married and she’s still divorcing and maybe struggling a bit with a nearly 1 year old ( I remember that being a tricky age) .Those feelings might not be excuseable but they are perfectly possible .

Fatted · 09/04/2019 22:10

If your relationship was that good why haven't you just asked her? Why immediately jump to negative conclusions?

By your own admission, she's going through a divorce, she's got a young child and in all honesty her head is probably up her arse. If her child is due to turn one, she could be job hunting or going back to work and not have as much free time.

Just ask her what's up and what you've done to upset her.

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 09/04/2019 22:11

I haven't been able to sit her down because she won't meet me. I've asked her if I've done something to upset her on WhatsApp and she hasn't replied since Friday. DH has questioned her too but she just gets arsey.

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